Reaching out 🥲

I relate to this too. There are quite a few people who are only being diagnosed as adults because they didn't show signs in their childhood, high-functioning autism.
The lack of hygiene, teeth brushing, not wanting to go out / socialise outside, craving only junk foods, sounds so relatable. ASD / ADHD.
I suppose it couldn't hurt to ask for a referral / assessment...?
My psychologist has recommended a book by an autistic author called Donna Williams 'Inside out of autism'.
I've recently read a library book (approx 80 pages) aimed at teens, called 'M is for Autism' a story about a teenage girl and how she sees the world around her and some parts from her mother's point of view too. I found it interesting, so lent it to my Mum to read, and she read it to my Dad too.

If you say that being strict with him makes him shy away even worse, then I think a softer approach might be better. But, you're already sitting down calmly and communicating openly with him, then I'm not sure what else to suggest, sorry.

Some people can’t, you know. There’s no ‘has to’ about it for them unfortunately.

When he turns 18, he has to. Hopefully he is informed this is his duty also, with all the trimmings that are needed to be an adult

True. I did report for being a troll because it was all so odd. But I didnt hear back from MN so I stand corrected I guess. Either way I feel for her son and I hope he can produce a life for himself one day.

She and her husband are a bit autistic perhaps, she mentioning she is a fan of researching and adamantly believes he is not autistic....I mean ...many people who don't want to have diagnosis for their children may be say this thing

OP, have you tried body doubling? Not ideal for the shower at his age but my son will only brush his teeth if I brush mine at the same time. Also with the shower, I have to turn it on for him to ensure the water has got warm and the room is a little steamy. You’ll get through this, it just takes time and thinking outside of the box!

You sound like you have a great relationship with your Son as he's open with you & shares interests with you ie singing. Have you sat him down & explained how worried you actually are about things? Let him know you love him regardless but feel he needs to start taking better care of himself as he may pay the price later on in life, health wise. You say you don't feel he's depressed & seems happy enough laughing with his online friends. Have you suggested he invites them over anytime? Could you be worrying unnecessarily because he's not doing what other teenage boys are doing? He might just be the type who prefers his own company or gets overwhelmed in groups or has no interest in what other teens are up to. As long as he's communicating with you & knows if there is something wrong he can talk to you, I think you should leave him to it & hopefully it'll be a phase & he'll grow in confidence & start going out more & socialising. I know it's easier said than done but please try not to worry too much & take care of yourself too.

The 'sending love' thing was sending me.

Definitely oddness about this whole thread! I hope the son gets the help he needs.

This must be hard as a mother to see, big hugs!

Why didn't you move him to another school? He has no motivation to 'look nice' for anyone at the moment, if he does start socialising then hopefully the rest will follow...

@LoveAlways1
Good luck OP! x

All that you describe is screaming autistic spectrum at me. My son and I are both on the spectrum and I didn't realise until I was in my fifties. We are both intelligent and articulate. We both hated school. No hygiene issues but my son had a friend who was exactly how you describe your son. My son really gelled with him but after he had been to the house we had to Febreze whatever he had sat on. He was really intelligent and nobody could understand why his self care was so poor. We are pretty certain he is autistic although I don't think he was formally diagnosed. As he got older he improved and actually has since transitioned to a female! The only thing I can suggest is perhaps telling him he smells, if he does, and that it affects other people in the house. I don't know how I would have coped with this, I am so glad my son doesn't have hygiene issues ( he's actually on the opposite side, he's OCD with hygiene) but I do have issues getting him to do anything he doesn't want to so you have my sympathy.

You hadn’t considered this? Come on. The poor kid needs his peers.

I could have written this about my nephew who is now 20, no education, no job, no desire to get one and spends all his time in his bedroom gaming. Doesn't socialise with friends and is on anti depressants.

I don't know how you do it, but you need to get a grip on this ASAP

I also wanted to echo the possibility of ND, all sounds very familiar. No amount of ‘I am the adult, you are the child’ will work and will just cause massive issues. It’s also a shame to see people with such fixed ideas on what schooling/homeschooling should look like. That said, none of that helps you to move forwards.

Absolutely read all you can on autism and also pda. It doesn’t have to mean your son is autistic, but the approach may help. No harm can come from using the parental approach on a non autistic child. Low demand parenting can help with mental health too so you cover all bases.

Keep up the happiness your son does have in every day life, continue to celebrate this with him. By all means suggest therapists etc but do it in a very gentle manner, not ‘this is what’s going to happen or else’. That might scare him and send him running for the hills, or his bedroom. Very gently have discussions about hygiene etc, but asking him if he even knows what he doesn’t like about showering, teeth cleaning etc. If it’s a non judgemental discussion he is more likely to be able to engage. He may not know, but at least he can go away and think about it. Hygiene can be a big demand. There are lots of unwritten demands and steps to what we see as simply showering and brushing teeth. Possible things that might help-a routine, a set night to do things, a certain time when no one else will use the bathroom, mild products, strong smelling products of their choice. I find it can also help to take the emotion from things, ie. ‘I am really concerned about you needing fillings’, instead of ‘please brush your teeth, I keep asking’ etc. Or possibly, completely backing off and not mentioning it might help.

It may be a phase, it may be a long term thing, but knowing you are in this together is invaluable. Good luck, you sound like you are very in tune with your son already.

This!

Often imitating American (or other) accents can be linked to neurodivergence. Im a therapist for teens and it sounds like he is either struggling with mental health/undiagnosed neurodivergence or both. Would he consider going to see a therapist if you explained it was confidential? It sounds like he needs somewhere to open up

Autism is different in different people . You won’t get a diagnosis for years so as a secondary teacher , I suggest you read up on it . This is really typical of families I have worked with . You need to reach out and get advice - also worth looking at depression with the GP . Good luck

In practice was hit and miss to start with The switching the wifi off and taking his phone was just to get him to pay attention. I probably only did a few times because you need to find substitutes activities for them to fill their time otherwise they dont know what to do with themselves.
So you need to have a plan before you switch it off. I wouldn turn it off before he woke up and invite him for a walk or other activity and if he said no I would say the wifi is off but once we are back from our walk I will turn it back in for you or similar
But the calm conversations and giving him agency to see that it was important for his own sake.
He wasn't going out everyday but he started going to the gym with his dad that's something he enjoyed and joined a group activity. Walking to eat out with us instead of taking the car was also good
I remember when I've talked to him about my concerns with his mental health he was silent but I could see something resonated with him and that he felt the I was being fair and that I was on his side.
I got him going out with us and eventually joining activities with people his own age. It wasnt easy but a lot of conversations or simply catching him off guard when he was in a good mood and get him to sign up for something. Once it was paid for he had to go.
It was hard work. And many times he would flat out say no and lock himself in his room.
He still spends more time than I'd wish at home playing games but goes to the gym with friends regularly, and goes to a group activity once a week.
Some weekends I would fake an wifi fault by unplugging the router to get him out of his room and than take him somewhere.
Weekends away are great to break the cycle too.
I tried everything I could. You probably know best what will work with your daughter. My ds is very stuborn so I had to go softly because he will dig in if he feels he is being forced to do something.
My older son loves rules and wouldn't question them at all.

Just some links relating to the above -

*To Do list RPGs
Epic Win
Epic to Do List

Both are available on iTunes and Google play store.

*Hygiene links
No rinse foam cleanser
https://athome.medline.com/en/medline-remedy-clinical-no-rinse-foam-cleanser-shop-all-pf06434

Shower cap shampoo
https://www.superdrug.com/toiletries/bathing-accessories/shower-caps/nilaqua-rinse-free-shampoo-caps/p/mp-00019438

Toothbrush silicone head
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Vicloon-Toothbrush-Silicone-Massager-Toddlers/dp/B075D7B5H1

Tooth wipes
https://www.verywellhealth.com/oral-b-brush-ups-1059148

Hygiene care wipes
https://www.ageukincontinence.co.uk/incontinence-shop/personal-care/incontinence-wipes/vivactive-large-wet-wipes-50-pack.html

Parent social media monitoring

https://www.safetydetectives.com/blog/best-parental-controls-for-teenagers/