Partner wants to wait until 2025 to discuss this?!

Hi, sorry to hear this. I’m 64 years old and have been with a man who sounds similar to this for 32 years. That is, a man who has often been ‘too busy’ (as a high flier, under pressure) to engage in conversation with me about matters which were important to me, but not to him. Once we had a child, it continued. I’ve been in some extremely difficult situations, that I have had to manage with very little emotional support.

For me, the refusal to listen and talk is the worst element of your situation. It won’t change if you stay with him. He wants to avoid emotional intimacy. I have had a great life in many ways, and a very good lifestyle. However, I have been lonely. If I had my time again, I would leave, biological clock aside. I think you are still young enough to find someone else. Very best of luck.

I would not want an ultimatum if I were him,it’s a bit feety stampy and unreasonable
You know he has a lot on (Ph.D) why can’t it wait until Jan for conversation
There need to be mutually agreed compromise and visit schedule that you both agree to..

op I think the conversation could have been had now to reassure you. Along the lines of I’m really busy with this phd but I really see my future with me and will be massively upping effort to show you that/ coming to see you more.
I don’t really get waiting to have a conversation.
Also, no matter what, when you really like someone not sure how you can go 4 weeks or longer not seeing them. Obviously if you’re forced by a job overseas or something but not by choice.
I’m glad you’re not just drifting along and letting your 30s slide away. Well done on that and your book!

How long have you been together?
doing a PhD and work is incredibly stressful so I can understand his need right now to prioritise this briefly.

id wait for Jan and make clear time appropriate commitments and you being his number 1, it does sound like he is trying to better himself. I think you either need to be clear and then supportive, or possibly back away.

I agree hard as it sounds he's not committed to the relationship, just dump him

This is a good question, I think. Irrespective of when you finally sit down and discuss the way forward, I think it would pay dividends to have a clear idea of what you want as an outcome, what you could live with, and what really isn't going to work for you, OP. That's something you can (indeed, should) decide on your own, even if what then follows becomes a negotiation, depending on how different factors weigh against each other.

I agree with the suggestion of stopping going. I think ironically it both gives him the space he needs and simultaneously makes op seem more like something he shouldn’t let go of. Nothing wrong with a bit of old fashioned “ hard to get” op - and in this case it works for both of you. If you keep pressing for attention when he’s busy - and he really is; listen to the academics on here - you will just become stale and annoying. Go do your stuff for a couple of months - and let him call you. Send him a care pack, answer his calls, but don’t become a chore.

Has he got a reason why he wants to discuss it in January?

You said he is at the end of finishing his PhD? I do know that this is extremely stressful and certain things for many people have to take a back seat when studying and undertaking these sorts of qualifications.

If that is the reason, or one of them, is it possible you can wait until that is over?

I suppose it's if you think the reason is good enough to wait. However, I don't think you should wait until January to hear the reason. That sounds rather unreasonable in my opinion.

It's not an issue of right or wrong.
He's not ticking Ur boxes. That's all u need to know.

Hi op,

you are right and maybe others might disagree about the chasing but I do think that men like to chase what they want. So if he isn’t chasing you, you are making yourself too available for him and probably nothing good will come out of it.

Stop going. If he asks…postpone the conversation to March 25, after he answered your question. If he flares up, cut ties. If he likes you said no to his bs, investigate?

good luck 🌺

Ewww.

No one goes to family at Christmas of someone who is just a leg-over horse. Ignore op.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable for him to ask you to wait two months to have a big conversation until after the dust has settled after his PhD, and after what will likely be a very busy December. He might need time to get his own head around what he wants. Give him a chance.

Probably less relevant than it first seems, but here we go: My mum and her partner of 40+ years lived in different cities, 12 miles apart. She would spend a few days there, he would spend a few days here etc. As they aged, we could see the mental decline and warned them again and again that they should make a decision about where they wanted to live. They ignored us, he was sectioned against his will as he was a danger. Lost his house to pay for care. My ma is still in her house but I doubt it will belong to her for much longer. They haven't seen each other for 2 years as his sons moved him to the other end of the country. Think. You will not be young for ever.

My main issue now is him wanting to wait months to talk about something I want to resolve asap. Should I just say no actually, this is important and I need to talk now?

He has already given you an answer and his workload is high right now. In his case I wouldn't want to add a difficult conversation to my todo list and I would be pissed off if someone kept pressuring me to do what I have already said no to.

You can't make people do things they don't want to do. You can either accept it or break up, those are your options. Pick one.

I've been doing a lots of self reflection and learning over the last year OP. One thing that sticks in my head is " when someone shows you who they are and what they feel, believe them". If he doesn't want to talk right now he's not invested. Sorry 😔

Dear OP, this is not realistic thinking
Men who have women for holidays and visits and a week when it suits them, are usually men who have their women where they want them. That is not nice for you, if you want more of this relationship

He's keeping you sweet to get his quarterly leg over, OP. Stop being so naive. He's using you. A relationship shouldn't be this hard, or as far apart from one another. You've both put yourselves in a ridiculous situation and he's realised it already and just settled for a few days annual leave now and then for a leg over.

When will the long distance finish, as in what is the end game? Who is relocating?

I couldn't have a man like that. I had the boyfriend who ticked some good boxes when was 32, so wanted to become a mother asap;

so I just told him I need a husband and all that , is he for it or not , because if not, he will be out

I think she is thanking everyone for their time.

Yep. Absolutely this.,

The worst time to make demands is coming up to Christmas time.
Especially since you know he’s under pressure at work.
That would end the relationship quickly.
Men don’t like being forced into situations whether in work or in a relationship and from what I have seen in your original comment that’s exactly the way he will feel about it.

"Six decades of life has shown and taught me a lot."

Your words, not mine.

And she thanks everyone. She's very polite.

Enough now with the offensive stereotyping. Intelligent people are no more or less likely to be unstable than the population as a whole.

It's a shame your six decades of life experience haven't taught you when to stfu.

My granny’s favourite saying
“if a man wants something, he’ll find a way. If he doesn’t, he’ll find an excuse”

You know what to do OP.

If you enjoy the time you are together and you think you can rely on him even if you meet only every other month, I would rather you wait until Feb 2025 before bringing this up for discussion or worry much.
During the time you are living apart, if it helps then do more planned face time . That way you can get early indication if there is any commitment issue and cause for concern.