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Original poster

Struggling with marriage during pregnancy - need perspective

219 replies

marriagehelpplease · 28/10/2024 22:01

NC as don't want posts linked

Expecting our first child and having serious concerns about my marriage, but really want to make it work. Recently came off antidepressants and recognise I could be more sensitive or even possibly seeing things in a distorted way - looking for honest feedback about whether these concerns are valid regardless of my mental state.

My husband works hard and helps with practical things like DIY that he chooses, but seems completely disconnected from the pregnancy. Out of many appointments (high-risk pregnancy), he's attended just one after I really pushed for it - the 12 week NHS scan. He declines to listen to baby's heartbeat at home when offered, saying "later" or "tomorrow" but never does.

Some concerning incidents that I know happened regardless of my mental state:
Recently, he locked us in a room with a broken door before an important meeting to "test" if we could get out. When I said I'd be late for work and didn't want to, he locked us in anyway, then mocked me when I panicked and made fun of the way I was crying, which felt cruel even if I was overreacting.

He refuses basic hygiene requests (like hand washing after using bathroom for poos), and when asked will sometimes intentionally touch kitchen surfaces before washing. When I ask for help with things like taking bins out or car issues while feeling unwell, he'll do it but make it very clear it's a massive inconvenience. I was really unwell last week and he couldn't even wash the dishes instead he piled them up because he says I'm messy and he refuses to clean up after me (absolutely but when I'm flu and pregnant I think it's cruel),

My mother has attended more appointments than him, and when I express hurt about his lack of involvement, he suggests the baby is mainly my thing because I'm the one getting excited about it. He won't engage in discussions about names except to make jokes from fantasy books, and says I can "call it whatever." He did make some purchase recently as his way of showing interest but day to day he doesn't acknowledge I must have put in about 100 hours in appointments, travel etc for this child and so much as an acknowledgment would be nice, or a cup of Tea or fetching me something from the supermarket.

I know my mental health isn't great right now - I can get emotional when frustrated, probably text too much when trying to communicate, and being off medication makes everything feel more intense. Some decisions I've made haven't worked out well, which he points out frequently and brings up in unrelated arguments.

He says I'm being overly dramatic, hormonal/irrational, taking things too seriously, not appreciating what he does do, and bringing up issues too much. When I try to discuss concerns, it usually ends in arguments where he tells me I'm crazy or threatens to block my messages. He refuses to consider counseling.

The only time I consistently see kindness is during intimate moments, which worries me. Despite contributing equally to our life together, I feel like I'm walking on eggshells most of the time.

I don't want to leave him - I want to fix this. Should I just go back on medication? How can I communicate better? What's normal partner behavior during pregnancy vs concerning? Even accounting for possible mental health issues, are some of these behaviors objectively concerning?

Note: Looking for constructive advice on making things work, not suggestions to leave.

OP posts:
Hyperbowl · 29/10/2024 00:20

StormingNorman · 28/10/2024 23:38

Where did you infer that I’m defending him? You’re indignant on OP’s behalf. I’m pragmatic. She needs to sort her head out before making any big decisions.

Show quote history

I think what the poster is getting as is that rather than actually being pragmatic you’re dismissing the abusive behaviour that the OPs husband is displaying and downplaying it as something lesser than it actually is. A prat is someone who is just a foolish person or an idiot who is often considered harmless but the OPs husband is harmful and certainly no idiot - he knows exactly what he’s doing.

Being pragmatic is about looking at a situation logically and reasoning sensibly or realistically with fact. Neither can be done in this situation where the outcome isn’t to leave because the fact is that she is actively being subjected to constant abuse and is therefore also at constant risk. You can never talk sense or reason into an abuser and it will never get better but there is always a greater chance of it getting worse and having a baby increases this due to the extra pressure it adds to a relationship. This really is less about being emotive for the OP and more about being realistic of that risk that she does face as a result of the abuse she’s being subjected to. Whilst she is in this relationship “sorting her head out” will not be remotely possible as an option.

She is not on her antidepressants because of the affect it could have on her baby which would have been discussed by her midwives and health care practitioners when assessing the pros and cons of continuing or discontinuing medication so she can’t go back on them until her baby has been born and possibly after breastfeeding if she so chooses.

The OP has highlighted some extremely concerning behaviours that her husband is displaying and once the baby is born this not only puts her at risk but the child too. She needs to leave this relationship for the wellbeing of herself and her child and to suggest that her continuing to stay within this volatile relationship until after her baby is born so she can go back on her mediation is negligent. He clearly has no empathy for either her or his own child which means he’s a dangerous man.

HelenTudorFisk · 29/10/2024 00:11

I despair at posts like these.
Rather than coming here to total strangers, please start taking a poll of your family and friends about his behavior and see what they think. If you don’t want to tell them, that’s all you need to know. I bet they’d be appalled.

Biffbaff · 29/10/2024 00:05

What the actual fuck, OP. Your partner is disgusting in every sense of the word. And you want us to give you tips on how you can fix this? You can't. He is horrible.

Please pick your self respect up from off the floor. You must know you're better than this or you wouldn't be asking.

cantthinkofausernametoadd · 29/10/2024 00:04

Fucking hell, don't walk but run. He's a dickhead.

Pistachiochiochio · 29/10/2024 00:01

marriagehelpplease · 28/10/2024 22:47

I just want to explain the door things as I perhaps made it sound more dramatic and whilst I genuinely aren't defending him I also want to ensure I'm being unbiased;

Basically my spare room door was broken, I asked him to fix it, we were arguing about something unrelated and I said not now as I was late for work as he said he wants to test it.

So instead of one of us being outside the door in case we couldn't exit he locked us both in to try and fix it. I screamed at him and said why would he do that and panicked and he said because I refused to help.

I got hysterical and then after a few minutes he got us out and then mocked how I was crying as I was uncontrollable. I thought that was real nasty and cruel, and he got so angry.

I still think it's cruel but perhaps not quite as bad as initially he wasn't randomly picking in for no reason at all.

He then fixed the door the next day

This doesn't make it less bad than the way you first explained it. This just confirms that he is being a nasty bully.

You can't fix this because you can't fix him. Sorry that's not what you want to hear.

I'm sorry for your losses. Your job now is to look after this baby even if you refuse to look after yourself

SmallhopesPenny · 28/10/2024 23:54

StormingNorman · 28/10/2024 23:38

Where did you infer that I’m defending him? You’re indignant on OP’s behalf. I’m pragmatic. She needs to sort her head out before making any big decisions.

Show quote history

As I already explained, I infer that you're defending him because you dismissed a massive list of abusive behaviour as 'a pile of dirty dishes'. It's so much more.

Bestfootforward11 · 28/10/2024 23:45

Hello. I’m sorry things are so hard, the circumstances you describe sound difficult. As an outsider looking in- and I appreciate you can only give a snapshot of things- but your husband’s behaviour does not sound very kind or loving. When you raise things, he shuts you down. He doesn’t tell you he’s proud of you but tells lies to put you down in front of others. He hasn't come with you to the baby appointments. While no one’s relationship is sunshine and roses 24/7, having a baseline of basic decency to each other has to be the minimum. I can understand that you want to find a way to make things better but it sounds like he is the one that needs to change and do things differently, not you. You need someone you can rely on each during tough times. Having a baby puts real pressure on a relationship because you are both sleep deprived, dynamics change and you are just trying to figure out what to do. So he needs to step up so you can work as a team. If he can’t or won’t have meaningful discussions about this, I do think you need to consider your options. You want your child to witness a healthy relationship and a mum who values herself. All the best going forward.

StormingNorman · 28/10/2024 23:38

SmallhopesPenny · 28/10/2024 23:27

He's not a prat, he's abusive. There are tonnes of red flags in her post. To dismiss all of the signs as "a pile of dirty dishes" is disingenuous at best.

I'm amazed anyone would defend this behaviour.

The OP may say she wants to make the relationship work, but that is clearly not healthy and her health will deteriorate further if she stays with him.

I can't believe anyone would tell a victim of abuse to sort out her own mental health rather than leave her abuser 😮

Edited
Show quote history

Where did you infer that I’m defending him? You’re indignant on OP’s behalf. I’m pragmatic. She needs to sort her head out before making any big decisions.

TheShellBeach · 28/10/2024 23:35

You're being abused, OP.

BIossomtoes · 28/10/2024 23:32

Hearing someone talk about “walking on eggshells” rings huge alarm bells for me. Nobody should live like that. You need to leave him @marriagehelpplease.

SmallhopesPenny · 28/10/2024 23:27

StormingNorman · 28/10/2024 23:22

He’s an absolute prat but OP doesn’t want to leave so she needs to work on her own MH so she can assess it with a clearer mind. It’s not always easy to judge your response to situations when your MH goes out of control and you spend a lot of time second guessing yourself.

So yes, I am serious. OP needs to be able to trust her judgement before deciding if this is a marriage she wants to be in.

I also know what about de looks like first hand and a pile of dirty plates isn’t it. That’s the mark of a shot husband but not necessarily an abusive one.

Show quote history

He's not a prat, he's abusive. There are tonnes of red flags in her post. To dismiss all of the signs as "a pile of dirty dishes" is disingenuous at best.

I'm amazed anyone would defend this behaviour.

The OP may say she wants to make the relationship work, but that is clearly not healthy and her health will deteriorate further if she stays with him.

I can't believe anyone would tell a victim of abuse to sort out her own mental health rather than leave her abuser 😮

Westofeasttoday · 28/10/2024 23:24

Are you okay otherwise physically? I caught the point about 100 hours of appointments. If you were nine months pregnant that would be almost three hours a week…..that is a lot of appointments and tbh depending why I’m not sure if he has a high stressed job he could talk half a day off every week…..

StormingNorman · 28/10/2024 23:22

SmallhopesPenny · 28/10/2024 23:07

are you for real?

The OP is clearly being abused. A man who refuses to wash hands after a poo? and then wipes germy hands on the kitchen worktops to taunt her?

A man who piles dishes in the kitchen rather than wash them when his partner has the flu because she's 'lazy'?

Show quote history

He’s an absolute prat but OP doesn’t want to leave so she needs to work on her own MH so she can assess it with a clearer mind. It’s not always easy to judge your response to situations when your MH goes out of control and you spend a lot of time second guessing yourself.

So yes, I am serious. OP needs to be able to trust her judgement before deciding if this is a marriage she wants to be in.

I also know what about de looks like first hand and a pile of dirty plates isn’t it. That’s the mark of a shot husband but not necessarily an abusive one.

BoxOfCats · 28/10/2024 23:10

He sounds absolutely horrible. He might say he loves you but his actions say a different thing, that he has very little care or respect for you and your wellbeing. Get the hell out of there.

SmallhopesPenny · 28/10/2024 23:08

OP, this will only get worse when the baby is here, and then you'll have a baby/child to protect. Please seek help.

SmallhopesPenny · 28/10/2024 23:07

StormingNorman · 28/10/2024 22:44

OP people who need antidepressants are infuriating to live with when they aren’t on them. I say this having been on both sides of that particular coin.

I would go back on your medication and get therapy for yourself. You won’t be in a position to work on your relationship until you know what’s real and what is just your mind running away with you.

are you for real?

The OP is clearly being abused. A man who refuses to wash hands after a poo? and then wipes germy hands on the kitchen worktops to taunt her?

A man who piles dishes in the kitchen rather than wash them when his partner has the flu because she's 'lazy'?

Bangwam1 · 28/10/2024 23:06

marriagehelpplease · 28/10/2024 22:27

I often just feel like he treats me like dirt not like his wife and mother of his future child

Even down to sharing pregnancy news despite miscarriages he could tell telling people after being told strictly not to, and then because I had told people (long story but I needed support early on as he wasn't coming to anything) he'd hold it against me and say we need to tell the same number of people and to leave him alone as he's excited (I have no idea what excitement had to do with it) but I just couldn't believe someone could be so childish and he claims to be excited but isn't interest in any of the health and appointments

Yeah. He is doing it or purpose. It’s called devaluation. You are even allowing him to refer to
your baby as it. You’re in a very abusive relationship, everyone is saying it for a reason.

Phineyj · 28/10/2024 23:00

Please tell your midwife the things you've told us here. Tell your parents. Phone Women's Aid.

Download Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That? See if anything resonates.

Hyperbowl · 28/10/2024 23:00

StormingNorman · 28/10/2024 22:44

OP people who need antidepressants are infuriating to live with when they aren’t on them. I say this having been on both sides of that particular coin.

I would go back on your medication and get therapy for yourself. You won’t be in a position to work on your relationship until you know what’s real and what is just your mind running away with you.

Just to clarify so I’m not misreading what you are saying. Are you suggesting that the OPs husband is justified in his behaviour towards the OP because she’s not on her antidepressant medication?

Is it not worth even in the slightest entertaining the possibility that the OP isn’t actually depressed due to her own mental state of health but as a direct result of spending years living in an abusive relationship and being gaslight into believing she’s the problem as she’s crazy/hormonal/anxious/depressed whenever she questions his horrific behaviour towards her? She can get as much therapy as she likes but that won’t change the way she’s treated by him.

Original poster
marriagehelpplease · 28/10/2024 22:59

@thesunisastar no he doesn't expect me to do it we sure most of the general stuff like cooking washing up etc.

We have a cleaner and then he says (which I don't believe e) he cleans the once for an hour every day!? When it's just two of us !

He's the one with the messy dogs so if more needs doing it should be him as far as I can see, I

OP posts:
Bangwam1 · 28/10/2024 22:58

marriagehelpplease · 28/10/2024 22:20

@Popcorn23 I'll look up women's and thank you.

It's been an ongoing issue to be honest for some years but seems to have got worse the last 12 months.

He says he loves me but these things make me question, I have just spent this evening alone crying because there's no one I can talk to about this (my family would just start disliking him and his family tend not to get involved in anything remotely controversial).

Another thing that's relatively minor too but upsets me and I've told him this, he often ridicules me at family gatherings with his family but makes lies - for example last week he said I'm eating multiple cakes a day to make me look bad and also says things that just aren't true. I call him out but he insists I'm lying and I then have to stop it otherwise they'll just think I'm strange it almost forces me to leave it as a lie. They're only silly lies but often ones to make me look bad and wind me up. If I'm upset by and don't find it funny I have no idea why he'd do this.

You’re likely dealing with someone with npd. He does it because narcissists enjoy hurting people. Pregnancy is largely when the mask slips and they start to devalue you much more intensely. He gaslights you and has all the other signs. You need to do some reading because if it’s true, they just get worse.

thesunisastar · 28/10/2024 22:57

His main gripe with me is that I don't do enough housework, I don't but I work a massively pressuring job, as does he - but we pay a cleaner so don't know why I have to do housework on top? We have dogs and they make a mess but they're his dogs not mine so again, he should do more

Can you clarify this OP? So you are currently both working full time, yes? Does he share the housework? Or does he expect you do it all?

SunsetlovIng · 28/10/2024 22:52

Trust your judgement. It’s sound. Listen to us.

Original poster
marriagehelpplease · 28/10/2024 22:50

@Lammveg because sometimes I think is it me due to being off my meds and unable to see wood through trees? I can't. Work out reality. I also think thought that no one deserves this even if I am being "crazy" due to my meds, I'm also pregnant so shouldn't he just try to be kind irrespective during this period. Acknowledge the work I'm doing to grow our baby? He doesn't say anything like he's proud of me or anything - just says millions of women do it.as if it's nothing

OP posts:
SunsetlovIng · 28/10/2024 22:50

Stop making excuses for him about the door. He was cruel, nasty and mocking just as you say. The fact that you’re no longer on anti-depressants has nothing to do with it. You’re not imagining this.