To ask why people ghost their friends instead of just being honest?

Honestly @NuffSaidSam you should look up the words curious and understand in the Oxford dictionary. One does not compute with the other. If you don't get you don't get it, nothing wrong with that.

I don't ghost. If anything I stop talking.

I had a friend who ghosted me, and I felt like it may have had something to do with jealousy. She had split with her husband, then had an affair with a married man, then went through a series of other encounters with men that didn’t work out. I was happily married and the relationship with my DH was really good.
I also was doing well in my career and had a series of big successes, which she would often make comments about in a less than positive way.
She also often commented on my parenting, how tidy my house was, the fact that I baked a lot, cooked from scratch etc etc constantly. I didn’t make a deal of this stuff, but she always commented on it, and I think she may have been viewing me as being really “together” and I think it’s probably why she ghosted me.
It was sad at the time, as I felt we actually had a connection. I often find it hard to make time for my friends since I had children, but I did with her, and enjoyed her company, and would try to boost her up when she was going through a hard time.
At that time, I had actually just been diagnosed with a chronic illness, and I was facing lots of challenges, but she just saw me as an overachiever, and I think compared herself a lot.
Thinking back she made lots of unnecessary and judgemental comments about others in our friendship group who she perceived were doing better, more wealthy, higher paid jobs, bigger houses etc etc, and I recall some manipulative / pass agg comments and I didn’t really see the pattern until I reflected on it all afterwards.

Exactly this! 👏👏

I haven't ended any really. Haven't needed to. Because I know how to communicate. That's the point.

Well not really because that's not a very good example!

If you could clearly see they were knitting a jumper and you then asked "what are you knitting?" it would demonstrate a lack of understanding more than curiosity. There are other questions a curious person would ask.

@NuffSaidSam I didn't say it was a difficult one to work out. Being curious / having curiosity does not equate to not being able to understand. For example, today I was curious as to what someone was knitting, I understood that they were knitting but I didn't know what they were knitting. Hope that helps

I don't know about @Jumpingthruhoops but I've ended a couple of friendships and relationships in a kind way. It's not that hard to do. I've also had someone end a friendship with me with gentle but honest words and it was fine. I learned from it.

It's just communication skills. I didn't realise until today how rare they are!

But why would you ever tell someone they were boring and needy, unless you wanted to hurt them? If you want some distance you say, hey, I need some space so I won't be in touch for a while but I hope we can reconnect in a few months.

Or if you want something to change, you say what that is and discuss it with them. E.g. I feel like our friendship has become a bit one-sided and there isn't as much space for me and my needs. Can we work out how to get a better balance because I feel like it's damaging our friendship.

Or if you want to end the friendship: this isn't feeling tje same for me anymore, I think we've grown apart and it's time to end the friendship, but I wish you well.

I can understand why people ghost if they think the alternative is saying, "you're boring and needy and I can't be arsed with you anymore." But that's not the case!

With people you want to ghost because they've become boring and needy, can't speak for everyone but I think what would make me end up ghosting rather than confronting would be having some hope that this behaviour might pass and things could be recovered. Confronting them and telling them that it's because they're boring and needy would feel like something we wouldn't ever come back from. A period of distance that didn't last too long could leave things open.

@Jumpingthruhoops So how many friendships have you ended, then? How have you done it without hurting feelings, creating huge arguments, dragging things out for months? Since you have this skill, share it with us.

Oh totally. I recently heard a well-know relationship expert say that the number one reason couples divorce is because they don't know how to resolve conflict. I guess the same applies to friendships.

It's certainly a skill - and one that I'm so grateful to have.

I agree. But what I've learned from this thread and the other ghosting one is that what I would consider basic communication and respect is outside the realm of capability for many people. Hardly anyone seems to have a clue about how to establish a boundary, let alone conduct a break up.

I've not experienced this myself, but when you read so many examples of people who shy away from doing anything that might be viewed by them or someone else as confrontation, can understand why reducing or having no contact is chosen.

See, I don't buy this. You could quite easily have explained yourself without once using the words 'selfish' and 'boring'. It just requires good communication skills. I can't imagine leaving someone just hanging.

@wrongthinker I am with you on the not ghosting but it's probably too late to save the friendship by then. Too much water under the bridge.

I wrote my ex best friend a letter setting out why I felt used and taken for granted. To be honest I doubt it made an iota of difference to her. She never responded so the friendship wasn't that valuable to her which was why we were in the situation we were. I think on some level I knew that dealing with it earlier wouldn't have made any difference. It would just have ended sooner. Another friend broke up with her for quite obvious reasons, she was oblivious!

Some friendships are just not healthy, on either side. I think we sleepwalk into them sometimes and amble along without examining them properly. I am completely puzzled how some people can take, take, take without a thought about reciprocation, even though I think it's the responsibility of the giver to set boundaries. It's like we're different species.

I think tech gives us the illusion of maintaining a connection without actually doing so. We often end up living far away from our friends which is pretty inconvenient to be honest and it's easier to be spread time with the people who are local to us or if we have small kids the ones who have kids our age or the ones who will drink with us and so on depending on your situation.

Ultimately many friendships are relationships of convenience which is sad but normal. I think a lot of ghosting isn't a person deciding to freeze you out it's just repeatedly choosing the more convenient option to the point where the relationship they once had with you is no more.

It's the constant exchange in the relationship that keeps it going even if there are life changes. Both parties need to keep a check ie am I giving too much, am I taking too much.

I do agree with this. And maybe there are situations where one person lets the balance slide for some reason. But I also think that if you value the friendship, you have a conversation about that before it becomes a resentment. And if it's too late or too extreme to salvage things, you don't ignore their questions and requests to make amends. You say, no, it's too late for amends.

But I'm beginning to understand that this kind of communication is really rare. I think I need to lower my standards.

I was ghosted by a friend about 10 years ago - it was a slow fade over the course of about 18 months and when I realised what had a happened (it took me a while) I was gutted.

At the the time she was my only social contact, my partner worked away and I didn't have great friends at work I was incredibly lonely. It was only fairly recently when a friend of mine was suffering from what I was back then that I realised. I was absolutely appalling company, my loneliness had made me self absorbed, boring and needy.

There is absolutely no way she could have found a way to communicate how I was making her feel in any sort of kind or constructive way.

She did the right thing as it left the good memories of our friendship intact. It was also the kick up the arse I needed to turn things around and I now have an amazing social life and a great group of close friends.

I'm wondering whether some of the people who are ghosted and have no clue why are the same people who don't realise that friendships are reciprocal. I have come across a few people who genuinely don't think about giving what they receive and take it totally for granted. Perhaps they weren't taught give and take as children.

Things like contacting your friend periodically for a catch up, not just expecting the other person to do it. Remembering other people's special occasions especially if they've made a fuss about yours. Inviting the other person occasionally to things and offering lifts.

I do think some people get into the habit of sitting back and cruising in the friendship, then wondering why the other person gets burnt out or resentful. It doesn't have to be a major event that kills a friendship but like a bad marriage, the constant drip, drip, drip of dismissal and disregard.

I had a friend that assumed the window seat on a plane was her's and was genuinely puzzled when she came across resistance from another friend. It never occurred to her otherwise, she looked at me blankly when I suggested sharing.

It's the constant exchange in the relationship that keeps it going even if there are life changes. Both parties need to keep a check ie am I giving too much, am I taking too much.

Okay, but then if someone responds with anger or whatever, you don't have to respond? Just block them if you need to? I feel like you can't decide your own principles and morals based on how you think people will respond. If it's cruel to ghost people, it's cruel whether or not they would take a break up well.

I'm fairly confident that the reason most people on this thread have chosen to ghost is precisely because we know enough about the individuals concerned to know with absolute certainty that your style of response is exactly not what would happen. What would have happened in my case would have been more angst and drama, potentially going on for weeks if not months.

So it's not that sending the message is too hard, it's that it wouldn't have been the civilised end of the story, not by a long shot.

Had I had a friend who i had any hope would respond to a break up text in the way you say you would, I probably wouldn't need to be ending the friendship in the first place.

Who knows how they’d react? None of us are mind-readers. You’re not responsible for that person’s feelings. But some kind of diplomatic and clear communication seems kind and healthy.

Also, before you got to the point of realising you wanted to end the friendship, what I struggle with is why someone doesn’t talk about their feelings with that person? As in the stuff that understandably is hurtful e.g ‘I’m pissed off Jane’s tried to flirt again with my DH’ or ‘Ian let his DD talk badly again to my DD’ . Talking about it to avoid the building up of resentment or apathy or something else BEFORE the decision to slow fade or ghost.

Ghosting is hurtful and cruel. It says to the other person, "you don't matter. The years of friendship we've shared don't matter. You are nothing to me." It may even feel like saying, "I never liked you, we were never really friends." It breaks trust and makes you question everything. So as well as being so hurtful, the person who's been ghosted has their memories of the friendship destroyed, too. Not to mention if there are mutual friends or groups involved, the one who's been ghosted is left feeling awkward and uncomfortable about what may have been said and whether she is still welcome in shared spaces.

I get that people dislike confrontation and that it's unkind and pointless to list all of someone's faults to them, especially if you believe they can't or won't change. But if you have actually been good friends at some point, and they haven't done something abusive to you, then I do think it's unfair to drop them without a word.

Just say (text, even! email! probably better not to be an in-person convo), "The friendship isn't working for me anymore. I don't want to keep being in touch. It's nothing you've done - I just feel we're too different now. [Or, if you're going to be honest: I can't get past this thing/situation/change.] Of course I'll be civil and friendly when we see each other at book club/sports club. Take care."

How hard is that? If I got that text, I would respond, "thanks for letting me know how you feel. I'm really sorry if I've done something to hurt you, and if you change your mind and want to talk about it, let me know. Otherwise, I'll wish you well, and see you around." And I wouldn't try to get in touch again.

Of course it would hurt and make me really sad. But at least I'm being given the dignity of knowing what's going on. At least I'm being shown that I matter to that person, and that our friendship meant something. And I'll know how to conduct myself if I bump into her and that there's no drama with mutual friends.

Have to say the part about a friend not being able to change really resonates. If they lack the self awareness or ability to change, there really is no point continuing.