Struggling with marriage during pregnancy - need perspective

I haven’t read every post but OP, you are absolutely in an abusive relationship. This man is emotionally abusing you and he won’t change. It’s often the case that abuse starts or ramps up when a change happens which makes the woman more vulnerable, such as marrying or becoming pregnant. Please consider contacting www.rightsofwomen.org.Uk , Women’s Aid, a solicitor… and making arrangements to leave him. He means you harm and I also worry that he will do the same to your baby.

The best thing for you baby is to get away from this horrible, abusive man. He's messing with your head and will do the same to your child.

I'm serious when I say, run. He will break you down.

Just stop with the needing to 'stabilize her moods' bullshit. Are people not allowed to have emotions anymore?
She is reacting normally to this abnormal situation.
Id put money that she doesn't need anti depressants. She just needs to get rid of this abusive arsehole who is taunting and bullying her.
I can't believe people would normalize this behavior.

You say you definitely don't want to leave him, and you want it to work?

In that case, you must stop pointing out things he does or says that upset you, always agree with him, never have an opinion of your own, turn off all of your feelings and emotions, expect nothing from him, ask nothing of him.

When the baby arrives, allow him to keep living his life exactly as he wishes, and you must do 100% of the baby care, housework and anything else he doesn't want to do.

Dedicate yourself completely to making him happy, ignore your own needs and the needs of your baby come lower than his. He is top from now on. And make sure your child sees this dynamic as they grow up, so they can also replicate the same relationship when they're older and be just as happy as you in this wonderful relationship.

OP is being abused. She might not actually need meds, she has probably been driven to despair by her abuser and his treatment of her for years and this is being mistaken for depression, I don’t know. But sorry OP, you can’t fix this. He is abusive and it’ll only escalate.

I haven’t said or even implied it’s OP’s fault. I have said people who need meds to stabilise their mood are difficult to live with when they don’t take them. This is a fact. I have been on both sides of this coin. I also know that I cannot trust myself to interpret properly or make any major decisions while my mind is running away with me.

What I have said is that OP needs to get on meds and/or get therapy so she can see the situation clearly and act accordingly.

It may have been discussed with the midwife that the cons of medication during pregnancy outweighed the pros. But they probably need to revisit that conversation as OP can feel herself spiralling. OP needs to trust her judgement if she decides to leave and she needs to try to protect her MH for when the baby is born. There is a higher risk of post natal MH issues if you are already prone to them.

Where does she say that she is only 12 weeks? She says that the only appointment he attended was the 12 week scan.

If you think that his behaviour is just 'gross' rather than abuse and that the OP is a 'drama llama', you obviously either haven't read her posts properly or you are deliberately totally minimising and excusing his abusive behaviour.

OP, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Deep down, you know his behaviour isn’t acceptable. Taunting and mocking you, lying, taking pleasure in your discomfort, and refusing to help when you’re ill or practise basic hygiene - all this is cruel and abusive.

Your partner should support and love you, make your life easier and better, WANT to do things for you, and be your biggest fan. You shouldn’t walk on eggshells.

You say you want to know how to fix it, but everyone is right - you can’t fix it because you can’t change his behaviours. The only person whose behaviour you have control over is your own.

At the moment, you’re still stuck in the mindset of half wanting to think you’re the problem - medication, sensitivity etc - because if that’s the case you have some control and it can be fixed. But it can’t. What would you do? Medicate yourself so you’re numb to his nasty, abusive behaviour?

Tell your parents. Tell your friends. You know they’d be appalled.

It may take a long time for you to be ready to hear the truth - that you won’t change him, that he is probably insecure and miserable, and takes pleasure in making you miserable - and that all you can to to improve things is leave. I’ve been in that position and know how hard it is.

But you don’t have a long time. You have a child on the way, and you and they need to be in a supportive environment. Giving birth and adjusting to a newborn are so hard - even with the most supportive, kind, caring and capable partner.

It shouldn’t be like this. I’m so sorry he’s ruining your pregnancy, your self esteem, and I’m so worried about how things are going to be for you when baby comes.

So the incident with the door to frighten his pregnant wife isn't abuse? Wiping his poo germs all over the kitchen worktop on purpose to upset his wife isn't abuse? Refusing to attend any appointments with OP and calling the baby 'it' isn't abuse? When OP is ill in bed, purposely leaving his dirty dishes in the sink and making the OP wash them up isn't abuse?

You use the word 'prat' to describe him to minimise his abusive behaviour. Prat gives the impression of someone who's a bit silly, a bit of an idiot, not someone who is deliberately mean and cruel.

She says that she doesn't want to leave him, but she absolutely should.

And implying that all this is the OP's fault for coming off her anti-depressants is dispicable.

I don’t understand why you’d like to stay together with a horrible, abusive husband. He’s not fit to be a husband and I would imagine even less fit to be a father. You need to do the right thing for yourself and your baby and leave before the baby is born. I know this is not what you want to hear but in my opinion, it’s the only solution to create a safe space for your baby and yourself. Good luck.

Sorry, but none of this makes him sound any better. He is enjoying frightening his pregnant wife. He is showing absolutely no interest in the baby and he is deliberately trying to spread germs to make you really ill by deliberately touching things in the kitchen with his unwashed hands after doing a poo.

There is something really wrong with him. He sounds like a psychopath. You do need to speak to someone with experience of abuse for advice because he is abusive.

Don't subject your perfect new child to this terrible father.
I understand why you'd choose to put up with this for yourself, up until now, but it's not fair to bring that upon a child.
It doesn't really matter if he's abusive or just a massive arsehole. Either way he's mistreating you and doesn't care about the child... the child already exists and he's not interested.
Your child shouldn't have to live with this man, or see his father treating his mother this way.
Sorry.

OP.

If you think it's bad now, wait until the stress of having a baby hits.

He sounds cruel, petty and immature, what do you even like about him?! Why are you so keen to make it work with this guy?

For me and most others I imagine, having a baby put way more pressure on a relationship than a full on job, or feeling a bit rough during pregnancy.

Agree with others he’s a bully. He also sounds really immature. And he’s hit you. That’s awful.

but I also agree with others that if possible I would start taking the medication again - I’ve seen what it does to my husband when he goes off for a bit and he’s not himself and he can’t see clearly

He is a vile bully OP. He is using you being pregnant/hormonal and off your meds to make it seem like you're the issue. This is called gaslighting and is also a form of abuse. You are not the problem, he is.

It sounds like your life would be a lot calmer without him. He's being abusive.
Tell your family and midwife and get support to leave. You deserve some peace.

I had to pick my jaw up off the floor when I read that he locked you in a room against your will, then laughed at you.
No wonder your mental health is on tatters op.
I don't say this lightly but your husband sounds like a psyco, these things are not normal.
The disinterest in the pregnancy is the least of your problems.
Your husband is a manipulative abusive cunt.

Please leave for the sake of your health and your unborn baby.

A lot of dhs are bad at housework and maybe not too engaged with the pregnancy. Maybe that could be fixed. But the behaviours you are describing are much more than this and are quite extreme and actually a bit scary. Your reaction to being locked in was quite normal in my book especially being pregnant and more vulnerable. His reaction to you is pure evil, mocking and completely undermining your genuine fear. What if you had your baby with you. Your instincts to protect your baby will be at 100 when baby arrives and you cannot trust this man to keep you both safe. He is scaringly horrible.
You are only on antidepressants a while and l bet it's a lot to do with your dh and how he makes you feel. If you were away from him and in the safety of your own parents you may never need them. This man needs to be shocked to the core of his being. Go home to your parents and tell them everything. Tell that horrible monster his days of destroying you are over. If he is capable of change this will shock him into getting help. But, sorry, l don't believe for one moment that he will but staying with him is very bad for you and your baby. Please go to your parents. There is no shame in that. This is him, not you. Protect yourself and your little one.

He sounds pretty gross in all ways but you also sound a bit drama llama. You're only 12 weeks, I'd say most fathers only attend the 2 big scan appointments. There's no need to bring them to the midwife checks. Could he be distancing himself from the pregnancy due to previous miscarriages- like he doesn't want to get too attached to early?

Also they don't advise dopplers at home- studies show it just increases material anxiety and can give false readings especially as early as 12 weeks. Pretty sure midwives don't do them until 16 week check.

So you think that it's OK to lock you and your DC into a room just to "Test it??" Really??

Please leave him. He is bad for you and probably even worse for your DC because he is teaching them that his behaviour is normal?? Think of your DC rather than yourself. Do you think it is right to teach either a DS or a DD thsr this kind pf behaviour is normal??

@marriagehelpplease, you are married to a sadistic abuser who enjoys tormenting, belittling and gaslighting you. He does not love you in any way, shape or form, and actually get a huge buzz by upsetting you. He is dangerous.

It is absolutely chilling to know that a child will be exposed to H’s cruelty and your toxic home life. I guarantee that he will also mock and torment him/her, and you will be here writing a thread seeking advice about how to protect your baby/child.

This brute sounds like a narcissist or sociopath. You must tell your loved ones and professionals and ask for their help to get away from him and this poisonous relationship which will diminish you beyond recognition and damage your child’s well-being.

www.nhs.uk/pregnancy/support/domestic-abuse-in-pregnancy/

Pregnancy is often the point most abusers reveal their true selves and the abuse escalates. Because they know you're more vulnerable with a baby and less likely to leave. He's a low life scum bag who will only get worse once baby is born. He's showed you already what he's like, all the signs are there. If you don't leave him, he knows you're trapped making you the perfect victim. Fear and stress isn't good for you or the baby. Please call Women's Aid or let your midwife know - make plans to leave him. Now it's emotional and verbal abuse, he will resort to physical abuse as the pregnancy progresses and baby is born. Don't become a statistic. Fight back - you're a mama bear now, you're strong enough to grow a whole human so you're strong enough to walk away and do this without him. Stay safe and hope you will be ok.

He's a sadist, a gaslighter and a disgusting pig. Run like hell before he becomes physically as well as emotionally abusive.
The not washing hands after taking a dump is enough by itself, even without the abuse. You can't let a vulnerable baby be handled by somebody who leaves shit germs on his hands. Please leave.

While I agree with everyone else who says that your husband is abusing you OP, I agree also with the poster who suggested that you should go back on your meds, assuming of course that there is no chance of damage to your baby, as if you're already feeling low, and your mood is up and down, it's going to make it far harder for you to actually see what he's really doing to you, and to react accordingly.

However, what I don't understand, is why on earth you would want, or allow yourself to get pregnant, when you say that ‘It's been an ongoing issue to be honest for some years but seems to have got worse the last 12 months’. If it’s been an ongoing issue, surely you didn’t think that having a baby with him would fix it, did you?

How far along is your pregnancy? If it’s not too late, I would be giving serious thought to terminating, as things are NOT going to get any better with this dreadful man, and in all likelihood will get MUCH worse when the baby arrives. Please go and talk to your GP about everything that's going on, and get proper help and advice.

I'm sorry op, I can totally relate to wanting to fix a relationship like this especially when you're pregnant. But at the end of the day he is abusive, none of the things you listed should ever be done to a wife or partner. It doesn't matter if he's nice at time, abusers always are, that's how they keep you from leaving. You are not going mad, he is bad news and things will only get worse. There is no fixing this