Reaching out 🥲

That’s a sign of autism, talking in an American accent when not American. Brother did it for years as a child.

There's no alternative school that you could try in the area?

FWIW I was bullied in secondary school for the first 2-3 yrs - had a miserable time of it. At no point did my parents realise that I was neurodivergent, partly because I still managed to keep up with my schoolwork.

In my years of experience as a secondary school teacher, I've seen several neurodivergent children who exhibited some of the behaviours that you're describing - hiding behind long hair is quite common, for example.

OP, just read that your poor DS was sexually assaulted. That could be a huge component here. Children of sexual assault have been known to not look after their hygiene, even intentionally soil themselves, to keep abusers away. Even if there is no active threat, it feels safer to them to continue to be unhygienic.

I hate when people immediately jump to autism - but your son sounds exactly like my brother. He showers probably 3-4 times a MONTH, brushes his teeth probably twice a week. Doesn’t cut his nails, his hair, facial hair, etc unless he has to leave the house (which only happens about 5 times a year). Constantly dirty and smelly, has to be reminded he is dirty and smelly, and essentially marched into the bathroom to clean himself. He’s 34, and our mother still has to set out his toiletries & clean clothes, change his sheets, etc. He either genuinely doesn’t notice or doesn’t care anymore.

He has always had issues with water. He says it makes him feel vulnerable, and that the noise of the shower is too loud - however also feels vulnerable sitting in a bath. Doesn’t care what he looks like so doesn’t look after his hair, teeth, etc.

I’m hoping your DS doesn’t end up like my brother tbh - but maybe you can take this as a sign that maybe he needs to be assessed. There might be supports available for you to help nip this in the bud

And that would help him brush his teeth?

You missed it. The school didn't deal with sexual assault correctly from a bully.

She’s already answered this. Several times.

turn the wifi off - for goodness sake why don't you know what he is doing online!

Unless I've missed it, you've not answered questions as to why you've chosen to homeschool your son. This would go a long way in helping others to help you.

In some ways you don’t have to get him formally assessed. However, reading more widely could be useful for you in understanding his behaviour and gaining some suggestions for how to approach him. Remember it’s a spectrum so some people are more obvious and others considerably less so.

A friend’s son was exactly like this and very gradually over time he’s improved massively in terms of looking after his personal hygiene so don’t give up hope.

Please don't force him to see a dr at home. His safe space is the house, he is comfortable there, as he sings, laughs etc... the first thing I think it might be worth saying is that he is a teenage boy
Teenagers = trying to not listen to the nagging parents, finding their own way and obstinate, pushing boundaries.
Teen boys = smelly, repressed.
In the long run he is likely to come out of this, especially when his eye is turned. It isn't nice to see your child not care for themselves, but try to think about it from their viewpoint, they already feel quite worthless and being nagged about it just is not helpful. Then restricting what they are allowed to have (internet) will just make him feel even worse because in his eyes he's being punished for how he wants to be today. To him it shows a lack of respect to him, his body and his choice.
I'd suggest reading isbn 9781406346930. Blame My Brain: the Amazing Teenage Brain Revealed.
It may help you communicate about his behavior and why he has low self esteem.

This started when you began homeschooling him? Why are you homeschooling him?

It sounds as though he's extremely depressed. Have you taken him to your GP?

My question is have you spoken to your GP, explained the problem and asked what help is available?
Would you consider family therapy?

I teach autistic teens and this behaviour seems similar to what I see in some of my students.
It a processing/ and or sensory issues. I would suggest looking into this

The speaking in an American accent is perhaps an indication of ASD?

Sorry, I've read some of your other replies I don't want to sounds judgy, but I'm only commenting by the information given which is obviously fairly limited in comparison to your last 5 years lol.

If I was in your position I would try and speak to professionals, if your son doesn't want to you can! I do think though, why would he bother cleaning his teeth etc if he has nowhere to go and no one to see? That's the main issue isn't it? You say you go on holidays, are these holidays in hotels with lots of other people? How is his hygiene when he is around more people?

Ok so my 14 year old struggles with both teeth brushing and showering. He is ADHD/ASD (with PDA traits) and also has SPD which means he has sensory issues. No amount of punishing/rewarding would work for my son so we’ve had to go low demand. We’ve tried many types of toothbrushes and flavoured toothpastes. He usually doesn’t go more than 2 or 3 days without brushing teeth and a week before showering but has not long come out of a burnout (leaving the house was another problem) so I don’t want to push him too hard, but he knows to wear deodorant daily and when it gets to point I can smell him, I tell him lightheartedly “You do really quite stink!” he will then usually go shower.

If he’s not eating, do you think he’d enjoy cooking with you and eating it together? You could progress to taking it in turns cooking your main meal for each other, and maybe shopping for ingredients? Maybe choose some toothpaste/toiletries that he likes and will use at the same time?

Looking at a college prospectus seems a good idea too.

sorry you are going through this, it must be very difficult.

He sounds very lonely and isolated.

The problem is all of his issues are linked and without getting him to address one of them, you're stuck. He needs real life friends, it would have such a big impact on his hygiene issues, confidence, self-esteem.

Have you tried any baby steps? getting him to pop to the shop for bread? taking him for some dinner? offering to take him shopping for a nice designer hoodie/trendy trainers? offer a treat (going to buy a new video game etc). What about getting someone to the house to cut his hair? or buying some clippers so DH could give him a cut?

Does he talk about his future? what he wants to do? any chance of getting him to look at some college courses for any subjects he'd be really into? anything gaming related etc?

For what it's worth I think you should ignore your partner and you are right to be worried. Don't give up.

Hi there OP, sorry that things are tough for your son currently. Just wondering if he is able to give you a reason as to why he struggles to maintain his personal hygiene?

I think it might be an idea to speak with his GP on his behalf. You can explain that he won't speak with them but you are worried about him. They may be able to visit him at home, or may signpost you to other services that could help. Some of your son's behaviours could suggest autism, but could also be indicators of poor mental health or other conditions. Your GP will be able to explain the process for neurodiversity assessment if you feel its needed.

I would also suggest contacting your local Early Help services to access support. You may be able to access parenting support which could offer strategies and techniques to encourage him to take better care of his personal hygiene.

Firstly, you're doing a great job. I've been in your situation and it is so hard. You sound a fantastic mum and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Secondly, your post screams ASD at me. My son is not typical ASD and is great at communicating. My daughter is not typical ASD and is very in tune with emotions, is very emphatic and caring. Both have a great sense of humour, both make eye contact, both like socialising. But ... both have an ASD diagnosis.

On one earlier post you said no early signs, but with my two they weren't diagnosed until 13/14. It wasn't until age 12/13 and they started becoming unhappy at school that we looked into ND possibilities.

Your son's behaviour sounds very typical of ASD. My brother had ASD and would rarely wash. Never cleaned his teeth (he had black stumps where they rotted away). He had no idea that it was inappropriate to wear dirty clothes or to go out with food stuck in his beard. He was an absolute genius academically, just didn't understand the need for hygiene.

Everyone with autism presents differently which makes it so hard to go through an online checklist and say "yes/no". It's so much more nuanced. Also, ASD runs in families and you did say your nephew has autism.

Please do some research. Lots of research. If you do this and think he's autistic then he probably is. A diagnosis isn't always important. If you think it's autism you can start tailoring the support you give him.

Good luck.

Another one here advising you to have a look at PDA and some of the advice the PDA Society gives. Try it slowly and see if it makes any difference.

My son is 15, autistic and PDA. Showers are a constant battle as the whole process is just so overwhelming for him. We've found a way to manage at least weekly, and will just build up from there. With teeth brushing, reassure him you know it's hard for him. Don't minimise how he feels about it or you'll just get pushback. Try different flavour toothpastes (or even a no flavour one), different softer toothbrushes. Start very, very slowly and be super patient xxxx

And please reach out to your GP for some help for yourself at least.

And for those saying just tell him what to do - count your blessings you don't understand how ridiculously naive that is!