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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Being the only one buying

258 replies

Everydayimwingingit · 28/10/2024 12:13

I just need to rant as I can't help but feeling so angry.
Me and my fiancé have 3 kids together and I absolutely hate this time of year as its always me who pays for everything all year round the food, the utilities, the mortgage, cheap holidays and days out. I earn alot less than him so I've to be careful with money but also try to save up for Christmas as I'm the one who buys all the presents for the kids aswell as mine and his family, October is nearly as bad as my eldest has her birthday and has had a party again which I paid for but I don't mind as it made her happy, I feel like at times I can't buy them decent presents as I'm watching the savings so they end up with quite a few cheap things that end up broke or don't get played with.
We've recently had a baby and it's been so difficult not buying him the clothes that I love as I just can't justify the cost but the main reason for the rant is I've just bought a second hand playmat and got my fiancé to collect it on his way home from work and as soon as he came home he made sure he took the money for it out my purse.

I suffer really badly with mental health since having my ds so I find confrontation extremely difficult but I can just feel the anger building up inside.

Aibu to expect him to atleast help towards some of the bills or even spend time with the kids so I can have a bath in peace

OP posts:
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AmIEnough · 05/11/2024 07:08

Sorry OP, I needed to post again because as I’m reading through all the comments on your original post I’m just becoming more upset on your behalf. There are so many times on MN when I wish that the original OP would show the person the responses. And this is one of them. I would so love you to show your fiance, although I know he would dismiss it all out of hand and probably end up getting you into a lot of trouble with him but sometimes I think some people need to see the perspective from other people. Can I ask if your name is on the deeds of the property? It sounds not which means you are in an extremely vulnerable position as you’re paying for everything for no gain whatsoever . You need to get some legal advice urgently X

AmIEnough · 05/11/2024 06:45

This is ludicrous ! You would be far better off if you left him and he had to pay child maintenance! At least you’d get something.

He is absolutely taking the piss and financially abusing you! Unfortunately the only way forward is to sit him down and have a frank discussion about this and at the very least, get him to agree to set up a joint account to which you both pay money each month? If he doesn’t agree to this I think you should consider your future with him. XX

superplumb · 31/10/2024 15:57

Leave him. Kick him out of your house then contact the csa . You'll be no worse off.

MustWeDoThis · 31/10/2024 15:50

Everydayimwingingit · 28/10/2024 12:13

I just need to rant as I can't help but feeling so angry.
Me and my fiancé have 3 kids together and I absolutely hate this time of year as its always me who pays for everything all year round the food, the utilities, the mortgage, cheap holidays and days out. I earn alot less than him so I've to be careful with money but also try to save up for Christmas as I'm the one who buys all the presents for the kids aswell as mine and his family, October is nearly as bad as my eldest has her birthday and has had a party again which I paid for but I don't mind as it made her happy, I feel like at times I can't buy them decent presents as I'm watching the savings so they end up with quite a few cheap things that end up broke or don't get played with.
We've recently had a baby and it's been so difficult not buying him the clothes that I love as I just can't justify the cost but the main reason for the rant is I've just bought a second hand playmat and got my fiancé to collect it on his way home from work and as soon as he came home he made sure he took the money for it out my purse.

I suffer really badly with mental health since having my ds so I find confrontation extremely difficult but I can just feel the anger building up inside.

Aibu to expect him to atleast help towards some of the bills or even spend time with the kids so I can have a bath in peace

Why enable him?

What you're saying here, is- You're financially stable without his money. You don't actually need him. Without him you would get UC to top up your pay and would have a lot more money to use and spare without him. No mortgage to pay, no 2nd adult to feed, rent paid for you, discount on bills for being a single parent. What are you waiting for?

Iceboy80 · 30/10/2024 20:30

So what's he doing with his money? You need to sort this out ASAP I'm a man and agree if both work then it's 50/50 unless one or the other earns more then should contribute more so both have no money stress. I cannot imagine watching a partner struggle if living together so deal with this now as it cannot continue.

HecatesBees · 30/10/2024 16:00

I'm the one who buys all the presents for the kids aswell as mine and his family,

Well stop then

unfortunately it would have a huge effect on me as its all in my name apart from the mortgage,

So your name is not on the mortgage?

at times I think I am scared of how he would react if I made comments about it all

theres your main problem then

category12 · 30/10/2024 15:48

I doubt OP is still reading the thread.

Terrribletwos · 30/10/2024 15:46

@Everydayimwingingit so you're paying for everything and you're scared of him/his reaction should you object. This is abuse. I hope that you take note of the sensible Pps on here and can manage to take steps to leave.

Goodtogossip · 30/10/2024 15:40

What is this man actually bringing to your life other than babies? He should be paying at least half of all household outgoings & half of anything spent on the kids. When he's in a good mod & calm tell him you're struggling with all expenses & you need him to step up & pay his way. Ask him what will happen if you stop paying the mortgage & you loose the house or you can't afford food or clothes for the kids. It worries me that you feel you can't ask him. Please do not marry this man until you have things sorted out & trust he'll financially support his family going forward long term, as you'll be lumbered with him & it will cost you to divorce him.

FindingNeverland28 · 30/10/2024 06:30

MollyButton · 28/10/2024 12:30

You need to stop paying, and separate. You are being financially abused.
If in the UK you have no claim on the house, but get financial advice. Start claiming any benefits and child support. Move out ASAP.
And Women's aid can help.

Do NOT move out before seeking legal advice (unless you and the children are in danger). If you aren’t going to leave him and he isn’t going to contribute to the mortgage etc, then you need some paperwork drawn up, which gives you something like a 95% share of the house and him the remaining 5%.
Tell him he has 2 choices… 1.) either pay 50% or 2.) sign the paperwork.
Personally, I’d have him sign the paperwork and then give him his marching orders.

WhiteJasmin · 30/10/2024 06:14

OP maybe it's a wake up call but why is this person your fiance or even a father to 3 of your children when he doesn't sound like he pull his weight with the kids or financially? You only got yourself to blame getting into this mess. What is there to love with a partner who doesn't respect you or take responsibility of your shared children? Is this the kind of partner you want to see your children have? You are modelling the relationship they will have in the future. Take a stance and find someone who you can partner with if he's not willing to change.

RichTea90 · 30/10/2024 05:54

It sounds like you have 4 children, OP.

TheMamaLife · 30/10/2024 05:27

Everydayimwingingit · 28/10/2024 12:28

As stupid as its going to sound I'm still with him because I love him which is what annoys me and at times he does make me feel happy and safe but I'm really starting to struggle with paying for everything, his attitude when I do end up asking him for help, it got to the point where he will watch me struggling with the kids and he waits until I've lost it before he offers to help, he doesn't play with them or if he does it's just with the baby

What do you love about him? How does he make you feel safe? You’re the one making HIM safe, and where’s the gratitude? He sounds awful. And I think you need counselling to understand that this is not love.

“Love” is the “cherry on top” of a relationship… cooperation and mutual respect is what actually makes a relationship. Love is pointless and unhelpful without the other ingredients.

JoBrandsCleaner · 29/10/2024 22:25

‘I'm still with him because I love him’ -
well he certainly doesn’t love you, he’s an absolute waste of space arsehole stop being so wet and get rid of him

Pussycat22 · 29/10/2024 21:18

Singleandproud, beautifully put. He sounds a right darling doesn't he!! Out out out !!!

harmfulsweeties · 29/10/2024 21:15

It's a massive red flag that you're scared of raising these issues with him. Healthy relationships are relationships where you can talk to each other and discuss these kinds of things.

At the least, you're in an unhealthy relationship. At the most, you're in a financially and perhaps more, abusive relationship-and I'm leaning towards that based on what you have said.

He doesn't love you or respect you. He is quite happy to sit there, stashing away his cash, knowing that you are struggling and he doesn't give a crap enough to help. He knows it's unfair- and he doesn't care. Doesn't that tell you a lot about him?

Of course, if you raise it with him, he'll likely play the bug eyed oblivious card "Oh, I didn't realise, why didn't you say something?" and turn it around on you-but there is no way that he's getting away with paying absolutely nothing towards your shared lives together and unaware of it.

I can imagine he thinks he struck gold with you. There's a woman he can have kids with, who will pay for everything (including his mortgage and children) and do everything, too! So, he can sit on his arse, stashing his cash whilst you struggle for every penny to make ends meet.

The mortgage thing is beyond puzzling, too. So, you're paying the mortgage but it's his house and I'm assuming you're not on the deeds-thus have zero rights over the property should all this go tits up? He's stitching you up good and proper here.

He gets the benefits of having all his expenses paid, his kids paid for and looked after-and not having to pay for his investment as you're doing that for him. So, he gets to keep his money and his asset.

This is financial abuse. Please seek advice from Women's Aid and get out of this as soon as you can. This isn't a matter of having a discussion with him-he's shown you who he is-and what he truly thinks of you-act accordingly.

Wolframandhart · 29/10/2024 20:48

As stupid as its going to sound I'm still with him because I love him
he doesnt even like you.

at times he does make me feel happy and safe
he shouldn't as the only bill in his name is the mortgage. Is your name on the house deeds? The only bill his name is on is the one that can make you and the children homeless.

Pessismistic · 29/10/2024 20:46

Your situation sounds awful he is definitely abusing you and you may love him but doesn't sound like he loves you or even like you or his kids. I would get rid and make him pay through csa he is not a real man doing this to you or his kids it will only get worse and definitely don't marry him. How does he make you feel safe? He's making you spend all your income and savings without a thought for you or his kids. You will give your children a better life on your own. How will they feel love when he's only interested in the baby. If you have a joint mortgage he's liable for half every month not just when it suits him.

FasterMichelin · 29/10/2024 20:43

Another deadbeat. Your confidence must be rock bottom to put up with that. Has he been physically abusive before? Is that why you're worried to raise it?

OhcantthInkofaname · 29/10/2024 20:39

Singleandproud · 28/10/2024 12:31

Do you love him though?
Or do you love the idea of him, the fantasy he sold you at the beginning?
Or do you love having a 'partner' and don't want to be alone?
There are no redeeming comments that you've mentioned about him at all. Apart from perhaps he is employed - but as you don't benefit from that it's a bit moot.

What was your childhood like because I can assure you no one who was treated well during their childhood would accept this so I expect you went from one abusive situation to another.

This is the question (s) you need to be asking yourself. Singleandproud has it on the nose!!

Lolaandbehold · 29/10/2024 20:30

I am not sure if I'm following. You pay all bills, including mortgage but excluding your fiance's car and unit. (What does he keep in the unit!)

The mortgage and presumably the house is are both in his name, desite the fact that you're paying, is that right?

And you're not married so this man could walk away and leave you high and dry at any point?

I really hope I'm wrong, but if I am not, you're in an incredibly vulnerable position.
That said, he sounds awful, so not sure I'd advocate marrying him either.

Sounds like you'd be better off without him.

croydon15 · 29/10/2024 19:59

Definitely not right. Are they his children or just the baby, children don't come cheap he should help you out and not let you struggle, sounds that you may be better off without him.

Awaywiththefairies078 · 29/10/2024 19:41

This really isn’t a healthy relationship. You are really struggling way too much. It’s difficult to get out of a situation like this but maybe you need to start thinking about it. You could afford it as you’re paying for everything already.
I hope your name is on the mortgage ( sorry if it’s been said, not read all the posts )
also, if this was your life why did you have another baby with him? This must have put a ton more strain on you. I feel for you. You need to decide if you can live like this for the rest of your days or if you need to make plans to move on.

MadMadaMim · 29/10/2024 19:19

Have I understood correctly?

You have 3 children together but he doesn't contribute at all to living costs? Is that right? He only pays for his car?

He has 3 children and isn't contributing. He's living on the house for free - no intilriy bills, no mortgage costs.

Does he pay for his own mobile? Who pays childcare? What exactly does he pay?

You may love him bit he doesn't love you or his children. He's found a carefree and free life.

You and the children would actually be better off if you made him leave. One less person to feed. None less use of jot water etc. and you'd get child maintenance

He's taking the piss. And you're allowing it. You are absolutely enabling him and his behaviour. You really need to think about you and your children.

I'm astounded

Newsenmum · 29/10/2024 19:01

Woah I don’t get it! Isn’t your money joint!l? Like you both put money in a joint account (he puts in more as earns more) and you use that for the kids and household?