To think my SILs want to see me suffer ?

It's possible. But there may also be a third option, which is help from outside the family. Especially if the parents have resources too.

So I think it would be helpful to get an idea what sort of needs we're talking about here. A lift to hospital appointments once every couple of months, personal care, something in the middle?

My DH has suffered from depression over the last 5 years, he is also resistant to AD. We have therefore looked in to other things which seems to be helping his mood. He has improved his diet and is exercising every night (even if it is just a walk). He is also taking magnesium and vit D, a deficiency in these can cause low mood. He also has a SAD light and has been taking lions mane mushroom supplements. He has also had therapy sessions, which really seemed to help.
He is working 40 hours a week, in a senior position. We have planned well for him to retire early.

Really well written.

Bottom line, I have huge sympathy for people with bad health either physical or mental, but he hasn't tried everything to get better.

That's not really acceptable when you have a family to support. He needs to get help to improve his health so he can provide for his children.

op is upset that Sil has more than her.

dh doesn’t want to work. They presumably get some benefits and dw works.

They manage and don’t starve, so why should he bother working.

I have a relative like this, it’s our fault that we don’t bail him out, he doesn’t work and we do so have we have more. Apparently we are lucky. We told him that he can be a security night guard or something he can just sit there or walk around. No he is depressed because his life didn’t turn out as millionaire-ville. Working would depress him more, so he couldn’t possibly do such a low-end job. Always in whine mode, designed to make us guilty. I just feel revulsion. Why should I work and hand it over to him?

My first partner was like this. We didn't have children, and i worked non stop to keep up afloat. I realised that at some stage, I wanted to buy a house, have some savings and actually go on vacation, and I was feeling so low and dragged down. We divorced. He worked for a while, remarried, and then quit work...his wife does everything. In contrast, I moved to a different country for a job opportunity and married again to a good man who has held down a job...we both worked and now I am enjoying early retirement and real financial security. Things are much, much better.

OP, at some point, your partner has some responsibility to get help and get engaged with life and help you and your kids. If he doesn't want to do that, you are within your rights to find someone else who will. That may sound harsh, but you don't need to be ground down.

As to your family, if they don't want to talk to you on the phone, write them off and don't expect anything. My brother distanced themselves from me when I was with a partner who was depressed, didn't work, etc. I still don't have much to do with him, but what is strange is he doesn't want to acknowledge I turned around my life and ended up being pretty successful...in fact I am equivalently wealthy if not more so. I just shrug my shoulders and get on with things.

Could he have become this 'go-to person' because his sisters, understandably, saw he wasn't working and therefore had more time available than them?

It sounds to me as if you’re projecting your (understandable) inner resentment of your DH onto your SILs.

This - and also that you don't seem yet at the stage where you start seriously questioning your dh's narrative - but I think that time needs to come.

This is going to sound very blunt and perhaps you will see it as uncompassionate - but I expect I'm not the only person reading this and thinking how it's funny that women never get to be 'overconsumed' by having children to the point of not working for the best part of ten years and allowing those children to suffer from material deprivation. Women also don't get to sit around lamenting their 'bad luck', not when they're mothers. They find a way of getting on with it, as you have. I'm sure I'm far from the only woman on this thread who has worked through some pretty dire MH. Of course I'm not saying every type of MH difficulty can be worked through, but remaining in that position for ten years, without really doing anything to get better and change, isn't a luxury your dh really has. Except he does, because he has established the narrative of his bad luck and you are carrying all the burden and just about making things sort of work.

Your language about your dh's job search still suggests quite a lot of passivity and something a bit akin to entitlement - he's been interviewing but nothing's 'come through'. (As an aside, if he's getting interviews but not being successful at that stage, that is a very concrete point he can work on).

If I were your SILs I wouldn't be putting myself forward to act as my brother's enabler in this situation either, I have to say.

This exactly.
He sounds like an absolute burden.
If my partner hadn’t worked for ten years and refused to take medication to make themselves better , I would leave them.
What does he actually bring to the relationship ?
As others have said , if it was a physical ailment he would take medication.
Is he self medicating in other ways ? Smoking weed etc ? As you mentioned his sisters advice was to take prescribed medication? Just made me think was he taking non prescribed illegal drugs the way you stated in your post ?

@Princessfluffy i did not know that.
OP. Here’s a link https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/talking-therapies-medicine-treatments/talking-therapies-and-counselling/nhs-talking-therapies/#:~:text=You%20can%20refer%20yourself%20directly,or%20as%20an%20online%20course.

You say he's the go to person for his parents care OP. How much care is he providing?

If your husband had a physical illness he’d go to the doctor for medication, wouldn’t he? He’d then follow the doctor’s advice which might be seeing a specialist, attending physiotherapy, joining a support group for people with a similar or same illness? So why isn’t he doing the same for his mental ill health?
I get that he’d need help with that, more difficult for him to self start but that’s where you come in and you have to be firm, assertive to get the ball rolling. Make the appointment and drive him there.
His illness is affecting your life and your children’s detrimentally so I think the only solution is to make him get help.

It sounds like you have a lot of excuses for him. People who are resistant to all anti-depressants are offered other therapies. Why haven't both of you advocated for them? Is he actually resistant to every medication available?

He can get a job at a supermarket, fast food or a pub. I'm sorry but I've never met anyone who hasn't been able to get a job in 10 years. BS.

Your Hs family have no sympathy with him or you and don't want your problems in their lives. Their reactions suggest they believe he is malingering and that you are trying to tap them for financial support and they are giving you clear messages they will not get involved. You need to write them off OP because this sort of attitude runs deep in people and will never change. The only way they would treat you as one of them is if they viewed you as like them so if you were happy, successful and low maintenance. There to add to the fun, but not to the burden. You sound like you're battling very difficult circumstances and your loyalty to your H is impressive. I hope you have friends and family of your own who are able to support you and that your circumstances improve.

Op it sounds like they gave you decent advice though? Deep down did you want a handout? It may look like they do t want you involved in Christmas but eg the years we had nothing and in laws wanted to go to fairs they went on without us because they knew a Christmas fair with nothing is miserable. Same with Santa visits etc. so it might look like they’re excluding you but they may just be trying to watch your feelings

Are your family in your home country, OP? Easier to maintain a ‘compassionate stance’ for ten years when at a distance.

Bluntly, you as a family can’t afford private therapy because you’re raising children on a single income. Your DH needs to medicate enough to hold down even the crappiest, most PT job in order to fund his own therapy. And I don’t think being the go to person for his parents’ care is unreasonable if he’s not working.

I can’t help noticing that the two things you specifically mention as contributing to his low mental state are having children and being the go to person for his parents. You say he’s been depressed since you married ten years ago — yet having a child was a choice, and certainly having more than one, given its effect on his MH, and that he remains unable to support his children, was a choice that is difficult to understand.

It sounds to me as if you’re projecting your (understandable) inner resentment of your DH onto your SILs. Your DH can’t help being ill, but in refusing to access treatment, he’s condemning you and your children to a life of poverty, frequent house moves, and insecurity.

I have family members like this and it's awful when you want to help but they don't take that leap forward. One example, I set a job through close friend where family member didn't even bother attending the interview. The job was guaranteed with great prospects which left me mortified with embarrassment toward my friend having to explain why family didn't attend interview.

Same family members who have lived with poor mental health for decades but never seek help despite df physically arranging and taking them to therapy/doctors and still to this day they refuse to seek any help. Many advice given throughout the years with physically accompanying them but none followed through. You can't help people if they can't help themselves. The saying goes "give a man a fish, you feed them for a day. Teach a man to fish, you feed them for a lifetime". After a while, they continue to moan about their misfortunes how no one helps them despite trying to teach them how to fish then comes a time where you start distancing yourself because giving them a fish a day doesn't solve the root cause of the problems and it mentally, physically and financially drains you.

It sounds like they just want to get on with their lives, not sure why you think they want you to suffer, perhaps they just don't see it as their duty to fix your problems or financially look after your kids.

"My SILs like to keep us and our problems at arms length because they don't want their fun and christmases spoiled by people who can't spend loads of money on gifts and can't join in the conversation about expensive house renovations and similar frivolous topics."

To be honest, you sound like you do want a hand out. It would not make my Christmas enjoyable if a family member was going on and on about being poor and hinting that they wanted a hand out and that their kids were suffering whenever we were with them, and we had next to nothing in common except for being related.

You also sound jealous, which is understandable. But your husband doesn't work, so naturally you are going to struggle financially, and your kids are not their responsibility. You are in an unfortunate set of circumstances, but it's not their doing.

Short of them actually giving you money, which they obviously don't want to do, it sounds like they can't really help you.

I think they have given you good advice. There is nothing wrong with taking anti depressants if he needs them. His head will clear and he will be able to sort himself out

If he can't get a job in his chosen field then he needs to start applying for jobs he can get.

Even earning minimum wage would probably help your family and maybe the routine of work would help pull him out of this.

Depression is valid, but the person needs to help themselves and use the tools available. Go back to GP and self refer for therapy, being honest with them just how much this is affecting his life.

He has a family and children who are suffering. As PP said, ten years isn't a phase.

Compassion is beautiful and you sound incredibly supportive, but for your sake and your children's sake I would start taking a bit of a harder stance with DH.

If I was his sister I would struggle to know what to suggest after ten years... To me that would very much look like he has given up.

It can be frustrating and heartbreaking for family members to watch on in these situations, especially when there is children involved and some people decide to emotionally distance themselves.

I have had crippling depression and tried two antidepressants before I found one that worked. It is trial and error and awful adjustment periods for about 6 weeks or so, but you need to persevere.

I wouldn't say I am "cured" but I do what I need to do for the people I love.

My husband sat me down one day and said he couldn't watch me be like this anymore and he would support me but I needed to do something. He was kind but also very firm and although I felt angry, it was the kick up the bum I needed.

I was a bit harsh there. But I'm worried what you think is a phase isn't. I have friends with husbands who've not worked in 20/30 years and they're run into the ground.

Go seek help for yourself. There are a lot of different organisations and befriending groups.

There are services to help with jobseeking too.

Genuinely. They are not responsible for your children.

Their advice is solid.

Your dh needs to be on medication and get proper support and get a job.

Applying for council housing isn't necessarily about free housing (mainly cos it isn't free) but it is far more secure than private rentals. But you need to be only list and applying to be in with a chance.

They have offered practical advice...what more were you looking for?

Why comment on anti depressants when you very clearly have a weird agenda against them and have no idea how they work

Could you ask them for practical support?

For example, looking after your children whilst you take him to the doctors etc.

So they are helping practically with the situation.

Or could you ask them to drive him to the doctors?

They've had a lifetime with him. They know him.

He either gets help or proper disability benefits.

If they start to help, where does it stop? What do you think you're entitled to from them?

I speak from experience here and don't get involved as things can be made worse by entitlement and expection, which cuts both ways.

Free housing?
No its not free 🙄