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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My husband has just said he hates a part of me

118 replies

Unknown1111 · 28/10/2024 18:43

I feel totally blindsided. Like literally like finding out he has been having an affair. (I know how this feels too as previous husband has done this).
My marriage is by no means perfect we have our fair share of ups and downs esp being both our second marriages and having children in these earlier marriages.
We have had a rocky start and now nearing 5 year anniversary. I thought we were making progress even spoke about this being the strongest year literally 2 weeks ago in bed.. I know I can be a difficult person to be with (so I've been told) I've had quite a traumatic childhood and first marriage and naturally I'm reserved and hesitant - my hubs a calls me angry and my first response to everything is anger. I don't disagree I am dealing with how to regulate my emotions and do have emotional outbursts (I think the anger is just deep rooted hurt that has been forced to take over due to being let down and abandonment issues). He has told me previously I disrespect him in my behaviours (how I talk to him speak to him look at him?!) I have taken that on board and am actively working on that to the effect I feel we haven't had any arguments or such incidents as he describes as disrespectful as I am eager not to have that said about me.
He equally has issues with alcohol and communication mainly and this has been on occasions been the almost last straw.
I have for personal reasons told him if he drinks alcohol again we are done. This was in September. I do not like his communication method which he shuts down and ignores me when he's upset as this is what happened this weekend and I have no idea literally clueless why - as we had a nice morning and he was the one who wanted to spend it with me, when I asked what's wrong he flipped saying I can't give him space and I should be able to read in between the lines etc. completely thrown but carried on weekend wondering what happened.
today he told me he hates the angry part of me and can't deal with it. That there's no other woman and he deserves better.
I normally can sense the vibes when things are off but I am literally blindsided by this. Feel like he has hidden behind my agreed flaws to end the marriage as he knows if he drinks it's done so wants to avoid taking responsibility in the ending of this. By blaming me I feel totally devastated as I know I'm shitty at times and can be loud and talk a lot but I feel like this is total passing the buck as NOTHING makes sense in what he said as we have in recent weeks been planning for future, he has made massive purchases for us, we have talked about reviewing our vows. If he hated me surely he would've contested it in those instances?
I feel like I've been deceived and this was his plan all along to bide time to blame the ending of the marriage on me not on his drinking problem.

OP posts:

ThatTealViewer · 29/10/2024 11:03

Unknown1111 · 29/10/2024 08:47

I want him to go but I worry about being alone and losing the only family support I get from his parents.

I dnt have a lot of support all my friends are not local and my children will blame me for him going. They like him more than me most days.
see I thought we were happy. But it's come as a shock that he's not? I thought the biggest obstacle would be asking him to leave when he drinks. Not being told I'm the problem.

Edited

Show quote history

What is so awful about being alone? Why is that such a terrible fate?You described yourself as ‘desperate’ upthread. Why are you?

And when you say you don’t have support - what support is it that you’d need? What, specifically, would you like support with and what would that look like? Friends and family to help with childcare? You can pay for childcare. People to talk to? Them not being local is no barrier to speaking to them.

I think sometimes people just say ‘I have no support’, but it doesn’t actually mean anything when you drill down.

I think you should do some reading on the long term impact of being raised by an alcoholic parent. Perhaps that will spur you on.

Original poster

Unknown1111 · 29/10/2024 09:26

AlertCat · 29/10/2024 09:16

Alcoholics will use every excuse to keep drinking.
it is much easier for him if everything is your fault- he doesn’t have to take responsibility for anything.

Are they his kids as well as yours?

Show quote history

2 mine one ours

OP posts:

NZDreaming · 29/10/2024 09:17

@Unknown1111 just taking what you have said about him to make it clear:

he’s an alcoholic
he’s had an emotional affair
he hit you
he goads you to make you angry
he makes you reliant on him by saying no one else does or will love you

regardless of whether he has any good qualities any one of those points is enough to end the relationship. He is not going to change and his treatment of you will only escalate.

It sounds like you have a lot of trauma from growing up with narcissistic parents and you’ve sought emotional connection with men who are emotionally unavailable or unstable. A marriage shouldn’t be this difficult and I’m struggling to see why you married him in the first place. It doesn’t matter if he’s saying you’re the reason the relationship needs to end, it’s irrelevant, you need to take the opportunity to end this before it gets worse.

Your children will be impacted by the toxicity of this relationship, they will see the way he treats you, you are modelling a very poor example of what they should expect from future partners.

If you own your home and your marriage isn’t legally recognised then tell him to leave and if he won’t, call the police and get him removed. It won’t be easy but you need to focus on yourself, get some counselling to help you understand yourself better, don’t embark on another relationship any time soon and allow yourself the freedom to heal.

AlertCat · 29/10/2024 09:16

Unknown1111 · 29/10/2024 08:47

I want him to go but I worry about being alone and losing the only family support I get from his parents.

Edited

Show quote history

Alcoholics will use every excuse to keep drinking.
it is much easier for him if everything is your fault- he doesn’t have to take responsibility for anything.

Are they his kids as well as yours?

NowImNotDoingIt · 29/10/2024 08:53

@Unknown1111 the fear of the unknown can be huge and debilitating, I know , trust me. It's better to be alone , than in an abusive marriage. Always. You need to start thinking long term with things like these. What are you children seeing, what are they learning? Where will they end up witnessing all this?

Where will you end up? Berated,abused,accused,threatened,belittled. Can you see yourself living like this for 5 more years? 10? 15? Because he will not change. He will only get worse . What kind of mum will you be? What kind of person will you be?

The worries you have are just the immediate aftermath , and probably heavily driven by his negative comments and abuse towards you. That's not your voice, it's his voice. Don't listen to him, listen to your needs, your children's needs. A happier, stable , hard working mum who is FREE.

Original poster

Unknown1111 · 29/10/2024 08:47

ThatTealViewer · 29/10/2024 08:42

You ignored the main part of that poster’s comment, which was about seeing a lawyer, taking control and doing something about all this. Why?

What’s your plan, OP? This relationship is miserable. Is this what you’re going to do with your one precious life?

Show quote history

I want him to go but I worry about being alone and losing the only family support I get from his parents.

OP posts:

ThatTealViewer · 29/10/2024 08:42

Unknown1111 · 29/10/2024 08:35

sorry he stopped couple counselling which he was paying for as higher earner. We have split finances and are co habiting so has no claims over my house as his contributions are under 'bulls' not mortgage. Our marriage is not legal in the country. Just a religious ceremony.

Show quote history

You ignored the main part of that poster’s comment, which was about seeing a lawyer, taking control and doing something about all this. Why?

What’s your plan, OP? This relationship is miserable. Is this what you’re going to do with your one precious life?

NowImNotDoingIt · 29/10/2024 08:42

@Unknown1111 the more you say the worse he sounds, and the better your position is. That's why I have been asking all the questions.

If he has no rights in law, give him the two weeks(and that's being extremely kind to an abusive piece of shit) and then change the locks (don't tell him you're doing this) and have all his stuff ready to go.

This is it, this is where the rest of your life begins , without him poisoning your mind and soul.

It's not a failed marriage, it's you finding your worth and making yourself and your children safe. If you can't do it for yourself (I know very well the feeling of "this is what I deserve") , then do it for them.

Snoken · 29/10/2024 08:41

Unknown1111 · 29/10/2024 08:35

Show quote history

It's great news that the marriage is not legal. That makes it a lot easier and you can get a court order to have him removed if needed. Please just do that now. He's not worth all this aggro, even if you have the odd good month, he's not good for you.

Kosenrufugirl · 29/10/2024 08:37

Sounds like self-sabotage on his part to me

bitesthedust · 29/10/2024 08:36

Sounds like a horrible relationship anyway
Just split

Original poster

Unknown1111 · 29/10/2024 08:35

NowImNotDoingIt · 29/10/2024 08:33

@Unknown1111 if you are in a good position (you said she stopped paying for counselling so I wondered if he controlled the finances) , then you have the power to do this. You might not have the strength, but you have to find it. Ironically, you need to find your anger and channel it towards ending this.

See a lawyer, find out your rights and see what would happen in a divorce. Take control and tell him, yes , we are done. He has 2 weeks to move out. Ignore him otherwise, don't get into any arguments or how's and why's. If he tantrums , let him tantrum. Don't ask or beg, tell him it's happening.

You can do this , you have to really want to. You deserve better than this, you are better than this.

OP posts:

NowImNotDoingIt · 29/10/2024 08:33

You can do this , you have to really want to. You deserve better than this, you are better than this.

Snoken · 29/10/2024 08:32

@Unknown1111 it doesn't matter that he thinks you are angry or aggressive, you don't have to prove him wrong. You know that he brings out the worse in you and you and your kids would be happier people without him. That's all that matters. Don't spend time trying to convince him that he is wrong and your are right, you can't argue with abusive people, they don't have the ability to see faults in themselves like that.

The fact that you are married makes things harder though as I'm guessing your home is considered a marital assett and will have to be split 50/50. Can you leave instead and ask him to buy you out? It might be quicker than trying to get him to move.

mumtotwo11 · 29/10/2024 08:31

I think you need to split from him. It's not good for you, him or your kids to remain in this relationship. life is too short. You are not a failure, you've been dealt a shit hand.

I'd probably say you need to continue with therapy/counselling as I think there's lots in past and present that you need to deal with before trying to embark on a new relationship.

good luck op x

Pat888 · 29/10/2024 08:30

You need to separate for the sake of the children -it sounds a frightening and unhappy home.
edit -cos you can’t fix him.

Original poster

Unknown1111 · 29/10/2024 08:29

Sorry I'm ranting I haven't spoke to anyone in rl in fear of being thought I'm the problem. Surely people around me just stop talking to me (my family) I'm the issue

OP posts:

Vermeers · 29/10/2024 08:29

He sounds vile and abusive, controlling and manipulative.
The relationship is toxic.
Your children are being damage in the midst of this.
Contact Women's aid for advice and support on how to get away.
You and your children deserve better than this.8

Original poster

Unknown1111 · 29/10/2024 08:28

NowImNotDoingIt · 29/10/2024 08:25

You are in an abusive marriage.

Him leaving is not a threat , it's actually giving you what you need. Who cares why it's happening? The important thing is that it happens and you are free of him. You and your children deserve better.

You need to look into the practical side of things , house(owned, rented, in whose name?) , do you work or if not can you start, any benefits you might be entitled to etc.

Once you're free, try and get some counselling for yourself, work on yourself, learn to like and love yourself, and stay single while all this is going on.

He said he doesn't want to be with me. But is still in the house apparently can't afford to move out. It's my house I have a good career so no issues there - it's what he said and will do. He will stay here and act normal allowing the children to feel the tension and then expect me to fall back into normality ignoring and burying everything he has said until the next argument and then the same things will be said. The past few months have been good but he's been resenting me during that time too so what does that mean no matter what happens he will always say I'm the issue. So how can I put any energy into fixing something that will always be said is broken regardless of the changes

OP posts:

NowImNotDoingIt · 29/10/2024 08:25

You are in an abusive marriage.

You need to look into the practical side of things , house(owned, rented, in whose name?) , do you work or if not can you start, any benefits you might be entitled to etc.

Once you're free, try and get some counselling for yourself, work on yourself, learn to like and love yourself, and stay single while all this is going on.

FinallyDecided · 29/10/2024 08:16

If you left him, and started going to counselling you have the rest of your life to be healed and happy.

Leaving him and learning to not fall into abusive patterns again with partners will be the best thing you ever did.

It's not too late.

Original poster

Unknown1111 · 29/10/2024 08:10

Fireflies8 · 29/10/2024 07:58

He's done a number on you darling!
You sound soooo confused about who you are.
I bet you if you left him the so called "anger issues" would decrease and you could work on your emotions in a healthy environment.
Why are you worried about your behaviour towards him when he has raised his hands on you?

The ironic thing is I'm not even angry - I haven't had any angry outbursts for months and I thought things were going the best they have ever been?
I even said this to him and he agreed.
the only issue that has cropped up is he gt drunk on holiday recently and I didn't recognise him so I told him he wants alcohol in his life he needs to leave. Fast forward a couple of months and he has gone for a weekend with his friends to watch the boxing and I reminded him about the drink and he was all quiet and moody and then after he came back he said he can't stay with me coz I'm the angry person he has been resenting all our marriage. He said it's nothing to do with him wanting to drink it's me. I personally think he wants drink in his life but can't have the decision to drink hanging over his head being the reason his second marriage broke too (alcohol was the reason for the first marriage breakdown) so he decided to blame me for things that aren't true and ignore all my efforts in managing my anger.

OP posts:

Thepeopleversuswork · 29/10/2024 08:09

He’s an alcoholic and you have anger issues. You’re not compatible and you’re not making each other happy. You need to separate: there’s no point hanging on for grim death to the wreckage of a dying relationship.

BunnyLake · 29/10/2024 08:02

He has a drink problem and you have an anger problem and that sounds like a pretty bad combination.

Physical violence is a deal breaker regardless of anything else. If he’s hit you then you should end it. You might find your anger dissipates somewhat without having to deal with someone else’s issues as well as your own. Leave and focus on your own self growth.

Blairsnitchproject · 29/10/2024 08:00

Unknown1111 · 29/10/2024 07:13

I know I am hard work I've been told so many times by him. My mum is a narcissist and does not have anything to do with me as I can't stand her - he often uses this as a reminder how unlovable I am. In fact my ex did the same. Logically I feel like it's me as so many key people have told me I am an angry person. The problem is it's almost always a reaction to being disrespected in some form. Or silent treatment triggers me as it's a form of abuse my parents used to punish us.
i know I am messed up through the core. On a completely different note my husband always tells me I'll end up in heaven as I'm a good person to the core. Just angry.

Have you considered that with a narcissistic parent your boundaries and tolerance for abusive behaviour is way off and you may possibly need to retrain yourself to not seek out abusive people which is a norm for you in relationships. The freedom programme might be invaluable for you. Your husband sounds abusive.

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