Reaching out 🥲

As others have said, it would appear there’s some sort of neurodivergence.

I initially thought PDA or ODD. I’ve worked with a girl who was remarkably similar.

It sounds like he’s finding excuses not to wash or clean his teeth?

If it’s as simple as not liking the taste/foam of toothpaste then try something like ‘Oranurse’ toothpaste.

If he doesn’t go out, he’s not going to find a reason to wash. He won’t see the point.

You say he’s shown a little interest in colleges, maybe you can use that as a reason to get him out?

I'm not sure I’d worry too much about getting a diagnosis for him. It will take years and there are no resources anyway.

Good luck.

It sounds like a vicious cycle. He isn't going out socialising so he's not going to look after himself and make an effort. But because he isn't looking after himself he'll probably have low self esteem and therefore won't want to go out to socialise.

Sorry to say but I feel this is an issue with homeschooling. It seems like a massive, life changing decision you made over 1 other problem child at school?

If he's hardly socialised in person with people for the last 4 years it's going to be very hard for him. Maybe try and get some advice from a professional. It sounds like the reason he's like this is because of the last 4 years rather than because he's autistic.

I've a 17yo ds who has ASD and ADHD.

He doesn't like showers or changing his clothes etc.

What works with him is sport. If he does sport he has to have a shower afterwards. So he joined a gym and the rule is if he's been to a gym then he must have a shower afterwards. I'm not always convinced that soap/shampoo is involved but it does help. 🤣
And if he does football at school he also needs a shower. Otherwise the rule is that he must have a shower on Monday.

I've also noticed that if he's meeting up with friends he's more inclined to have a shower too - or at any rate use deodorant.

Have you spoken to your GP? You can ask for a referral to a children's mental health practitioner who works with your GP. They may be able to offer some support and guidance to him and you. It's really tough and parenting doesn't come with a manual which is really hard if your child doesn't behave in a 'normal' way.

As there's a strong link between hygiene (especially oral) and physical health issues, I would forever pursue a better hygiene routine for him, but I realise it's easier said than done. My uncle has very poor hygiene and is autistic. Very smart but also won't eat many foods, is socially isolated, won't wash his hands or brush teeth, has two hobbies he fixates on. I think a diagnosis is key to making sense of it all for everyone.

OP what kind of stuff does he really enjoy?
When did he last laugh?

Some GP's do home visits. It might be worth calling and ask (explain the situation). You can also contact youngminds.

https://www.youngminds.org.uk/parent/parents-a-z-mental-health-guide/getting-support-from-the-gp/#WhatcanIdoifmychilddoesntwanttoseeaGP

Hang in there OP ❤️

I genuinely don't think OP's is neurodiverse, or in any way unusual. I think a lot of people if they didn't have to go out to school or work wouldn't bother showering or brushing their teeth. Lots didn't in COVID.

If OP's son was in a math class chatting to a girl he fancied I'm sure he'd be washing and brushing his teeth pretty sharpish.

He needs help to get out of the house and find a real life social circle - easiest way is to join a college and study with people his own age.

I think trying to label this anything other than what it is - social isolation - will just lead to more issues for OP's son. Nip it in the bud and help him get back out in the world

I also think your son may be ND even when we are well researched and educated ourselves as young people present so differently, we may miss it.

He also could be low in mood and overwhelmed.

Have you been to the GP - if your son doesn’t want to go can you go, talk this through and get advice?

Will he look at college or a gaming/ computer type course or activity to support him in leaving the home.

Would he want to invite one of his online friends to your house for a gaming afternoon?

Would he tolerate a multi vitamin daily - a gummy sweet one with vit D in it?

Can you reach out to any voluntary groups that specialise in supporting young people and their parents in ND? Autism uk for example? They will give you strategies to help.

Is there any room for negotiation on showering - haircuts/ shaving are not important- but is there anything that can be compromised here? from his perspective what would it take for him to get in the shower say 2 x’s a week?

I also liked the other posters idea of an animal - is that something which he would like and could support him?

Whats his sleep like?

How is his interaction with his friends?

At 16 he has now had a number of years to develop his behaviour and his daily routine so this is going to take time to get to more of a positive place.

Well done for reaching out. I’m sorry things are tough. While it may be difficult to get him to engage with any professionals, maybe it would be helpful for you to discuss your current situation with someone who can offer tailored expert advice regarding how you can best support him. My children are younger but I found the Mind charity helpline very useful when I needed advice regarding one of my children. I believe they can also refer on for more comprehensive support. Just getting some advice at this stage and talking things over with someone qualified to give you some insight may help to give you a better idea of where to start and what they underlying issues may be. Wishing you the best of luck going forward. The advice you’ll get on here will be mixed as your post is trending which always attracts negative comments but weed out the useful advice and ignore any judgement.

Exactly this. Days I WFH I look like Worzel Gummage. Days I have to see my peers I doll myself up. By interacting with colleagues and school friends we tend to conform to social norms, brush teeth, wash hair, wear clean clothes.

When we can hide away, there is no need. He has been allowed to hide away for years, there is no one to impress, no one to fear, no trends to follow, no uniform rules to adhere to.

I feel for you OP but I don’t know what the answer is.

Do you in any way check his online activity?

For people to help, they need to understand the full facts. They aren’t being unkind, they are trying to look at things from a perspective that perhaps you haven’t seen.
Unfortunately you cannot dictate what tone people chose to give advice- that’s the nature a site like this.

Additionally, it highlights that online, you don’t know who you are speaking to and what they will say. Hence, why some posters are telling you to find out who your DS is contacting online.

Other posters have highlighted a number of good point that’s require action from yourself:

• He needs to be assessed fro see if he is ND
• He is extremely isolated, having contact with only two people. He needs to be taken out on a daily basis. Take him out for breakfast, send him into the shop for milk etc He doesn’t have to join a club but he does need to get out.
• His hygiene is linked to his isolation, he does not need to wash his face and brush his teeth when he isn’t likely to see anyone that day. Take him out, in his unbrushed state. He will soon feel embarrassed and next time, will present better.
• You need to reduce his use of online gaming etc. Don’t argue that you’ve tried. Disconnect the wifi and be done. Expect shouting, that’s natural but you have to instil boundaries
• You need to find out who your 16yr old child is talking to online and what he is doing. Don’t look for excuses of why you can’t.
• You need to start to require more from him in the home. He needs to be helpful and help out. Give him chores.

Then you need to built up to:

• Looking into colleges for him to attend, even on a part time basis. Homeschooling may have been successful for him academically but he is clearly now struggling socially and not meeting his own basic needs. He needs to start to get some independence. Hopefully he will be able to develop friendships too.
• Finding a part time job. This will require him to keep on top of his hygiene and work on his social skills and his independence.

Dont mollycoddle, he needs two parents that are prepared to give him the best start in life. This now means getting tough and preparing him to step out into the world.

@LoveAlways1 I think part of the problem, as it’s unlikely to be one thing but a cumulative effect of many things, but maybe the main problem is that being homeschooled has meant he is not having any peer pressure to behave in an appropriate way. If he was at school the other teens would not tolerate his non washing yellow toothed state. He would be told he was ‘ manky’ by his peers and at this age that is very powerful. He is not interacting with young girls or boys his age to form an attraction either. That also generates better hygiene. In other words. He gets a college or uni place or he goes to work. But either way, get him out the house. No more homeschool. Can you withhold internet if unwashed etc. that’s a good incentive also. I would not care if that’s his only communication. He will need to choose what’s more important for himself. Good luck op.

Having seen some of the further updates I agree, but I echo PP who suggest some form of neurodiversity. Or, perhaps this is a trauma response following the bullying. That sounds like a horrific experience for all of you and it’s shocking that the school were so ineffectual.

Could you speak with them yourself? They may be able to give you advice.

You said he was miserable at school. I'm willing to absolutely bet he's still miserable now, as in depressed, isolated, lacks self esteem, self confidence. I'd have him to the GP ASAP for a mental health assessment.

"Tough love" doesn't work with neuro divergence so there is no point trying that as you have found- it's just cruel. If your son was in a wheelchair you wouldn't say but you must walk or we will take your phone off you.
You sound like a lovely caring family and I wanted to send solidarity. My son has adhd (mostly inattentive) and we have our struggles. Your son may not wish to seek diagnosis but you can read up on autism and adhd and perhaps consider how you would help him if he had those conditions. It's not easy, but we're not all the same and that doesn't make him wrong. I hope you understand my clumsy words here - keep on keeping on. What a lovely mum you sound.

Have you tried speaking to your GP?