Partner wants to wait until 2025 to discuss this?!

Sorry but I completely disagree.

The responses aren't divided between people who understand how busy life can be and people who don't. That's extremely patronising. I have a PhD and understand how busy that period is.

But this guy is in a relationship with someone that he apparently cares about, and his partner is upset and needs to talk to him. That takes priority. A conversation does not take long.

You don't say "shut up and wait two months". That is not a good way to treat someone you care about.

Don't stay in a relationship with someone who wants you to keep quiet about your needs/ put them on the backburner.

I had this in a previous relationship and it was always "not right now" because there was always a reason - a family event coming up, work was too busy, blah blah.

A conversation with his partner is not going to take a lot of time out of his precious, busy life.

If he can't find the time/ energy for that, then it means he can't find the time/ energy for you.You need to make this happen or he will just walk all over you.

If he's indecisive then fine but he needs to be a big boy and actually talk to you about that, not just string you along.

I agree. DH had to more or less put life on hold during the last 6 months of his thesis.

I’d wait and see how things are when he has finished his phd. Huge amount of work and that’s where his head will be at the moment.

"He's finishing his PhD and it makes me feel like I'm not his priority"

Well in truth you aren't his priority at the moment. Finishing his PhD is. And to be real after he's submitted, decompressing and finding a new job will also be priorities for him, though he'll have more time and mental energy for you. Then perhaps moving for the new job, and settling into the new job will be priorities for him.

Hopefully you will be up there in amongst the list of main priorities after he has submitted- only time will tell. But for the next however many weeks and months, he does has other priorities, even after submission.

You have freedom of choice to decide if he's worth the wait and for how long you will wait. If it were me I'd wait, but make a real effort to channel my energy into occupying myself in other directions and deprioritising how much of your focus goes on him for now.

Relationships ebb and flow, sometimes one partner needs to be more supportive e.g. pay more to see the other in your case. Then he is going to be supportive of you next year and put aside work to come travel with you for your work.

I was going to ask why ao clear about wait until 2025 now I know it's the PhD. Just be patient and wait and if after the pressure eases off he is still not committing enough time and effort make a decision.

He doesn't need extra pressure from you on top of working and finishing a PhD he needs your support.

The additional drip feed of the PHD changes the situation completely. Rather than it sounding like he just CBA it now sounds like you are putting pressure on him at a hugely stressful stage of his study. If you love him enough and think it is worth waiting for then leave him be for now.

You posted about this before, it was agreed that you would see each other fortnightly. Then he didn't stick to it, this hasn't changed. You want him to prioritise you and he isn't.

Either you continue to visit him monthly and he visit every other month or you end things because you're not happy with doing 75% of the visits.

Poor bloke. Sounds like he barely has time to piss for the next few weeks.

Next year is soon, if he has started a new role and is finishing his PhD then of course he will be busy and stressed, just hang on till next year. See if it changes and then reassess. In the scheme of things a few months is nothing.

He’s working full time and finishing his PHD
he doesn’t have the time
he must be under a lot of stress and pressure
and your just adding to it

If his PhD thesis has to be submitted in Jan or even Feb that's one hell of a drip feed!

OP, MN loves nothing more than to see a relationship ending, and they love even more being able to tell a woman how not interested the man in her life is.

He’s finishing a phd, he’s only not going to see you for four weeks, and then you have a week planned together. I don’t know what your plans are going forward, but if the relationship can’t withstand a couple of weeks apart then long distance isn’t for you.

I’ve been with DP for just over 11 years, and for logistical reasons we’re not in a position to live together.
We do see each other every weekend, but there have been times when we haven’t. The relationship survived two lockdowns, and at the moment we’re not in a position to talk about how we can be together permanently because my youngest is still at home with no idea when that will change, and he’s worked for the same company for 30 years, in a niche industry which isn’t transferable.

If you can’t handle that at this point there are more important things than you then you run the risk that he will be the one who walks away.

If this relationship ends up being long term it will have to withstand far stronger tests, such as family bereavement, possible illness, any other curves which life throws our way. If it can’t withstand a couple of weeks apart then it will never be able to withstand anything serious.

Those saying he's not in to you haven't read your massive drip feed that he's finishing off a PhD. That'll be a huge stressor for him and will take up all his focus. If you really care for him you should give him space to complete his thesis and stop piling on the pressure. This is a very important time for him and he doesn't need a GF stressing him out with 'me, me, me'.

Give him space and if he then starts pushing back once the PhD is over then you have your answer.

I think if he's studying then that says it all really. Let him get his work done and be patient until new year. He will.get a good job which will help you both for the future.

Do you have a longer term plan for him to live with you or you to live with him? He's not treating your relationship as a priority when he acts like this

He’s not that into you. Don’t over complicate it. End it. You deserve more.

Btw I’m not saying you shouldn’t be a priority OP but there have been times in my marriage where I really had to prioritise myself, my husband understood and took a supportive role instead of complaining that his needs weren’t met.
I’ve done the same for him.

I think if you had to be your own priority at any point you would expect him to step back and just support instead of loading more to worry about on your plate at just the worst moment. It’s the ebb and flow of long term relationships. For me it’s been worth it because it’s built trust that we have each others backs.

If he is study and working it’s be tricky for him.

I think you should wait for your week in December to plan a head. If you have a nice week then plan for the new year. If you’re still unhappy then end it.

Your last sentence made me change my vote to YABU. As you say, he’s under a lot of pressure to finish his PhD and working. Why would you want to put him under more pressure? Let him finish his PhD, it requires a lot of focus and I can see why he would want to prioritise it. If he doesn’t come up to scratch in the new year then you need to reevaluate but for now I’d personally leave the conversation.

That's the vibe I was getting.

He's at the end of finishing a PhD as well as working so he is under a lot of pressure but it doesn't make me feel like a priority
Poor man. He just sounds stressed. Why don't you let him finish his PhD and then discuss it then.

I think if he is otherwise a good partner I'd cut him some slack on this one. His PhD should be his priority now, I'm assuming he has put an awful lot of blood and sweat into it and needs to finish it. I'd be a bit annoyed if my partner couldnt understand that.

He’s at the end of his PHD whilst working, it’s not like he’s not doing anything. Honestly I would have this conversation in December once it’s finished. He probably doesn’t have the headspace for much else. He is probably scrabbling for time as it is. Working and studying is not easy, especially towards the end.

If you are really keen then I would wait a bit. It would be pretty easy for him to say “after this is done I’ll have more time to come to you”. On the other hand if I were working and finishing up my PHD and my boyfriend wanted to have relationship chats at just that critical point I would probably let him go because I’d think he’s always going to be asking me for more at a point when I don’t have much to give. It would scream “I don’t have the imagination or empathy to understand how much stress you are under”.

Yep, me too. Begging for his time at outset of relationship can't be a nice feeling, and doesn't bode well.