Partner wants to wait until 2025 to discuss this?!

Well he seems anything but impulsive now.

Yes of course it's a generalisation, but that's because generalisations have some basis.

I don't get the impression that someone who's almost a professor at 31 would be from a community where he was controlled by his family or even the culture. If you read all the OP's posts and where he lived before, he doesn't appear to have the background you're thinking about.

That’s a generalisation - in some communities people are pressured to marry in their late teens and early 20s due to beliefs around sex before marriage (I.e devout Christian communities) or just cultural norms.

We don’t know his reason for getting married young - might have been family or community pressure, might have been impulsivity- either way, judging a person on their mistakes made at 20 is a bit harsh surely?

I'd be very wary of a man (who's clearly very bright) who married at 20 (presumably as a student.)

It shows a certain impulsivity and lack of maturity .Even if he was in love he should have realised that at 20 he was hardly a mature and rounded person.
A lot of people who are highly intelligent are also a bit emotionally flaky and unstable. It often goes with the territory.
And there's always the 'once bitten' experience that might be in his mind now.

Yes! Good advice op! A care package for him is a lovely idea but also use the time he is caught up to get some space to do find real soul searching.

I get the impression he is an interesting guy. You may find life without him is just not what you want and that will direct you in January. Equally you may find you connect to a strong desire to be a mum, which you have to then convey.

I say this with kindness, OP. He's finishing his PhD. LEAVE HIM ALONE AND DON'T CAUSE HIM ANY MORE STRESS. Send him a care package every now and again. I lived in the same town as my ex and didn't see him for a month while he finished his PhD. Have your talk in January. If it's still not right by March then you can think about LTB.

Speaking as a mum, it helps if you are more on the desperate side than the just leaning towards it side! It’s pretty seismic!

Truly op, I think you need a bit of time to turn inward and listen to your needs. Then you know where you stand when you have some conversations in January. Write down your thoughts so you aren’t tempted to be knocked off your course by his responses.

My gut is you would love to be a mum and his leisurely pace is making you panic. But if that’s so, it’s important you convey that. He’s allowed to want to prioritise his career but you are allowed your priorities. It may just be that they don’t fit together.

I genuinely thought he must be at least in his 40s.

You said he'd had a long marriage (yet he's only 31 now) and he's got a professorship. So he clearly married young.

Maybe if his career is really taking off at 31, marriage and kids aren't on his agenda for a while.

Lots of people take time over edits. You don’t know till you get them.

Oh right, not sure where I got January from then.

Has your editor indicated that you'll be doing massive edits? Mine have never taken more than a few days.

It's coming out in January and you haven't finished edits yet?

How long have you been seeing him?

I think it's fair enough to have a conversation about it you're not asking him to commit to anything just to know what the possibilities are once his PhD is out the way

Sorry … phone slipped!

I’m glad you have such exciting opportunities ahead. Grasp them with both hands and if he’s along for the ride that’s great. I just feel as though you are kind of micro-focusing on him and his responses to the detriment of your own opportunities. That’s why I honestly think some breathing space would benefit you just as much.

I’m glad youbha

Just to play devil's advocate for a moment, if he wants to be a prof and you want to be a novelist, have you considered how it might change things if you took the decision to remain childless? I can see that it would massively open up your lifestyle options and take so much pressure off in so many ways, with or without him. Obviously doesn't work if you're desperate to become a mum though.

I'm going to take a stab at assuming that creative writing is the hobby you've won an award at and which could be your career in the future?

In which case you have a bigger decision to make than this bloke of yours. Salaried project manager versus self employed author. If I'm right, then what an opportunity.

Not sure what your chap lectures in. But if he is in academia as he has aspirations to write and be published, then be wary of jealousies from his side. It might be a contribution to his attitude. And interesting he was pushing you to go for the max in your PM career - does he know you, your hopes and dreams at all? How supportive of those is he?

Op I also i remember previous threads and again it was very much about him not seeming sufficiently committed.

I do feel for you, as it is clear your angst is genuine.

What I would say however is it seems to me you have a habit of pushing at moments when he is least willing to give. It doesn’t come across as you being manipulative, at least not consciously so; but I do feel you are needy and that gets triggered when it’s most awkward for him - a bit like babies and toddlers will get needy when their mum is on the phone or are rushing round busy. They sense the competition for attention and get unsettled.

Even after so many of us commenting that he needs space at present, you have kind of agreed in form, but then gone on to say “ tonight we’ll have a cosy movie “ or “ we’ll see how the time together in December goes.” I can tell you how it will go at this rate: not well. In December he is going up need full focus on his work. And as things stand, that us going to get you even more wound up and clingy.

You are right that you should be seeking to ascertain his longer term intentions, but now is not that moment. January really isn’t all that far off for a grown woman. Can I suggest you step back until then. Rule a line and say we’ll talk then . Because someone needing cosy movies on the sofa is not going to fly in the coming weeks
You aren’t a baby. Take a deep breath, tell him you will give him space till January but at that point be ready to take hard decisions. That gives you time to think too, to see how you find things when you are putting your focus into other friendships and projects. I do think the space will be better for both of you. You are at an age where you need to start taking decisions - not in the next hours or weeks, but next six months to a year. I think this will give you both clarity.

Congratulations, OP!