Struggling with marriage during pregnancy - need perspective

You need help though? You are in an abusive relationship and are about to bring a baby into it.

It won't get better. It will always be your fault and eventually your babies fault.

Depends on how unwell I am. If I'm ill enough that I need a day in bed then that's what happens and the house runs as it needs to. DH will ask if I need anything, fetch any medicines if needed and offer food. If I go for a shower, he would remake or change the bed. I do the same.

We split housework 50/50 but also do what needs doing if we see it. DS who is 16 also does this.

Your relationship sounds abusive. He ignores you and does what he wants and treats you with zero respect.

Abuse isn't just physical.

I think you were able to cope with his behaviour when on antidepressants. He does not sound nice or loving. Neither a good partner nor future husband. The fact that you can't be honest with your family is extremely worrying.

There needs to be fair division of labour.
The housework is not the biggest problem here by far but if he can't step up when you are not well now it will be much much worse one baby arrives.
It's called teamwork. When I'm poorly my DH will do everything that needs to be done. We all live in this house and when one can only give 10% the other does the other 90%.

OP you mention how the links talk about physical abuse and I may have misinterpreted your words but you seem to think the advice doesn’t apply to you because he’s not as of yet been physically abusive. Let me be clear, emotional abuse is just as damaging as physical abuse except when bruises heal the mental torture lives on in the mind for many years to come if left untreated.

Having a baby will only exacerbate problems and make things worse. Sleep deprivation and lack of attention on them once baby is born can often spiral an abusive situation for it to then become physical. You said he was always bad but has gotten much worse recently. It’s not uncommon for this to happen once an abuser impregnates their partner as they believe they’ve trapped you. He’s aware of just how physically and emotionally vulnerable you are and that will only heighten once baby is born and he knows you will have to rely on him. But he can’t be relied upon can he? How much worse do you think it’s could to get once baby is born? He is unlikely to help you at all and may even blame you and get angry when baby is crying during the night and difficult to console. Babies feed off negative emotion and it’s just awful to even think about bringing a baby into a relationship such as this. When you get upset and scared, your baby can feel it too.

Please safeguard yourself and your unborn baby and get away because it’s not fair on your baby for you to put them through growing up in an environment like that. They don’t deserve it and only you have the ability to stop it. You have to leave one day whether you like it or not, this isn’t a decision that you have control over ultimately. One day you will realise this for yourself. Please tell your midwives everything that you’ve told us and let them help you.

I seriously don't think there's any point in people commenting any further, the OP has clearly made up her mind to stick with this man however abusive he becomes, and is just burying her head in the sand. It's a bit like an addiction really, we can all tell her how bad this man is for her, but until she realises it for herself, probably when he abuses their child, she's not going to do anything about it.

So, OP, at this stage I'm out!

My advice would be to contact domestic abuse charities for advice and keep records of his abusive behaviour.

Tell people in real life who you can trust and have an exit strategy for you and your baby for when living with him becomes unbearable or when you feel that he is not only a danger to you but to your baby.

You know how unhappy you are now.

Imagine how you’ll feel in the middle of the night, a crying baby in your arms, still recovering from giving birth, exhausted, hungry, hormonal and you need him to change the baby, give you a hug and tell you it’ll be alright. Is that what he’ll do?

Or will he use the baby to hurt you even more, mock your tears, diminish your exhaustion, berate you for the mess, tell you to get your own glass of water, insist the baby’s nappy can wait?

OP you keep asking for advise on how to fix this but you can't! You can not change your husband, he will not get better, treat you better or be considerate of your feelings by you changing anything you are doing. All you can do is decide if being treated like this is something you are willing to live with and subject your child to or if you are going to put a stop to it by leaving.

Nothing you do will make him change for the better the only change you might see is him treating you worse as you shrink yourself more and more to try and appease him.

Tell your mum what he is really like and just watch her face that will tell you all you need to know about how appalling this man is. Or imagine your DC telling you their partner treated them like this what would you say to them? It wouldn't be 'have you tried x,y, z to appease them?' It would be 'darling leave them and come home!'

Op is this seriously what you’re taking from all this? Please read people’s posts

I've been where you are now OP.
It took me until my son was 18 months to finally leave. It doesn't get better trust me.

This is absolutely your husband, and the advice you're getting given is to leave him before things get worse for you and your unborn child. Quite why you want to make it work I cannot fathom!
What do you actually get out of the relationship?!
My DH works hard, long hours, I'm on maternity leave, he cooks daily, he shares the housework, in fact probably does more than I do, he looks after DC, he does the food shopping, he would do absolutely anything for us. That's love and a marriage to stay in, not yours.

@bangwam1 is correct

Abuse often gets worse during pregnancy. It won't get any better once your baby / child is here to witness it too. Sorry OP but you are in denial, there is no fixing this level of psychological abuse.

He locked you in a room. That is messed up.

Firstly, if your doctor agrees it's safe for your baby, get back on the antidepressants. This is not because I think any of this is your fault but because you need to be able to think clearly about what is happening in this relationship. I say this as a long-term user of anti-depressants and know how bad things can get when you're off them.

Secondly, I would plan how to leave / kick him out and prepare to go it alone. He's a gaslighting abuser. He's no good for you and won't be good for your child. You can do this.

@marriagehelpplease kindly, from your posts, this is not you being off meds or anything else. It is him. He will not change. He should be cherishing you and instead he is belittling you, telling lies about you and, being the one with dogs, if he can’t wash his own hands then the thought of his lack of hygiene with them (and your comments about the work surfaces) - just NO.

He is not a nice person, I’m sorry.

Mumsnet is such a depressing place sometimes.

Sounds like OP has no intention of leaving but would instead prefer to concilate this asshole.

Threads we can all look forward to in the future-

Husband treating me worse since baby born
Is my husband bullying my 4 year old?
Adult daughter seems attracted to abusive men, how can I help her?
Should I go NC with Mum due to Dad's childhood abuse?
Why doesn't my daughter visit at Christmas?
Son treats girlfriends horribly

And so cycle continues....

The advice is unanimous: your partner is vile, abusive, he will not change and in fact his cruel treatment of you may even escalate once the baby arrives. People here are speaking from experience, and a place of empathy. You need to leave. I understand this feels terrifying. But is it worse than decades more of this, with an innocent, impressionable child in the mix.

The reason I support charities like women's aid is to ensure women like you, in situations like yours, have access to support and services that can help them take brave step on a new path. I wish you luck and happiness in future, please take action now.

I agree very much with this.
I'm so sorry, OP, but you've been given solid perspectives here: he is clearly abusive, and as pp says, he seems to be narcissistic (and of the quite malignant type, tbh). Pregnancy is The litmus test: if he is being cruel and nasty to you while pregnant, you definitely DON'T want him around when your child is born. He's being awful to you now not because he doesn't aknowledge that you're doing the most important task (growing a human being within, numinous stuff): he's being awful because he knows! He knows and can't stand it.

When did your depression start, by the way? When did you started medicating? Was it encouraged by him? (ETA: I now see you already answered this)
Is he saying now that you need to take the medication again? If you're out of taking it for now it is, presumably, with the knowledge of your doctor so they think you're well without it? Have you told them what's the situation at home?

Stop blaming yourself!! It’s ok to have depression and I can tell you one thing, he’s clearly not helped it has he? If anything he’s used it to his advantage.

I know you love this man. I was head over heels about my ex and I thought I could not or would not live without him. I left, got out, got help and now I look back and think what the actual fuck was going on in my head that I thought any of this was ok. I since have met my husband who is the most green flagged person I’ve ever met. I have BPD from a mixture of childhood trauma and my previous relationship’s trauma. It doesn’t affect our relationship because my husband is caring and understanding and knows my brain doesn’t react the same way others do. That is what a good man does. He doesn’t exasperate it. He doesn’t do anything to make you hysterical however irrational it may seem to him. Your mental health has nothing to do with the way your husband treats you.

please OP listen to what you’re being told here

I don't understand why you are so set on 'making it work' with what, from the outside, is very clearly an utter horror of a person and possibly a dangerous one? It seems as if you've been in this relationship for a while - is it the sunk costs fallacy?