Mother In Law Advice

I can understand why he doesn't want to believe that his mother is a rude baggage - and she's managed to gaslight him into believing that the one incident he witnessed was genuinely her not hearing you.

From his POV, he is now stuck between believing you - so his mother is a nasty piece of work OR, believing her, so his wife is maliciously inventing lies about his mother or at best, thinks badly of his mother due to misunderstanding.

That cannot be a comfortable place to be - but he married you. He chose to be with you because of who he believes you to be.

He has never had any choice in her being his mother and probably has never considered that she may not be the person he has believed her to be all his life.

I'd be really careful raising it again, or banning her from your home, because she'll twist whatever you say (and probably has already planted seeds...)..

So I'd be extra super nice to her, and if she appears not to hear you, ask again 'Oh Deirdre, did you not hear me? Is your hearing going? I offered you a cup of tea, TEA DEAR, TEA????'

She'll find it very hard to paint you as the DIL who wants to stop her seeing her son/GC if you're always EXTREMELY nice to her and are seen to be so all the time...

You have a DH problem.

Brilliant idea.

So not helpful

I voted ybu for continuing to allow these visits. Never see her again.

I would say that if he doesn't have your back and is siding with her, I would go no contact with her and take a long, hard look at your relationship with your H. He can visit her, but she's not welcome in your home.

It sounds incredible that a grown adult can behave so childishly, but I can easily believe you because the same thing has happened to me more than once. In each of these cases DH was present and saw that his mother had come to our home, eaten the food I'd cooked yet refused even to speak to me. Not a 'thank you'. No inquiries as to how I was, even on the second occasion which was the first time she'd seen me since I'd almost been killed in a serious accident (and resulting thromboses/emboli) some months before. I hadn't expected she would ask how I was but a simple 'hello' would have sufficed. When I wished her a safe drive home, she dismissed me with a sharp gesture.

DH was mortified. This was the thin end of a very large and longstanding wedge of endless rudeness and passive agression directed by his mother toward me, and he facilitated the relationship between MiL and DC in any case. At that point DH and I agreed enough was enough and she would no longer be welcome in our home. I haven't seen her since.

DH has never confronted her. Had he done so he's under no illusions that this would have resulted in a complete schism between him, his mother and our DC, and he believes that isn't a desirable outcome and that it's in DC's best interests to have a relationship with the only grandparent they have. On this point I agree. She's his mother and it's his child too, and I certainly don't want to be the cause, however indirectly, of a permanent estrangement between them. On the other hand I don't have to see her and now don't do so. These days they all get on with it without me, and I'm happy with that. And if MiL doesn't have the closeness of relationship she might wish for with both her DS and DGC (not that she ever showed much interest in DH before DC came along), then unfortunately, we reap what we sow.

I hear you, OP.

Get a whistle and everytime mil ignores you peep the whistle.
Just testing your hearing mil, you didn't answer me.

‘I think your mums gone deaf’ would be my response every time.

Why on earth are you still letting her visit?

If someone can’t be polite to me in my own home then it’s really simple. That person doesn’t get to visit

Put a camera in the kitchen.

I’d tell Dh he can book time off to look after his own mum.

Your husband will soon take notice when you say to him you don't want his mum coming to your house again if she's being rude like that to me....I wouldn't even offer her anything no more x

Be less available during her visits.. Keep to your usual schedule and let her ds host her.. .

*goes on

The monster in law has an acidic problem with her attitude......she needs to learn to communicate with you, treat you with the respect that you deserve and stop blanking you because right now, her toxicity is curdling the situation and putting you on edge and to do this to you in your own home IS ABSALUTELY ATROCIOUS, especially as you were respectful and kind to her. This is definitely not your fault and I'm sure you know that.

I don't know what planet this woman is on but its not the same planet as the rest of us. Her conduct is rude. shameful and downright obnoxious.

To break the ice, both yourself and you DP need to show her that both of you will not tolerate this behavior and she has to change her attitude and I am sure you can both come up with a consequence because the longer this gos on, the harder it will be to break.

Advocate for yourself and Your baby. Be prepared to stand your ground with her and don't suffer fools.

God that's horrible op, I agree with others, that I would call her put on it until she answers you, or ask your husband to have a listening ear if he goes out of the room. I'm struggling to give you advice though because it's very cruel of her.

Don't offer her anything or speak to her and then if she complains say you did offer her toast etc and didn't she hear you?

Well then he’s not cleared the air and it’s caused you to be upset so she doesn’t stay again.

Personally if someone was rude to me in my own home then they wouldn’t be invited back. Dh can visit her as and when he pleases but she wouldn’t be welcome in our home.

Did you remind your husband about the time he witnessed his mum ignoring you when you ask her a direct question? Is he now saying that this never happened or is he saying that his mum genuinely didn't hear you?

This seems very unfair to you OP, as you told him that you were just happy that he acknowledged what his mum was doing but you didn't need him to speak to her about it. He's insisted on speaking to her and now it's turned back on you.

I would tell him that you don't feel comfortable having her in your home now as she can treat you as badly as she wants and then deny it and your husband will believe her.

I just wouldn't give her any toast. She'll hear you when she's hungry enough.