To feel very got at lately by inlaws

I haven't read other replies yet because what you say has resounded so much with me. My life sounds very similar to yours.

I told my husband, but he never really did anything about it for years - because he worked away from home and wasn't around to see it. (He has since admitted that he felt guilty and powerless at the time because I had no other source of support while he was away).

Anyhow, I sucked it up for years and kept my feelings to myself. Until finally, children fully grown adults, FIL died a few years before and MIL started rapidly declining, I couldn't cope. DH was retired, his siblings - living miles from us - spent a great deal of time telling DH how to provide care (mostly taking it all on and not spending money), I just broke. I could not go near MIL - I didn't even go to the funeral or meet the family when they all descended - I could not be at home so took my tiny caravan 2 miles away and lived there for about 2 months until it was all over.

DH visited daily and we were OK because he understood that I needed to get away from his stress. By leaving him to it, he only had himself to deal with and didn't need to feel that he was neglecting me. I was as supportive of him as I could be - actually better, removed from, rather than being directly involved in, the situation.

I saw a counsellor and worked through my feelings but it took a long time. The whole experience has changed me for the better, I think, but I have come to realise that things were left to fester for too long. I gave so much over the years, with little return so I eventually had nothing left.

So this is something of a cautionary tale. Find a source of support, please. A therapist would probably be best, and these days even in the UK it is very difficult to find free counselling - but not impossible. Don't let it go on as long as I did.

Op, I have very little direct experience, but as I read your posts , I too thought ‘Bipolar?’

It does sound like you need some help, possibly, but not necessarily meds, but very definitely , talking things through with a professional who understands your difficulties.

Your family are telling you they are worried about you, and about the wider impact on them of your issues. Please look for professional help.

Are they silly or are they inappropriate? No disrespect meant, but can you fully understand the difference? My friend has a daughter with ADHD and a few other conditions and the stuff she says is so inappropriate to everyone else but she finds it so funny. I am personally totally used to her and can brush off things she says, but other people do not take to her well because she has no boundaries for personal space and she can literally blurt out anything and it makes people uncomfortable. Maybe this is the issue? With regards to the meds, please just take them if you have been advised to do so. Your looks shouldn't be more important than your mental health. You can still look good while taking meds surely? Your looks don't affect your children and people around you, your mental health however does. "My baby's to white" just isn't a usual thing to say. Why are you even thinking about that? Let alone being annoyed by it. I think you would benefit from help. Go speak to your GP and explain. Wish you all the best

OP - read back your posts when you are feeling a little less agitated.
Surely you can see that you need help?
If meds aren’t for you, you need to go back to your GP for an alternative strategy.
You MUST do something though. With your current thought processes, neither you nor your children are safe. Please re-seek help.

Have you had your thyroid checked for over activity?
do you have a good balanced diet?

OP, I'm afraid you can't say "that's just who I am". If we all did that, the world would be even more fucked up than it already is. It's not good enough. We all have to live with other people. Your attitude and behaviour is extremely damaging for your DH and children. Your FIL is obviously deeply concerned and not just about you but about his son and grandchildren, as is his right. You clearly have far, far bigger problems than your fake tan and hair. Go to see your GP and, if needs be, take medication for your own sake and everyone else's. If you don't do something constructive about your illness, social services may get involved.

OP your FIL handled this all wrong but I do have concerns about your MH just from reading the posts.

Do you take medication for the ADHD, or would you consider it? It’s very difficult sometimes to know where ADHD ends and MH begins. Working on the ADHD first will give you a clearer picture of whether you need to take anything for your MH.

I will say that some meds are worse for weight gain than others. If you speak to your doctor about this concern, they can factor it in to what they prescribe.

Wish you all the best x

Please scream at the hyper person. It will do so much good 🙄

Your baby is too white?

OP, gently. ‘That’s just who I am’ isn’t really good enough as a grown up. What if your child said that about not feeling confident or struggling with maths? You would help them find tools to feel better about them selves / move forward with their numeracy.

The same applies to our self growth as adults - if you’re getting messaging from your husband + Dr that you would benefit from some support then it’s really worth taking that on board.

your FIL sounds like a poorly regulated communicator himself. But if you can strip away the feelings of defensiveness and hear his messaging - it sounds like it comes from a place of concern for your family not intentionally unkind.

if you dig deep and consider - what is it that is making you feel ‘hyper and silly and loud’ - is it anxiety? Are you trying to fill space?

is being silly and loud like that something you would want to model to your son as a coping mechanism? Or would you rather he found other ways to calm himself.

you mention being told to put your phone away - again this sounds like a way of perhaps trying to hide from communicating? And your reaction to being reminded suggests maybe you feel about guilty because you know it’s not polite - or is something you don’t manage yourself around very well?

As I often say - the only thing we can change in our relationships with anyone is ourselves. If you are getting some strong messaging from DH and ILs that things aren’t working then it might be worth listening

edited - sorry didn’t mean to quote the above - don’t know how to remove that part!

Take the pills it sounds like you need them if you want to save your marriage

Your feelings towards other people and your ability to deal with them is symptomatic of your own mental well being. Sort out your well being first, seek external help if you can't get that support from family,sounds like you have and they have offered treatment. Take the treatment or go back and ask for a different option but concentrate on you. Then you will be in a space to deal with the in -laws. Though you are hoping for support from the family it's not helping right now so look for other options. You can't control other people you can only choose how you react to them and respond to them.

I would seek help before social services gets involved, you need to see your gp and work out plan and no I can't understand all your threads so if you have a plan already great keep with it but if you don't calm down I would not have you in my place there is so many times people can be understanding and using the 'vulnerable' card

Yes I have it too, it was a long time before I knew why I couldn't function like everyone else. I've never seen anyone with such extreme symptoms, and now you've described it, it does make sense.

I agree with this I’m afraid op, I’d be very concerned indeed if I were them, both for you but for the kids and your partner as well.

That’s exactly what I thought when I read the OP’s comments

Hello OP.

My son stopped taking his meds a couple of years ago and ended up losing his job as he was uncontrollable.

You are coming across very much like that.

No-one NEEDS a tan twice a week.

Your DH sounds like he is struggling with your behaviour if he is asking you to try to tone it down when you are at his parents.

Your FIL is seeing behaviours which he thinks are worrying. It might be classed as rude to have said you were vain and to get off your phone. Or maybe it needed saying?

Please talk to your DH and ask him to be very honest with you. If he genuinely thinks it's getting out of hand and you are starting to get unreasonable/uncontrollable then you need to consider going back to GP.

You are a mum, and your kids should be your main priority. It sounds like yourself - or achieving an idealised version of yourself - is your main priority. Something is a bit skewed.

I don't think you should feel forced to take tablets, but I do think you'd be happier if you did something to help your MH and hyperactivity. The way you describe your visit to your ILs, especially commenting negatively about your baby's skin colour, will be very very concerning for them OP. Gently, you don't sound well at all, and you might not realise right now that you're actually in a bad place.

It sounds like you need some decent counselling - be prepared, there’s no quick fix but it may help you process your trauma and start coming to terms with your problems.
The minute I started reading your post it screamed ADHD. You may benefit from the right medication but specialist counselling will also help.
Believe me, you’ll grow out of the tanning thing once you realize you are enough and don’t need to dye your skin to please others. I am not keen on my pale uneven pink skin either but have eventually learnt that patchy fake tan and smelling like a digestive biscuit ain’t great either !

My partner has just been diagnosed with ADHD (amongst other things), he’s 55. He has often been difficult / exhausting to live with but with a combination of him working on himself, and his family and friends’ support and understanding, things are gradually improving.
Get some help, and ensure your family get educated on your ‘super power’ !

BTW - WTF is a ‘do over’ ??!

DO NOT TAKE THOSE TABLETS BY FORCE!
you are not a danger to anyone, and no one should be forcing you. Perhaps therapy would be better. They are a menace and once you are in them you can’t get off.

No problem, I have it but my sibling way worse and the way op is writing sounds like her, she’s paranoid, overthinks and struggles to manage most aspects of life, it can be tough. I’m more mild but still struggle with intrusive thoughts and am so sensitive but manage to hold down a job and have worked on coping strategies. Social media gives a lot of info about adhd that makes it appear to be having quirky behaviours but it can be so disabling

This is what I was going to ask, this is a very strange thing for anyone to say or for you to feel, can you explain this more OP?

I think it does sound like you need some support, and some of your descriptions sound a little like my family members who have bipolar, is this something the doctor has ever suggested to you?

Not everyone wants a loud and hyper person to visit them. Is there any way of managing the loudness and hypermess before you visit? Is there an activity you could do which would channel some of the energy?

What do you mean your kids aren’t yours? Says who?

It suspect that they care for you and are concerned about your health. I suspect that the rejection sensitive dysphoria that tends to go hand in hand with ADHD is causing you to interpret their concerns as an attack.

There may be more going on than ADHD. You need to see a psychiatrist and tell them everything that you are telling us. They can help.

You need to take whatever medication they prescribe. It's their job to help. Making you better is their only motivation.