My husband has just said he hates a part of me

oops should have RTFT

Sounds like issues on both sides. Probably wouldn't do a vow renewal. Usually that's for people who have cheated if doing it after only 5 years.

That is odd. It sounds to me like she is. He was beibg quiet and she was wanting to know why. Not the other way round. Why can't he just be quiet if he wants to

So when a female partner is abusive 'I wouldn't have abused you but you made me do it' sounds like the line men try

RTFT - sounds like reactive anger. He has been phyically and verbally abusive and her outbursts come after these episodes - they don't appear to be unprompted.

So it only works one way?

@Unknown1111

I get angry really quickly and as mentioned before I am loud and can shout when I get emotionally stung

I don't think I would want to live with someone who explodes like that every time I annoyed them. Maybe it's worse than be expected?

Honestly, your relationship sounds awful. It also sounds like you're not ready to leave. I second/third the advice to speak with Women's Aid.

If you're not yet ready to take even that little step - or, better, while you're getting advice and making preparations - I have a strategic suggestion for you.

Stop 'acting angry'. Take a short pause and a slow breath - you can even count to ten in your head (I've done this often) so that you can speak at your normal speed and volume. If he's trying to wind you up, take your short pause and use a deflecting filler like "Ah" and "I see". Stay conscious of your steady breathing - this is so you don't feel panicky.

Notice what happens next! Mine just stood there looking bewildered, left the room, then came straight back in with more nonsense designed to piss me off. I thoroughly enjoyed that, but the point is to see whether he's in fact the bad-tempered one and, as a bonus, to be clear-headed enough to spot what he's doing to set you off.

Here's my favourite breathing exercise 🙂

What are you must angry at? Him ending your relationship or your behaviour being cited as the reason for ending your relationship?

Your relationship sounds toxic and quite frankly I’m failing to see what makes you compatible. It sounds like you both have some serious issues that should have been addressed years ago but because you didn’t, they festered and now it’s all about pointing the finger at the other. Has it occurred to you that you both might be right, that he doesn’t want to address his drinking and that your anger issues are too much for him.

The ‘reason’ for this relationship being over isn’t the point, it being over is. Children shouldn’t be anywhere near this dysfunction.

This is ringing alarm bells to me OP. My ex accused me of having an “anger management problem” - he convinced me that our relationship failings were to do with me and my anger- so much so that I went to anger management counselling. It then became clear that although - yes I can be fiery and short tempered, it was more to do with his inability to discuss and anything and his gaslighting behaviour that was the problem in our relationship. You sound frustrated and he sounds unable to communicate. You may feel that you want to save the relationship but he doesn’t sound like a good partner and men who lack the ability to communicate rarely change.
*edited for spelling

Sounds like a toxic relattionship for you bboth. Would councelling helo?

No matter what you decide, please get counseling to get a handle on your anger. You will feel so much better if you're able to stay in control. It's okay to feel angry; I can see you have reason. But I think subconsciously, you're using the anger to protect yourself. And that doesn't work. It hurts you and puts you in danger. It's not safe to get so angry with a violent man.

I think counseling would help you so much. It's hard on you mentally and physically when you're anxious and angry so much. Especially as it's unresolved anger. He probably does trigger you on purpose.

Someone once told me that they really liked to rattle my cage and then watch the show. I got a look at the mind behind the "I didn't say it to hurt you" face. Manipulative. I'm a lot more simple than that. I don't think I've ever tried to make someone angry in my life. (And no, I didn't leave. But I did learn to read him better.)

That was important, because it's not much fun for a manipulator if they know you're aware of what they're doing. Getting upset and angry just gives them what they want; learning how to control your actions and not just react takes times, practice, and trust in yourself.

You need someone who can give you the tools to help you be in control. After that, you'll be able to work on other issues that are being pushed to the background right now. Therapy has given me some peace and the ability to decide what I want my future to look like. It's helped me think more, and react less. Not every time, but it's better.

I hope you realize that you deserve better, and that it's not always your fault. I hope your life calms down. ❤

This is not someone who is a good partner for you. You can't communicate with him, you tip toe around him, he has alcohol issues , he has hit you, he didn't want to continue counselling, you respond by being angry. Its OK for him to say he doesnt like the angry side of you but what about all the rest of the dynamic, certainly not good for you OP. I think it's best if you seperate and for you to take control and agree this is the best way forward.

*didn't RTFT

He hates your behaviour not you.

I am the more hot-tempered person in my marriage. I do try and tamp down on it. I try never to leave passive aggressive voice mails. I try to get away to cool down eg weeding the garden. I sometimes just ask my husband to leave me alone when I am in a bad mood. When I have been angry, I don't think an abject apology wipes the words away but I do apologise.

On the other hand, I wouldn't put up with your husband's behaviour at all. He has hit you, forced you out of a car to walk home and abuses you, and you also have to put up with his drinking problem and his sulking. I don't think this is working at all when you are both viciously sniping at each other. It really doesn't matter who is responsible for the failure of a marriage because it seems obvious that this one is making neither of you happy.

Its OK if this does't work out OP. Both of you are severly traumatised and have dysfunctional coping mechanisms.

There is no need to prolong this pain any further. Neither of you are happy together. You tried and learned things on the way. Marriage is not a necessity anymore in life. I have just finished reading a book called Single at Heart it helped me to realise that it is acheivable to live a fulfilling life without a romantic partner.

Give yourself and your DH a break and call it quits now.

Reading the thread title, I thought you meant your left ear or something

Not surprised you're angry. Being stuck with a useless drunk and their manipulation tends to do that to people.

Bet you'd feel a lot more chilled out if you didn't have him around constantly looking for ways to get one up on you and today's lame excuse to get shitfaced again.

He has hit you. Kicked you out of the car. Verbally abused you. Coerces you into sex. Blames you for everything.

Of course you're angry. He's a cunt.

You need to end the relationship and get away from him.

What I'm hearing is that he's a violent alcoholic who pesters you for sex and berates you for "disrespecting" him.

Honestly, I'm not surprised you're angry. Who wouldn't be?

Stop turning your anger on yourself and use it to get you and your kids out of there.

I’ve found it amazing how my anger has eased since I split from my (abusive, alcoholic) XH! I have some issues - unstable attachment as a child, undiagnosed neurodivergence until adulthood. Now that I have removed myself from him I have had the freedom to start working on that and I’m much calmer and happier.
I had a glass shattering/lightbulb moment when he said something awful to me about me..I thought initially ‘How could he think such a thing?’ but suddenly a voice in my head said ‘Wait that’s not true! That’s a lie you tell yourself to justify your behaviour towards me!’. I suddenly saw him for what he really was and found my strength. I did get out and there’s not a day goes by that I don’t feel glad we split.
I agree with pp. Talk to women’s aid. There are eeus out of this but you need support. You’re clearly vulnerable. That doesn’t mean that you’ve failed. He’s choosing to treat you like this. But you have the ability to break free. Nothing lonelier than being in an awful relationship.

No I'm not. I'm saying that one can't assume that her partner has caused her anger any more than it can be assumed that she caused his alcohol. We don't know that either, both, or none is the case. So it's stupid for anyone here to say that it is.

You realise you’re blaming OP for her husband’s alcoholism?

I meant to add, don't be too hard on yourself or quick to take the blame when he obviously has issues that predate your relationship.

It already has failed.
This cannot be salvaged.

You would be better off out of this marriage.