Have I unintentionally emasculated my partner

I think this may be something to think about. That the current situation has hit upon things he's not that good at. So I have some sympathy with him feeling a bit bad above that. I'd feel similar if my office job suddenly became coal miner or bus driver. I'd be hopeless at both!

But he needs to acknowledge this and deal with it rather than whinge about being emasculated. Someone up thread said he needed to cut the psycobabble and I agree. Explaining to ourselves while we feel the way we do is fine, but it still means we need to crack on and progress the situation. (Or have a serious conversation about do we really want to do this project)

I wouldn't worry about this too much OP. You have different personalities and approaches. He gets grumpy and stressed sometimes. Don't blame yourself for this, just let him have a moan and then carry on as you are. Not a big deal.

OP, you are a do-er, he likes to put things off. I had a BF like this, always putting stuff off which needed to be done. Master of excuses, needing to get a 'special tool', no point in doing it now, as X job needed to be done first, not the right weather to do it etc. Always moaning that there was 'another job to add to his list'. I used to comment on my neighbour being a real grafter as he just got on with stuff which BF hated! If I just got on with his jobs, he then started with the 'oh thats a shame, I wasn't going to do it that way and I had penciled it in for Saturday ' I gave up.

My Dh and I have a mix of energies too, but the opposite to you. We both work hard but he is all buzzy energy, I need time to withdraw sometimes and if I don't get that opportunity i get stressed. He could start and half finish a million projects whereas I will plod at one until completion. I've had similar arguments to this OP but it's felt to me that he wants something done in that exact moment and if I don't provide it at the moment of his choosing then I am not working with him or making him do my share, this makes me feel like he implies I'm lazy. But it may be the case that I intend doing this on Tuesday and don't want it done Monday cos I'm focusing on something else, insisting that I do it Monday is only going to annoy me. OP I'm just trying to see your situation from a different perspective.

The good news is, you've found out what he's like BEFORE having kids with him.

He's bound to be one of those guys who promises to get up in the night with the baby (after leaving you to do it for months) then sleeps through whilst you deal with the night wakings AGAIN and instead of being grateful for the good nights sleep, strops off because you "made him feel bad" by not "letting" him get up in the night 🙄 and leaves you to deal with the baby all through the day as well.

What on earth does “being a man” have to do with “providing equally”?

This is baffling to me.

Most of the sexist men I’ve met at least had some aspirations to do more of whatever they perceived as manly.

I’d be seriously reflecting on this situation op. He’s unlikely to change and if he feels threatened by your competence, there’s a very strong possibility that he won’t be faithful. I wouldn’t be making any serious financial commitments or having children.

He went into a mood about it that he felt I was essentially insinuating that he was useless

Well in this instance he was!

Does it happen often that you end up doing the bulk when he could/should also be doing?

Your power to emasculate anyone is bullshit unless you subscribe to masculine and feminine roles and abilities. Failure to listen to someone and take their views on board is different, but it doesn't sound like the case here.

Tbh it sounds like plain old sexism ingrained in even the 'nicest' man. My dh has done similar - he's generally very nice and supportive but I've noticed that tends to be when I need a hand with something - he gets a bit arsey when I'm competent and together about stuff, particularly a 'joint' project unless it's sort of typically female such as cooking or organising holidays and presents. If you've upset the usual balance he's probably irked over that but if he was to fully articulate why he'd sound like a dick. I am guilty of this too by getting a bit annoyed when my dh has taken on something I usually would, but I get a grip.

Is he a grown-up with capacity? If so, no.

As far as I can see you’re not doing anything wrong. He’s a procrastinator and you’re a doer. His whiny attitude would annoy me and that’s all down to him not you.

He's emasculating himself. He agreed to this. He just doesn't want to make the effort and is making it your problem.

He went into a mood about it that he felt I was essentially insinuating that he was useless and I was making him feel small that I was working harder than him and he is a man and he should be providing equally.

OP, my response to that last line would have simply been “Do it then”. You’re not insinuating he’s useless and not “fulfilling his role as the man of the house” - his behavior and complete lack of action is saying everything you don’t have to.

If HE is feeling like he’s not doing enough, it’s up to HIM to change that. Does he lack complete autonomy? Does he require a puppeteer to steer him to where & what he needs to do? A hand hold & a gold star?

He's a lazy and can't be arsed. That's some how your fault?

He may very well be lazy or he may be someone who wants to be sure everything is in place for the job to be done properly. If its the 2nd option then great but he has to set a manageable timescale for getting everything in place.
Likewise as you say you often don't do as good a job as he does as you don't pay as much attention to the details, you need to slow down a little and pay more attention to the details

I'd be given this short shrift. Firstly by pointing out its 2024 and we don't have special man jobs requiring special information that only the special male people can impart. You're just two people operating as a team, doing what needs to be done. But because he delays and procrastinates and has a slower pace, more of what needs doing is being done by you. And that he's very fortunate that instead of complaining about it, you have done it yourself. And if that makes him feel 'emasculated' he has two choices. Either pull his weight (your preference) or be grateful your energy and resourceful approach gives him an easy ride, stop moaning and thank his stars.

Maybe to give a different perspective, I have a very similar relationship dynamic to you, although I’m more like your partner, and my partner likes to get things done immediately to his own agenda.

Do you communicate well? Real communication where you can ask/say what you want, but also listen to the other person who may want more planning and consultation before jumping into action.

I also think people can have different needs, without having to be labelled as lazy. My DP doesn’t need as much sleep as I do, and can exist well enough on 5/6 hours a night, and dislikes sitting still, preferring to work or socialise every evening. I find existing to his timetable pretty exhausting sometimes.

The way he behaves is similar to a passive aggressive victim mentality. Instead of saying 'No, I'm not up to it' he agrees to take on the task and fails.
The part that makes it abusive behaviour is he then turns the blame on to you. Thats called DARVO - Deny, Accuse, Reverse Victim and Offender.

So it sounds like you are a doer and he is a procrastinator (or just inherently lazy?). You're not emasculating him but I'm sure he feels that seeing you crack on however that is really his problem not yours.

DH & I are both procrastinators especially when it comes to home jobs- even very minor household tasks can drag on for months whereas we have good friends who are both very proactive doers - they'll redecorate an entire house over the weekend when we didn't even manage to paint a doorframe. Yes it's embarrassing, yes we wish we weren't so shit but that's our beef not our friends and them telling us what they've been up to isn't to shame us.

Sounds to me like he felt guilty for not doing what was necessary but didn’t want to admit that so went on the defensive and criticised you instead!

Well he didn’t do as he was asked did he? So someone else (you) did it instead. What does he expect?

Does he do this at work? Not do what he’s supposed to do then sulk when it’s done anyway cos it makes him look bad?

He went into a mood about it that he felt I was essentially insinuating that he was useless and I was making him feel small that I was working harder than him and he is a man and he should be providing equally.

What a navel gazing wet lettuce. Is he going to actually crack on and help you now, or sit about all day with a sad face moaning that you’ve made him feel small.

I can only hope that you don’t have children with him and if you are planning to, this is a good insight into him, before that happens.

He went into a mood about it that he felt I was essentially insinuating that he was useless and I was making him feel small that I was working harder than him and he is a man and he should be providing equally.

You both want the project done, have agreed to a joint effort, and are moving ahead. You're doing at least your share, he's not. If he somehow can't keep up, he needs to have a conversation with you and see if you can slow down so your contributions are more balanced - perhaps set out a week by week plan (or revise what you already have) and compromise on the pace if your preference is to work hard and get it done quickly while his is the opposite.

But then he needs to stick to the plan and do his part, not put his head in his hands or disappear and fail to communicate. Also, all his psychobabble isn't helping; I'd be tempted to respond that the way to demonstrate that he is doing his equal share is by doing his equal share and the way to avoid feeling useless is by being useful.