Struggling with marriage during pregnancy - need perspective

No mention of the lying about you in front of other people or not taking any interest in his own child...

You seem determined to allow this mam to f your kid up, I feel sad about that. Hope we're all wrong and he sorts himself out.

I have said to you multiple times I have BPD. You don’t have the monopoly on mental health. You haven’t taken on board one thing that has been said which is totally your prerogative. The reaction has been helpful, it just isn’t what you wanted. There’s a difference. Genuinely wish you all the best of luck. Trust me you’re going to need it.

ps abusive relationships are black and white. Abuse is abuse. Abusers make it grey!

So he's putting his behaviour onto you?

Is he unable to control his nasty behaviour?

He's pretty much turned it round and batted it back to you.

So you get help and sort yourself out, what will he do?

We teach toddlers how to own their behaviour and talk it through, why can this fully grown and functioning man not do the same?

OP, he is making excuses and shifting the blame on you. You do not control his behaviour. He does. He could choose to respond in a mature way, but he chooses to be vicious instead. That is his character and it will not change if you go back on meds.

It is possible that both (your mental health struggles and his unacceptable behaviour) are true, but if I was a betting woman I’d be confident to put my house on those things being linked.

What do you think it does for your mental health when he makes fun of and laughs at you when you are struggling? Or when he wipes his dirty shitty hands in the kitchen to get a reaction? Or when he refuses to attend appointments with you? Or God forbid when he literally locks you in a room?

What I’d be thinking if I was you is- if your child behaved like him in 20 years, would you be proud of them? Because I wouldn’t. And the only way to avoid that is to get away, now. If not for your own sake then for the sake of your child, they deserve far better.

Children learn about healthy relationships, what love looks like etc from watching their parents. So again, if your child was in a relationship like yours in 20 years, would you be happy for them? If not, lead by example and leave.

Fucking hell OP. I’ve genuinely been thinking about you a lot today but I’m out. I sincerely hope you come to your senses soon.

Sorry if someone has said this before but if you need to be medicated to endure your marriage it isn't much of a marriage.

I would think your mental health struggles are because of him.

He sounds like a nasty bastard. Abuse very often starts in pregnancy and I am very concerned this will escalate. Do you have anywhere else to go.

Also why do you think it's normal for someone who loves you and cares about you to mock you, and dismiss your feelings, or be rude to you? Have you ever experienced someone just loving you for you and feeling safe and looked after, like you matter? If not, some therapy would help you understand you deserve better, you deserve to be treated with kindness.

Turn the question on it's head - what makes him a good partner? What do you want in a partner? Is he meaner to you than his colleagues and friends - would he mock them, refuse to help them, insult them? Ask yourself why does he treat you worse than other people....because he cares what they think of him, he doesn't care what you think of him. And that's a lack of respect for your feelings and opinions. You're the mother of his child and even that isn't enough to make him treat you better, so how does he actually like/love/care about in you?

Doing DIY, paying the bills isn't for your benefit, it's for his. So what if you have mental health problems - if he doesn't like it, he could leave instead of staying and punishing you for it. In sickness and health is a marriage vow, there are old men bathing and cleaning the bums of their sick wives - can you see him do that for you?

Think of a bad man - the kind who's a villain in a film. If you were to watch your relationship on telly, would you think your DH was in love with you and treated you well, it was a good relationship, or would you be screaming at the telly to get out? My partner would never mock me, be rude to me, punish me or ignore/neglect me. If I was sick, he'd be looking after me. If I told him I was scared of something or upset by something, he'd listen. He tells me he loves me seeing me smile and when i'm sad he's sad, so will do anything to cheer me up and calm me down. This is because he loves and respects me.

Your DH isn't going to be a good father. You can't treat a child's mother like shit and be a good father. It's a bad example and your children will grow up in an environment of nastiness and mean behaviour - no different to going to school with bullies. And you brought him into their life - their upbringing and future is entirely on you. You can do the right thing, be brave and selfless, put your child first and leave this toxic man. Or you can stay because it's easier for you and watch your child suffer and turn out exactly like their dad, or resent you for being too cowardly to leave.

From my partner, I expect respect, honesty, kindness and communication.

When I'm poorly, he automatically takes care of all the house chores, he'll cook my favorite comfort foods, wash my pj's so I have a clean set to lounge about in, he'll bring me cuppas and then join me for a cuddle even if I'm all snotty and coughing.

If I'm struggling with my mental health, he listens to me talk it out, will reassure me how this will pass and remind me how strong I am.

He makes me laugh, pops my favourite shows on to cheer me up (even the ones I know he hates!).

After a big surgery last year, he gently helped me wash and dress.

Of course we have our spats but in the 24 years we've been together we have never been mean to each other/called names/been petty.

Neither of us are perfect but we're a team, and he's my biggest supporter.

That is so heartwarming, especially for one so young. That’s when you know a person has a kind personality inside and out. No one is perfect but that’s the kind of man every woman deserves I think. I’m very happy for you, if only everyone was like that.

You can't make it work my love, hes abusive.
There are no magic words we can give you to make him stop and turn into a decent human being.
You need to decide if you are going to carry on being abused (and bear in mind abuse usually ramps up with a newborn) and subject your child to the same or leave him.
Sorry, not what you wanted to hear

@Hyperbowl

He is honestly one of the kindest people I’ve ever met. He’s non judgemental, generous with time and money,

When I met him he lived at home and his mum was going through chemo. He was 23. We met at a hobby group and instead of coming out with everyone afterwards for drinks he went home to make her food she liked. I remember thinking then that he was likely a kind man and it’s very true still nearly 20 years later.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/couples-thrive/202304/hi-im-a-healthy-relationship

Please don't be afraid.
My midwife was so helpful and so kind when I told her (and I only did after he finally felt after a minor argument) I also was so scared I would be put kn some kind of social services take the baby away list, but that's not the case at all. They will be kind to you, help you know what's normal and what isn't, give you extra care, put you in touch with Perinatal mental health - mine did on my request (as my ex had convinced me I was crazy) and I didn't meet threshold for support as I was just experiencing normal distress and trauma caused by him.

When I was pregnant I was quite unwell and had mobility problems. He did basically everything for the last two months. At one point I was too uncomfortable to lie in the bed and could only sleep sitting up on the sofa in a kind of nest. He came to sleep on the floor so I wasn’t lonely (I sent him back to bed - utterly bonkers).

That was so sweet and genuinely really lovely to read. I know that sort of treatment should be standard really but what a kindhearted gentleman to offer to sleep on the floor so you wouldn’t be lonely. 🥹 Amongst all the (understandable) negativity on this thread it’s nice to read from some posters who have that sort of a relationship with their partners. It sets that bar much higher as it should be.

Hi, OP. I also have depression and had to quit medications while I was pregnant (twice), and that isn’t your main issue here.

Besides all the things people have mentioned, I want to draw attention to how he’s so detached from the experience of being an expectant father. When I was pregnant with my first baby, my husband was not as fixated on plans for the baby as I was - but he gave a damn. He cared about the baby’s name and getting the room ready and baby-proofing the house and buying cat seats and furniture, and he took it as obvious that he’d be going to all my appointments when possible. At the time, I was disappointed, because I wanted the baby to consume his every waking moment, but in retrospect? He was fine. He was a little freaked out by the life-changing immensity of the situation, but he did what he needed to do without being asked. And he took great care of me when I couldn’t leave the house for two weeks because I couldn’t stop throwing up.

That’s not your husband. Yours is just detached from the whole experience in a way that really concerns me. Yours doesn’t seem to really want to be involved in any of this, and that is not going to end well. At best, he’s a threat to your emotional safety, and at worst, he’s a threat to your physical safety.

He's an abusive nightmare and you want us to help you find a way to tolerate him being near you and your vulnerable, innocent baby?

No, OP. Your child needs and deserves so, so much better than this. Maybe you won't realise until your baby is here and the utter fury of witnessing him mistreat him/her moves you to take action to put a stop to it. That's what happened to my SIL. Once she realised her precious baby girl was in danger, the gloves were off and the scales fell from her eyes. She saw him the way everyone around her saw him.

Wishing you all the strength you need 💐

What on earth have I just read? He sounds like a complete freak and a psychopath. Would you really want a man who doesn’t wash his hands after he takes a dump to be around a newborn? Plus all the other abuse. Please for the love of God leave this feeble excuse of a man and don’t put his name on the babies birth certificate. No one deserves this.

If he is annoyed, I wonder if he will smear shit in the kitchen when there is a delicate new born in the house.