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Original poster

Husband values his sister more than me

57 replies

Anonymous5968 · 28/10/2024 00:05

For context, my husbands family are extremely close and were brought up in a religious household. When we got together I knew they were all very close and it did take me a while to get my head around the hugs at the start and end of each family occasion (meals out, meet up for walks, pop in to the house for a visit) This was something a bit alien to me as, growing up, my own family were not very affectionate or demonstrative in any way, however, I did like the public show of affection my new family taught me. In particular my husband and his younger sister have always been extremely close which I've sometimes thought a bit odd and maybe a bit too much. I found out several years ago that, after DH went thru his first marriage break up and while he was spending a lot of his time with sis, he got really wasted one night (drink and drugs unfortunately) that he tried to snog her. She obv pushed him away and he was quickly brought back to his senses.
Focusing back on more recent events, him and his sister have been going on a lot of hill climbing days out. I cant join in due to lung issues(COPD). I have never minded this at all as it gives me time to do things I am more interested in. What has bothered me (and not sure if i am just being weird about this), is that they get pictures taken by strangers at the summits of these hills and anyone looking at the pics would think they were a happily married couple. Again, just something that has niggled at me but not really a big issue.
Today though, the three of us (she's a single parent and lives just round the corner from us) went for a local walk. We got a few miles in and his sis complained about some foot rubbing pain due to new walking boots. I mentioned my foot was also causing me some discomfort due to a blister forming on a toe. we were about a mile from home so DH offered to walk home and come back to collect us in our car. I nodded and said yes please that would be good but his sis said she was happy to plod on, so guess what we did? I limped along and mentioned 'I'm struggling, I thought you were going to go get the car and pick us up?". His response kinda floored me when he said 'I only offered coz sis was in pain'. What about my pain? AIBU to be pissed at this???

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getthosetitsup · 02/11/2024 12:30

OP, you can't just throw in "by the way my husband once tried to snog his sister" 'for context' and expect people to gloss over it. That is all kinds of fucked up and a major part of this overall scenario that is a quarter of a century (+) in the making.

Phoenixfire1988 · 01/11/2024 23:33

This entire post gave me the ick !!!

NavyOrca · 31/10/2024 02:16

Anonymous5968 · 28/10/2024 00:16

Thanks for your input. I should probably add that particular event was over 25 years ago, it was added for context only. My main question was about the situation today?

Whaaaaaaaaaaaat

just…. what??!!

Pinkapie · 31/10/2024 02:09

Anonymous5968 · 28/10/2024 00:16

Thanks for your input. I should probably add that particular event was over 25 years ago, it was added for context only. My main question was about the situation today?

How did you find out about this? Did he tell you as if it was something normal to do or did DSil tell you?

icelolly12 · 30/10/2024 22:35

LastNight1Dreamt1WentToManderleyAgain · 30/10/2024 22:29

@icelolly12 over years and in direct conversation

How creepy

LastNight1Dreamt1WentToManderleyAgain · 30/10/2024 22:29

@icelolly12 over years and in direct conversation

icelolly12 · 30/10/2024 22:27

LastNight1Dreamt1WentToManderleyAgain · 30/10/2024 17:38

I know a pair of siblings who had an affair for years but I just didn't want to believe it was happening... I'd be concerned about abuse and enmeshment in the family history and how that might affect parenting

How did this come to light? Sounds like a Take a Break story

Washingforweeks · 30/10/2024 21:24

LastNight1Dreamt1WentToManderleyAgain · 30/10/2024 19:31

Who's the father of the sister's child? This is reminding me of A.S. Byatt's Angels and Insects. I am going to unwatch the thread because it's too ick. All strength to you, OP. You deserve more.

Omg good point

Washingforweeks · 30/10/2024 21:14

This is disgusting. Why the heck are you still with him???

LastNight1Dreamt1WentToManderleyAgain · 30/10/2024 19:31

Who's the father of the sister's child? This is reminding me of A.S. Byatt's Angels and Insects. I am going to unwatch the thread because it's too ick. All strength to you, OP. You deserve more.

LastNight1Dreamt1WentToManderleyAgain · 30/10/2024 17:38

I know a pair of siblings who had an affair for years but I just didn't want to believe it was happening... I'd be concerned about abuse and enmeshment in the family history and how that might affect parenting

BPR · 30/10/2024 17:34

And you married him?
Creepy, icky and honestly not something I would move on from, much less marry.

As for the lift business?
Help him pack.
How many years have you wasted on this freak?

Noglitterallowed · 30/10/2024 17:28

rb124 · 30/10/2024 13:53

The snogging his sister is a little concerning, but if they're deeply religious, and assuming nothing similar has happened since, I'd put it down as a one off caused by the drink and drugs. As for "looking like a married couple" in a photo, they're male and female, the traditional, stereotypical image of a married couple, so, unless the family resemblance is obvious, they would look like that.
The comment made regarding the foot injury's could have just been what your OH thinks of as humour, but it's difficult for an outsider to tell from a written account, but it's still a bit "off" and you're right to be pissed off about it.

Just wondering how them being deeply religious means it’s ok and down to drug induced? What if it was Kyle from the corner shop who doesn’t give a hoot about religion but tried it on with his sister off his face?

LastNight1Dreamt1WentToManderleyAgain · 30/10/2024 17:16

I'd worry about boundaries and your children and leave if you don't have any.

Calmnessandchaos · 30/10/2024 16:44

He has, essentially, put his sisters needs over yours. That's not ok.
If I were you, I'd be sitting him down and telling him he married you. Not his sister. His priority should be you. Set him some boundaries .

If that fails, then you should think about leaving. You're worth more than being second fiddle to his sister. I'm not mentioning the kiss, as others have rightly picked up on that, but I think you have a right to be upset, and a right to be heard.

Good luck.

Pumpkinsoup24 · 30/10/2024 16:29

If he hadn't tried to snog his sister then I'd have thought he sounded normal. The fact he did, and I don't care how long ago it was, run a mile and don't look back.

HollaHolla · 30/10/2024 16:29

My brother and I are close. When we were both single, we went on holiday together a few times, and shared twin rooms/apartments. There were pictures taken where people might think we were a couple, as we were happy, standing or sitting quite close, etc. At no point would I have ever thought of him in any romantic/sexual sense. He's my brother. Ewwwww. 😂

No matter how close they are, the attempted snog is the absolute red beacon here. His actions are showing his feelings. Sadly I think it's a very hard conversation with him.

Mamabear487 · 30/10/2024 16:23

Can’t believe you stayed with him after he made a pass at his sister tbh 🤮

Griff1963 · 30/10/2024 14:58

That's some very weird shit right there!

Coralsunset · 30/10/2024 14:11

Weird as fuck

YourRealAquaOP · 30/10/2024 14:08

He seems to think more of his sister than he does you.I think this is festering in your mind and you owe it to yourself to be happy and I don't think you will in this relationship.Myself I would call time and find someone who deserves you before it's too late.We are only here once

rb124 · 30/10/2024 13:53

The snogging his sister is a little concerning, but if they're deeply religious, and assuming nothing similar has happened since, I'd put it down as a one off caused by the drink and drugs. As for "looking like a married couple" in a photo, they're male and female, the traditional, stereotypical image of a married couple, so, unless the family resemblance is obvious, they would look like that.
The comment made regarding the foot injury's could have just been what your OH thinks of as humour, but it's difficult for an outsider to tell from a written account, but it's still a bit "off" and you're right to be pissed off about it.

BustyLaRoux · 30/10/2024 13:14

I am very close with my DB. I think he probably values me more than his DW if I’m honest. Their relationship can be strained at times. Whereas he is my best friend. And me his. We go out together and people often ask if we’re a couple. Not because of anything untoward. Just because we are out together and get on so well.

However the dynamic you describe sounds far in excess of this. Not the amount of time they spend together or the fact they are asked if they’re a couple (as I say me and my DB are the same), but the other stuff. The attempted kiss, even if a moment of drug induced madness which is fully regretted, is a bit fucking odd to say the least. The fact he wouldn’t get the car for you, but would for her. I am sure these are just two of many red flags. I’m sorry but it sounds like you will always play second fiddle in this unhealthy dynamic and I would think seriously whether this is what you want in life.

Lavender14 · 30/10/2024 13:08

NotOneOfTheInCrowd · 28/10/2024 07:05

In a few years I suspect the sister will be on here talking about how she was sexually abused by her brother.

I guarantee the drunken kiss won’t have been the first time.

This was my first thought as well op. I hate to say it but it's highly unlikely this has come out of nowhere. I'd be seriously concerned about the dynamics that have happened in that family as your dh was growing up and what way its affected him. I think you should leave as well. I'm not saying he's necessarily a bad guy but there's definitely major concerns about healthy boundaries here.

How did the attempted kiss come up? What was your and his reaction/conversation around it?

For me the fact he doesn't care you're in pain and doesn't see your needs would be enough to leave but the above adds another more concerning element to it as well. I don't think you'll ever be his priority and he probably needs a lot of therapy. My guess is there has been some form of SA in that household and you don't know what role he's played in that

lazyarse123 · 30/10/2024 13:03

He doesn't care about you as much as he should.
As for the attempted kiss it seems he only backed off because she did.
Leave him and find someone who values you.