Reaching out 🥲

OP, this is a fantastic suggestion. He might not be there yet (as in ready or wanting to take up a hobby), there’s a few steps to be taken before this, but fitness can be an excellent outlet. Might I add to the suggestion? Self defense classes. Some type of martial arts?

If his behaviour really is stemming from the sexual assault he endured, self defense classes can be powerful in rebuilding his confidence with the added bonus of getting him out of the house, into an activity that benefits his health (physical and mental)

I can see you're in a dark place and don't want to kick when you're down. I also get where you're coming from, my SD 15 is also very relaxed about hygiene and we really have to force her to wash and brush her teeth. We forget quite a lot and suddenly realise, no-one has ordered her to take a shower for 4 days and that's what that awful smell is.

However, your posts are full of "he won't" do this or that. He's a child. You're not just his parents. You've taken responsibility for his education, so you are his only authority figures. You HAVE to take charge. If you tell him to take a shower, he needs to take a shower. If you're telling him he's going to the GP, he goes to the GP. You're the parent, and the teacher, and everything else. He's lost control and he needs someone to take the reins right now.

He doesn’t have symptoms of depression
he clearly does; unwashed, isolated.
Imposing sanctions is harsh and you don't sound as in touch as you claim to be.
Homeschooling has clearly further isolated him.

How about a fitness thing that he can do solo but gets him out the house? Could he run with you or DH or could you join him up to a cheap local gym.
My DS is 17 and although he is a real homebody when not at school he joined the local gym and goes most days. Gets him out the door getting fresh air and gives him a hobby. Or if not the gym judo or something maybe to give him a bit of body confidence and some work out endorphins to cheer him up.
It’s really hard when they don’t leave the house much, however many online friends they have. Feeling for you ❤️.

No advice OP but WTF!!! A child in school sexually assaulting other children and no action is taken?! Chances are the perpetrator is a victim themselves and then multiple other children are affected.

Absolutely disgraceful by the school, governors and other agencies involved.

Hi. I see you have lots of replies. You seem to be dismissing neurodiversity on the basis of no difficulties with communication in the early years and some other very stereotypical symptoms. The refusal to leave the house, or doing anything he doesn't want to, the poor personal care and hygiene, and the American accent are all traits associated with neurodivergence.

You say "what can I do/he will refuse" etc. You are his parent and it is your duty to teach him how to care for himself, to give him the skills to interact in society ... especially since You have removed him from school. What would you do if he needed medical care? Let him deteriorate at home because he doesn't want to see the Doctor? From your posts it is clear that you need some professional help, either as a family or individually for him to enable him to reach his potential. Start by contacting your GP to see what services are available in your area. Maybe someone could come to your home. But please .... uiu say this is the first time you have reached out. That was brave, and shows you know you need to make changes. Start tomorrow by phoning your GP for advice.

No advice, but sending good wishes + support, hopefully you will get the help needed for your family💐

I’m encouraged that he is willing to look at college brochures. That’s excellent. I suspect if he goes to college, some of these things will sort themselves out, particularly the hygiene. So, he is a singer (as you are). Wonderful!! Choir (preferable because social), private singing lessons if not (builds confidence and ability to give presentations and self-presentation skills). You may have tried this, but the love of music has a strong pull.

I have a fiercely intelligent high functioning autistic friend, and the sensory stuff is definitely a thing. He doesn’t like mint toothpaste, so uses a fennel one and a soft toothbrush. He won’t eat raw tomatoes because the seeds bother him…there are workarounds.

One place to start learning about autism is the work of Chris and Uta Frith, who pioneered a lot of the research in the area. I wish all the best for you and for your son.

I HRTWT so apologies if it has already been mentioned but could it be a Sensory Processing issue. Sensory Processing Disorder it not yet an officially recognised diagnosis but worth looking up if you haven’t already. It does not always occur with Autism. There are several sensory checklists out there you could use to see if any of it sounds familiar and then you could request assessment…?

Ok..you sound like loving caring parents. He is 16. Time to try to treat him like a young adult, I would suggest.With my son I tried to treat him as though he was a friend as in not making comments that I wouldn’t make to a friend ( not over sharing because a 16 year old doesn’t need parent aged friends)It’s really hard. If he looks messy..don’t say anything.if his hair is messy..don’t say anything. Your comment about he wouldn’t let us weigh him suggests you might not be treating him as a sixteen year old. Even now my son is older i have to stop myself commenting when he visits if, for example, his shirt is not ironed. From your original post you sound very intelligent but perhaps your family is too nuclear. So keep up the loving, be there for him but try not to judge him. Hopefully you will be back with a post later saying he is at college and has a girlfriend or boyfriend.Good luck,

Absolutely! The fallout of sexual assault lasts a lifetime. Even if there’s no real threat of it happening (as he’s at home all the time), his brain is forever hardwired to prepare and protect against it.

Also, children who have been sexually assaulted are also prone to become repeat victims, so I’d pay close attention to who he is speaking with online. The risk doubles if the child is neurodivergent

OP - I'll add here that I was sexually assaulted when I was 7. The related depression and anxiety didn't hit me until I was a teenager and had a better understanding of what had happened to me.

I mean this completely non judmemtally x

You need to get an ehcp for your child hun, he needs serious intervention - I'd be contacting the social services as well as his behaviour and detachment from the world is concerning

xx

Yes, it can affect children for years afterwards.

It actually is though

https://adc.bmj.com/content/98/Suppl1/A36.1

https://autismandoughtisms.wordpress.com/2016/09/16/american-accents-arent-disneys-fault/

www.theautismservice.co.uk/news/does-my-child-show-symptoms-of-autism/

Also @LoveAlways1, you’ve taken the first step by reaching out. I know tensions are running high, as are emotions, and you will get people who have no clue what it’s like dealing with these issues butting in. Unfortunately the “classic” methods of “do it now or else” does not work with children like this - all it does is make them retreat further, and that’s the last thing you need when the control of the situation is already tenuous.

I do think it’s time for you to take the next step, which is a GP visit to the house. They’ll refer to a psychologist at the very least, which could open more doors. There’s no way a “normal” child would behave this way, so whether it’s tied to the sexual assaults in school or autism, you’ll be on the right path to figure it out.

My brother grew up in a time where autism was still looked at as either not a real thing or was unknown about entirely. His principals in school told my parents he needed to toughen up when he was mercilessly bullied just for being different. Doctors said he was “just sensitive”. He was your son’s age before someone actually said “you know he’s autistic right?” to my poor parents, who like you and your DP, were utterly lost. By that point, he was almost finished school and suffering deep depression from bullying.

He always, always says he wishes he had the supports available nowadays, and he would 100% plead for you to use these supports for your son as best as you can. Your son won’t like it, at least not at first, but it’s necessary he gets support that’s professional & trained.

You haven’t failed. You won’t have failed if you involve professionals. You’re doing the best with what you can, what you know, and now that you’ve exhausted all you know, the right thing for you all is to find someone who knows the next step.

Just because your brother did it doesn't mean it's a sign of autism. It's also a sign of poor social skills and not realising what is and isn't socially acceptable.

OP does he watch a lot of YouTube etc where they speak American?

I know a child who does it and he is constantly glued to YouTube. He's also not told to stop by his mum so therefore carries on. He's not autistic. OP you said you don't think there's anything wrong with it? It's a strange thing to do so isn't going to help him socially..

I had one pupil who had been the victim of SA. Refused to wash. Deliberately wanted to smell. Contracted head lice and refused to be treated for them.

This does seem to be a similar case. I'm so sorry OP. You need medical intervention for your son.

Thank you. Yes, I see this now.

I'm so sorry for you and him. All I can say is he may be ND or depressed and to seek help from a doctor. If he's motivated by getting a partner, that might help him up the self care? I hope things improve. X

100%. It’s time for outside intervention. OP is worried her son will say no, but he is a child, and she is the adult. It’s time to be proactive. There’s no shame in it either, needing outside professional help. It’ll do him the world of good.

Oh Lord. I've just seen this. Yes. I agree one hundred per cent. The refusal to wash is very common with children in this position.

I think that the OP needs to arrange for the GP to visit her son at home.