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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To stop my 83 year old parents driving 200 miles on Christmas Eve

285 replies

BeGladHedgehog · 26/10/2024 22:21

DH and I live 200 miles away from my parents. Have done for years. Parents now 83 years old. DM no longer drives due to health issues but DF continues to. DH and I are unable to travel anywhere this Christmas (long story). I have invited my parents to ours for Christmas but I have asked them to please take the train rather than drive. DF insists that he will drive and refuses to take the train. DF is insisting that he will drive himself and DM down on Christmas Eve, spend Christmas Day with us and drive back on Boxing Day. I think this is unnecessarily risky at age 83, particularly when the roads are busy and they will no doubt be tired. I’ve expressed my concern and said that I’m very sorry but I can’t let them do that and I can only agree to the arrangement if they agree to take a train. My parents think I’m being ridiculous. For context my sibling regularly invites DM and DF to their house which is c.60 miles away. They travel there and back (ie 120 miles) in one day, on a motorway, often driving back at night). My sister thinks is fine. I would never ask them to do this as I think it’s too risky.

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

Allfur · 28/10/2024 10:50

Your father sounds like a stubborn mule, its all revolving around his needs, because of football. Fewer cars on the road is a good thing, train travel is much better

Printedword · 28/10/2024 10:45

NerrSnerr · 26/10/2024 23:18

At what age did they lose the power to make decisions for themselves?

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Exactly, they have to be allowed to decide themselves. When my MIL was about 80, some idiot drove into her parked car, BIL kicked up a fuss. I was pleased she ignored him.

Packetofcrispsplease · 28/10/2024 08:47

My MIL drove much longer distances to see us with lots of stops on the way up and staying over at another relative for the night
She was almost 80 when she last did that , but she did gradually reduce the distance she drove after that and then stopped driving completely recently due to knee and hip issues .
I really would not fancy catching the train on Christmas Eve !
maybe they could stay at yours longer ?

Britinme · 27/10/2024 23:37

In fact DH has spent the last week repairing the plaster on a bad wall in a rental property, despite his bad back - didn't want to pay anybody else to do it so he did it himself.

Britinme · 27/10/2024 23:35

I think you are being unreasonable. I'm 74 and DH is 82. Neither of us have any problem driving - in fact last Christmas we drove 350 miles each way to spend Christmas with DS and his family, who live in a different state. 200 miles is about 4 hours driving, and as long as they can stop for a wee and a tea, that shouldn't be too hard. We don't all lose our faculties as soon as we get older.

coffeesaveslives · 27/10/2024 20:57

NerrSnerr · 27/10/2024 19:40

Without any discussion or regard to the fact that he wants to be home to go to football on Boxing Day which will be impossible on the train.

How would you feel if you were planning a journey and someone else decided your way wasn't correct so just sent you tickets?

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Exactly!

My FIL is eighty in a couple of months. He lives alone and is fully independent, drives, cycles, walks the dog everyday - the other day we even found him up the roof fixing a loose slate

I can only imagine his reaction if one of his children told him he wasn't allowed to drive to their house anymore!

saraclara · 27/10/2024 20:45

Commonsense22 · 27/10/2024 14:23

They are now mid 70s so accidents are recent. My mum is adamant the accidents are not her fault and she's fine to drive. Those pesky bollards are so careless...

Is it not a well known fact people become more stubborn with age?

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I'm going to guess that they wouldn't need to be stubborn if younger people didn't suddenly feel that they had the right to tell them what they can and can't do, and start issuing ultimatums.

saraclara · 27/10/2024 20:41

User14March · 27/10/2024 10:48

@saraclara you don’t pay for driver’s return journeys. You pay a premium for Christmas day locally for us not so much outside. Definitely worth calling to ask for best prices snd exploring options here. Could well be a win win.

I know. But the driver will factor that in to the price. Where's an ordinary taxi fare doesn't factor in a return, because they can usually pick up a gate from (or near to) wherever the previous fare ends

Ozanj · 27/10/2024 20:40

Most elderly drivers are safe drivers though. The only reason why accident rates are being compared to young drivers is because the latter dropped by 80% since the 90s is due to fewer young people learning / owning their own cars before 25. Rates are still low.

Toptops · 27/10/2024 20:34

They are adults.
It is not your call!

Toptops · 27/10/2024 20:32

InformEducateEntertain · 26/10/2024 22:26

You can only suggest to them that the train is a better option. They are adults and should be allowed to make an adult choice as such.

This

Needanewname42 · 27/10/2024 20:31

User100000000000 · 27/10/2024 17:17

Why don't you go to him? Take the food with you and all pile into wherever he lives? Even if it's a tiny place, I'd put up with it to see my elderly parent for Christmas. You never know when it's going to be their last at this age

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That's a tough one, I'm guessing it's maybe not that easy, the poster probably has kids and DGC of their own.

My DGF was similar age decided 15miles was to far to travel, despite being collected and dropped off, he came up with various other lame excuses why he didn't want to come, in hindsight it was almost like he knew, he never actually made it to Christmas.

Ilovemyshed · 27/10/2024 20:27

BeGladHedgehog · 26/10/2024 22:36

Thanks for all the replies; it’s really interesting hearing everyone’s viewpoints on this.

Agreed, I wouldn’t normally tell people what to do, but i’m so worried about my parents’ safety that we’ve reached a bit of an impasse.

I think you need to take a step back and remember that they are adults who can make their own decisions. Unless there is some health concerns you are not telling us. Older does not mean suddenly being incapable.

TheHangingGardensOfBasildon · 27/10/2024 19:49

LoobyDoop2 · 27/10/2024 07:51

This. All the people furiously defending older drivers’ rights are conveniently forgetting that it isn’t just about them, it’s about everyone else on the road, all of whom have the right not to be put at risk because some is too sensitive or stubborn to accept that they don’t have the reaction speed or stamina that they used to have.

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Nobody is furiously defending the rights of elderly drivers who are no longer safe to drive; we're just defending the rights of those who ARE still perfectly safe to drive but who are being written off, just because of their age.

How would you react if men routinely told ALL women that they "weren't safe" using power tools - what with having smaller hands to grip the handles and less strength to hold and keep them steady - and thus they shouldn't just selfishly think of themselves and should accept they need to leave it to the blokes?

Obviously, that would be grossly offensive and ridiculously sexist.

Telling ALL drivers over 75/80 or whatever that they are dangerous drivers is equally grossly offensive and ridiculously ageist.

BIossomtoes · 27/10/2024 19:47

AnnieSnap · 27/10/2024 19:23

Also bear in mind that Christmas Even afternoon and Boxing Day are actually relatively quiet on the roads.

This. The quietest I’ve ever seen the roads is the Christmas period. Oh, I lie - New Year’s Day they’re virtually deserted.

GivingitToGod · 27/10/2024 19:43

Pigeonqueen · 26/10/2024 22:24

I think if your df is in good health and a safe driver then it’s fine. Not everyone reaches 80 odd and suddenly becomes unsafe to drive. My ex in laws are 85 and drive everywhere. They’re as fit and with it as others 20 years younger. Also, a lot of people would find taking the train a lot more stressful and difficult than driving - I have health issues (I’m 44) and there’s no way I’d want to go on a long train journey anywhere.

This. I have a friend who is 82 and is as fit as a fiddle

NerrSnerr · 27/10/2024 19:40

Judecb · 27/10/2024 17:46

Buy and post the train tickets to them. I understand your concern. There's no way a driver of 83 has the same reaction speed, eyesight, attention span etc, so a long journey like this is not a good idea. They are putting themselves and others at risk.

Without any discussion or regard to the fact that he wants to be home to go to football on Boxing Day which will be impossible on the train.

How would you feel if you were planning a journey and someone else decided your way wasn't correct so just sent you tickets?

AnnieSnap · 27/10/2024 19:28

This reply has been deleted