Thinking it’s weird that his 18 year old will have the master room

@grizzleGrazzle - I do take your point about two people needing more space than one, but do you want to get off on the wrong foot with her by turfing her out of her bedroom?

It could well be a big adjustment for her anyway, having her dad's partner move in, and if she finds herself in the smaller bedroom as well, I can see that creating a lot of extra resentment. It might be better if, to keep the peace, you accept being in the smaller room. As and when she does move out, then you and your dp could swap the rooms over.

It does sound like you're setting a test for him to pass or fail.

Even if not the case, look at it in an empathetic way. You moving in will be a big deal for her. Do you really want to compound the sense of invasion by turfing her out of her room?

It is her home. You are the interloper, the "visitor", and you want to chuck her out of her bedroom? You couldn't act more like a classic "evil stepmother" if you tried!

She has been in her father's life for 18 years and always will be; you might be temporary.

With the attitude you currently have, it sounds like you moving in would be a bad idea for all concerned.

You are absolutely right to do what you think is best for your own children and I applaud you for that.

However this is a girlfriend of 4 years trying to make trouble before she's even moved in. In my opinion even without the trouble she is causing it would be a big mistake to move in with this current boyfriend and sell her house.

YABVU

Your update is grim… it’s all about the money money money. I feel sorry for the dd.

It's his house. Maybe OP needs less clothes.

I lived at home til I was 25 because I liked living there, it suited me while I studied & I get along well with my parents. I also had the master bedroom, which was my parents choice. If they’d divorced and my dad had brought a new woman into my life who had tried to push me out, I can guess which one of us would still be in his life today.

Don’t move in. You sound like a vulture. You’ve seen something that is not yours. You want it and would take it. Only it belongs to your partner’s child. It is not up for grabs. Major red flag that you cannot see how wrong your thinking is.

I agree with others - leave the rooms as they are. But what leaps out at me is that you're selling your home to move in. Please don't do this, it leaves you so vulnerable. I know someone who did similar and to cut a long story short, when they split up she didn't get any of that back and had to start again with buying a new property.

What makes you think you can dictate?

Why can't you be happy with what you've got?

You're lucky she's accepting you into 'her' home.

Watch yourself.

Likely that her new room at her partners is already bigger than the one in her flat anyway but she wants more.

I'd wait to move in until she leaves.

Sadly a lot of people don’t care about their children, so get rid the moment they turn 18. They just seem them as an inconvenience and an unneeded expense.

Well, does she have a job, and pay rent, since this 18 yo is an "adult"?

Cannot agree as your statement is backwards.

Respect of an adult in a parent's home is expected from children, teens and young adults either until the adult EARNS DISrespect, OR the parent tells their child the adult in question is NOT worthy of respect.

Children cannot be allowed to decide whether to respect an adult! They are to be taught to RESPECT adults from age zero.

WOW, no wonder teachers are having such a hard time with discipline in schools today!

Parent: "You get to decide to respect your teacher today, IF your teacher earns your respect".

Parent: "You get to decide to respect the law or the policeman". Ridiculous.

You teach them FIRST to respect ALL adults and later, as they mature more and more you let them try to decide who is worthy of respect, because they need more sophisticated analysis skills and good judgement in order to make such decisions.

And of course you teach them what people are not to be respected for 18 years: thieves, bums, child molesters, etc, arsonists. And you teach respect for those positions to be respected: (The President, Generals, Clergy, Prime Ministers...bosses who sign your performance evaluations....😉 ).

My kids could dislike some adult for some reason, like the lady next door who baked terrible biscuits and had bad breath; but they still had to respect her whether they liked her or not, because she was an adult figure in their lives.

What are you doing with the funds from your house sale? If you split up, what will you be left with?

Taking yourself off the property ladder seems like a bad idea in these circumstances OP. Can't you keep your current home?

You’ve fallen on your feet then, haven’t you OP? And now you want to call the shots. Deary me.

Then count yourself extremely lucky that you’re going to live in a house you could never in a million years afford and keep your mouth shut.

You’re not even in yet and already acting like lady of the manor.

You are not going to last long with your attitude towards his DD!

Leave her alone and your DP has made it clear her room is off limits!!! I bet you feel like you have egg on your face after asking him to turf his DD out of her room.

The entire house will be hers too in the future.

You are being grabby. Grabby. Grabby!

Speaking as an adult stepdaughter whose stepmother moved into our family home, (our father was widowed) it causes resentment. They should have bought a home together not changed my mother's.

And if I'd been turfed out of MY room to accommodate another woman it really wouldn't have gone well

I simply can’t imagine why your kids would’ve wanted to leave home at 18!

I have to be honest if I was moving someone in and they said this to me, it would be red flags immediately. Yes, you are joining the home and should feel like you are. But this is and always has been his daughters home. I'm gobsmacked. It screams that you think she should change for you.

Is her name Cinderella?

No way OP. Sounds like you'll have plenty of room in the house anyway. Marking territory with an 18yo isn't a good look. She's old enough to figure out who pushed for the change, to resent it and resent you. Teens and early adults view their rooms as sanctuaries. Let her continue to self contain for her privacy and your peace. She's an adult now so this also feels really disrespectful. She's presumably been given privacy from an adult man. You're not male but you're hardly a familiar presence in such close quarters.

If I were the 18yo I would also refuse. I'd be telling my dad how much lower my opinion was of you, too - and of him if he gave in to you. Assuming you're in it for the long haul with her dad, can't you wait for her to move out fully? Even with more adult DC staying home, she may not.