Do you tell your parents your problems?

I did tell my mother my problems in my twenties, but then she used them against me so that stopped the flow of information dead. And then she became a bit needy herself and used me as her listening ear, which was not always welcome. I do tell my Dad the bare bones of my problems, just the facts, not the emotions. I have a rather big piece of information I haven't told him about a life limiting diagnosis, I'm still fairly confident he'll go before I do, he doesn't need the grief.

My daughter is on the phone to me at least twice a day, often more if she has a problem she thinks I can help with, but there are areas of her life she keeps to herself. I tell her lots of things but try not to bring my problems to her too much.

Nope, haven't told them any problems I've had since I was 17 (35 years).

I generally keep things to myself.

It's a really interesting question. I have just realised that I talk to my parents a lot but don't tell them problems.

No never. It would be brought up over and over again.

Not really, maybe not very important stuff. My mother would only worry, and then I’d never stop hearing about how the worry is affecting her. If there was something major that I couldn’t avoid mentioning, then I would, but I’d probably only tell her as little as I could get away with.

She’s also prone to embellishing stuff and sharing ‘in confidence’ with other family members, so I wouldn’t trust her with anything I would want anyone else to know!

I tell my husband everything though, he is my safe person. I'm quite surprised to hear that so many confide in their parents but not their other halves!

@Cheeseandcrackers40 I always think about the effect on the other person before I share a problem. If I think that something will upset or panic DH, I’ll probably tell my best friend instead, iyswim. Obviously sometimes you just have to tell someone upsetting things, but I try to avoid it.

I also consider who can give me the best advice, my DH is great with practical things, but not so good on emotional, he doesn’t know what to say! Whereas my best friend is brilliant.

@Thisisntme1 Perhaps they won’t need to come to you when they’re 40, for example. They’ll have their partners and their close friends instead.

I wouldn’t feel sad if they don’t need your support as much when they’re older. It just means that they’ve turned into independent, mature adults, which is surely a good thing!

I definitely do not tell my parents everything. They have a history of using things against me and trying to manipulate me into making decisions which align with their preferences. However as we age they have mellowed a bit and I am more aware of their tactics so they don't effect me in the same way so I will tell them things that feel 'safe'.

I tell my husband everything though, he is my safe person. I'm quite surprised to hear that so many confide in their parents but not their other halves!

Absolutely not. Parents would be bottom of the list and would not be told anything.

Some of us havent got husbands

I don't, because mine were neglectful and then dead.

DH doesn't, because he finds his parents invasive and his mum would add to his stress, not lessen it.

I am quite close with my parents. They are in their late 60s and still pretty able and they are there for all my children. They are genuinely understanding so I do tell them certain issues but there are also things that I want to solve without them and not to worry them for. Regarding my children, it depends. I want them to have their own personal relationship with their grandparents and not interfere with it. If they are going through something, I'll try not to say a lot unless DC want to say it themselves. But if my child was ill, then yeah I'd tell my parents about it. They'd be worried and want updates. It's definitely different for everyone because my husband's mother could not care less and we rarely tell her things.

In the past - yes, to an extent.

Now that my mum is very elderly & frail - I mostly only tell her about minor things that don’t matter.

If she brings up a long running serious problem that has existed prior to her becoming so old I just give her the briefest details & minimise.

I’m not infantilising her but I view it like dumping adult worries on a child. It’s too much for her to carry now.

I have (dm deceased) good loving parents. Pretty stable home life as a child. And yet I tell/told my parents nothing for as long as I can remember. I felt my parents and especially DM had to be protected. She was kind calm loving woman but yet I felt this way. Also shame was a factor in my very catholic upbringing and I feared being or bringing shame to them or myself. I tell my young adult DC i am here for them no matter what. There is nothing they cannot tell me and I am always their first call in any need/event. I thought this was unsual but I see from this post it’s not. DM did get upset one time when I had my period around age 12 and didn’t feel well. She seemed overwrought about changing the bed linens and helping me deal with cramps simultaneously. Its very vivid in memory and think was the mitigating event in simply not telling them anything ever. Also being in very deep trouble for losing a contact lens. Money was probably tight. I had to pay to replace my contact lens. I started feeling then I couldnt count on them but rather had to protect them. And yet we did much together as family/extended family. Wow this has me thinking…

I don't tell them much. When I try to tell my mum of any problems, she just turns it around her and how she has had it harder and has also happened to her. If I try to tell them anything about work, none of them are familiar with the private sector and how things work in the UK (we are from a different country) so it is useless.
My father doesn't talk much, so it feels like I am just talking to a wall.
I tend to talk to my DH and friends.

This is how DH and I deal with his parents (my parents are no longer with us). When we were younger, they used to hear any discussion of a problem as a request for help and advice, which was irritating as they assumed we were incapable of dealing with normal day to day issues (they are generally nice but seem to have a blind spot in this area!).

As as a result, we started only telling them about things that were already resolved so we wouldn’t feel annoyed with them. Now they are older (late 70s) with various health issues, it means they don’t have extra worries. We are in the phase of life where we are looking after them now.

My relationship with my parents was different as we were not as close, and my mum was never much practical help with advice and would get very anxious about anything stressful I told her, so it was easiest not to tell her things.

Edited to add: We once had to tell PIL something very personal about my health, asked them to not tell anyone, and at a family gathering a few months later DH’s aunt asked me about it. I was so upset. PIL couldn’t understand what they’d done wrong as they’d only told this relative and no-one else. All water under the bridge now, but it made me wary of sharing anything personal with them.

I don’t tell them important stuff unless I have to, didn’t even tell them my exh and I had separated for a few months.

my mum is a worrier and I find it supremely irritating, I’m very much not like that myself and tend to just get on with things

i never discussed anything with my mother. She was a hard hearted woman who would have given no sympathy anyway -
"Menopause - I just got on with it. I was too busy working"
"Mortgages - your father and I never needed one" Yes that's because you paid £800 for your house.
Anyone with worries or mental heath issues was just dismissed with "Piece of nonsense" being the usual comment.

I don't really talk about stuff with anyone but find places like MN good as I can be totally anonymous and can usually find somebody with a similar issue.

Yes, certainly my mum and occasionally my dad.

DH has to be careful telling his parents his problems (and I have to be careful talking to them about anything that could be construed as his problem) because they tend to weaponise things against him when it suits them.

I used to but not now. My mum is in her 80s and has dementia. Only early stages but even so. My dad is her carer so I think they have enough worries.
I would mention something like my children being ill but not really expect them to solve my problems.
Why don't people talk to their husbands/partners about problems? That seems weird

No.
My mother would blame me and support the other person if it was a scenario like that. Or would tell me I am worrying over nothing or being over sensitive. My father is too pre occupied with other stuff.
I don't have anyone to confide in.

Never. DF doesn't even listen when I speak & DM is Lady Whistledown with a megaphone. She can't keep her mouth shut and adds 'extra' added details.

I remember her just about busting during a visit. As I left she ran out tell me private medical info on a family member. Just couldn't keep it to herself, apparently.

They were very cold & detached when I was growing up. Uninterested at best. I'd just get told 'oh well, that's life... do you like the new top I just bought?'.

It depends, but generally yes. I have a good relationship with both my parents, so I share my life with them, in the same way that they share their lives with me. If they're going through something difficult then I'm glad they feel that can share that with me and that I'll support them, even if it's only by listening. Sometimes I'll tell them things about my own life after they've happened, if I think they'll worry. But my parents are good people and they have always given good advice without overstepping or becoming overly involved. A problem shared is a problem halved and all that.

No, I don't tell my parents very much, good or bad. I'm actually very secretive with them. I used to have my bedroom and belongings routinely searched by my elder sister and my mum, and I never really understood what would be seen as a 'crime' or used to humiliate me and sneer at. So I learned to keep everything hidden from them, and I still do.

I have good friends and a husband I trust with all my worries and proud moments though.

Sorry for what you’re going through with your DD.

I absolutely would tell them if there’s something going on with their grandchildren. They wouldn’t forgive me. I think they and I would find it patronizing in the extreme if I “spared” them. At that age, they’re far from unable to cope. Yes they would worry, but worry is part of life.

I hope things improve for your DD soon.