Partner wants to wait until 2025 to discuss this?!

Yes @coffeesaveslives I was thinking exactly the same.

He's been married before, does he want to get married again? Does he want to have babies with you? Or anyone!

Early 30s you don't have time to waste on a man who isn't sure what he wants. By the time he confesses he doesn't actually want to start a family you'll be screwed.

Maybe he plans on solvng the issue over christmas/new year with a proposal?

@VioletW A few things jump out at me from your posts.

One thing is your age. If you're in your 30s and want children with this man, you need to have a plan to live together soon. It's not clear how long you've been together, but all this talking about how frequently you see each other seems to only be focusing on one issue. Yes, it's an important one. Long distance relationships can only work if you're both committed to making the effort to spend time together as often as the distance, your work schedules and your finances permit. When I was in a long distance relationship we tried to always have a plan for when we would next see each other and never go more than 3 weeks without one of us visiting the other if at all possible. We also took turns to visit each other. But we were still in our 20s and getting married and having kids wasn't yet urgent. Once we turned 30 we knew it was time to commit or end it, which meant finding a way to live in the same place.

The other thing that strikes me is your reluctance to move where he is because of your family/friends and theatre group where you currently live. It's fine to care about those things, but I expect your partner also has strong ties to where he is. If he moves to where you live, he will no longer be close to the people he is currently close to, he will have to change jobs, if he has locally based hobbies he will have to leave those behind. You seem to be saying you aren't willing to give those things up for him but expecting him to give those things up for you.

This is something you cannot both win. If you are going to live in the same place then one of you is going to have to move to where the other lives. If neither of you is willing to do that then your relationship has no future and you are wasting each other's time. And if you're in your 30s and want children then you can't afford to waste each other's time.

He's said he wants to talk in early 2025. So leave it until early 2025 and then have a serious conversation with him. Essentially, you need to agree between you who is going to move to where the other lives, and what your timescale is for doing that. If you can't agree on this, ask yourselves very honestly whether pursuing a long distance relationship is a good use of your time. Especially your time. Because you don't have all the time in the world to have kids. If you stay in a long distance relationship which isn't going anywhere for another five years, you might have lost the opportunity to do that.

Well then neither of you have time for each other in November so why is it just his fault? He's the one who works and is doing the phd but you still think he should take 6 hours out of his weekend to travel to see you.

I'm afraid most posters are totally wasting their time responding to this.

OP has been posting about this relationship for months, responds for a while before abandoning the thread and starting another one a week or so later.

On 30 April this year, OP wrote 'Been with boyfriend 6 months'.
By 12 June it was 'Since we started dating nearly a year ago'.

Sounds like an online connection that eventually became an official tangible thing, but always long-distance.

OP, how much time have you actually spent together face to face as a couple, if you add it all up?

I don't think there's nearly as much here as you've told yourself there is. You may well get what you want, but I don't think you'll be happy in the resulting relationship.

PhD deadline is a big drip feed! When's he handing it in?

He sounds stressed. Reading all your updates I’d give him till Jan, you’ve both invested a lot in the relationship he just sounds stressed at moment and unable to think beyond finishing his PHD. But I’d be really clear then what you want and to plan going forward. You could lay the groundwork this week. Say we don’t have to discuss it now can wait till Jan but just state your position and what your looking for so he can mull it before then

Yep. Exactly my thought. You need to face it, OP.

My DH is just completing amendments on his PhD and it has been all consuming. Having said that we've still had days and nights out together, but we live together (obviously!) so we're not factoring in a three/six hour round trip. I think you can only know where this relationship stands once his PhD is submitted and he's done the viva. Don't bin him off just yet.

When I am studying - I don't have the head space.

I agree with the pp that the phd was quite the dripfeed.

Surely this is a major factor, and I would have to assume that you know him well enough to know how he handles pressure and stress.

I would take a step back personally, and see how things go until next year. You will know for sure then if it was pressure related, or if he is stringing you along. But, if you don't feel that it's linked (you know him best), then start thinking about what is best for you.

@VioletW - why are you torn? It’s not like we’re in February or June 2024. You’ve seen each other 3 times in the last couple of months. It’s nearly November and you have a week together planned for December. He’s asked you to wait about 10 weeks to have this conversation. He’s incredibly busy right now.

You’ve nurtured this relationship for 3 years. Can you not just get through to January 2025 as he has asked?

He may be flaky. He may not be committed long-term. Or he may be very committed to your relationship. But forcing him - at what is likely the most stressful time of his life - to have a conversation which could in fact wait - that is likely to be counterproductive. In his shoes, I would resent it deeply. This period of time is about him finishing his PhD. That is the priority, surely.

How old are you both and how long have you been in this relationship?

If he’s trying to finish a PhD at the same time as working I would give him the space to do this and talk to him when he’s finished. He needs to focus on that really, it sounds like he’s under a lot of pressure. But when he has finished it you need a serious chat about where your relationship is going.

I don’t agree with people saying he’s not that into you. He just doesn’t have the time or headspace at the moment. If you push it you’ll make it harder for him to cope with what’s going on. It’s a temporary thing and it will pass.

I hate to stereotype about men not being great at multi-tasking but…. Also he has 2 sources of stress at the moment, try not to be a 3rd.

He's likes the arrangement you have now. Doesn't want to commit.

Not sure if you've namechanged or not but you've posted about this man before?

He's the academic right? And he recently didn't want you to come and stay with him (around your birthday)

Sadly, he doesn't sound as invested in this as you are. He seems happy to have the trips and the good times but doesn't seem to want the rest?

I'm not sure how much you are pushing him though? Your other post was very recent so you've again raised the same issue with him and been rebuked.

He isn't prioritising you and it sounds as though you need someone who will.

ignore my comment which follows as I have now read he's doing a phd and working.

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maybe he is planning a change in job which will make things easier? So he doesn't view the discussion as one he knows how to have?

It sounds like a very long winded version of netflix and chill, but you're doing the visiting and he's letting you do the leg work. Sack him off, there are plenty more fish in the sea.
I have a friend like this, she visits her TDR guy whenever he contacts (which is sporadic and can go months without contact). She won't give him up and date other people, so around the merry go around they go. Lather, rinse, repeat. Nope, life is too short. Save your sanity.