To think my SILs want to see me suffer ?

OP I do feel for you,
If you are in UK therapy is available through IAPT services xx they often have free self help programs you can log on whilst on the waiting list :)
Behavioural activation is something he could do himself using free online resources.
There's so much out there to try :)

@schmeler You have already been told that’s not how a most pharmacology works. 99% of the time, even if things can be quantified, it’s not how pharmacology and prescribing works due to great inter and intra variation of patient response - that is you can have 5 patients all with the same ‘level’ or lack thereof but they will rarely respond in the exact same way to the same dose, some may need double the amount to have a physiological effect and some half. So, in that situation you could have 5 different doses to enable the same clinical effect. Keep in mind though, even though you would have 5 ‘identical’ patients per a chem/bio screen, there clinical presentation would likely have been quite different initially also.

You seem to think all of this works in some manner that just doesn’t exist. Another easy analogy, per poisoning, you could take blood levels and you could have two people with identical blood levels, but typically they would need a different amount of antidote to have the same effect. Thats because we are biological organisms and none of this is black/white or works by the sort of maths that you assume it does. Antidepressants are no different.

You have also linked junk science articles. Could you please provide peer reviewed journal articles to support your claims that antidepressants don’t work/are not suitable for depression as this is really dangerous and needs to be supported if you are putting this forward. An explanation of why this is not aligned with global clinical guidelines will also be appreciated.

So tell me the tests that are performed to prove the chemical imbalance? How it is performed on someone when they go for a diagnosis? What chemicals are they specifically measuring? Are they high? Low? What it the normal 'balance'? What units of measurements are they measured in? ml? cl? How often are they re-checked? How many mg of meds are needed per unit of measurement to make them balance?

https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S2666915324000386

https://joannamoncrieff.com/2022/07/24/how-to-take-the-news-that-depression-has-not-been-shown-to-be-caused-by-a-chemical-imbalance/

Alongside lots of insightful comments, there’s also an element of patriarchy in all of this. Was your husband never made to take responsibility for himself? I bet that wasn’t afforded to his sisters. Sisters are often made to feel responsible for their brothers.

Im your sil in this situation. My brother has struggled with depression and has used his mental health to explain his behaviour for decades. It gets to the point where you just have to take a step back for your own health and sanity.

Another thoughtful and insightful post, which I'm sure OP will find very helpful. Thanks for sharing and giving @Smama44 some hope that there is a way forward. 🤗xx

Possibly, but we don't actually know - I did write it was a "bit" of an assumption. In any case, OP did marry him 10 years ago and has had children with him (whenever they were born) so telling her now that she shouldn't have is hardly a helpful comment.

Agree with this. Was he given an easier ride as a child while they had to earn respect. They do not owe him a living and are just being practical, possibly out of sheer exasperation, rather than wanting your dc to suffer. In fact I would suggest the reverse. If he has been like this for 10+ years what support has he sought? Why avoid meds or counselling which may help, presumably you wouldn't not plaster a broken arm ? Do you work?

What are you on about? Presumably you've never taken AD's before. I did after PND and I felt energised, proactive and more positive within weeks.

How should I have dealt with the 'root cause' of PND?

It may also be helpful to share details of his physical health, what kind of jobs he has tried for and where you are eg rural/city. Would a temporary contract be less stressful for him eg. retail or bar work over Christmas period? So he has an end in sight. Could he do Uber?

I was wondering if there was an element if cock-lodger-y also, but didn’t want to undermine the effects of depression.

Also OP, does he still have stress related to care of his parents? How would it be for his parents if he were assertive about this and basically told his sisters that due to his mental health and priorities in supporting his immediate family, he simply will not be doing it?

@Smama44 "what I wanted was for them to speak with him for encouragement or advice and just dissolve the frostiness as it was adding to his mood. I'd appreciate a more friendly relationship too, I do feel isolated from people in general, so just a casual chat occasionally would be greatly appreciated."

I would reply to them with more or less the above, and explain to them that you weren't seeking financial help from them. They probably assumed you were.

I strongly recommend that you post on the mental health section about the details of your DH’s struggles, especially with medication.

There are many different categories of drugs that can be used as anti depressants and within some of these categories there are multiple options. They differ considerably and they need an extended period to start to work, some get worse before they get better. Also a single drug might work for you at one point and cause a bad reaction another time, so it can be worth trying one again. Is it also possible that your husband may have symptoms that are mistaken for depression but actually stem from ADD or similar.

Has he ever been referred to a mental health team? If so when? In the last ten years he should have come to the top of someone’s list!

I don't think I could handle having children with someone who was always depressed to the point they are unable to work or contribute effectively to the household.

Maybe they are tired of trying to support him & it's not their fault he is refusing to take anti depressants.

You need to get into council house if at all possible. It would mean a more stable housing situation for the family.

I feel for you though as it sounds like you are trying to work, run the house & look after the children. Some moral & practical support would be nice.

OP, you poor women.
Selfish man who refuses to help himself.
So you and your children suffer.
Can you move home without him?
If you can do it.
His selfishness has dragged you down.

@Smama44 You mention that your family is supportive through this hopefully, "phase". A phase doesn't last for over a decade.

I have had major depression during my life and take medicine for it. Unless your DH is willing to help himself, he will continue to bring you and your children down the well with him.

I am betting his mood has not helped him with getting a job either.

You need to think about your children and yourself and whether you all want to go down with the ship if your DH doesn't seek help. Sometimes, you see people who are content to be mentally or physically unwell, as it helps them avoid the realities of life and living. Don't let your DH be content.

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We are all assuming he actually does have depression, the fact he refuses to see health care professionals maybe because he is a lazy git that has not developed a work ethic. Something those SILs are very probably aware of. OP has not come back, no surprise there, but I do hope she is reading these posts and having a long hard tjink about what is best for her and her family's future.

As the sister in this situation (I have a depressed brother),

It is not the sisters responsibility to look after their brother.

I tried to help my adult mentally ill brother, until I nearly had a breakdown myself.

People pointed out to me that I need to look after myself. And it's the mental health professionals that need to look after him

Your problem is DH.The thing is, it's been 10 years. It's really not acceptable for someone claiming to be too depressed to work and support his family to not do everything he can to get better i.e. seek medical help and medication. Your SILs maybe know him better than you do. It's not their job to enable him. I think you're looking for blame elsewhere because it's hard to accept your DH is not doing his part.

How do you know that they don't have stressful lives themselves? Are they working full time.
People can only look after themselves. Especially when working full time.

I have a depressed brother who doesn't work at all. He rings me late at night wanting support, and I tell him that I can't help him as I have to get up at 6am to go to work. I tell him that he needs to talk to his support worker.

Your partner is not his sisters responsibility

I agree, I’ve been on anti-anxiety antidepressants, and mood stabilisers since I was 15 and I’m now 28. The dosages have gone up and down, but generally I probably wouldn’t have been able to survive without them. Theres no shame in taking meds, a lot of the time people only use them short term anyway. I’ve managed to have a very successful career, 2 children etc due to them, with only minor side effects, so don’t let him be put off.

To think my SILs want to see me suffer ?

Why do you believe your SILs want to see you suffer?
Why do you think that they are to blame for the situation you find yourself in?

Your sisters in law have known your husband for longer than you have, so presumably they are better placed to have a view on how much sympathy he deserves.

I'm the sil also

Look it's very hard op but you don't know what struggles they have but they are dealing with them in a different way.

My sibling is like your partner only worse to the point I had to step back because her lifestyle choices are causing an awful lot of her issues and her partner continues to enable it and it gets really draining.

So rather than feel bitter towards them maybe put that energy into being more pro active. Get your partner to be more pro active.

You don't want your dc growing up in a negative sultry home where the adults aren't making steps to get out of the situation.

Change your mindset and I totally get it it's hard living with someone or around someone that's so negative and depressed and it can rub off but you can change that