Partner wants to wait until 2025 to discuss this?!

"Most people target one, well executed and from a highly esteemed university" Will Cambridge University meet your criteria? 😀 My initial comment was about the strangeness of (what I felt was an) excuse based on one's PhD studies. I've known many other PhD students engaging with important aspects of life during their PhD research. Afterall, generally, PhD students are not teenagers -- and matters of relationships are important, especially if one of the partie feels "left out" !😀

Well if you’re planning on having several cracks at it, a doctorate probably isn’t such a big deal. Most people target one, well executed and from a highly esteemed university and that’s more than sufficient to set up a good career. Perhaps he’s trying to launch off just the one.

Oh because every woman is just wistfully waiting for a proposal…
Proposal and marriage isn’t the zenith of a woman’s life or ambition. Nor should they be.

Maybe he’s planning to propose over Xmas and doesn’t want to spoil the surprise?

Genuinely I did long distance during covid. I was struggling wanting to end it , he told me wait until ( was 4 months ahead) and he'd arranged a house to fit us all as a suprise. I hope there is something similar for you because all the other things feel like he's into you

Hopefully this will be the case otherwise I would find someone else

I was being sarcastic about the partner (who is making PhD studies as an excuse for not discussing matters of relationships till next year!! That's not right, in my view. PhD studies do not prevent you from talking to your partner on matters of importance. As I said, I should know!! I got married while doing one of my PhDs and had our first child!! So PhD is an excuse -- and not a nice one, I feel.

You said it was an illness.

I SHOULD know: I have three of them (=PhDs), in addition to BA Hons, MA, and a few other degrees and PG Diplomas!! 😀

Think you're barking up the wrong tree it's a further degree.

What is PHD? Some kind of chemotherapy? Surely, he should have some time from his PHD requirements. I'm speaking as someone who has had THREE PhDs in his younger days!! So I should know what kind of all time-consuming illness this PHD lark (shameless excuse) is. Don't fall for it!! 😧

I agree with this, apart from I'm on the DH side of this. I can't deal with the emotion stuff when I'm under pressure I just want to focus on work and my daughter. Sometimes you just have to push things aside for a bit. I do have a partner, we don't live together but been together for 6 years. He gets it.

His words and behaviour are in conflict. He may treat you well when you're together, but saying he can't even manage to 'have a conversation about it until January' implies that he hasn't made his mind up about where your relationship is going, and wants to keep you on side until he has finished his PHD so that he has your company when he wants it.

You could suggest taking a break in your relationship until he finishes his PHD, as this uncertainty about the level of commitment he is prepared to make long term is causing you distress/anxiety, and though this may be difficult for you to do, it might hopefully jolt him into realising how upsetting you find the situation and how serious you are about needing a commitment so you can plan your future (not unreasonable desire for a woman in her 30's), and then he might realise he is in danger of losing you and will either commit finally or break-up, which will release you from this stressful scenario, but if he just shrugs and says 'o.k, we'll put it on hold until January without seeming upset' then i think you can take that as a pre-cursor to breaking up also. I hope you manage to resolve this situation without heartbreak.

Something doesn't seem quite right in this reluctance to be together more often and longer?

Is he into you? SaTC

This is think is a great explanation. Men are fairly starightforward if he's invested he'll make time for you

Move on, you’re convenient because he has someone but doesn’t have to commit to much to them.
You can do better than this

This is beautifully expressed and I agree with it entirely.

This is exactly how I am! If someone pressures me when I'm at peak full headspace, I couldn't cope with it!

All rather odd.
Does he have a whole other family elsewhere - a wife and kids perhaps??

Maybe he IS genuinely into you, but just can't break his other ties and get away more often.

Failing that, i agree with others - he's just not that into you. He sounds incredibly cavalier about the situation!!

How much do you actually know about this man?

Tell him he needs to give you some straight answers NOW, or just end things. Doesn't sound as if this will ever progress into a meaningful LT relationship. You deserve better. X

I wouldn't necessarily say that his way of thinking is a male trait but people often fit into logical/theoretical ways of thinking and others are more sensing/emotional. My husband and I are exactly this; when he's under pressure, he doesn't have the headspace and/or desire to deal with emotions or drama whereas when I'm in such a situation, I need affection, care and support. I've learned that when he's on a deadline or under a lot of pressure at work, that is not the time to be asking for or expecting major displays of affection, having discussions about where to go on holiday next year and even worse analysing our relationship! It just doesn't work for him and ultimately it ends up with me getting upset too. The best way that I can describe it is that he compartmentalises things into mental "boxes" so that he can prioritise them and deal with them logically; whereas I have just one big box of emotions that are all impacted by each other and connected.
It isn't a case of degrading the relationship because of the way he is; it's just taken me years to fully understand the way he processes stuff and it's not personal - and ditto me. We're different!
I'd say, right now is not the time to force this conversation with him; get the thesis out of the way and other deadlines and show that you understood why and you might be surprised when he does have the headspace, he will have the time to focus on you both and also appreciate that you gave him that space when he needed it.

This!

YANBU. Absolutely not. You have time together between ie and the new year soo why the wait? I’m assuming you are looking for a way to compromise and find a solution that suits you both? This should be a good thing- it shows you are interested in sustaining your relationship and feel secure enough to approach him when you have an issue to discuss. But his reaction suggests he anticipates this is going to be a stressful conversation and he’s trying to delay it as much as possible. Perhaps he knows you aren’t going to like what he wants to do, or he just don’t want to compromise. Maybe reassure him that this isn’t about making demands but finding a way you are both happy and your relationship can grow? His reaction just seems off to me.

I suspect you'd have fewer problems and much less angst if instead about worrying about scaring him off you were open about your boundaries and needs so you can both work out where you stand.

If you are not on the same page - better for you both to know that so you can make hard choices. Though pick a time when neither of you are completely stressed and distracted.

My long distance relationship stopped being long distance when we reached point we were both sick of travel and distance got too far - we had the frank discussion who was moving and I was unhappy at work and other factors so said yes I'm willing to move to where you are but - as we were already engaged - it's a risk for me and I want the wedding date set - he said how soon I said how soon do you want me to move up there - he booked date next day with date few months ahead just enough to sort things - worked out I moved up week before in end but with everything booked and families informed.

I told him very clearly what I needed giving him a chance to counter offer or do what I needed.

If you want to give Germany a whirl - look at how it could be made to work for you - what you could get out of it and make sure if it goes pair shaped you normal longer lifestyle isn't adversely affected - and work out what you need from him to make it worth taking any risks.