Partner wants to wait until 2025 to discuss this?!

You sound ridiculously dramatic. And language like 'a man who's madly in love and would do anything to keep a woman'?? Grow up, honestly.

You do absolutely need to be able to talk about important stuff in a timely fashion and it's unacceptable to kick the can til 2025. Maybe some decisions can be delayed until 2025 but you can still have a conversation now.

If his phd is ending in December then I would accept not seeing him much til then though. If he's nowhere near finishing it then I'd reconsider if this is the relationship for you.

I know people who've done PhDs and brought up toddlers at the same time. And yes, they worked into the night.

Look- she's there this week. What's the point of her being there if he can't spend 30 mins talking to her?

This is not the behaviour of a man who's madly in love and would do anything to keep a woman.

It's the behaviour of a man who's putting him first and presumably always has and always will.

@ClaireduLuney People work and do PhDs all the time, AND bring up young kids at the same time.
To say this guy can't have a conversation about where this relationship is going is madness.

'All the time'? Really? I'd say it's fairly unusual. And 'doing a PhD' and 'in the final few months of a PhD' are different things. Have you done one? I'd guess your friends and family members who've been in this situation required extra support from their partner or other support network in the final few months.

From the OP, I don't think she was asking for a conversation about the future. From his point of view it probably sounded like she was asking to schedule visits for early next year and he's wanting to leave it to nearer the time to see what his diary is like.

Well if you’re not interested in LTB, why can’t you then just understand he is likely to be busy until he finishes his PhD?

You can’t have it both ways and force him to see you if he feels overwhelmed.

Either you wait until he’s finished the PhD and see if things improve, or you jump ship. You can ask him to make more effort, but if he can’t/won’t, then it’s your decision whether to stay or not.

Well you’re probably not priority right now in that case. A massive amount goes into a phd, especially at the end. Truthfully, if that’s the case you’re making a pain of yourself. If he were my son, I’d be telling him you were selfish.

But he's happy for her to live there with him this week?
Have sex? Have dinner together?
But not talk about any plans for another 4 months.

No wonder men end up as entitled arses if women make allowances for them like this here.

He said she'd have it when he finished writing up.

She can't give him till January - well to have a big talk - well then I'd say it was a red flag for him. Obviously if he doesn't want to do talk in January then OP really does have an issue.

I know how much work DH PhD cost him - but many of his friends and family dismiss it as they didn't see the stress of late nights and worry - they can shrug it off as nothing.

@VioletW I'm sorry but he's treating you badly.
This is really all about him.

If he really cared about you, he'd make time this week for a conversation.

That's all you're asking for. A conversation. Presumably you have dinner each night, sleep together, etc?
So why can't he find 30 minutes to talk about this?

How do you think that will pan out if you were together?
Would it always be about him?

TBH I'd pack your bags and head home.
You're worth more than this.

He needs to learn how to treat other people more kindly and with some consideration.

I picked up that he'd been married (not sure if that's right?)
I wonder if that went wrong for the same reasons? His selfishness and being all about him?

I was about to same the same.

I've friends and family who have done PhDs while working full time and with young kids in the house.

Which is nothing like a short-term, long distance relationship. You can't compare the two.

If he going for a career in HE - he will be moving round for work for years.

So yes you do need a long term talk.

However insisting on that talk when he up to his eyebrows in work and stress trying to finish a PhD and moaning it's affecting you - where is your concern and support for him?

He's explained he willing to have the talk and asked to have it when he less stressed - if that not good enough for you - well then you have option of breaking it off.

He is writing up his PhD of course he has zero headspace. If he doesn’t get it together and submit in time it’s an issue. Plus when he is examined if it’s not up to scratch and he gets major modifications he will have another few months and have to resubmit. My ex and I were together when he was writing his up, I actually did his bibliography for him, this is many moons ago so very few references were online and it was a labour of love. I had finished studying and was working and due to him moving for his first job we lived 1.5 hours apart. We saw each other a bit but not often. We didn’t last not because of his write up but because we had kept our relationship a secret from parents. Different religions, when we fessed up it didn’t go well especially with his who wanted me to convert.

@MouseMama Your experience is very different. You were married. You weren't trying to gauge if a guy was really into you or you were wasting your time when your bio clock was ticking.

My son is doing his PhD, only in the first year, it's so much more demanding. Luckily his partner has lived with him for five years and understands that it's worth waiting for.

Good grief.

She 's asking for a conversation about their relationship and looking ahead.

I've friends and family who have done PhDs while working full time and with young kids in the house.

He's making excuses.

When my husband was working full time and doing a masters degree, we were living together but barely spent any quality time together for a couple of years. He was very focussed on work and requalifying and all evenings and weekends were spent studying or working.

I remember my sister buying us a lovely National Trust membership for the year for us as newlyweds and not being able to understand that we just couldn’t use it more than once or maybe twice at a push.

Ultimately it was worth it as those years allowed us financially to build a financially secure family life together.

It sounds like your partner is at a similar pivotal point in his career and you have a choice to be supportive if you see the long term potential or walk away if this isn’t working for you.

If he can spend 10 minutes talking to you, he can tell you he wants a future with you within the next x years/months. I can't imagine being so busy that I can't type out "Yes, you mean the world to me and I would be so happy to move in together in 2025 and plan further steps, but after I finish my PhD."

The GF went on to finish her course - dropped DH mate as soon as he wasn't around for her - and went to to have a great career.

He's busy and stressed meeting a deadline which is culmination of 3 years work and will affected his ability to find work for rest of his life.

One of DH friends was kicked of his PhD - DH says he's never heard it happening before or so late - his mate had picked up a very demanding GF and her demands were impacting his work which was extremely stressful with tight deadlines already - friend ended up having a mental health break down and never really recovered still lives with his parents.

So obviously that influence my view that if the Op cant give him some space and time till January for talk - she still seeing him in December - than frankly she should fuck off out of his life rather than fuck it all up for him.

Look, the bottom line is he can't handle talking about your future for another 3-4 months.

That tells you everything.

You are nowhere near the top of his priorities list.
Sorry but you do need to face reality.

Taking you on trips and spending Christmas with you isn't really telling you that much.

Ah the PhD I'm not surprised then. Especially with him working too. He has to get this out of the way, you wouldn't want him to fail.

So I'd say right guy bad timing.

When you did your finals weren't you under enormous stress @VioletW

2025, start it without him!
😁

You'll never "make" him be more bothered about not seeing you and it's not something you can negotiate. To quote a classic "he's just not that into you" so it's a waste of your precious time expecting that to change.