Being the only one buying

This is easily solved by just not also providing sex (among all the other services) for the cocklodger.

Sorry, OP, I don't mean to sound harsh but he's an absolute loser and you need to know that.

He's not going to marry her - why would he bother when she's paying for everything anyway? He won't want to potentially lose half the house that she's paid for.

It's such a weird thing to do "I'm going to redefine your AIBU and then answer that new version" 🤔

I feel for the OP - and hope she isn't so weirded out by this thread that she ignores it - but you do have a point. I had no idea until I started looking at MN a few months ago how many women end up with cocklodgers and how common it is. It's actually really put me off dating! And I have to say, I really cannot understand why anyone would have THREE babies with such a useless selfish deadbeat. She must have a great job and an understanding boss to be able to afford to support four kids on her own (I am including the cocklodger in that) with all the time off for maternity leave etc. How does that even work?!

Sounds like the house is his. He’s the higher earner, mortgage in his name, yet she accepts paying all the mortgage and bills without even the security of marriage.

unfortunately, she’ll have to leave (or get legal advice to see if she can claim any interest in the house due to the children and mortgage payments)

I couldn't share my life with someone who wasn't willing to share their money with me. You and your children should be a lot more important to this man than his money, but it doesn't look that way.

Honest to God, day after bloody day we see these posts from women who merrily have child after child while paying for a useless waste of space and wailing "but I lurve him".

Not married either and for Extra Stupid Bonus the mortgage is in HIS name!!!!

My credulity and sympathy is stretched too far.

You can choose to be used and abused, which the OP has, but to bring children into this shitshow is just too much.

Other women in this position surely recognise themselves and think "Fuck, better do something about this". Surely. SURELY???

Depends which one as one of these long term injections isn’t something that a lot of women should have as the side effects which get glossed over are dreadful and leave you with a lifetime of issues.

You love what about him exactly? What joy does he bring to your life.

He's a scrounging cocklodger. Tell him you can't afford to have him living with you and he'll have to I get his own place. Put a claim in for CM and UC. You'll probably be a lot happier.

If you want him then you'll have to suck it up. He's never going to step up. Stop having babies with the loser at leas and definitely don't marry him.

This!

Isn't there an implant now that gives you protection against pregnancy without having to remember the pill? Get that. Get it before you get pregnant again.

As this is financial abuse and also emotional abuse when he sees you struggle and doesn’t help I would think there is a possibility that this is something you could get legal aid for.

All of this in a nutshell.

My first thought is to check about the mortgage, you say your name isn’t on it, but you pay ? Check your legal situation if your not named on the deeds.

second stop paying for everything, stop buying presents for his family for a start.

seriously I know you say you love him, but he’s controlling you, abusing isn’t just done with fists. What does he bring to the family ?

Serious question: how can you love someone who treats you so badly? He’s not an equal partner & never has been.

I don’t think you should have stayed with him this long tbh, my advice would be to tell him you will leave him if he doesn’t change.

This is financial and emotional abuse OP

No doubt about that

It is possible and common to love your abuser: that however isn’t a reason to stay. Just makes it emotionally harder to leave but leave you must

Please phone womens aid for support asap

Your kids need to to get out of this OP.

YOU need to get free of this

Missed the bit about the mortgage being in his name

If you are paying for everything I think you might have a claim on the house.

Taken from www.familylawgroup.co.uk/news/what-rights-do-you-have-to-your-home-if-you-separate

If you are co-habiting, it is possible to apply to court to obtain an occupation order, if you satisfy the balance of harm test which, if granted, would allow you to continue to live in the house. This is usually just a temporary measure, but it may give you sufficient time to prove your entitlement to an interest in the house

and also

If you have solely paid all the household bills it could be argued this is above and beyond what is expected of an ordinary cohabitee

I think you need to split up but before you do you need to see a solicitor to see if you have at least a claim on the house or just to get a percentage of what you have paid out over the years.

I would also be looking through every single transaction on your bank account and any credit card statement and working out what was spent on bills, mortgage, home insurance clothing for dc, expenses like nursery fees, school trips etc, food shopping, days out, holidays etc In fact anything where you have spent money that was not just on yourself. List it in categories eg Mortgage payments (if this is a repayment mortgage I would have the payments you made split into interest on the loan and repayments made towards the loan) children’s clothes, holidays etc Plus put down any payments he made to your bank account

Then armed with this information I would see a solicitor

I still stand by what I put in my PP about your fiancé. But whilst a lot of posters are saying to transfer the bills back into his name, I would keep the status quo until you have worked out your legal position

You can get usually a free session with a solicitor so I would go to a few to lay out your issues and to find someone who you feel comfortable with.

Use your anger to keep quiet and keep secret what you are doing

Whilst the law states that if you are only living with someone and you split up, you are not entitled to anything, however in cases like this where you have been paying for everything then other laws are there to protect you

Also agree, you don’t love him, you love what you wish he was

Please collect / download all bank statements and correlate them to bills (including mortgage) to demonstrate you have paid for everything. You might need it when divorcing him.

@RedLeicesterRedLeicester , they aren't married.

@Everydayimwingingit , you don't love him, you love who you think he is.

As said above, he’s a cocklodger

I’m worried for you that you still love him. Please divorce him and get some maintenance. And I hope his name isn’t on the mortgage

Stop having babies with him and stop buying presents for his family as a starting point.

He's clearly not going to do that though. She said she can't talk to him about money because she's scared what response she's going to get.

This man is a financially abusive pig and she really does need to leave him. He's contributing absolutely NOTHING - she'd be better off leaving him as at least then she could get some money through CMS.

Why are you paying all the mortgage on a house you both own. You would be far better selling up and getting a property on your own.
No way would I put up with this Cocklodger.

"I still love him"

@Everydayimwingingit your bar is so low you can walk over it.

What would you say to your daughters if they were being treated like this?

Because you had better prepare a future answer as you are giving them an example of what they should expect from a man.