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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Reaching out 🥲

335 replies

LoveAlways1 · 28/10/2024 18:46

Hi fellow mums.

This is hard to type. I don’t usually reach out, I have spent my life so far supporting myself and others. I’m usually the one people reach out to. However, I’m going to give this a go, so please be kind.

I have a 16 year old son. We are a small family, just me, his dad and I. We don’t have any family around to help and, despite him having many Godparents, none of them have made any effort at all to be in his life.

He is a clever, talented boy, and isn’t depressed. However, he only brushes his teeth occasionally (about once a week), rarely washes and refuses to cut his hair. It’s very long. I wouldn’t mind this if he looked after it. But he doesn’t.

We (all three of us) have always had a loving, harmonious, supportive relationship, in a peaceful environment (i.e. no trauma, arguments etc).

We love him and care about him very much and we have talked with him about the importance of looking after himself (what will happen if he doesn’t, what will happen if he does etc) many many times but to no avail.
We have tried everything (taking away privileges, rewards etc).

Nothing is working.

His teeth are yellow, his hair is dirty and usually unbrushed, he will probably start smelling soon (he has a bag full of everything I could think of that he might need - electric razor, electric toothbrush, vitamins, face cleanser, shower gel, flannel, sponge comb, brush etc). And we always keep communication open. We are there for him always.

He rarely goes outside and I’m certain he is going to be deficient in vitamin D and other vitamins and nutrients as he doesn’t eat fruits or vegetables. He won’t let us weigh him either. “No” is his favourite word.

When I talk with my partner (his dad) about it he says he has tried talking to him many times but isn’t going to worry about it now as it’s his choice. I get that, but try as I might, I just can’t stop worrying about it! we have one main job - to keep him healthy. I feel like we are failing and I just don’t know what to do.

Please can anyone offer some advice that they have found to have worked?

Thank you x

OP posts:
Original poster
LoveAlways1 · 28/10/2024 19:22

LoveAlways1 · 28/10/2024 19:21

Thank you Swanbeauty. Finally, a kind reply.

I've learnt a lot about Autism. I am a very aware person and am constantly learning. Especially when it comes to my son. My nephew is Autistic and I have known many Autistic children in my life. However, he doesn’t show signs of Autism. I’m not an expert, and after your message I am thinking how I’d like to have him assessed. But HOW when I already know he will say no?

Show quote history

…he has been homeschooled since he was 11 years old. He isn’t learning right now. Funnily enough (we were surprised) he is open to going through a college perspectus with us

OP posts:
TwinklyAmberOrca · 28/10/2024 19:21

A very tough situation. He sounds depressed.

Would he consider a change of scenery for a week or a few days? Do the three of you do much together outside the house?

My brother was very aggressive around the same age and didn't wash etc... my parents took him away walking for a few days which was painful at first but he slowly changed. They just wanted to take him somewhere where he couldn't just run away when they wanted to talk and say they were worried. He didn't speak much on the trip but did take lots of board and things improved a lot!

I'd be seeking input from an IT expect so you can monitor his online use as he is potentially a target for online grooming!

Original poster
LoveAlways1 · 28/10/2024 19:21

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at OP's request.

Thank you Swanbeauty. Finally, a kind reply.

I've learnt a lot about Autism. I am a very aware person and am constantly learning. Especially when it comes to my son. My nephew is Autistic and I have known many Autistic children in my life. However, he doesn’t show signs of Autism. I’m not an expert, and after your message I am thinking how I’d like to have him assessed. But HOW when I already know he will say no?

OP posts:
AlertCat · 28/10/2024 19:21

I wonder if there was more to the bullying than you know. I imagine you will say he’ll just refuse to discuss it?

I think if he refuses every request, you have to start enforcing what you need. If he won’t show you his online presence, remove his access to the internet. If he won’t comply with basic hygiene or behaviour relevant to health, you might need to empty the house of anything he’d eat in place of vegetables. If there’s no neurodiversity I think he has to lose access to choice because he isn’t making good choices. So no choice of food- just what you make. No access to internet/devices. He can choose the colour of his toothbrush, or between broccoli and cabbage. That sort of thing.

It isn’t being cruel, we have to support children to make choices that benefit them, and you have said a number of things that make it seem that your boy is at real risk of harm from different directions.

TSMWEL · 28/10/2024 19:18

@LoveAlways1 I have 4 children in or past that age bracket. For one, I wouldn't just remove any of them from the mainstream schooling system and if I did and they then "point blank refused" to socialise with anyone in real life and only with whatever randoms online they'd formed relationships with that I had no insight into whatsoever then they'd be going back to school.

You are aware that you're the adult in this situation, aren't you?

Ukholidaysaregreat · 28/10/2024 19:18

Hi OP. Yes! To me this is strongly saying ASD. You may want to research this. Within my family - nail cutting, tooth brushing, hair brushing, showering and water generally were all avoided. It was only when we got a diagnosis I realised all this sensory stuff goes together and is a feature of being ASD.
With my teenager I made teeth non negotiable. They must clean their teeth. You can buy less strong tasting tooth paste or blue toothpaste is usually a bit weaker than the white ones. I would take away screens/phones until the brushing happened. It can start off as 30sec or what ever your teen can cope with. Then give back the confiscated item. They need to rush their teeth or later they will have false ones. Good Luck with this. You sound like really caring parents.

Original poster
LoveAlways1 · 28/10/2024 19:18

AlertCat · 28/10/2024 19:03

Just seen your update. Why did you start homeschooling him at that point?

And I would be seriously concerned about the lack of socialisation. When you started homeschooling, did you not join the groups in your local area, ensure he had activities and so on to go to and have the human interaction that all children need? Were there problems with that?

Ok. I appreciate you taking the time to reply, but I feel I’m having to repeat myself here. A lot. I thought by reaching out I’d receive kind caring support, instead I feel like I’m being judged and a bit attacked actually. Which is a shame because as I said in my original post, I’ve never reached out before. I guess I was right not to. Thanks. I think.

OP posts:
southpawsofthenorth · 28/10/2024 19:15

I think you’re right to be concerned OP. He’s cocooned himself in his own little world. Since he’s 16 what are his plans for the future? Further education? Work? Stay in his room?

mynameiscalypso · 28/10/2024 19:15

It sounds like a really tough situation but it also sounds like homeschooling hasn't actually worked at all. He may be doing fine academically but he doesn't seem fine from an emotional/social perspective. Can you get him back into school or college for his A-levels?

Original poster
LoveAlways1 · 28/10/2024 19:14

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 28/10/2024 19:12

Without causing too much alarm I would want to persist about knowing who he is talking to online. It light not be contributing to his lack of care in himself, but it is still important to check he is talking to appropriate friends.

How do you suggest we do that?

OP posts:
Original poster
LoveAlways1 · 28/10/2024 19:13

TSMWEL · 28/10/2024 19:10

You removed him from mainstream schooling- why?

Did he have "real life" friends at that point and what did you do to ensure he kept up those friendships?

What did you do at age 12 to ensure his online friendships were being founded in appropriate places?

Have you ever tried to force a pre-teen child to manintain friendships? you can’t ‘ensure’ anything! you can’t force people to be friends with people. As I’ve said, we have tried to keep him socialised. Encouraged, made arrangements, invited people over, everything we can think of.

OP posts:
PeggyMitchellsCameo · 28/10/2024 19:12

Without causing too much alarm I would want to persist about knowing who he is talking to online. It light not be contributing to his lack of care in himself, but it is still important to check he is talking to appropriate friends.

Original poster
LoveAlways1 · 28/10/2024 19:11

AlertCat · 28/10/2024 19:07

It sounds as if he has all the power in your home. OP, can you tell us why you started to homeschool and didn’t join groups etc, and when your son began dictating what he would or wouldn’t do?

We took him out of school becuase he was miserable. He had been miserable for years. No particular reason (other than being bullied by one boy who was bullying everyone). When the boy started touching his fellow classmates in places they didn’t want to be touched and the school and police did nothing about it we decided enough was enough and we took him out.

Homeschooling has gone well. But he refused meeting up with the many groups we joined on social media platforms. Point blank refused.

OP posts:
NeedToChangeName · 28/10/2024 19:11

Why is he homeschooled? The reason could have something to do with his poor hygiene

I went through a brief lazy phase about cleanliness and personal hygiene at school. A couple of bitchy comments from other pupils put an end to it

At his age, I think you have to accept you can't force him. And, messy hair isn't a major health issue, so pick your battles
I'd be more concerned about his teeth and diet

Keep lots of healthy food in the house, lead by example but try not to nag him

Sounds tough. Good luck

TSMWEL · 28/10/2024 19:10

You removed him from mainstream schooling- why?

Did he have "real life" friends at that point and what did you do to ensure he kept up those friendships?

What did you do at age 12 to ensure his online friendships were being founded in appropriate places?

GoodGriefGordon · 28/10/2024 19:09

I meant why do you homeschool?

GoodGriefGordon · 28/10/2024 19:09

When do you homeschool?

Original poster
LoveAlways1 · 28/10/2024 19:08

cariadlet · 28/10/2024 19:02

I hope this doesn't sound harsh but he seems very isolated. Could he be depressed?

Did he have any friends at his old school that you could help him reconnect with?

Lots of people who homeschool meet up with other homeschooling families. That could be a way of making new friends if he had had problems at school.

You’re right. He is isolated. He has isolated himself. We have offered him every club, group, activity, social session, everything you could think of. His answer has always been no. No explaination, not willing to discuss it, just doesn’t want to go.

This is why I am reaching out. I don’t know what else to do.

OP posts:
AlertCat · 28/10/2024 19:07

It sounds as if he has all the power in your home. OP, can you tell us why you started to homeschool and didn’t join groups etc, and when your son began dictating what he would or wouldn’t do?

GoodGriefGordon · 28/10/2024 19:07

"Teeth now"
"Shower now"
"Getaway brush through it or shave it off"

All seem like great phrases for you to use

But in all seriousness because he is homeschooled there is less chance to build these into the days structure. So can't he have a shower before dinner? Teeth brush when getting up and before going to bed.

You don't have to be nasty just clear.

Hypermedi · 28/10/2024 19:07

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Swanbeauty · 28/10/2024 19:05

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at OP's request.

Original poster
LoveAlways1 · 28/10/2024 19:05

AlertCat · 28/10/2024 19:00

Yes. If he isn’t ND then consequences (not the natural ones!). Maybe replicating the consequences of being out in the world as an adult- so no money (because he won’t get a job if he’s smelly and looks unhygienic). However this could be a sign that he is autistic, has anyone at school ever suggested or investigated this? If he is then I’d look for some specialist forum to ask around on.

Hi AlertCat,

Thank you for taking the time to reply.

Consequences haven’t worked. They made things/him worse.

He was at school until he was 11 years old then we homeschooled him.

He showed no autistic behaviours in or out of school up until then. I don’t believe he is now; I am a keen learner/researcher and I’ve always been particularly interested in human behaviours to include Autism. However, I’m not an expert but even if we wanted him to be assessed I can almost 100% confidently say that he wouldn’t go.

OP posts:
OrangeSlices998 · 28/10/2024 19:04

He sounds depressed and socially isolated. Why is he homeschooled? Does he attend any in person groups or sessions? What are his hopes for the future?

Hypermedi · 28/10/2024 19:03

LoveAlways1 · 28/10/2024 19:01

Hi Hypermedi,

Thank you for your reply.

We've tried tough love. Many times. It hasn’t worked. We’ve taken away all privileges. He just became sad and isolated. It made the situation worse.

Show quote history

How long for? 1 day? A week? I don't think thats tough love at all. Have you taken him to the GP?

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