To think my SILs want to see me suffer ?

It does sound that way. Because let's say both SILs had said they were worried her children were going without, that would've made no positive difference at all. Might even have pissed OP off even more. If they'd said they didn't want her children to go without, given that OP and DH don't have any money, that would make no difference to the situation unless it was followed by action. She wants the money.

It’s true that the “chemical imbalance” theory of how SSRIs work has been debunked. It was mostly invented as a marketing slogan anyway.

BUT that does NOT mean than antidepressants don’t work, it’s just that we don’t know how or have different theories of how they do it. They don’t work for everyone but they are the best tool we have for many people and if you’re unable to work and have been suffering for ten years, are definitely worth a try. And they certainly don’t “zombify” people. How weird to say that.

There are also other tools, like CBT and other talking therapies, and exercise, that can help massively with depression too either in conjunction with medication or as an alternative to it.

Your DH needs to see his GP and/or self-refer for talking therapies or whatever other help is available in your area. Depression can be helped but only by the person asking for it.

Jealousy is a vicious emotion and will eat you up.

What exactly do you want from your sil?

Because a lot of people would struggle to not suggest ways of trying to improve a situation that has not changed in 10 years.

It can feel so hollow when someone comes to you with a big concern, especially one that is not new to you (you and your family have been in this situation for years) and respond with concern and sympathy and no advice.

You say you dont want a handout but maybe it came across a litttle bit like you did as you seem very tuned in to the differences in lifestyles that you have.

The OP has not responded. Im sure that this was not the response she was looking for,

A previous poster mentioned her foreign background and I suspect that the expectation for family to fill a more supportive, even financial role, in the OPs problems stems from this.

I've GAD and depression and it's easy to go into self isolation and withdrawal from life at the worst times but for the sake of self and family you have to seek help to help yourself anything other than that is selfish.
To go ten years without seeking that help is selfish and that's a helluva burden to put on a partner.

It's not immediately obvious what they could've done to help the situation.

In a way I have been on both sides of this. My own dysfunctional parents pushed me out with their dysfunctional behavior which I had also endured growing up (it was very bad) with them so I distanced myself from them because it is not possible to have any form of healthy relationships in that group of people. So me and “my problems” were held at arms length there.

But we also have a sister in law who has significant ongoing problems from her experiences that we hold at arms length and she feels a lot of resentment about that. In some ways her situation is similar to my own situation as DH’s family is extremely dysfunctional too. For years I supported her emotionally as best as I possibly could however it got to a point where it became clear that she was never going to take her own agency in her own situation, she just vented off non stop but she was playing her own part in the dysfunctional behaviour and she continues with the same patterns of behaviour herself within her family to this day. She is absolutely not responsible for the dysfunction dynamics but as an adult she is responsible for her own life and having been in a similar situation I know absolutely that the person involved has to change themselves rather than expecting others to fix their situation.

Your DH is not helping himself, you sound like you are passively going along with that which enables his behaviour, you are at some level holding his sisters responsible for your husband's inability to take responsibility for his own illness - they are not responsible for it. You have more choices and agency in the situation than you realise. I think you yourself would benefit from counselling because of your husband refuses to change then you need to make changes to improve your own circumstances.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but if my partner had done nothing to help themselves after 10 years. Right now I would have been choosing me and living life now and telling him where the door is. It's a very different situation if someone is doing all they can to get better but when they do absolutely nothing- that's on them!

Hardly surprising OP hasn't been back. Her whole post screams victim mentality. Some people just cannot see they are responsible for their own lives, and think whatever shit they're in, it's the fault of someone else.

In what way do you think she wants you to suffer?

What were you expecting her to do or help with? Sometimes it's far better to just ask what you want, rather than offload a bunch of stuff and expect someone to read your mind

Bollocks

That’s not what I said at all. Have another read of what I actually wrote.

Why are you so obsessed with ADs anyway? It’s not even helpful at this point In the thread.

What help do you think he should receive?
If he gets off his backside and goes to the GP he may well begin to get help.
No-one is going to walk into his house and hand him medication/money etc. He has to actually go and get help.

I am sad for your situation but this does sort of feel that you were reaching out expecting a potential hand out.

Your husband is on some level making a choice that the children will go without if he isn't making behavioural changes and trying any treatment for his depression. It isn't his sister's responsibility.

They gave practical advice, yes the housing isn't easy but making sure you're on all any potential lists is worth it. Treating depression is a good idea especially if it's preventing work. I think they are trying to help you to help yourselves which is more loving than colluding with a situation that keeps you all stuck.

I hope life changes for you all and your husband finds work that fulfills and restores him a bit,

Ten years like this and dh has not gone down the option of prescription drugs in an effort to help support his family.
you have a dh problem not a sil problem.

therapy and meds are the combination he needs and he won’t get that sitting at home, he needs to reach out. I say this as someone who had terrible depression years ago and went through it. I have kids and I work.

There are many out there. I can link you to some when I get home from work tonight if you don't know how to use Google! There was a study about 2 years ago which reviewed all and said there is no evidence at all for the chemical imbalance theory. Also the creators of the DSM V admitted there are no biological markers.

There are many if you care to research and not blindly accept what ppl say on the Internet!

I agree with your SIL. Why should she help someone who won't help their self? If he's been so depressed he can't work for a decade and hadn't even tried medication then what do you expect them to do?

In my situation I feel quite fortunate to know its absolutely not my relatives fault.
And it's pain I can't imagine living through daily.
I also don't blame them for "not getting help" no see this is them not helping themselves.
Part of mental illness is often multi facitated reasons why they CANT actually get help,seek help,feel worthy or anything cam be done.
That they are so helpless,hopeless it takes them everything to get throguh the day. Never mind anything else.
I will eb there all I can. It won't ever be enoguh.
But I never judge or blame them for their illness. I just cannot imagine living with such bleak darkness in your mind. A.kind trying to destroy you to the point you'd rather die. Shit. That my family. That.how bad someone I love feels abiut themselves and their pain. That breaks my heart. And so I will wait, or I will sit with. And I know I KNOW THAT IF THERE WAS ANY WAY THEY COULD SEEL HELP THEY WOULD! why the fuck wouldn't they? Who would choose to stay in so much pain.
I'm glad we all learnt that in my family. And that it was never " what are you doing to get help, what are they doing to get better,seek meds,seek therapy." As they would. I know them. I know how they love us, love me. And so know with all my heart this isn't a choice. And they'd get rid, choose different, be better this instant if they could. Therefore something else bigger than we all see is going on, meaning a symtom of this illness can be the inability to get help. For all sorts of reasons.

I also know it's hard on both sides when we have had to do something or stepped away to save ourselves in order to keep being there for them. That can feel rejecting or unhelpful. Deep down on the better days we know they know why we've had to do that. Even if it can feel really hard to do so on both sides, especially to them to think we aren't there.

So they do zombify? Thank you for the recognition they do not treat the depression as meds can't do that. They literally put you into a zomby like state and then ppl can pretend they've helped you.

What did they medically do for you? Explain how something that isn't biological was helped with something chemical?

I doubt for a second your SIL want their brother and his family to suffer, unless there’s some massive backstory. I’m sorry you’re not having an easier time.

It seems like you don’t speak very nicely about them, and if you act the same way when you’re contacting them then maybe they just want limited involvement? Calling people frivolous, while claiming that because they’re wealthy they shouldn’t want your children to be without, and then criticising their advice doesn’t endear anyone to want to be around you.

My DH has hardly worked in the 10 years we've been married, he's been depressed, not had the best luck, been over consumed with having kids amongst other things

As PP have said, my initial thoughts are that your husband is not doing all he can to improve the situation. It sounds as if you are glossing over some poor choices around family planning “and other things”- what things?? and that he has essentially chosen not to work, blaming his mental health.

Before anyone accuses me of anything, I myself had a major depressive disorder a few years back, and have had other mental health struggles as well. I still kept things going- even though I had to leave my teaching job, i got myself out for walks, I did exercise, I found other work and looked after my dc- even though all I wanted was to stare at the wall. The husband in the scenario here doesn’t (from the OP) seem to have done anything to improve his/their situation and it’s all on the OP, who cannot do enough by herself.

I would also be applying for PIP if he really can’t work, and getting us on the housing list. What else could the SILs suggest?

@schmeler The chemical imbalance theory was debunked decades ago! There is no testing for chemical levels, you would assume if there was you'd have a physical test to see if it was high or low and your dosage matched accordingly like diabetes. No one gets chemical tested, no one says which chemicals, what units they are measured in, if they are high or low nor repeat measurements to monitor...it doesn't exist. There is always a root cause....with assisting with functionality you mean zombify them so you can pretend something is being done? They do not do anything...apart from make pharmacists rich

What a load of bunkum. I take it you got all of that from some anti-medicine articles. It would be great if you linked some reputable medical journal articles to back all of that up please.

Your whole understanding of chemical imbalances and having to physically test and match doses is so far off base. What about ADHD meds, or 101 other things, where there are imbalances and no physical testing and dose matching? You seem to think all medicines work like diabetes meds, which is not the case. Do you have a thorough understanding of how different medicines actually work, or just what you read in some ‘anti’ articles?

Antidepressants shouldn’t ‘zombify’ people. If they do then it’s a complete mismatch in terms of medicine and/or dose with the patient. Not all medicines suit all people, and that is true also of antidepressants. You need to find a right fit for the patient. The only time ‘zombifying’ is justified is highly psychotic people who are an immediate threat to themselves and/or others and you certainly don’t use antidepressants for that!

I also very highly doubt pharmacists are getting fat on antidepressants🤣. Most are too old for them to make much money off I’d think, lots of other things that would make them more money. Besides, I don’t even know how that would work unless you think prescribing Dr’s are in league with pharmacists and somehow splitting (suspected minimal) profit. It’s not really realistic.

Again, please link some reputable references for your claims as they are quite dangerous. Pretty akin to anti-vax really. I’m happy to share lots of reputable references on any meds or medical conditions as everything is publicly available, not just to medical folk.

Don't think hubby wants to work and thus won't go on meds.