Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Once a cheat?

38 replies

Rascal741 · 28/10/2024 21:37

AIBU, to say, almost always once a cheat, always a cheat?

My friend of 20 years got herself involved with a married man. She said the relationship was done despite him still living with his DW and teen DC's. DW found out, distraught and removed him from family home, so I imagine she wasn't aware the marriage was dead. They have continued a relationship. Its been 1.5yr now, and whilst they don't cohabit, they holiday together and date ecetera. I asked my friend if she saw this as a long-term thing, and she said yes as they're talking marriage. I asked her about his cheating on his DW, and was this a concern. She believes not, and she will always be enough for him. She's slightly offended that I have raised this.

Got me thinking, do they really change, or is it a case of once a cheat always a cheat?

OP posts:
Ellsx6 · 28/10/2024 22:17

Don't think once a cheat always a cheat in certain situations

My DH cheated on his girlfriend before we got together when he was 18

They broke up, he was single for a year then met me and we've been together since. It's been years and I'm pretty certain (well I hope so as I'm pregnant!!) that he's never cheated.

However, if you meet someone through cheating, then yeah the once a cheat always a cheat stands..you met someone through cheating how on earth do you think they'll be faithful to you if they couldn't keep it in there pants with a whole wife and kids at home. Your friends naive and id have/say the same concerns to her!

Noseybookworm · 28/10/2024 22:13

I don't think that's always the case but they do say the best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour! I think if you've cheated once, it's easier the second time and probably the guilt lessens every time you do it and get away with it. Your friend has fallen into the trap of thinking he'll never do it to her because he's so in love with her - presumably his wife once thought that too 😏

Original poster
Rascal741 · 28/10/2024 22:04

Kentuckycriedfrickin · 28/10/2024 21:51

This happened with a friend of mine. She has no idea she was the OW as he 'lived' in a flat here four days a week and 'travelled' for work then other three. Turned out he was actually working here and his three 'working' days were when he was with his partner and children. He left the partner and children for my friend who forgave him, it turned out that he'd done the same thing to that partner when they'd met and has a pattern of lining up the new partner while still living with the previous one. We're all more or less waiting for him to cheat on her too and she's well aware that we don't like him.

I definitely think once a cheater, always a cheater. It takes a special kind of callousness to repeatedly and deliberately betray the trust of someone who loves you, to look them in the face and lie again and again. That sort of behaviour doesn't change.

On one hand, I really worry she will get hurt. On the other hand, she was fully aware he lived with DW and DC. The DC will not have anything to do with her which I think will impact the relationship in future.

I suppose, as PP said, so many different variables involved it's hard to make a solid judgement call. I do not think I would ever relax fully in the relationship if this was the foundation.

OP posts:
Kentuckycriedfrickin · 28/10/2024 21:51

This happened with a friend of mine. She has no idea she was the OW as he 'lived' in a flat here four days a week and 'travelled' for work then other three. Turned out he was actually working here and his three 'working' days were when he was with his partner and children. He left the partner and children for my friend who forgave him, it turned out that he'd done the same thing to that partner when they'd met and has a pattern of lining up the new partner while still living with the previous one. We're all more or less waiting for him to cheat on her too and she's well aware that we don't like him.

I definitely think once a cheater, always a cheater. It takes a special kind of callousness to repeatedly and deliberately betray the trust of someone who loves you, to look them in the face and lie again and again. That sort of behaviour doesn't change.

BirthdayRainbow · 28/10/2024 21:51

It's never cut and dried.

man 1. Had one affair. Faithful since.
man 2. Had an affair. Faithful for 20 years. Having another affair but only because of who it is with.

There are so many variables.

Original poster
Rascal741 · 28/10/2024 21:49

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

I agree there are exceptions. But very rarely from what I hear and see from friends, family, and reading on here.

OP posts:
Toffeeeapple · 28/10/2024 21:47

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Rascal741 · 28/10/2024 21:45

UsernameNameUser · 28/10/2024 21:39

As my mother always said: You lose them how you got them.

Your friend got him cause he was cheating on his wife. She’ll lose him when he cheats on her too.

This is exactly what I'm trying to explain to her, but she doesn't see it.

OP posts:
username1478 · 28/10/2024 21:44

There are exceptions to the rule, but cheats tend to have moral incontinence. Why you would trust a proven liar is beyond me.

Original poster
Rascal741 · 28/10/2024 21:44

I am shocked at the whole thing. She is usually a very level-headed and caring lady. She knew he was living with DW, and I agree that he was the one that cheated, but I'm surprised she got involved. Especially as there are children on both sides.

I have tried to raise the issue gently, but because I have never been in the situation, she doesn't value my feedback. Time after time, I see once a cheat playing.

OP posts:
StormingNorman · 28/10/2024 21:44

When the mistress becomes the wife, she creates a vacancy. I wish them both everything they deserve in their life together.

OrNo · 28/10/2024 21:40

My FIL cheated on my MIL throughout their marriage. Eventually left her and got remarried but still has a wandering eye. I don't know why women think they are the ones to change a man. If he cheated with you he'll cheat on you.

UsernameNameUser · 28/10/2024 21:39

As my mother always said: You lose them how you got them.

Your friend got him cause he was cheating on his wife. She’ll lose him when he cheats on her too.

Swipe left for the next trending thread