To think my SILs want to see me suffer ?

OP, you’re getting an awful lot of sanctimonious stuff here. 💐

Sounds to me as if you’re asking his family to step in to help your relentless efforts to rescue DH - that’s a really good idea. If they said no or ignored the hint, it’s a bit shit. And isolating for you.

Also, giving the kids a decent Xmas present won’t kill them.

I’m on your side here and I do think that helping out family with a free phone call or two is a reasonable expectation.

We all have to have expectations of each other or families/society don’t function. Having to beg makes it miles worse.

What worries me is that DH seems a pretty lost cause and that’s what you might have to think about long term.

It seems your sils have given you practical advice. His depression can’t be managed until he gets medical treatment for it and you definitely should be applying for a council house if you haven’t already. You can’t seriously be expecting them to support you all financially just because they are more responsible with their money and health than your dh?

You can’t change the situation. Only he can, he can try antidepressents again (lotsbof different types), get on the NHS waiting for talking therapy (he can’t have been on the waiting list for 10 years), look for agency work. Lots of people are offering short term contracts at the moment in the run up to Christmas.

The only thing you can do is decided if you’re happy for your children to live in this environment as it stand or not. That is the only thing you can control.

It sounds like both you and DH are being very passive here and are waiting someone else to fix the problem.

I have had bad episodes of depression and anxiety since my teens due to trauma. This has even involved suicidal ideation. I know how badly mental illness can affect your life.

But I have always sought support from my GP and took medication and counselling (through the NHS, I know there is a waiting list but it is worth trying to access that support).

My point is your husband should not have spent the past 10 years doing nothing to try to manage his condition better, especially because you have children to take care of.

So your sister might be a heartless woman who likes to flaunt her wealth or she might simply be someone who is trying to show you that you can't help someone who does not want to help themselves.

Your fist step should be to have a serious conversation with your partner and make it clear the current situation cannot go on. He needs to start asking for support from mental health professionals and finds ways to help provide for his family.

I would ask yourself as well whether you want to carry on living with a man who is simply dragging you all down and does not want to help himself. It is not fair on you and not fair on your kids.

Your SIL giving you money would just enable your current situation to carry on.

Kindly, ten years is not a phase. That's a lifetime.

This is not a temporary situation. This is now the normal.

Therapy and all sorts of treatments are available on the NHS. Has he used talking therapies, they currently have less than a month waiting period?

He needs to go to the GP. Say that he's not worked for a decade because of his mental health and ask for help.

You can self refer for therapy in the NHS. Maybe this is something that might be supportive for you as well as for DH?

It’s a widely held idea that adults need to help themselves, get out of their “rut” or problems. Only the person, can decide to make changes.
When people refuse to seek help …. What are others supposed to do?

Every family has their own problems, while you consider them “wealthy” they alll might be over extended. Not wishing to give money away or get involved in supporting another family financially or emotionally. It’s not your business.

Best for you to focus on what you can control or change. And not blame others for “not helping”

There are a lot of different anti depressants and he may find that the first one (or two..) he tries do not work for him.

If he goes back to his GP they will have alternatives.

In addition, in England he can self refer for nhs therapy which is free.

www.nhs.uk/mental-health/talking-therapies-medicine-treatments/talking-therapies-and-counselling/nhs-talking-therapies/

It's really tough to struggle with life like this and to feel like your family don't understand and don't support you.

No mental health isn't just on private care, yes NHS takes a while to get seen but why haven't you taken him to the GP for his mental health? Sorry but you're making excuses.

He's been depressed and not working for nearly a decade and hasn't even tried prescription drugs?
Unfortunately how do either of you expect him to get any better if he doesn't at least try to help himself? They aren't being snobby they are actually trying to help.

Personally, I think they don't want to see you suffer but it's not their responsibility. And you seem to think that their lifestyle is frivolous. Which actually they have worked hard for. They are probably frustrated that your husband is not doing anything to help himself and your family.

You need to stop looking through the window and start looking to get support for you and your husband.

If you don't want a handout from them, and they gave you what was actually sensible advice, what is it you feel they should have done that they didn't do? What words would you have liked to hear from them?
Maybe their sensible advice was them showing they care?

Dear friends nephew is unmedicated and self medicated with drugs. He won’t be helped. It is part of his condition and family have stepped back as giving handouts just enables his selfish and self destructive behaviours. They can’t do it anymore. So basic needs are met but beyond that he is on his own. And they have tried for years to influence his life. He’s been sectioned more than once. His mental health has been untreated and maltreated as his insistence since his early twenties.he can’t help himself and no one else can either.

He's had such bad mental health that he's not worked for a decade. And yet during that time it sounds like you had multiple children.

And he's not on medication?

Surely he should be doing everything he can to try and manage his condition.

Their advice was really sensible and practical.

What did you want from them?

Is there a reason your DH is not on medication?

As for the other suggestions: I understand how the thoughtless of that advice might be perceived as cruelty.
But it honestly sounds like a lack of life experiences / thoughtlessness.

You have been in an insanely difficult situation and you must be exhausted. But will you feel better if you assume malice on their part? If you think your SILs cruel?

I personally find Hanlon‘s razor extremely helpful in my professional and private life.

“Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.“ Of thoughtlessness, laziness, ignorance…

@schmeler There are many out there. I can link you to some when I get home from work tonight if you don't know how to use Google! There was a study about 2 years ago which reviewed all and said there is no evidence at all for the chemical imbalance theory. Also the creators of the DSM V admitted there are no biological markers. There are many if you care to research and not blindly accept what ppl say on the Internet

Thanks, that would be great. Look forward to it. I do know how to use Google, I also know how to use medical journals etc and I do know how to research correctly (in fact I have medical postgrad quals accordingly that are relevant to this), and I most certainly don’t go from random crap on the Internet.

This is the case in my family and after years of enduring my DBs mental health issues, supporting him, everything on his terms etc, I am worn out.

My DM keeps banging on about how ‘family is everything’ but what she means is that we need to do everything for this brother and it does seep into my families life and it does compromise our peace of mind and I’ve frankly had enough of that

I think you misunderstand council houses. They are not free. They’re reduced rates for lower income families, but definitely not free.
What did you actually want them to do after you reached out? It does sound like you were after some sort of financial help.
To be fair to them, it’s not their place to support your children financially, it sounds a bit entitled to say you feel they should be concerned your children don’t go without. That’s yours and Dogs job, nobody else’s. Why would your DH plan a wedding and plan to have children if he was “too depressed to work”? This doesn’t make any sense.
OP, I know he’s your husband and you love him, but I wouldn’t put up with someone not working and not seeking help for 10 years. I’d leave him and be better off. He clearly does not want to work

Exactly

I really don't mean to sound harsh but it sounds like your husband has not done everything he could to help himself ie try medication (obviously correct me if I'm wrong) and as a result his children have suffered. This is probably frustrating to watch and why did you have multiple children with him if his mental health is this bad?

I'm not trying to be a bitch but from their point of view they probably don't see why they should give handouts when he doesn't help himself. You say you don't want a handout so what did tut want? If they did give you money it would only be temporary relief from a bigger problem and could potentially create awkwardness. And if they'd just said "Oh how awful" you'd probably be pissed off at that too.

BTW I have severe mental health issues myself but I know that whilst that might not be my fault, is is my responsibility - no one's going to come along and save me. I think you're annoyed with the wrong people here - you should be annoyed at your DH for creating children then allowing them to go without.

Agajn sorry if this sounds harsh.

I think you have a DH problem. In term of cultural expectation of support, generally in those cultures, it wouldn't be acceptable in those cultures not work. I am not trying to minimise depression - in poorer countries a person would be expected to get on with unless they had severe mental illness like psychosis.

What were you expecting your SILs to do?

It sounds like you just want them to buy stuff for you and your children. Assuming you live in the UK, your children will have what they need because we have a benefits system. It is no one else’s job to ensure they don’t ’go without’ except yours and your partners.

SILs were right to suggest anti depressants to a depressed person who isn’t on any. It is not their job to pay for you and your children.

Saying you didn’t want a handout makes it seem like that probably is what you’re after. You wanted them to offer so you didn’t need to ask.

The advice you were given was sensible unless you can explain why it wasn’t.