Partner wants to wait until 2025 to discuss this?!

Well done.

How you promote it is your choice. You presumably will do this outside of work at weekends?

Is this a technical book based on your work or a novel?

Neither of you is wrong. But you obviously each have very different ideas about what you want/expect from a long-distance relationship, and for that reason, I don't think this relationship has a future.

If he's under a lot of pressure and unable to focus right now, is there any harm in waiting until January? If you get to January and he still doesn't want to talk then the reply should be 'you don't prioritise this relationship so let's call it a day'.

Crikey. Divorced with years of marriage behind him (in your words) and a Uni professor, I was expecting older, not just 31.

I don't know what to say.

' I am getting lonely eating all my meals just by myself back home too.'

and this is probably the whole issue.

you really do need to accept he is just not that into you, and find someone who is.

@VioletW
Do you think it's possible he plans to wriggle out the relationship in January once he's free of his study, and has deferred telling you, because a) he didn't have the band width and b) he's enjoying the benefits without the commitment c) he's a bit shady?
Honestly, I'd look for someone nearer and more into you.
Good luck with your book project

You have so much going for yourself. Honestly, stop thinking so much.

Is he older than you, @VioletW ?

Not ridiculous if the guy knows his girlfriend has a modus operandi as demonstrated on MN over the past few months!

Yes, I think it's ridiculous to need to book an appt for something like this

@VioletW Can I suggest you spend some time reading all your other threads about this man? And the advice you got.

Nothing in them, or this one, suggests he is as 'into you' as you want him to be.

You're probably going to accuse me of being harsh. I'm not. I'm trying to help you see that this is not going to work out.

You're coming over as desperate for it to work. You're deeply insecure and clingy in this relationship and he's aware of that. Nothing turns a man off more.

Please read your own previous threads. This has been an angst-ridden relationship almost from the word 'go'.

Good relationships don't need this amount of 'advice' and taking soundings.
You'd know if it was right. It's not. Your other threads show that.

Don't waste your fertile years. There is a chance that in January he may say it's not working for him. Are you ready to take that risk or be the master of your own life - not what he wants?

Exactly this. He is coming straight to you for a whole week after he has delivered his PHD and then wants to talk about more time with you in January which I assume is tied up with his viva. He will be absolutely up in the air til then as I am assuming his professorship and his whole academic future and job security is tied up in the value and success of his thesis.

Huge pressure.

You've said "he won't talk til 2025" in a dramatic way @VioletW but really the timescale feels reasonable. You appear to do a lot of navel gazing. Don't create drama where there is none; especially in such a new relationship. Focus on the positives, see friends, crack on with plans for work, the ho0bby, the book etc etc.

It's not about talking about a future together. My partner was making comments about how much better everything was with me around while we were in your position, before he proposed which was a complete shock when he did. The point is I knew he wanted to be with me, I knew he wanted to spend every second with me even when he couldn't. He made it clear whether we were together at the time or not just by his simple comments not by the serious ones.

Oh back end of a PhD is hard, you’re under an enormous amount of strain and barely have time or headspace for anything else. I’d give this some time and see how he is after his viva. Don’t jump into dumping him just yet, find some patience.

Does he initiate talks about the future? Not in a forced or serious sit down way but in an organic way, for example if you've had a Cosy, comfortable evening together just sat on the couch watching tv, just saying he can't wait for this to be your everyday. In other words does he mention an every day future of the 2 of you together, not visits to each other or holidays but the mundane stuff. I ask because in our relationship it's one of the things that means the most, the being able to do nothing together, to relax and chill, to work side by side doing what needs doing - even the housework. We can go away together at any time but it's that life together we both crave.

Why on earth would any sensible, grounded person be 'all in' or 'committed' after only a year of sporadic long-distance dating?

Especially when the topic is moving your entire life and promising marriage and children!

OP reckoned 1 week per month, let's say for 1 year, that's around 12 weeks of time spent together. They barely know each other!

In those threads she was unhappy about so many things to do with his behaviour, going back over a year.
It's just sad she can't face up to the reality of how it reads to others.

Then she need to drop him and move on - this is still early days relationship when everyone is on best behavior and if it's this hard it just not worth it.

VioletW if your early 30s and want to find someone to have family with - this is clearly not that relationship and more time and mental energy you waste on it - longer it will be before you do find the good one you want.

The moving closer is a red herring.
Its far more fundamental than that.

The OP has many many threads about this relationship. (I was alerted to them by other posters.)

In those threads she was unhappy about so many things to do with his behaviour, going back over a year.

It's just sad she can't face up to the reality of how it reads to others.

Agree. If he’s not all in after the PHD, he’s not committed.

I'm not saying I won't move but emotionally need time to process what that would look like if I did and also what locations are possible for both of us.

So get clear - several posters have said this guy is not only finishing a PhD so super stressed but is also autistic - clear communication would be vital not obfuscating behind I need to think.

Work out if you will be willing to move.
Then work out where you would be willing to move to.

Do a pro and cons list.

He needs time at minute to finish PhD your entering a busy period - take time and space and do the thinking.

Then accept this may mean the end of the relationship depending on what you decide. Dancing round not being clear for for months on end you up just end up in the same position but older with less time on your side.

I think what you really want from your posts is him in your city - but if he can't or won't move to you that it won't happen and you should move on sooner rather than later rather then you both string each other along each hoping the other will move.