Page 8 | Reaching out 🥲

LoveAlways1 · 2024-10-28T18:46:20+00:00

Hi fellow mums. This is hard to type. I don’t usually reach out, I have spent my life so far supporting myself and others. I’m usually the one people reach out to. However, I’m going to give this a go, so please be kind. I have a 16 year old son. We are a small family, just me, his dad and I. We don’t have any family around to help and, despite him having many Godparents, none of them have made any effort at all to be in his life. He is a clever, talented boy, and isn’t depressed. However, he only brushes his teeth occasionally (about once a week), rarely washes and refuses to cut his hair. It’s very long. I wouldn’t mind this if he looked after it. But he doesn’t. We (all three of us) have always had a loving, harmonious, supportive relationship, in a peaceful environment (i.e. no trauma, arguments etc). We love him and care about him very much and we have talked with him about the importance of looking after himself (what will happen if he doesn’t, what will happen if he does etc) many many times but to no avail. We have tried everything (taking away privileges, rewards etc). Nothing is working. His teeth are yellow, his hair is dirty and usually unbrushed, he will probably start smelling soon (he has a bag full of everything I could think of that he might need - electric razor, electric toothbrush, vitamins, face cleanser, shower gel, flannel, sponge comb, brush etc). And we always keep communication open. We are there for him always. He rarely goes outside and I’m certain he is going to be deficient in vitamin D and other vitamins and nutrients as he doesn’t eat fruits or vegetables. He won’t let us weigh him either. “No” is his favourite word. When I talk with my partner (his dad) about it he says he has tried talking to him many times but isn’t going to worry about it now as it’s his choice. I get that, but try as I might, I just can’t stop worrying about it! we have one main job - to keep him healthy. I feel like we are failing and I just don’t know what to do. Please can anyone offer some advice that they have found to have worked? Thank you x

Firstgenfunc · 28/10/2024 21:45

@SnoopysHoose i have heard many people describe themselves as Celtic… I have Scottish and Irish people in my family, we and friends use that word, it’s often used when you’re finding common ground between Scottish and Irish people

Firstgenfunc · 28/10/2024 21:42

Hello really sorry im repeating what others have said, but to me it reminds me of issues I have with my autistic dd who has PDA.
even if your son doesn’t get assessed for any of that, it doesn’t matter in that you can still take advice on how to deal with kids who have PDA and apply that to your son.
The normal parenting methods just don’t work, they make it worse, which is why I thought of this for you. It’s frustrating because everyone says you just need to remove their privileges etc, but those approaches just don’t work with kids with PDA, they backfire and make things even worse (as you’ve described being the case with him).
There’s approaches you use with PDA that could really help you , there’s also online courses you can do to help that really explain the dynamics at play and how to deal with it. We have found with our dd we need to take a more collaborative approach and accept that demands and that lack of control spark off a lot of stress in her and it works out badly for everyone.
also well done for removing your son from the school where he was being bullied, bullying does affect people so much and I’m so sorry the school was so rubbish at handling it. Did you report the school to Ofsted? I feel like the situation needs to be escalated given your son was basically abused :(
all the best to you and your family

EarthSight · 28/10/2024 21:41

LoveAlways1 · 28/10/2024 19:35

Thank you for your empathy, it is appreciated.

He is actually really in tune with his emotions and communicates well with us (which I know isn’t enough, but he is capable and able to express himself well). He is also brilliant on the phone! he does choose to talk in an American accent on the phone though. Not sure why but I don’t think that’s a problem…?

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That's really strange if you're not American. It suggests he's spent far, far too much online and not enough socialisation is going on. It should be a matter of pride for him to improve his hygiene, so I assume he has zero interest in either girl or boys.

I think you need expert advice at this stage. Wishing you well OP.

Original poster

LoveAlways1 · 28/10/2024 21:39

SnoopysHoose · 28/10/2024 21:37

I could have guessed you were Celtic! I’m Scottish (dad is Scottish)
eh? nobody calls themselves Celtic, do you mean your dad was Scottish and you say you're Scottish or were you born here?
Sounds like you like to be seen as different/cool.

🤣 okey dokey! thanks for the giggle

OP posts:

Itsnotallaboutyoulikeyouthink · 28/10/2024 21:39

He has absolutely no motivation to wash as he’s been taken to homeschool and is just communicating with online friends. Honestly in the days I work from home I am not as kept as I would be if I was in the office. You need to drag him out first and foremost, he will soon get his act together when he receives looks from people- and he will but sometimes that’s what it takes.

SnoopysHoose · 28/10/2024 21:37

I could have guessed you were Celtic! I’m Scottish (dad is Scottish)
eh? nobody calls themselves Celtic, do you mean your dad was Scottish and you say you're Scottish or were you born here?
Sounds like you like to be seen as different/cool.

Plastictrees · 28/10/2024 21:36

MrsSunshine2b · 28/10/2024 21:26

But how is putting on a fake accent "being true to yourself"?

You acknowledge that your son is not behaving as a "normal" 16 yo, in terms of self-care, socialisation etc., PPs have put together some of things you've said and said it sounds very much like an autistic profile, or alternatively a profile of someone dealing with trauma from sexual assault.

You've come here because some of those abnormal behaviours are harmful and you're worried about him, but now you're saying you're happy for him to do whatever he wants as he doesn't have to be normal?

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I agree with this. The OP comes across passive aggressive and defensive at times, and the majority of posters are trying to be helpful. It is understandably a sensitive topic with no clear answer.

There can be an overlap with autism and trauma responses. A mental health assessment and support could be helpful, and can be carried out at home or online. It sounds like both the OP and her son need additional support to begin addressing the hygiene issues.

UsernameNameUser · 28/10/2024 21:36

Popcorn23 · 28/10/2024 21:35

My mum took me abroad for a few weeks when I was 16 after I isolated myself by watching TV constantly and refusing to go anywhere (even though I had good friends). I didn't want to go and she forced me (thankfully).

It made a massive difference. Took me out of myself and I came back interested in the world around me and a lot more sociable.

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What a wonderful mum you have ❤️❤️❤️

Popcorn23 · 28/10/2024 21:35

TwinklyAmberOrca · 28/10/2024 19:21

A very tough situation. He sounds depressed.

Would he consider a change of scenery for a week or a few days? Do the three of you do much together outside the house?

My brother was very aggressive around the same age and didn't wash etc... my parents took him away walking for a few days which was painful at first but he slowly changed. They just wanted to take him somewhere where he couldn't just run away when they wanted to talk and say they were worried. He didn't speak much on the trip but did take lots of board and things improved a lot!

I'd be seeking input from an IT expect so you can monitor his online use as he is potentially a target for online grooming!

My mum took me abroad for a few weeks when I was 16 after I isolated myself by watching TV constantly and refusing to go anywhere (even though I had good friends). I didn't want to go and she forced me (thankfully).

It made a massive difference. Took me out of myself and I came back interested in the world around me and a lot more sociable.

Justalittlenaughty · 28/10/2024 21:35

Sounds like you've taken 'no' for an answer for far to long and now have no control over him. My preteens don't get a choice!

Original poster

LoveAlways1 · 28/10/2024 21:33

UsernameNameUser · 28/10/2024 21:30

I read it as OP is happy to have her son speak in an American accent if he wants because it’s not harming him, whereas OP is not happy to have him not wash himself/look after his physical health, because doing so DOES harm him. I didn’t read it as OP is happy to leave her son rot because of ✨✨✨ individuality ✨✨✨

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Yes. Exactly @UsernameNameUser Thank you ☺️

OP posts:

Yellowtrouser · 28/10/2024 21:32

I have a 14yo who does shower clean teeth etc on a school or day or if he going somewhere in particular at weekend/holiday. If there is nothong special on he doesnt see the need unless he is told too.

You said he enjoys holidays? Does he look after his personal hygene then

I imagine teeth is a big comcern (greasy long hair can be cut at late). You have likely already tried but floride tablet help to give him a scare?

Original poster

LoveAlways1 · 28/10/2024 21:32

UsernameNameUser · 28/10/2024 21:20

It’s absolutely not strange. A potential sign of mild autism? Yes (as can be seen from the multiple studies conducted on the link) but also a very interesting talent to have! I’m awful at accents for one, so I think it’s impressive to be able to completely change your tone. My brother is a master at the American accent while the rest of us have thick Irish accents 😂 He definitely sounds more clearer than we do most of the time 😂😂

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It really is a talent! it’s flawless! I’d never ever tell him to stop. He’s expressing himself and there’s nothing wrong with that in my book.

I could have guessed you were Celtic! I’m Scottish (dad is Scottish). Nice to make your acquaintance x

OP posts:

RoaryLion1 · 28/10/2024 21:31

‘It’s a shame when people feel they must conform to what is considered ‘normal’ by the majority of people just to be accepted socially. And expecting children to do the same instead of encouraging them to be true to themselves is just a bit sad really.’

Sorry OP but it really is not socially acceptable to talk in a different accent, any more than it is not to brush your teeth or wash, and you’re doing your son no favours if you don’t encourage him to adopt behaviours that are acceptable.

UsernameNameUser · 28/10/2024 21:30

MrsSunshine2b · 28/10/2024 21:26

But how is putting on a fake accent "being true to yourself"?

You acknowledge that your son is not behaving as a "normal" 16 yo, in terms of self-care, socialisation etc., PPs have put together some of things you've said and said it sounds very much like an autistic profile, or alternatively a profile of someone dealing with trauma from sexual assault.

You've come here because some of those abnormal behaviours are harmful and you're worried about him, but now you're saying you're happy for him to do whatever he wants as he doesn't have to be normal?

Show quote history

I read it as OP is happy to have her son speak in an American accent if he wants because it’s not harming him, whereas OP is not happy to have him not wash himself/look after his physical health, because doing so DOES harm him. I didn’t read it as OP is happy to leave her son rot because of ✨✨✨ individuality ✨✨✨

Gnomy · 28/10/2024 21:29

From the little I know about ND, people don’t present in a ‘textbook’ online description way. There may be multiple diagnosis at once - or none at all. He may not display some as at home all the time so fewer triggers. I’m saying researching alone is unlikely to give you an answer and you need to engage with a professional EdPsych etc. Maybe also someone he can discuss the assault with.

What about a careers advisor at a college too, and open days to get excited or explore something that piques his interest for college.

Glitterbomb123 · 28/10/2024 21:29

LoveAlways1 · 28/10/2024 21:17

@UsernameNameUser I believe that talking in an accent different to his own absolutely would have contributed to your brothers positive assessment of Autism. Things are rarely black and white are they? everyone is an individual and should be assessed that way.

Note to Glitterbomb123 ~

I don’t believe talking in a different accent is ‘abnormal’ at all. Especially when a child does it. I definitely don’t believe it’s socially unacceptable.
What I do believe is socially unacceptable is a grown adult saying a child is abnormal and/or strange by changing their accent. Or saying that a child’s behaviour is strange for anything come to that.

It’s a shame when people feel they must conform to what is considered ‘normal’ by the majority of people just to be accepted socially. And expecting children to do the same instead of encouraging them to be true to themselves is just a bit sad really.

I may not be the best parent in the world, but I would never, ever, say or do anything to make a fellow mum feel that their child is strange and that they’ll have problems socially if they don’t act a certain way.

But hey, if it works for you and yours then you do you and let other mums raise their children to be ‘strange’ and wonderful because do you know what? All the best people are!

(mic dropped…struts off stage 🤣)

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Ok but you're asking advice on how to help your son who is massively struggling socially..?

I didn't say he was strange, I said it was a strange thing to do. All children do strange and weird things, but as parents we are allowed to tell them and teach the the correct and appropriate way to behave. And that includes how we speak to people.

If you randomly started talking to someone at work and they were Welsh and you asked if they were Welsh and they said.. no I just like talking like this, you wouldn't find that odd? I understand he's a child (or young adult almost) but surely as his mum that's where you correct him?

let other mums raise their children to be ‘strange’ and wonderful because do you know what? All the best people are! Ok, carry on encouraging him to be his true self (not showering or cleaning his teeth and talking with a different accent)

MrsSunshine2b · 28/10/2024 21:26

LoveAlways1 · 28/10/2024 21:17

@UsernameNameUser I believe that talking in an accent different to his own absolutely would have contributed to your brothers positive assessment of Autism. Things are rarely black and white are they? everyone is an individual and should be assessed that way.

Note to Glitterbomb123 ~

I don’t believe talking in a different accent is ‘abnormal’ at all. Especially when a child does it. I definitely don’t believe it’s socially unacceptable.
What I do believe is socially unacceptable is a grown adult saying a child is abnormal and/or strange by changing their accent. Or saying that a child’s behaviour is strange for anything come to that.

It’s a shame when people feel they must conform to what is considered ‘normal’ by the majority of people just to be accepted socially. And expecting children to do the same instead of encouraging them to be true to themselves is just a bit sad really.

I may not be the best parent in the world, but I would never, ever, say or do anything to make a fellow mum feel that their child is strange and that they’ll have problems socially if they don’t act a certain way.

But hey, if it works for you and yours then you do you and let other mums raise their children to be ‘strange’ and wonderful because do you know what? All the best people are!

(mic dropped…struts off stage 🤣)

Show quote history

But how is putting on a fake accent "being true to yourself"?

You acknowledge that your son is not behaving as a "normal" 16 yo, in terms of self-care, socialisation etc., PPs have put together some of things you've said and said it sounds very much like an autistic profile, or alternatively a profile of someone dealing with trauma from sexual assault.

You've come here because some of those abnormal behaviours are harmful and you're worried about him, but now you're saying you're happy for him to do whatever he wants as he doesn't have to be normal?

UsernameNameUser · 28/10/2024 21:24

Hypermedi · 28/10/2024 21:22

How odd you've just glossed over your sons sexual assault, have never sought him any professional help and are now making 'mic drop' jokes. If you are a real poster I really despair for this poor boy which such passive parents.

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OP has not glossed over his sexual assault. OP has replied to many threads about it, seeking further advice on it. The mic drop comment was to someone calling her child strange. I don’t imagine anyone would like hearing their child, who has already been bullied, be bullied further by some rando on the internet

Maybe her reply was a bit rude, but it’s not like every reply on here has been nice & cozy, filled with fuzzy feelings. This is her son, she’s reached the end of her tether, and there’s always a bit of hysteria to desperation

SnoopysHoose · 28/10/2024 21:24

But hey, if it works for you and yours then you do you and let other mums raise their children to be ‘strange’ and wonderful because do you know what? All the best people are! mic dropped…struts off stage

This way of speaking to people is just rude not quirky or funny.
To add; he refuses to let us weigh him
he's 16, not a toddler.
You came here for advice and seem determined that he's not depressed cannot possibly be ND, don't know what you want from
this

Hypermedi · 28/10/2024 21:22

LoveAlways1 · 28/10/2024 21:17

@UsernameNameUser I believe that talking in an accent different to his own absolutely would have contributed to your brothers positive assessment of Autism. Things are rarely black and white are they? everyone is an individual and should be assessed that way.

Note to Glitterbomb123 ~

I don’t believe talking in a different accent is ‘abnormal’ at all. Especially when a child does it. I definitely don’t believe it’s socially unacceptable.
What I do believe is socially unacceptable is a grown adult saying a child is abnormal and/or strange by changing their accent. Or saying that a child’s behaviour is strange for anything come to that.

It’s a shame when people feel they must conform to what is considered ‘normal’ by the majority of people just to be accepted socially. And expecting children to do the same instead of encouraging them to be true to themselves is just a bit sad really.

I may not be the best parent in the world, but I would never, ever, say or do anything to make a fellow mum feel that their child is strange and that they’ll have problems socially if they don’t act a certain way.

But hey, if it works for you and yours then you do you and let other mums raise their children to be ‘strange’ and wonderful because do you know what? All the best people are!

(mic dropped…struts off stage 🤣)

Show quote history

How odd you've just glossed over your sons sexual assault, have never sought him any professional help and are now making 'mic drop' jokes. If you are a real poster I really despair for this poor boy which such passive parents.

Original poster

LoveAlways1 · 28/10/2024 21:20

Grmumpy · 28/10/2024 21:07

Ok..you sound like loving caring parents. He is 16. Time to try to treat him like a young adult, I would suggest.With my son I tried to treat him as though he was a friend as in not making comments that I wouldn’t make to a friend ( not over sharing because a 16 year old doesn’t need parent aged friends)It’s really hard. If he looks messy..don’t say anything.if his hair is messy..don’t say anything. Your comment about he wouldn’t let us weigh him suggests you might not be treating him as a sixteen year old. Even now my son is older i have to stop myself commenting when he visits if, for example, his shirt is not ironed. From your original post you sound very intelligent but perhaps your family is too nuclear. So keep up the loving, be there for him but try not to judge him. Hopefully you will be back with a post later saying he is at college and has a girlfriend or boyfriend.Good luck,

Thank you, that makes sense. It is possible that I haven’t crossed over enough. Perhaps in my mind he’s still a younger child when in fact he is a young adult really.

OP posts:

UsernameNameUser · 28/10/2024 21:20

LoveAlways1 · 28/10/2024 21:17

@UsernameNameUser I believe that talking in an accent different to his own absolutely would have contributed to your brothers positive assessment of Autism. Things are rarely black and white are they? everyone is an individual and should be assessed that way.

Note to Glitterbomb123 ~

I don’t believe talking in a different accent is ‘abnormal’ at all. Especially when a child does it. I definitely don’t believe it’s socially unacceptable.
What I do believe is socially unacceptable is a grown adult saying a child is abnormal and/or strange by changing their accent. Or saying that a child’s behaviour is strange for anything come to that.

It’s a shame when people feel they must conform to what is considered ‘normal’ by the majority of people just to be accepted socially. And expecting children to do the same instead of encouraging them to be true to themselves is just a bit sad really.

I may not be the best parent in the world, but I would never, ever, say or do anything to make a fellow mum feel that their child is strange and that they’ll have problems socially if they don’t act a certain way.

But hey, if it works for you and yours then you do you and let other mums raise their children to be ‘strange’ and wonderful because do you know what? All the best people are!

(mic dropped…struts off stage 🤣)

Show quote history

It’s absolutely not strange. A potential sign of mild autism? Yes (as can be seen from the multiple studies conducted on the link) but also a very interesting talent to have! I’m awful at accents for one, so I think it’s impressive to be able to completely change your tone. My brother is a master at the American accent while the rest of us have thick Irish accents 😂 He definitely sounds more clearer than we do most of the time 😂😂

Jennifer Lopez Applause GIF by NBC World Of Dance

MrsSunshine2b · 28/10/2024 21:18

Grmumpy · 28/10/2024 21:07

Ok..you sound like loving caring parents. He is 16. Time to try to treat him like a young adult, I would suggest.With my son I tried to treat him as though he was a friend as in not making comments that I wouldn’t make to a friend ( not over sharing because a 16 year old doesn’t need parent aged friends)It’s really hard. If he looks messy..don’t say anything.if his hair is messy..don’t say anything. Your comment about he wouldn’t let us weigh him suggests you might not be treating him as a sixteen year old. Even now my son is older i have to stop myself commenting when he visits if, for example, his shirt is not ironed. From your original post you sound very intelligent but perhaps your family is too nuclear. So keep up the loving, be there for him but try not to judge him. Hopefully you will be back with a post later saying he is at college and has a girlfriend or boyfriend.Good luck,

If my friend stunk I would tell them.

Original poster

LoveAlways1 · 28/10/2024 21:17

Glitterbomb123 · 28/10/2024 20:59

Just because your brother did it doesn't mean it's a sign of autism. It's also a sign of poor social skills and not realising what is and isn't socially acceptable.

OP does he watch a lot of YouTube etc where they speak American?

I know a child who does it and he is constantly glued to YouTube. He's also not told to stop by his mum so therefore carries on. He's not autistic. OP you said you don't think there's anything wrong with it? It's a strange thing to do so isn't going to help him socially..

Show quote history

@UsernameNameUser I believe that talking in an accent different to his own absolutely would have contributed to your brothers positive assessment of Autism. Things are rarely black and white are they? everyone is an individual and should be assessed that way.

Note to Glitterbomb123 ~

I don’t believe talking in a different accent is ‘abnormal’ at all. Especially when a child does it. I definitely don’t believe it’s socially unacceptable.
What I do believe is socially unacceptable is a grown adult saying a child is abnormal and/or strange by changing their accent. Or saying that a child’s behaviour is strange for anything come to that.

It’s a shame when people feel they must conform to what is considered ‘normal’ by the majority of people just to be accepted socially. And expecting children to do the same instead of encouraging them to be true to themselves is just a bit sad really.

I may not be the best parent in the world, but I would never, ever, say or do anything to make a fellow mum feel that their child is strange and that they’ll have problems socially if they don’t act a certain way.

But hey, if it works for you and yours then you do you and let other mums raise their children to be ‘strange’ and wonderful because do you know what? All the best people are!

(mic dropped…struts off stage 🤣)

OP posts: