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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to feel I should have been invited? ***edit by MNHQ to say this is a reverse***

632 replies

checkeredboards · 27/10/2024 19:23

I get along well with my in-laws and I always feel included and part of the family. We live about 3 hours away from my family and about 20 minutes away from my PILs. We have a great marriage. Been married for 8 years now. I recently had my PILs and SIL over for cake for my husband's 30th birthday. Well MIL presented him with concert tickets for his birthday and said out loud, "I bought you, your dad, me, and your younger sister concert tickets so we can all go see this band that we all love together in concert yayy." I'm thinking in my head MIL prob just forgot to mention me by name because surely there's no way his mum forgot to include me in this as I would be the only family member left out and we don't have a rocky relationship we get along very well and it would be way out of character for her. But nope she didn't include me. She went on to say how excited she was to do this for the four of them.

My husband was like thanks mum I'm super excited. Which I was pretty pissed at him that he right away didn't stand by me and immediately ask what about my wife. I told him later on that I was pretty pissed because I felt like it's one thing for his parents not to think of and include me but it's a whole other layer of hurt when husband doesn't even think of me. I couldn't help myself and muttered pretty loudly so I could make sure they heard, "thanks for including and thinking of your son's closest family member you know his wife the woman he married." I mentioned that this is very clearly a celebration centered around the four of them and I was going to leave them to it. His mom said how of course I'm part of the celebration and I said well right now it doesn't really feel like I'm part of it. That's the time I felt like my husband should have supported me. I'm the one he married and lives with. He just stood there like a dumb man shrugging his shoulders. Not literally speaking but figuratively speaking.

I felt like if they couldn't afford 5 concert tickets ok fine but there was so many ways around that where I wasn't completely left out. They could have given my husband money towards the concert ticket based on what they could afford and said, "hey for your birthday I want to go to a concert as a family please put this money towards you and your wife's concert ticket." Or they could have made it just a mother son night or a father son not that way not everyone in the family is included but his own wife! Especially like I said this is sooo out of character because his parents are not the type at all to not consider others feelings or how things may look or come across.

AIBU to feel hurt and left out by the actions of my MIL and also even more hurt that my husband wasn't immediately like what the hell what about my wife? I mention MIL specifically because I know she is the present buyer for the family and she is the one who presented the tickets during the celebration. If FIL was the one who bought the family presents and presented the tickets I would have said him instead of MIL.

I feel like MIL was going back in time where their family was just the four of them but now her son is married and family functions should include his wife.

OP posts:
anxioussister · 27/10/2024 20:08

It’s ok to feel hurt (It’s ok to feel anything) - but I think you need to get really curious with yourself about why you feel so hurt?

You DO become part of a family when you marry it - but you don’t automatically photoshopped into its history to. It’s ok for in laws to occasionally do things with their children - I think especially if his sister is single then it’s nice to do things that don’t have partners.

lf you feel really disappointed to be left out is it because you wish you did more things with the four of them together? Is it because you feel like you didn’t get enough family time like that when you were younger? Or you feel like your family now aren’t as invested as they might be in spending time with you?

If I was you I would try and make amends for your behaviour with your husband and in laws. I would say something like ‘I’m sorry for reacting rudely to your birthday gift. I would love to be included family occasions like that sometimes - but I regret responding so petulantly, I hope you can forgive me’

and ask your husband to check in with his parents that you really do like to feel included please going forward.they might not have known that it would be important to you!

Candaceowens · 27/10/2024 20:08

You haven't listened to a single word of the replies on this thread, have you?

Anxioustealady · 27/10/2024 20:08

Barrenfieldoffucks · 27/10/2024 19:27

And you are not his closest family member, btw.

Who is then, genuinely?

LauderSyme · 27/10/2024 20:08

I think your muttering was unnecessarily passive-aggressive and your immediate aggrievance at not being invited seems to have excluded any possibility of you being excited and pleased for your husband.

Your posts are revealing some rather unpleasant character traits. You keep banging on about the supremacy of being married; doesn't that mean you support your other half and his family and feel happy for their life's joys?

The dynamic at family events between nuclear family members is subtly changed when partners are included. Not necessarily for the worst, but it is changed. It isn't unreasonable for DH's mum to want to recapture that dynamic on one solitary occasion. Particularly as I imagine you are capable of taking up rather a lot of bandwidth at family events.

I like my db's partner very much and get on well with her, but occasionally I do yearn for time alone with him without her being present, because it's different and valuable.

tuvamoodyson · 27/10/2024 20:07

So….are you the wife OP? I felt you didn’t make that very clear 🤔

Pinkissmart · 27/10/2024 20:07

Gosh

There are a lot of women who think their husbands should be model family men and also that they should throw away their family.

STARCATCHER22 · 27/10/2024 20:07

checkeredboards · 27/10/2024 20:06

I think what also hurts me deeply is considering my close relationship with my PILs it didn't even cross their mind to let me know what they were doing for my husband beforehand. Like they were completely tone deaf to how this may have come across to present this in front of me and list out in front of me who is all invited. It's almost like announcing hey we are all invited BUT you.

I feel like if MIL pulled me aside given our close relationship and said something along the lines of, "hey we love you very much but for old times sake I wanted to do something just FIL, son, and daughter I didn't want you to feel we don't value you as part of our family or you to be caught off guard when we came to your house and presented this." I would have felt a lot better about the whole thing. But I felt so blindsided by this and I lashed out of my hurt feelings.

I think I'm going to reach out individually to my MIL and basically state to her what I said above that I felt blindsided and not being given a heads up surprised me.

You have managed to make every element of his 30th about. 🤯

WearyAuldWumman · 27/10/2024 20:07

5475878237NC · 27/10/2024 19:42

When posters reassure mums with gender disappointment that having sons is the same as having daughters, threads like this come to mind. No man has ever posted to ask why his wife and her mother and family of origin do things without him.

If it were a women only outing, I don't imagine that anyone would complain. If men in the family were also included? I imagine that a son/husband would feel annoyed at being left out.

LookingOutMyWindow · 27/10/2024 20:06

Oh good- a post asking AIBU .. everyone says yes then OP bangs on about why she isn’t.
what is the point?!

nice one to make his birthday present all about you

STARCATCHER22 · 27/10/2024 20:06

I can’t get past the “I graciously invited them around to celebrate his birthday”

Would he have been allowed to see them on his birthday if you hadn’t been so gracious?

You clearly think that you are more important than his parents and siblings so I can understand why they may have wanted to spend some time together as a 4.

Zanatdy · 27/10/2024 20:06

personally I wouldn’t have excluded you, but at the same time i think its fine he does things without his wife. I wouldn’t have said anything, and soured your husbands celebrations

Cynic17 · 27/10/2024 20:06

It's really unhealthy for a husband and wife to do everything together, OP. Why does his birthday have to be about you? You sound like a spoilt child.

Original poster
checkeredboards · 27/10/2024 20:06

I think what also hurts me deeply is considering my close relationship with my PILs it didn't even cross their mind to let me know what they were doing for my husband beforehand. Like they were completely tone deaf to how this may have come across to present this in front of me and list out in front of me who is all invited. It's almost like announcing hey we are all invited BUT you.

I feel like if MIL pulled me aside given our close relationship and said something along the lines of, "hey we love you very much but for old times sake I wanted to do something just FIL, son, and daughter I didn't want you to feel we don't value you as part of our family or you to be caught off guard when we came to your house and presented this." I would have felt a lot better about the whole thing. But I felt so blindsided by this and I lashed out of my hurt feelings.

I think I'm going to reach out individually to my MIL and basically state to her what I said above that I felt blindsided and not being given a heads up surprised me.

OP posts:
LilasPrettyCafe · 27/10/2024 20:05

DoYouReally · 27/10/2024 20:00

You speak about your husband with a level of possession that is extraordinary.

Getting married doesn't mean you own or control him.

The invited their nuclear family. They've probably done thinks like this before and you being there changed the dynamic.

Your OTT reaction may indicate why.

This.

I suspect you and your husband don’t have the healthy relationship you’d like everyone to believe you have.

2024onwardsandup · 27/10/2024 20:05

Loving that you think it was gracious of you to allow your MIL to celebrate the day she pushed her son out 😁

WiddlinDiddlin · 27/10/2024 20:05

Yeah, YANBU and I think it was extremely rude and thoughtless to present this gift in front of you in the way that they did, at his birthday celebration.

IF for some reason they really wanted to do this and could not afford a ticket for you, they should have done it in advance, and discussed it with your DH so he could sort out a ticket for you or ask if you wanted to go etc.

I am not surprised you felt hurt by their behaviour, and to discover your husband doesn't have the balls to say 'this could have been handled better' to his parents.

purplebeansprouts · 27/10/2024 20:05

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 27/10/2024 20:02

@checkeredboards

so what is your MIL doing about it ?

hopefully she has purchased a ticket for you, and come round with a bouquet of flowers when she gives you your ticket and apologises for being a selfish bitch.

do you have children with Mummy's boy yet.

Why? She's the one who ruined the occasion

Canonlythinkofthisone · 27/10/2024 20:05

Are you sure you're not the same poster bleating on the other day about how wife trumps husbands mother?
Written in the same way.

Regardless. YANBU to FEEL left out.
Ridiculously rude and unreasonable to voice it like a petulant spoilt child. Maybe that's why you're not invited.

WearyAuldWumman · 27/10/2024 20:04

Alwayssomethingtheretoremindme · 27/10/2024 19:37

I can't believe the posts on this thread OP.
Yes I think it was hurtful and yes I think your DH's reaction was poor.

Agreed.

My late husband would have spoken up if I were being deliberately excluded in this manner. I'm probably projecting because of experiences that I've had, but the way that this was done just seems off to me.

InformerYaNoSayDaddyMeSnowMeIGoBlameALickyBoom · 27/10/2024 20:04

Between this thread and your other one it's obvious that you're super controlling.

You see your husband as an extention of you rather than as a person in his own right. You think that you should be first in all situations and you're rude to the point of abusive to him hen you feel he has shown attention or consideration to anyone else.

I'm sure you'll continue ruin this occasion so he won't bother going, so you'll get your own way in the end.

AccountDeleted · 27/10/2024 20:04

These kind of “gifts” are not great really. It’s DH Birthday but they are ALL getting the gift bar OP. So it’s not MIL Birthday or FIL or his Sister’s Birthday but DSis still gets the same gift as DH.

Personally I think the gift should have been for DH and a guest of his choice or not at all. It’s a gift but not a gift it’s a family outing. A different gift would be more appropriate.

purplebeansprouts · 27/10/2024 20:04

Sorry niche reference there.

You showed yourself right up with your comment there. You ruined his birthday celebration. The time to take it up would have been at a later date. Ask your husband if you should buy a ticket and come too etc. Not at his birthday dinner

Maria1979 · 27/10/2024 20:03

I would be happy for my Mil not to include me as I hate concerts. Today DH, Mil and DS went to the movies and restaurant together without me and other DS.
I think you overreacted a bit even though I think it was thoughtless of your Mil not to include you, or atleast ask before if you wanted to come. My Mil would always include me but maybe it's because my mum died long time ago and she knows I don't do family stuff with my family of origin. Are you close to your parents? Do you ever do things without your DH?

Skybluecoat · 27/10/2024 20:03

Are you the same American poster who keeps posting about how her DH needs to focus on her and forget he has any other family?

You seem a bit unhinged tbh.

VivienneDelacroix · 27/10/2024 20:03

Is it one of the big concerts next summer -Oasis or Coldplay? I think tickets were limited to 4 per person. So if they are seated tickets your MIL could have bought the maximum 4, and even if FIL had bought a fifth one with his email address he wouldn't have been able to get a ticket next to the other four.

You need to let it go. Essentially MIL bought tickets to a concert and gave dh one of the tickets as his birthday present. That's absolutely okay.