Partner wants to wait until 2025 to discuss this?!

Why are you long distance? Presumably there's something more important than him that's keeping you where you are instead of moving.

I don't think he's being unreasonable at all.

You sound very needy.
Can't you see how busy he must be??

If you want to force it, you should do the traveling.

He's doing a PHd .
You're with him for a week now taking you into November.
He's coming down for a week in early December
He's coming down again for Christmas .

I don't see what your problem is , he's obviously very busy with the PHd , so doesn't want a discussion now which will probably turn into an argument .

Give him a break !

Just finishing an phd and working?

This is an absolutely major undertaking which will take a lot of his time and his mental energy

Really you should be asking "how can I best support you" not making demands of your own

I just think that telling your partner "not right now" when they are clearly upset is uncaring, even if you are busy. There are more gentle and helpful ways of supporting each other AND doing what you need to do.

If the relationship is too much for him, then he needs to tell her now, not in two months - it is cruel to keep her hanging on.

If he doesn't want to end it, then he needs to make some efforts to help her feel reassured right now, not leave her suffering for two months.

That might not involve spending the weekend with her, or a "big" conversation, but it should be at least a reassuring conversation. If he doesn't have time to even speak to his upset partner then he really shouldn't be in a relationship at all.

Even if he can't cope with the mental load right now, there are kind ways of communicating that which don't leave your partner floundering.

I'd back off until the PhD is done & dusted. You're not getting a true reflection of who he is, what his values are & how important you are to him at the moment because of the study pressure. I even struggled to make headspace for my children in my final 2 MA terms, so I can only imagine what it must be like for a doctorate. My (non cohabiting) partner speaks about that period of our relationship as if I was away doing a prison sentence & TBH, I can see why. I'm glad he 'waited for me'.

At the moment the PhD is the priority. It just is. Those last weeks are the most stressful, the culmination of years of work and a lot of money (even if funded by someone else). Be as demanding as you like from 2025 but I think it would be unreasonable to insist on his prioritising you now.

"What can I do to help?"
"How can I make the next couple of months easier?"
"Do you need anything?"

All he is hearing is "I want to talk, I want you to change, I want you to come to me..." at a time when he is going through the most stressful and time hungry phase of his career so far.

Give him his couple of months to get through it. Then negotiate (not demand) change.

Depends what you want from him, ultimately. Sounds like he wants to keep things quite casual, are you happy with that? You'll have the space to pursue a career and do other things. I'd probably wait until January in this case, as other than you missing him a bit, there's no particular rush. Short term, I'd consider travelling to him more.

If you're looking for commitment, moving in, maybe marriage and / or children, I'd be much more concerned with the attitude. If you're supposedly acting as a "unit", he should be seeing you more. If you were living together and he was "stressed", he couldn't just go months on end not making any effort of doing anything. But doesn't sound like he sees it this way tbh.

He's finishing his PhD and working, he's probably at near break down. That's a huge commitment. If he messes up his PhD that's years and ££££ down the drain, give him a break.

Och, the Phd isn't the issue. But let's pretend it is - OP, tell him you've decided to take a break from the relationship until he is free to be all-in - i.e. PhD done. And mean it - cut all contact. You may find life is easier without him and all the pain he is giving to you.

It isn't 'needy' to want a real life boyfriend rather than a fantasy one. He isn't available for a relationship, whatever the reason. He's being unfair carrying on a relationship of any sort, IMO, when he doesn't have the bandwidth for it.

I'd like a swimming pool in my garden, but I don't have the time or finances for it. His metaphorical swimming pool is full of leaves and the water is green, but he's still happy because he can say he's got a swimming pool, and he doesn't plan on swimming in it himself anyway.

@VioletW - many posters are egging you on, saying you’re not a priority etc. But does your need to have this conversation really trump his need to concentrate on his PhD in the run-up to its December deadline?

You want to plan for January and February but in the context of a 3 year relationship which you’ve nurtured and which is going well, from what you say, can’t you just be a bit more relaxed about January and February arrangements?

For me, if you want to show loving support, let him focus on his PhD. If I had a massively important deadline for something that’s involved 3 years’ work, I would be quite pissed off if my partner created additional pressure on me in the way you’re suggesting. It’s already nearly November. 2025 is only about 10 weeks away. In the bigger picture, it’s not long to wait.

Obviously, if things continue in a non-committal way in 2025, that’s different but it doesn’t sound like they will. Things have worked well till now.

If a man wants to see you he will make the effort to try and see you

are you sure you are exclusive?

When DH was working and finishing his PhD, we both prioritised the thesis over time together.

When I was finishing my PhD, several years later, my priorities were our kids and the thesis and DH barely got a second thought.

It's not about how much he pays for or where he takes you. It's about how committed he is to seeing you more often. He has shown you he is not committed to giving any more than you have, he won't even discuss it. I'm not sure what more you need to hear? This is not going to change. You may not want to jump straight to LTB but you're already living the alternative.the real question is how much more are you prepared to commit when this is all you are going to get in return?

I think finishing a phd while working full time is quite a once in a lifetime type of business. lots of people I know say their phd was the hardest thing they have ever done.

I think I would let him know you understand and can shelve a “big chat” till January but in the meantime you’d like to know if he thinks it’s something that can change or if he thinks it’ll be similar to this, say throughout 2025?

How long have you been together and have you discussed any longer term plans to close the distance (one or both moving?).

The rest of the dynamics aside, a PhD plus working is a huge undertaking and him saying let's talk in 2025 is because he's snowed under, he probably needs to just use all free time and focus on that, and while it's not nice to be put on hold, I think it's quite common with people doing their PhD and working.

My sister went off the map when she was finishing hers and got really stressed, her fiancee at the time (now husband) said it was like getting her back again after she'd handed it in. I'd give him the time if you like him, he will have so much more time and mental bandwidth once its handed in, and have the chat at the earliest you can in 2025 and go from there.

Yeah... nagging someone who is TRYING TO FINISH A PhD and has NO space in their brain for anything else (and working as well!!) is really unsupportive. (I was in a trans-Atlantic long distance relationship while I was finishing mine, btw, and we saw each other about twice a year - and then got married after my first postdoc). I think you are being ridiculous. Talking in January clearly means "after I hand in when I have time to think again". You are being very selfish.

Fair point, I do too, but they weren’t getting married in the very final months aka the most stressful part. At that point they were completely off grid until they finished!

A month doesn't seem that long to me, if you are LD you can't expect to see each other every month 100% of the time.
If Things crop up.

This is the bigger issue - life beyond the PhD. Early career post PHD posts are notoriously unstable and not well paid in the U.K.

What do you want from posting numerous times about this relationship (I assume he is also the university lecturer) .. he clearly has a busy teaching career plus studying for his PhD and you are coming across as rather needy and demanding ... what exactly is there to discuss? He's made it clear that he doesn't want to allocate trims to see you until the December trip ... if you seriously can't wait that long and feels he isn't prioritising you 'enough' then leave the relationship.
Making more and more demands isn't going to suddenly make him WANT to spend more time with you ... Haven't you got anything else to focus on in your life apart from your boyfriend?

I'm sure you've got the message by now OP but I agree you need to cut him some slack until he's finished his PhD. Keep yourself busy until he's submitted it. Then suggest a couple of nights away for relaxation and celebration and reassess then.

I'm another one to say to cut him some slack as your boyfriend is probably very stressed. Also to cut yourself some slack as it's understandable to feel frustrated and to question things.

Only you know how you feel about him and all the positive things about him/your relationship that are worth holding out for. From what you've said it sounds like there's a lot of great things and that it's just managing the next few weeks that are making you question his commitment to you.

As others have said a PhD is a huge commitment & can be very time consuming - it flips between swimming through treacle and a pressured sprint. Getting over the line is exhausting.

If he's managing his studies, a new job and a long distance relationship he'll be under a lot of pressure. He'll be stretched logistically and emotionally. If you can and you think he's worth it then give him the time, space and support to finish his PhD. He'll appreciate your understanding and it will strengthen your relationship in the long run.

If you can fill your time with friends/family and you time and see how you feel in the new year. Maybe use this time to really think about what you need and want longer term.

His priority at the moment is his studies

that’s doesn meant he doesn’t love you but you have to decide is that enough

some partners often play second fiddle to their partner careers but their commitment is shown in other ways this might be your type of relationship but is that enough for you, both of you have to be happy with the relationship and you have to make a choice