Partner wants to wait until 2025 to discuss this?!

If he's busy and stressed and wants to wait until next year then it's a bit nonsensical to try a force a conversation and commitment out of him now. Of course he can't comply with that.

A looming PhD deadline is far more important for him to focus on - it's the culmination of many long years of work, and the gateway to his future career. Juggling it with paid work as well is incredibly demanding. I'm impressed he's making as much time for you as he is, tbh! But if it isn't working for you, of course you should end it, but please do so quietly and cleanly.

To me you come across as someone who doesn't listen, or understand his life, or respect his needs. You don't sound very compatible at all.

People with an affinity for research often have rich inner worlds, and correspondingly less need or ability to focus on others. If you have to be the centre of the universe for your man, then don't pick a deep thinker, as they have entire other worlds to play in.

I really hope he doesn't allow himself to be distracted or coerced by the dramatics of a newish girlfriend in a long-distance relationship!

Yes, this is odd. If he is serious why can't he discuss it now and tell you that he is serious but I has to get his PhD in and that he understands you're keen but he just needs this few weeks and then he'll be ready to make some more concrete plans for going forward - perhaps with some rough ideas of how that might look?

But he's not, he's just not allowing the discussion to happen and is delaying it. I don't think that bodes well. I would leave him for now and if he's interested post PhD you can give it another shot maybe

As soon as I read he's finishing his PhD I thought YABU. No wonder he's stressed

I’ve not read all the other replies but I’ve got quite a lot of direct or indirect experience dating academics doing PhDs or similar. I’m really not surprised to hear it is all consuming for him. I’d try to be supportive and patient during it, but to be clear things need to change once he isn’t consumed by it anymore, and that he still needs to attempt to prioritise you.

Exactly! A PhD is HUGE. Pretty sure OP would expect her partner to support her if the situation was reversed. I’d be proud of my DH if he was approaching the end of a PhD, not finding things to argue about at every turn to give him unnecessary drama. It’s a few months! You’d think he was asking for a decade.

That isn’t relevant to this situation unless they got married and had children in the last few months of their PHD. And even then that’s not ideal and must have caused those couples unnecessary stress. The exception doesn’t need to be the rule.

If he is doing a phd and working he must be under a lot of pressure hence the let’s talk in January.

You can only tell if he is committed to the relationship or not.

Life isn't a Disney film you know.

You think he should sack off his PhD for love? Fucksake.

Or...

He also views it as being long term but has spent 3+ years on his PhD and just needs to get it done so he can move on to the next stage of his life.

When you say he wants to wait until 2025 to discuss, that sounds dramatic. 2025 is two months away. 1 month of which you aren’t seeing each other anyway.

He’s neck deep in finishing his PhD. His PhD! This isn’t the morning word search, his entire academic career has led to this. Dig deep. I’m sure you can manage to wait a couple of months.

If after that he’s fluffy and non-commital, sure by all means, re-evaluate. And please stop listening to the “but your EGGS! They are degrading with every passing second!!!” It’s two months. Let’s keep a bit of perspective here, and as someone else said, are you sure he’s not asking to wait until then because he is planning to propose? Christmas/NYE is a very popular time to get engaged.

Don’t wait for ever but wait a couple of months. You’ve made it this far and for all you know could be ending the race on the final straight with the finish line in sight.

@VioletW you've posted about your boyfriend more than once before.

Are you sure this really is the relationship for you.

She is a grown up and it is her job to manage her own feelings not his.

He has been clear about not seeing her for November but they have a week away planned in December. He has said he will be in a position to have that conversation in January when he will know the lie of the land well enough to give guaranteed answers. Maybe that's when his PhD will be complete.

And, tbh, we don't know how many of these conversations have been had, how pushy the OP is nor how kind and caring her boyfriend is because we only know what she has told us.

He could have already given her all the reassurances in the world and it still not be good enough because she wants to feel like his top priority regardless for all we know.

I’d want to know why he can’t discuss this topic until 2025

I've watched my close friend try and make two long distance relationships work in her 30's. The first one was with a Phd student and his work was always deemed the most important, so she altered a lot of her life doing much of the travelling as her job was more flexible, and eventually moving down there to live with him, but by then he had developed feelings for one of his colleagues as he spent so much time at work so they broke up. The second one was a similar thing - the Bf's important job took priority and she ended up doing a lot of the visiting as he was under so much "stress", and he wanted her to make all the sacrifices and sell her house to move down near him, meaning nothing in his life ostensibly had to change but everything had to change for her and she was shouldering all the risk. In the end that situation came to a head and they split. She now feels she wasted her childbearing years on trailing around after these men who ultimately didn't want to alter their lives to accommodate her.

What's your longterm plan? Do you want to move together eventually?

Sounds like you are viewing long distance relationship with a view to being together. He views long distance as a convenience to compartmentalise at best.

I was all "LTB" until I saw he was finishing a PhD. It's normal for him to have no time and no headspace. Don't expect any sensible discussions until it's done.

He has time fertility wise, you don’t so much!
Does he really care, I doubt it, I would just say I need to know

Sounds like he doesn't have the headspace to see you in November as he has so much on. It is not a long time to wait. If when he has finished the Phd he is still making excuses then reconsider, but for now I think patience and giving him space is a good idea. In any event, being needy and pushing it when someone has set clear parameters is never a good look.

You are more interested in him than he is with you. This is not an equal relationship.

You can make all the excuses you like, deadlines etc, when a man truly loves you, he will do anything to be with you.

My DH is doing an on-line PHD and juggling a job - there is a lot of work to do, lots of deadlines. Cut him some slack or cut him off

Yes but he is still not approaching it the right way by just telling her to wait.

She's obviously upset - he needs to do something other than just ignore it for the next two months and expect her to be OK with that. That is not caring or helpful.

I did a PhD and I did have to focus 100% for a couple of months at the end. I didn’t see my boyfriend, family or friends. I worked on it everyday stopping only for food, exercise, sleep and a couple of hours relaxing (usually junk TV). I needed to stay immersed in it or I’d lose my thread. There is no way I’d have been able to get married or have a child in those last couple of months. Different people are, well, different.

Oh is this the university lecturer? If so, just stop and leave him alone. You have been on his case for months about how much effort you put in and how little he gives back. You are completely smothering him.

If he needs to finish his PhD and he’s working I can see that there might need to be a period of h focusing on that. Writing up a PhD is a lot of work and you need to immerse yourself in it fully for long periods of time. Doing that and working full time is a lot.

That said, I don’t understand;

1. why if you are together now, why he can’t talk about the future and what his hopes are for you both.
2. Why you can’t both travel 1.5 hours for lunch every couple of weeks. 3hour distance is nothing.

I think either his head is just too full (I didn’t see my boyfriend for two months when I was finishing my thesis - basically did it all day everyday only stopping for food, sleep a couple of hours TV and exercise) or he’s controlling this for some reason.

I think if you choose to push for more time and forward planning at this stage of his life he might just throw in the towel on your relationship. You know that he is working and doing a phd so either you take on more of the travelling and agree to give him more time to actually get these things done or you complain that he's not putting enough effort in to you and add more stress to his life. This is not forever so if you want to keep this relationship give him some space to breathe. It will benefit both of you.