Can I tell this kid off? Feel awkward!

Time for a new arrangement.

”only” 5 minutes but if she dreads that 5 minutes, that’s a lot of anxiety leading up to it, so suddenly it’s more than 5 minutes each day isn’t it?

I would also explain to the mum the reason you’re stopping. She has seen his behaviour and at 7, they 100% know better. He’s being a bully and she needs to address whatever the root cause.

My son is 7, if he ever spoke to someone like that I would be sitting down and digging into it to understand why.

Of course you shouldn’t tell someone else’s child off. Sounds like the behaviour is when you aren’t there anyway, or the bits you witness are when the child’s mum is also present. You can do nothing about that.

But, you must remove your child from this bullying situation and make new arrangements. Not only is this causing immediate upset to your DD, it is also showing her that this is what friendship looks like; that this is acceptable. That needs to end asap.

Goid luck. I hope you can do an earlier nursery pick up so you can be there for your DD at end of school time - she needs you.

Maybe the kids teased him about having a girlfriend and he’s embarrassed. I don’t think you should let daughter’s mental health suffer, figure a way to pick her up on your own. She’s told the boy that he’s being mean and it hasn’t stopped him so rescue her from this little devil child.

I would be making alternate arrangements for your DD, but in the meantime - yes I absolutely would tell him off. Your daughter has already told him to stop being unkind etc, and intervention is now needed. She has tried to stand up for herself and now needs to know that you have her back by you 1) telling him to stop being unkind and 2) stopping sending her somewhere where she gets picked on.

You can redirect rather than tell off. Eg. Please be kinder to X not don't shout at X.

I would honestly if you can pick your younger child up slightly earlier. And be honest with the mom if she asks why your doing the school pick ups yourself.

She knows what her son is like and I know i sound horrible but my view on things like that is not my monkeys, not my circus 🤷‍♀️.

Unless she can have a bit more control over her child's behaviour (may be worth asking for outside support), I don't think its fair for your child to be subjected to that daily. I'm a single parent so I get the work/ childcare balance struggle, but I have cut people off like that whose kids I can't have around my own. And not after a first or even 10th offence...... I do give it time to see if it is a phase. But unfortunately even for me as some parents I have actually quite liked, I can't cope with the guilt of me putting my own kids in a situation like that all the time.

Of course you can tell him off! It sounds as if his mum's way of dealing with him isn't working. But you need to do it assertively, i.e. you talk about the impact on you, personally. Because no-one can justify arguing with you saying how something affects YOU. So...Darren, when you said (repeat the thing he said) it made me feel upset and I think it was unkind. I would prefer you (insert whichever type of comment is appropriate, e.g. would tell me about the problem/politely ask my daughter to let you have an extra turn/realise that saying someone smells/isn't clever/is ugly...it hurts their feelings and they won't want to be your friend.
It might take quite a few 'attempts' at this before he and his mum get the message. It sounds as if she doesn't know how to manage his behaviour and it's setting him up for a difficult life.

I understand it's really tricky (and no doubt expensive) to change things but, if possible, I would look for another solution, whether that's asking to change working hours or extending nursery time by an hour, or making friends with another parent who can help or paying a childminder to walk her from school to home.

It's really unfair on your daughter to make her put up with this every school day. Some kids can put up with those sorts of interactions better than others, but even if your DD is one of them, it's still something she'll always remember. She must dread seeing him by now, surely?

Your DD probably realizes that your friend is doing you a favour by taking her home and doesn't want to risk offending her by giving her son as good as she gets. It's all very well for people to say she should stand up for herself but you (an adult) are uncomfortable telling the boy off in front of his mother, so how would a 7 year old feel? She may well be able to put him straight but is worried of appearing rude and unpleasant to the kind lady who gives her a lift home.

I would do what I could to avoid her having to be in around this boy for even five minutes.

Tell him (Don’t ASK) to stop.
If at your place then say to his mother they need to leave.
If it’s her place or neutral venue then you can leave.
Dont put up with bullying of any type or later on in life she will have come to accept that kind of behaviour and more to the point his mother doing nothing will allow him to turn into one of those type of boys who thinks he can get away with that behaviour.
Oh, by the way, I’m male

I remember this when my daughter was about the same age. Boys and girls go from all playing together to believing they are different. He probably genuinely likes your daughter and might be being teased for it. He might also be jealous at having to share time with his mum. If they go to school together I'd be using it as an opportunity to teach your daughter how to deal with it rather than just stop them seeing each other. It'll be a life skill for sure and sadly one she'll probably still use when she's long grown.

You really need to sort alternative arrangements, nobody is enjoying this.

Your daughter is being picked on daily.
The little boy is upset (whether rightly or wrongly, he’s clearly unhappy).
The other mum is having to sort this out every day and tell her son off which is probably going to make him resent your daughter more.
You’re upset because your daughter is upset and are resorting to asking for advice on how to deal with the boy’s behaviour.

I’m really surprised the other mum hasn’t called this off before now with how upset it’s making her son and how much she’s having to arbitrate. She may find it really awkward and feel trapped and unable to stop, you should really end this for everyone’s sake.

I think that you should take steps to sort out alternative arrangements for your dd after school.
Don't put her in a situation where she isn't wanted and can't get out of.

It isn't about the boy, because really he's just a child who doesn't like the arrangement his mother has come up with and he too is forced to go along with. He's playing her up as a way of letting you all know this, hoping that it will stop.

The only way for both children to be relaxed is for you to arrange something else for your dd.

I would tell him off, and I would stop your dd playing with him. In fact, I have done this to one of ds friends who is just plain rude. He will be the only one jumping on our furniture, walking into rooms, opening cupboards, asking outright rude questions, annoying my dc. His mum does tell him off but he is just a rude child. So I stopped all play dates, and told my ds to keep a distance at school.
If he is singling out your dd, please stop all interactions with this child.

Personally I don't think it's for the OP and her DD to try and resolve whatever issues this boy is having with his mother. I think that's a bit beyond their remit.

It sounds like her son is getting fed up of the arrangement, I know it's not out of their way but that time in the car is probably when he's tired from school etc. we had similar with my best friends little one, my daughter was getting grumpy like this, not outright rude but would throw a bit of a strop if we were dropping her friend or want to walk ahead etc instead of being her usually friendly self (this is her best best friend) again all I could do was say don't be rude etc but I would try and find another arrangement or try and reduce it if possible. My friend moved their other child's nursery in the end so we rarely help out now and everything has settled back down again.

I think the best way to approach is to go with

'Ah!' Sharp and abrupt. Then say

'We use kind words' or we don't say mean things, we don't snatch.

It's the collective use of the words 'we' that softens it a little bit. A reminder that rules apply to everyone. It's a bit less direct than 'you are naughty. You have been unkind etc'.

Then as soon as you've said it move directly to something else. So steps are

'AH' - said loud and sharp.

'We don't say mean things' - said in an controlled but softer way than than the 'Ah'.

'Right. Who would like an apple juice/to play xyz game/a snack'. - back in completely normal voice.

This is how I redirect/tell off other people's kids. It seems to work and it's over and done with so quick, don't even think parents seem to register it.

He sounds like a brat.

If it’s literally 5 minutes and you pull up the same time then unfortunately you will need to alter timings slightly by the sounds of it. Also teach your daughter to stand up for herself. Also speak to the teacher and just mention it so they can see if this is going on with other kids etc

It sounds to me as if the child doesn’t feel as if he is a priority, for whatever reason, and resents that his mother is giving your daughter a lift home every day. This seems to be at the root of his behaviour, and this is what really needs to change.
Finding an alternative solution to your after school pick up problem, would remove your daughter from the situation, but might not solve his actual problem. Have you tried actually speaking to your friend about the situation? Other than just accepting her apologies? Maybe you could try thanking HIM for helping you and your daughter out, and making him feel appreciated. Or speak to their teacher to find out if there’s something more going on in school. There’s ALWAYS a reason for children’s behaviour, and it’s very rarely “they just like being mean”.

No @ChilliHeeler1 you can't tell him off. You just need to avoid both him and his Mum. A polite nod of hello if you make unavoidable eye contact, otherwise remain as physically apart from them as possible.

I would definitely make other arrangements.
It's horrible for your daughter and I doubt the other mum will want to do it for much longer anyway.

Sounds stressful all round.

The kid obviously resents his mum doing the school run for your DD. Some kids are like that and can’t handle their parent doing a favour for anyone else like drop off or babysitting. She should be firmer with him and tell him to wind his neck in and that he can cope with not having her undivided attention for twenty minutes. But if I were you I’d try to see if there are alternative options for school runs.