Reaching out 🥲

All the armchair diagnosing of autism on here and most people seem to be ignoring that this young person was very badly bullied and has been sexually assaulted at school.

I am autistic and a mental health professional and I'm the first to challenge people who dismiss neurodivergence and say it's all trauma. Gabor Mate can absolutely get tae fuck. But this young man has been through 2 years of trauma and that is relevant to the behaviours he is now displaying. Especially as OP can't identify any autistic traits in childhood before the bullying and SA.

Yes, autism is a possibility, as there are some behaviours that can be associated with autistic distress and sensory aversions, but it is not the only possibility here. Autism is not just "poor social skills" or poor hygiene, or being "scruffy and odd" (FFS, these stereotypes!) and speaking in an American accent does not equal autism either. I would therefore stress the importance of a proper assessment by a qualified professional in order to understand the issues and access appropriate support.

Of course, if he is autistic, that's perfectly okay. But the correct diagnosis matters, and it is just as harmful to be incorrectly diagnosed as it is to go your whole life not knowing why things are more difficult for you than everyone else.

Hi OP, unless you know the signs of autism you can easily miss lots of them. Most people know the stereotypical things but it varies a lot from person to person and there are a lot of subtle signs that you may not pick up on as being traits of autism. Many autistic people are very empathic, many are sociable, enjoy hugs etc. So it’s not as straightforward as you might think.

My DS has asd and getting him to wash is problematic too. Dropped out of school, lives life online etc. It is something worth considering definitely. It also runs in families.

The usual type of parenting (taking away tech etc) often doesn’t work for neurodiverse (ND) children or teens. That’s normal. It’s a whole other parenting ballgame really. People who are parenting children who are neurotypical (NT) often give the parents of ND kids the wrong advice on these sorts of threads, because they are not familiar enough with autism etc. You learn to ignore a lot of well-meaning but irrelevant and sometimes unhelpful advice (or censure!).

As I said, it’s something worth considering at least.

@LoveAlways1 thank you for your reply.

I'm glad he is able to go to the GP for blocked ear - did your DS wash himself before going? Was this particular GP aware of his various refusals? So sorry they haven't been able to help you, but it seems like he is happy at home.

How about going on holiday and have a complete change of scenery? Where you'd make yourselves go out for meals and you would all have a shower before you go out? Or how about arranging to visit your close friends or family for a day? Someone who he might feel comfortable with (and be willing to look nice for)?

Sadly you and your partner may not be around for him forever.

I watched a documentary about "hikikomoris" in Japan - young people who isolate themselves from society for extended periods, rarely leaving homes or interacting with others outside immediate family, and apparently it is extremely common there.

I am not saying your DS is the same, but you might find it interesting if you look it up.

Because the point I'm trying to make is, if we never corrected children or told or taught them what is or isn't acceptable, and they aren't around other children or teachers to tell and show them as well, how do children know what's right?

He has poor social skills because he isn't around other children or teenagers and his mum is allowing him to talk in an accent that he doesn't actually have.

You can't just say oh he probably has autism because he has poor hygiene and poor social skills, when there are very clear reasons why he has those poor skills. He has poor hygiene because he doesn't ever leave the house, because he has no reason to and probably has low self esteem due to having no friends. And he has poor social skills because of the same reasons, plus he's allowed to communicate in a strange way.

The OP has said numerous times she doesn't believe her son is autistic. Obviously she can't diagnose herself but neither can anyone in the internet just from reading a few posts.

I just wanted to second this! @ohdaisydaisy you are spot on. Autism is a huge spectrum and can present so differently in every individual.

@LoveAlways1 Please do more research on ASD and look at PDA. You sound like a brilliant mum. Well done for reaching out. xx

Hi OP. I've read maybe a third of the thread so sorry if I've missed anything. My male colleague, during the lockdown, developed a fungal infection because he went from showering every day to showering once or twice a week! But anyway, your son certainly isn't a lost cause, and - like you say, he isn't depressed. He isn't lying in bed all day or unresponsive; he's doing things and interested in things, even if at the moment this is only taking place in the online world. It's great that he is singing and laughing every day - this bodes well for whatever comes next. And it sounds like he's done well at school. I knew a few people, my brother included, who were somewhat scruffy, odd, and had no social skills at 16. These went to the sixth form, where they formed friendships with similar people and moved their life forward. I also see certain small 'gangs' from college who are scruffy, with long hair etc. I'm sure he'll find some friends. From what I've heard from my brother who works in IT, I would also jokingly but hesitatingly say that he sounds like he'd fit right in with IT workers! Obviously the key is either college or work in person, regularly leaving the house. This would also hopefully cut down on the time he spends online, if this is a problem. It's also a positive that he's great on the phone. This means he can converse with people, in college or in work. In my 'year out' at university, aged 21, I was terribly shy on the phone - I would avoid answering it. Does he have plans what to do next? Is he bored at home? It's a pity he can't be made to realise that it's not healthy to never go out and live his life online, if that's what he's doing. If he could be made to project forward and visualise things if the status quo is maintained. Anyway, it's great that he's willing to look through college brochures. Encourage him to do so by himself as well. I think there's potential for change once he starts getting out into the world. If you think he is seriously willing to go out to college, I perhaps wouldn't worry too much about having him assessed for ADHD and autism if you think that might hinder things. I don't know enough about these things to advise. He did well at school, which some children with ADHD struggle with. Or maybe he's your typical autistic mad professor. Having said that, I've heard that the waiting times for these assessments can be a couple of years, or even on hold, depending where you live, so maybe just getting in the queue might be an option. And maybe something, being so far in the future, that he'll agree to with less resistance. Anyway, I think this can be a key turning point in his life. Good luck.

Would he like doing something like volunteering at a cats protection or rspca? At least get him out of the house and he may then be ‘forced’ into the hygiene as he’ll be seeing people/need a shower after being in with the cats?

Just because your brother did it doesn't mean it's a sign of autism. It's also a sign of poor social skills and not realising what is and isn't socially acceptable.

A sign of poor social skills and not recognising what’s acceptable is (typically) autism though. Bit odd to say it doesn’t mean ASD then go on to say it could be something that describes autism to a tee.

As for the American accent, as other have pointed out it is something children with autism can pick up. It’s part of echolalia, and gestational language processing can be speaking in phrases rather than typical/natural communication methods. Does he often quote from tv shows or similar that he enjoys as a means to communicate feelings rather than outwardly say what’s on his mind @LoveAlways1 ?

You say your nephew has been diagnosed with autism, is that on your side or his dad’s? Is it possible that autism is hereditary in your family?

I’d like to second previous poster’s suggestions about animals helping him find ways to connect to other living beings in person (not just online/on the phone); the sensory connection of physical touch, care and responsibility for an animal is very powerful.

If you can somehow engineer for him to help at an animal shelter, rescue or small farm for example?

It sounds like he is spending a lot of time indoors, not moving as much as a growing young person needs to - spending time with animals outside brings all of these benefits, without them being the main goal.

It might take a while to find places, and also possibly several attempts to get him to go, but my goodness it will be worth it.

another thought is if a neighbour has a dog that “needs walking” - could you appeal to his caring side, to take the dog out for the dog’s sake. Perhaps the neighbour could be ‘in’ on this ruse.

Anyway, there are lots of different ways to do this, but I hope my post sparks an idea or two.

You sound like a wonderful caring parent and I wish you all the best x

Hi OP you sound like a lovely mum. I just wanted to add that contrary to a PP comment that college would be too much, I disagree. I am aware of lots children who were homeschooled due to anxiety/neurodiversity/ range of issues and the right college course was the making of them.
Not saying it will be easy or a definite goer but it’s so great he is showing an interest in this with you. Would keep exploring this.
I agree with others to find professional help for yourself to discuss your concerns with; and find someone who actually listens and doesn’t patronise the way some posters here have (ie assuming you’ve never attempted the authoritarian approach).

I will add that despite having worked in SEND for years and having family members with ASD, I was shocked when school suggested it to me re my daughter. I suspected some neurodiversity but she does not fit the profile at all I believed.
Having read more about different presentations I will apply for an assessment (though it may take years/not provide a diagnosis).

I only add this because the trait she shares with your son is sensory issues (clothes in our case) and the fact authoritarian approaches backfire so spectacularly. Although your son may well be neurotypical, a lot of the parenting strategies for ND young people can be helpful and I try these a lot. Nothing is one size fits all but you might find a few things that do work re supporting healthier choices etc.

There are Facebook groups such as “not fine at school” /“school refusal” which have families dealing with very similar situations re children withdrawing. I know in your son’s case it wasn’t “refusal” to attend school, but just thinking of overlaps with your son as there’s lots of good advice there from families who have YP at home not socialising typically.
it can feel the loneliest thing in the world when you’re worried about your child and can’t see a way forward but there will be many others who understand! Good luck to you all. X

And yes, I fully agree with get him to college.

If you don't break this cycle now you won't and he'll be unable to live a normal life.

Your husband's lack of concern about it is worrying. This is serious and needs addressing immediately, even if 'immediately' requires a slow/staged start.

I'd focus on teeth and getting him out of the house for now.

I suspect there is some kind of neuro diversity. Most 11 year olds wouldn't want to be cut off from their friends so the fact he is so easily home schooled is a red flag in itself. Similarly many autistic children can speak very well with adults but not with their peers.

If he's never speaking to peers then you can't say his interaction is fine because you simply don't know.

If normal methods have failed, then why not try strategies for autism whether he has a formal diagnosis or not? There are boards here dedicated to additional needs where you will get better advice.

I would tell him what will be happening so it isn't a change he hasn't anticipated. Tomorrow you will clean your teeth at 8am. The timer will be set for one minute.

We will go for a walk at 12noon (maybe not introduced the same day though). We will walk 4,000 steps.

If he's better with things being a certain way, embrace it rather than fight it.

He needs to be outside more so than washing his hair for now.

Similarly with food, is there anything he will accept? Totally smooth soup for example (a soup maker is a good investment if so as it makes it much smoother than a hand blender) or smoothies? Or just a multivitamin.

Make a plan for the next fortnight of the small wins you want to see and focus on these.

You can't turn an oil tanker quickly. It's taken five years to get here. Start slowly and build up rather than expect everything at once.

Autism is highly heritable OP so have a think if there might be anyone else in the family affected as this would make it more likely…

The fact that your son is completely isolated, no family, no friends. Doesn’t see sunlight. He now speaks with an American accent and you think that’s a quirk?

He isn’t living a real life, you have created a completely toxic environment and his hygiene is just one way this is showing itself.

Him talking in an American accent is a reflection that he has no contact with the outside world. Mixing with the public, his peers, his community, where he would use his real accent. He is talking online to American friends, so has now adopted this to fit in.

This is batshit. This poor child is being neglected. He is literally festering before your eyes and you’re spending your time online constantly relying to posters, looking for attention.

This is a joke of a thread.

Just seen that he's home schooled. I think that's the reason for all this. Can he go back to college now?

He must have to leave home to go to school/college? Surely seeing all his mates clean and tidy would make him want to be the same? Is he interested in relationships?

I am so sorry for what you're going through.

Would you contact Gp for advice, even if you know your DS won't see them? How is his general health? Has he been to the doctors during the last 5 years?

I’m referring to the you like to be seen as different/cool. Why was that necessary??

I think the fact he isn’t at mainstream school has probably hindered the teenage awareness of hygiene we (some of us slowly!) get from not wanting to be ribbed from class mates.
If you’re certain he isn’t depressed then I think it really could be as simple as that.
If he goes out exercising m, would he want to come back for a shower? Would going for a jog help to trigger wanting to freshen up? Sorry if that’s been touched on, I think I’ve read all your messages OP.
Has he got plans for the future? Or does he seem a little stagnant at present?
I think all you can realistically do, if you’re certain there are no external influences such as mental health, is continue to nag and remind - I’m sure it’ll get better in time!