Partner wants to wait until 2025 to discuss this?!

Were those rewrites to submit or rewrites after the Viva? If the first, his Viva would probably be now in January. If the latter, he's almost done. Minor corrections are usually 3 months, major could be up to a year, but he'll know shortly after the Viva.

I'd hold on until the Dec visit to discuss this in person.

His PhD will be taking up his headspace along with the job and if anything I think he's being honest in saying he can't invest time in travelling/meeting up in Nov.

I don't see this as a deal breaker at all unless there were other behaviours that made you question his commitment.

I think if you’d mentioned the phd in the opening post, you’d have slightly different responses. A new job and finishing the PhD will not leave him much time. It won’t be forever then. You won’t be a priority for now. That’s pretty normal when someone has to finish a paper.

Once he’s only got the job, he will be able to see you more, surely. Then you can justifiably make requests. You don’t sound very empathetic to the stress he is going through for now and would rather just add to it by pressuring him. Why not give it till the New Year? It’s not far off?
You’re more likely to drive him away nagging. I know your clock is ticking but 8 weeks won’t make a difference.

Exactly. He may be painfully aware that some phds get rewrites.

I really feel for you OP. You're a bit older than him, and unfortunately women have time-pressure if we want to have children, which men don't have. For various reasons I didn't start trying for a baby until 37/38, and for various reasons it took a couple of years, and I was very lucky to have a baby, at 40, fertility is just going down by then; it was a very stressful time. (I find having a child very stressful as well - baby, toddler, child, pre-teen, teen, onwards - all challenging, and I don't find the phrase "it gets easier" to be true at all.)
It might be time for a real talk about life plans. Though this might just scare him off. Best of luck OP

I don't think the conversation was "shut up and wait" but "can we please talk in January" for what OP said. He might be hopeful that he could move nearer to OP after completing, he might have be thinking of approaching universities near her for hourly paid teaching in the second semester. He might be waiting to hear from some. If it's hourly paid, temporary work, they usually confirm late December or early January for work starting at the end of January or start of February. There might be a reason he wants to wait until January and perhaps he doesn't want to say in case it doesn't materialise.

Going forward OP, when you ask to talk now and he offers January, reach a compromise of December instead.

Don't have him dictate the course of the relationship as your ways count too.

I know he has since said December but the initial reaction isn't great. Asking you to wait two months for a regular relationship conversation isn't putting you first.

Yes he's doing a PhD but he's not the first, last or only person who has to deal with stressful deadlines and hold down a job/family etc.

Even just explaining why it wasn't a good time would have been helpful.

Sounds like communication isn't great at all. How do you not know why he's marriage ended?
What if he's ex was tired of him never making time for the important conversations she wanted to have amongst other things?

Also, if he's freed up from the PhD early November, why can't you have the conversation then?

Sorry but a lot of people who come on here with relationships ending also thought they were in a good place before the bombshell.

Could he be seeing someone else and needing more time to decide who to stick with?

I know when a man loves and wants you, they'll make sure you know it, no matter what.

Congrats on your novel, but as others have said, put yourself first and hopefully it's a positive outcome.

Let him submit his thesis before bringing it up again. It is a stressful time and you’ll likely both say something you don’t mean and will regret. Is his viva scheduled shortly afterwards? If so I would let him focus on that. It’s a lot to deal with and once it’s done it’s done.

If he's st the end of a PhD AND doing a F/T job then No, you're not the priority right now. If you love him then support him through this time. You have a week in Dec anyway. But make sure things change in Jan.

Yes I agree it’s complicated. And that only adds weight to why he doesn’t want to grapple with all that just now.

Lots of people are saying he should be able to jump in with a statement of intent. I am sympathetic to op’s wish for this. But equally there are a lot of threads on Mn that are not happy ones and seem to stem from relationships that started exactly like that, without full contemplation of the circumstances. Just now there is a stepmum thread; she wants to holiday without her stepchild, just her, DH and her own Dc, because she hadn’t realised how hard being a stepmum would be. Well, you have to do that thinking beforehand, especially where children are in the mix.

Secondly, and here I’m wading into territory I am happy to be corrected about, but the ASD people I know do seem to me to like to take decisions as a very carefully weighed and much more methodical process than I perhaps might, and can be less intuitive with those issues. I feel as though that has some relevance here too?

So he’s 31 just completing his phd and not living in his home country in Europe. He could be French he could be Italian he could be German ..etc and maybe he has long term commitment in his mind about returning home and setting up a family there? This happened to me with a German we never resolved it, neither of us wanted to be a passenger on the others ship. And we still love each other. ever and even apart.
Living in a country whose language is not your first is massive. So I empathise with both of you. Traditionally young women have thrown in their lot behind the man and followed him. That’s not where you are or what you want. And he might not want to do that either. It depends how traditional each of your desires are.

Yes, this is exactly what I've been thinking. Completing a PhD is all-consuming, if he saw more of you he'd presumably spend less time writing. Many institutions have tightened up their time frames for completing doctorates so it's good that he's working hard. I'm not sure how far along he is (haven't read all your posts) but when does he have to submit something?

Well I quite enjoyed it! I wasn’t quite sure what the intended tone was but it was fresh and not without some honest advice.

He’s not your partner, he’s your boyfriend. You’ve never talked about living together in a real way, as you said. It’s possible that you are thinking of this relationship in a long term sense while he isn’t. You don’t say how long you have been together, but in most relationships where both people are on the same page about long term commitment and moving from just dating (which you are) to being in a committed partnership, a conversation about taking the next steps would have happened. The stress of a PHD isn’t an excuse to not have had that conversation if he’s as serious as you are and if you’ve been together a long time.

Absolutely agree.

My ds & his gf live 3-5 hrs apart. They spend about 6-8 weeks apart then 2 weeks together usually at her home as she doesn't drive. They speak on FaceTime daily. They have been together over 10years. It works for them but wouldn't suit me.
It sounds like your fella is focusing on finishing his studies. If you can I would reevaluate the relationship in January when he can focus on your future.

What a peculiar writing style you have DeBretts meets The Lady.
Keen to seal the deal? It’s not used car lot. No woman is a deal or a trophy
What are you waffling on about with your peculiar advice about creating unnecessary drama whilst daydreaming about diamonds
One can only presume you’re being frivolous with your advice for impact and/or mirth

DH and I were 4 hours apart. For the first year he did most of the travelling because I was finishing uni. The next six months I did most of the travelling as we were getting a flat ready and he'd started a new job.

Travelling is stressful. And when you're also stressed about something else (eg finishing your studies, starting a new job, family etc), it can seem impossible to fathom.

Relationships are given and take. When I needed to be static, DH travelled. When he needed to be, I travelled. If this is the relationship you both want to be in, it sounds like right now it's your turn to shoulder the burden, but later it'll be his. That's just how normal, healthy relationships work. It's not 50/50 100% of the time, it can't be. But you support one another.

2025 is only two months away. Enjoy Christmas, enjoy New Year and have the serious conversation about whether you're both in it for the long haul next year. What advantage will having it now give you, other than to likely cause both of you more stress and upset over the holidays?

As someone who works in academia and has a phd, I’d say wait until he submits his thesis and see if the behaviour changes.

Also, I would discuss plans to move closer together, is there any chance? Long distance can work only for a specific time and if there is another plan afterwards.

I think OP should be terribly unavailable. It makes men wonder what you're up to and with whom. In desperate situations, I have known women leave the country to show they were not readily available - some man once confessed that 25 years ago he followed his now wife 11,000 miles and proposed. Since they are not even in the same country right now, OP should be cutting down visits and perhaps is rather unavailable in December. She should cut down any calling or texting or whatever way they communicate. It's not logical but people often want what they can't have.

Of course, in Mumsnet land you should go out with men for simply years and years and if they don't come up to snuff with a proposal, you should ask them as otherwise you are too passive (somehow men are not passive by not getting on with it) and full open communication is the the key to a healthy relationship. You're meant to be pathetically grateful even if it a cheap ring because otherwise you're just being materialistic and greedy. I personally think keeping your mouth firmly shut on some matters is a much more likely recipe for harmony. You don't have to say every thought that pops into your mind other than of course you don't want that ring with the tiny tiny diamonds.

It is, of course, preferable to find a man who is keen on you and is keen on settling down. They are so uncomplicated. They want to spend time with you. They say what they mean and they mean what they say. They don't tell you that they'll talk to you in January. They are keen to seal the deal. After all they know that a delightful creature like you might have your head turned by some other suitor if they delay.

Is he planning to propose at Christmas and so therefore things will need to change and he is not wanting to give it away in a conversation beforehand. 🤷‍♀️

Finishing a PhD and working full time? That’s a huge commitment. Cut him some slack.