My husband has just said he hates a part of me

He's done a number on you darling!
You sound soooo confused about who you are.
I bet you if you left him the so called "anger issues" would decrease and you could work on your emotions in a healthy environment.
Why are you worried about your behaviour towards him when he has raised his hands on you?

This happened in my childhood where I was invisible and I had to have a loud voice to shut down my mums anger.

This is what your are subjecting your kids to as well.

I was more angrier when my children were younger because my first husband literally destroyed me.

Can you see that you would be a much better mum if you didn't have these men in your life? These poor kids have been through enough, please put them first now.

His drinking is caused by him and is his responsibility

OP sounds like there might be truth in what you both say.

you don’t sound like you like each other.

I would end it, and seek counselling/therapy

You’re questioning your sanity because he is gaslighting you.

You have anger issues. You're loud and shout. You don't have control of your anger.

He's abusive too.

You're saying you have no option because of the kids, imo you owe it to your kids to leave. Angry, loud, shouting mum isn't good for them and alcoholic, abusive SD definitely isn't.

If you don't value yourself enough to think you deserve better, think about them. You've said you would tell a loved one to leave but you are forcing your children to stay because they don't have a choice, they are reliant on you.

Call Women's Aid for support and advice, especially if you are financially dependent on him.

Echoing pp who’ve said this relationship is abusive. I would suggest being single for a long time because until you can live contentedly with yourself, you won’t see or you’ll choose to ignore red flags and your instincts. Speaking from experience!!

This is even more true if you had an emotionally abusive childhood. You probably have developmental trauma and/or CPTSD. Your husband telling you that the counsellor was your mate taking your side is evidence that his behaviour isn’t reasonable, by the way! My ex was also shocked that our counsellor took my part. But stopping you from accessing a counsellor for yourself is another abusive behaviour.

Please get your documents and your children’s documents in a safe place and make arrangements to leave. You can get good advice for free from www.rightsofwomen.org.uk

You are not crazy. You are being gaslit (you know the origin of the phrase?) and that will make anyone feel destabilised. I was a shell of myself when I finally left my gaslighting ex. I’m glad that you have your anger because at least you can express it- I have only recently found mine because it’s been pretending to be guilt, sadness, depression, etc. now I go boxing and I get it out!!

Good luck OP.

Please don't worry about what he thinks. You could be an absolute angel in every respect and he would still blame you if your marriage ended.

It is not necessarily possible to change the narrative running through some one else's mind. I expect there are many lovely women who never lose their tempers yet who are labelled the crazy ex by a man who perhaps doesn't want to pay child support and has spun himself a conscience silencing story.

He hit you and here we all are discussing whether or not you have anger issues. I think even if it is very hard the marriage needs to end.

Maybe once you are out and calm you can self reflect. Do you fly off the handle and shout at the kids? Bad drivers? If so you can try to work on it. But please don't take his opinion into account.

It also doesn't matter why the marriage ends or who's fault it was. All you need to ask yourself is is this marriage good for you.

This, OP, this.

Yes, definitely the freedom program. The cycle has to be broken now. The kids are growing up thinking this is what a normal relationship should look like. They will no doubt already be very damaged from this but give them at least a few happy and healthy years where they are the focus, not some man.

Well he would do as it stops you from reacting to what he has done.

Every single update from OP felt like it had a new red flag.

He has alcohol issues and doesn't communicate. He made you stop seeing your counsellor. He gives you the silent treatment. He HIT YOU. This entire relationship is a toxic nightmare. Ending it wouldn't be a failure, staying in it would be.

I also wouldn't hold much weight of the opinion of two arsehole men.

Sounds like you were brought up in an emotionally abusive home, and likely don't know what a healthy relationship should look like. (What you are in, is not healthy).

Remove the narrative of 'it must be me with the problem'.

You may have just swapped abusive parents, to abusive partners.

100% Womans Aid, and their Freedom Program.

@Unknown1111 let him go

There is most likely more to this story than you know. But I do feel he is gas lighting you.

He sounds very similar to my ex, he would do really shitty things then when I’d respond he’d blame my response.

The loving behaviour and future plans shows he quite happy at pulling the rug from under you and the ‘read through the lines’ is BS. You are not physic and he wants you to play the guessing game at what ever you have supposed to have done. - that’s abusive.

You need to be alone for now and give your time to recovering from your past (and current) traumas.

This relationship is dead in the water. He’s abusive and there’s no way back from that.

If you don’t heal, this pattern will keep repeating.

So you hzte his drinking he hates your anger yet you choose to be together at the expense of your kids sounds like a match made in heaven

You do both sound to be hard work at times. In any marriage, both people do things that irritate the other - compromise, by both sides, needs to happen. 🤷‍♀️

I am gonna take a guess that you are a man

Only you know OP if this is worth saving.

Relationships shouldn't be this hard work. I think you both bring out the worst in each other, and unless something drastic changes, your poor kids are being impacted.

A trial separation sounds a good idea to me.

It’s an entirely different thing. Educate yourself.

Being quiet and giving the silent treatment are 2 entirely different things.

A lot of issues there. My ex also used to label me "angry". I'm not an angry person but felt totally unsupported at home, I did all the childcare, all the domestic load, but we both had high pressure jobs. In the end she had an affair and left me. I was devastated. But after a lot of therapy I came to understand where my "angry" responses came from - a lack of boundaries or ability to advocate for my own needs. And I'm much better at that now.

His drink problem is a separate issue and he may well prefer to focus the spotlight on your issues than tackle his own. You can't help with that but you can change your own behaviour (if you want the marriage to work out).

How are your children doing in all of this? You have brought them into a very dysfunctional situation by bringing an abusive man into their lives. After your first marriage you should have had extensive therapy to work through your childhood trauma and tried to get to the bottom
of your anger issues, for their sake as much as yours. Your focus should be you and your children. This man isn’t going to make you a better version of yourself, he triggers you.