To think my SILs want to see me suffer ?

Ten years isn’t a phase.

I’m not sure what your SIL’s could effectively do. There is a family member like this on my side, although he doesn’t have a family. Nobody really knows what to say to him any more. He is angry we don’t have the same kind of life he does. But he also will not take AD’s as he doesn’t want to take drugs. He has an excuse for everything; anxiety, tiredness, can’t go outside due to fields being cut, can’t work due to pain in his leg.

There isn’t really anything left to say. The old adage is true; people really do need to want to help themselves.

@Smama44 Have you heard of the Karpman Drama Triangle; Victim, Persecutor and Rescuer?
Your husbands preferred position seems to be the role of Victim, and that means he will fit with someone who feels comfortable playing the role of Rescuer. To complete the triangle, you would both need someone to play the role of a villain and that sounds like your SILs. Its a dynamic that's hard to leave because it feels right and comfortable. Its also hard to leave if its just you doing the work.
Its not usual to be so unwell that you can't work for a decade, to leave your partner struggling to support you, and not do anything about it. In your shoes I wouldn't be happy about that.

I'm sorry OP. It does sound really hard.

I think your DH needs to step up a bit on prescription drugs or interventions to enable him to function effectively.

I can see that, if he was not working, it was easy to get the care put on him and that can be very draining and also unpaid.

Your DH needs now to see his job as getting better, or managing as best he can with what he can do. I don't think 10 years can be a phase and I do think you need to take your head out of the sand a bit and think about whether you are not taking steps in the hope that things will change suddenly - what can be done now? Your SILs are trying to encourage this mindset, probably because they don't know what else they can do but watch a sad situation. Maybe they would pitch in if there was a specific ask to help move you forward - "can you look after the kids for a day whilst we (move house/husband interviews etc)" or whatever, but maybe they feel they can't just nod along sympathetically forever.

Hey OP, you can find info here about low-cost therapy options across the UK: https://freepsychotherapynetwork.com/organisations-offering-low-cost-psychotherapy/
Good luck x

You are clearly at your witts end. However you need to think if what's best for your children right now. If your husband is a depressive then he needs to learn how to cope better. Having people external to him try to coax him out of it, is not the way to go. He needs to decide he wants help. Why doesn't he like the medication?

I'm so sorry you're struggling. My DH has a family member who struggles with his mental health and this has had a similar financial and emotional impact on his family. In all honesty I've found it quite frustrating to continue to sympathise as he too is reluctant to try medication.

Without properly trying (I.e multiple different prescriptions for the appropriate time frame), it feels like he's not trying to help himself. Obviously no one can make him do anything, but it's hard to watch. Maybe his sisters feel like this too?

Have you tried to see if there is an Andy’s man club near you? They run support sessions solely for men. Give him the opportunity to make some friends, share stories etc

It sounds as though you are really struggling in an incredibly difficult situation, but none of this is your SILs' fault or responsibility to fix. If this has been going on for 10 years, it's unlikely to have come out of nowhere, and I would imagine there is a whole complicated history to place their sibling relationships within context.

We have a close family member who is in constant need of financial support. The initial situation technically wasn't their fault, but it did come about due to a lengthy series of bad decisions, and they went on to make more poor decisions, including a major one that has directly led to their current circumstances. They never do anything to help themselves, but have very high expectations of what sort of lifestyle they should have. For the best part of ten years, multiple family members - including siblings - have been bailing them out in emergencies, topping up their day-to-day income, paying for things that their children wouldn't otherwise be able to do. While this has been going on, the family member has continued to make their situation worse, to the point where there is now no realistic prospect of them ever getting themselves back on their feet.

Everyone has had enough of it, because there will never be an end date. There is no plan, no thought for the future, no consideration to upcoming changes in their circumstances - just the expectation that someone else will bail them out. One family member has stopped helping altogether. Their parents are still helping, but they've also taken a big step back in terms of how enmeshed they are in all the problems. Another family member will step in if there is a real emergency, and is prepared to help the children out in the future, but won't get involved in the day-to-day issues.

With the best will in the world, most people can't maintain the same level of concern and investment for years and years, especially if the person involved never does anything to improve their situation. In our family, we're resigned to the fact that we will be paying for this person until the end of our lives or theirs. The relationship will never recover from that.

OP, I'd be interested to know what being "overconsumed" with having children means in reality.

The advice he's been given is valid. He needs to go back to the GP, try antidepressants (and be prepared to change them if they don't work) and get referred for talking therapies. He needs to take the first steps to help himself. This is 10 years, not a blip and nothing will change until he does.

Please don't make the mistake of deflecting your frustrations with this situation on to your SILs, who have no control and can't provide a solution.

Yes, quite right, they would indeed have to be very wealthy to actually carry a whole family in poverty.

OP, I would definitely suggest your DP gets on a NHS waiting list. I'm my area, once he's had an assessment, he can access a duty manager (mon-fri) or you can, so if he's feeling low, they are there to support.

Theres different types of depression, so having a play around with different meds is sometimes the only way to find the right one. It's a pain, but necessary. Also, depression can be a sign of other health conditions, so encouraging him to see his GP could be a good idea.

Also, how about encouraging him to attend a mans club? I work in the mental health sector, and I've seen lots of clients benefit from being around other men, who have similar issues. Sometimes men don't open up to women.

Also, do you have a recovery college nearby? If not, you could see if you can join a neighbouring one. Recovery colleges are kind of guided self help, and have support groups for depression, anxiety. I've seen clients find these useful.

And is there a carers group you can go to for support? You need to take care of yourself OP.

What about using the citizens advice or similar organisations to help with your housing/ finances? With Christmas coming, as well, they might be able to refer you for support with kids presents? Just a thought.

I hope things get better for you and your kids and your DP. Ultimately, he has to empower himself. Depression is tough, but it's manageable with the right support.

I don’t understand what you actually wanted from them - you say you didn’t want money but then it sounds as if you expected them to buy things for your children. (If they had, you might well have felt patronised and humiliated by that. I would.)

I also don’t understand why you are interpreting their advice, which sounds perfectly reasonable to me, as "wanting to see you suffer".

Remember they have known their brother all their/his lives. Maybe they see his behaviour as part of a longstanding pattern and think he should do more to try NHS counselling, different medication, work, etc. so he can help provide for the family he presumably chose to have.

@Smama44 10 years of not working and depression is not a phase. It's a lifestyle. It's also your children's only life experience.

Your children are going without many things for financial reasons. They are also going without an active dad who is emotionally present in their lives and providing them with a positive male role model.

I don't know what more you and/or your SIL can do but if your husband refuses to get medical help I would consider leaving him. The situation at the moment is showing your sons how to be a man and your daughters what to accept from a partner. They deserve better than this.

Google local charities in your area for mental health help. There's lots of charities out there who can help with free counselling and most areas also have mens groups for men struggling these days also.

And if he’s struggling to get a job, volunteering will give him something more up to date on his cv. I know it’s a vicious cycle if his mental health is that bad, but the situation hasn’t, and won’t, change unless he himself makes it change. It won’t magically happen by ignoring things.

it would have been nice for sils to have a word too. Perhaps ask them that directly. They perhaps don’t want to intervene and upset either of you, or perhaps they’ve already tried to no avail?

There would probably also have to be some quite substantial sums involved in order for them to be doing any real 'saving'. It sounds like a lot of the struggle here is due to poverty, and they may genuinely not have the funds to be able to make a family with one low earner, one non worker and multiple children secure and comfortable.

My younger brother has suffered from depression his entire adult life, it has been hard to watch and when I used to live away from the family, everytime my mother used to call me I would hold my breath that it wasn’t the phone call to tell me he’s taken his own life.
He’s been on medication for a long time now and while he has his bad days occasionally, he lives a happy and healthy life and knows what to do when it gets too much.

Your SIL is not trying to be cruel, she’s probably coming from a place of frustration as he sounds like he’s done nothing to really help himself and she can’t watch it anymore. The fact you also brought children into the world with him being unstable and unable to work, may also confuse her
You called and asked for advice, so she gave it you 🤷🏼‍♀️

He does need to go back to the doctor. He needs to keep pushing until the right councillor that he can gel with, is found, and the right drug is found. If one doesn’t work, that doesn’t mean others won’t.

Additionally, your anger is misdirected. They haven't caused your issues.

Whether your husband means to or can help it or not, he is the reason you are living in miserable poverty and whether you like it or not you are choosing this life too by your own inaction.

What you do about your life is up to you, your family don't want to save you, so you will have to save yourself. And if nothing changes, nothing will change.

How long has he been like this?

Are they at the point where if he's still not medicated and can't work because of the depression, they are fed up of him not helping himself? There's only so much people can do for someone and 10 years is a long time to not have sought help

You seem like such a lovely caring partner and mother and I really hope things get better for your family.

I do think though, the perspective needed on this is not 'we can't afford therapy' but more 'can we afford not to seek therapy'? Do you want to be in this same position in 10 years time?

The only way out is if he agrees to start seeking some kind of help.

And yes that is a rocky journey all by itself. Not every drug works for everyone, not every therapist is a good fit, even when there's progress it can go backwards again before going fowards again, there is no quick fix, no one size fits all, it's often a life long journey.

But your husband has got to show willing, and that he cares enough about how the current situation is unsustainable and is impacting you and the children, even if he can't care for himself right now.

Otherwise no matter how much you love him and how much it hurts you have to ask yourself can you settle for the life you have now for forever, or do you need to rethink the future you envisioned for yourself and your children?

Unless you force the agenda your husband is not going to seek any help and will continue to just exist in the status quo because he can - hence it's been going on for 10years + already.

Sending hugs as I have been in a similar-ish position and it's tough and can feel really lonely.

Honestly see if there are any local support groups and reach out for support, go to meetings. Usually there are some for families affected my mental health and/or addiction issues, but also you'd be welcomed at meetings for people struggling with these issues, and it can be so helpful as they will know where you can get support, give you things to read and help you understand where your husband is mentally and the best way to support him into seeking help. Your husband does not think the way you think, because of his illness literally his thought process and reasoning are all affected. That means you do not really know how to communicate with him on his level, so it's hard to break through, and talking to those who have been through similar is a really great way to start to understand that.

Your SIL is unwilling to help because your DH is unwilling to take steps to help himself so is in an endless cycle.

It sounds like they have dealt with it previously and therefore don't want to go back there given he is showing no inclination of sorting himself. She has offered tou practical advice.

I keep my DB at arms length because he is in an endless cycle of being financially inept. He has had thousands upon thousands yet still doesn't budget and think he deserves the latest thing because he or the kids want it. I refuse to help because he doesn't change or learn so I would be throwing money into pit when it's a sticking plaster for a few months and he will be back.
Your SIL probably feels similar it's a sticking plaster because he refuses to make any steps towards addressing it.

A phase isn't 10 years. It's practically a generation.

Your in-laws aren't responsible or the cause of your lifestyles or health. They are highly unlikely to be that invested to want to see you suffer. At most they're probably impatient with you for being so passive about your lives.

You sound like you want someone to look after you because you're always the one doing the caring or having the responsibility.

The real question here is, do you want the life you have now for the rest of your life, since that's where it's going? Or do you need to change something work-wise or walk away from the relationship?

It may genuinely be really tough for your OH but I am always slightly sceptical of people who are 'too depressed' to have worked for an entire decade because I know plenty of depressed people who work (can't afford not to tbh), and also, I have a sibling who constantly plays the mental health card to get money out of people. In reality, she doesn't have any mental health problems. She has also never worked (not for more than a few weeks at a time, then months off to 'recover') and doesn't have much money as a consequence as relies on benefits/handouts, and she lays on thick guilt trips to get relatives to hand over money. Nearly everyone has (including me, even though I know her tricks). So it's hard for me not to have some sympathy for your SILs because I've been 'reached out to' about my sister's problems many times, which in reality means either give her cash or don't be annoyed about her rinsing mum and dad. It's really draining hearing how shit someone's life is every single time you try and have a conversation with them (until you just start avoiding them completely). I keep her at arm's length too. This may be miles away from your situation but what you say did rung bells with me, sorry.

ETA - your SILs are also right because if he's not taking prescription drugs then he clearly isn't even trying to get on top of the depression. Not good enough. (I speak as someone on sertraline with a full-time job and kids).

"My SILs like to keep us and our problems at arms length because they don't want their fun and christmases spoiled"

That is highly unlikely.