To stop my 83 year old parents driving 200 miles on Christmas Eve

BeGladHedgehog · 2024-10-26T21:21:55+00:00

DH and I live 200 miles away from my parents. Have done for years. Parents now 83 years old. DM no longer drives due to health issues but DF continues to. DH and I are unable to travel anywhere this Christmas (long story). I have invited my parents to ours for Christmas but I have asked them to please take the train rather than drive. DF insists that he will drive and refuses to take the train. DF is insisting that he will drive himself and DM down on Christmas Eve, spend Christmas Day with us and drive back on Boxing Day. I think this is unnecessarily risky at age 83, particularly when the roads are busy and they will no doubt be tired. I’ve expressed my concern and said that I’m very sorry but I can’t let them do that and I can only agree to the arrangement if they agree to take a train. My parents think I’m being ridiculous. For context my sibling regularly invites DM and DF to their house which is c.60 miles away. They travel there and back (ie 120 miles) in one day, on a motorway, often driving back at night). My sister thinks is fine. I would never ask them to do this as I think it’s too risky. Am I being unreasonable?

Katej82 · 02/11/2024 23:35

I do understand it's a worry for you. But put yourself in his shoes are you gonna let your kids tell you what to do in 30-40 years time they may be more comfortable in the car able to stop and take breaks. I'd be well peed off if my kids tell me I can't drive I'll know when I'm ready to stop driving, no one's else. Every day everyone takes risk it's part of life scary but we wouldn't live. It's like my mum she chooses to smoke her head off she's a grown woman that's her choice her life it's not up to me to stop her doing what she wants with her life even if it's bad for her she's not in the best health but it's hers to choose. My opinion however is it's not up to anyone else good intentions or not to tell and even force other people what they do, because you said they are not welcome if they drive. That is 100% controlling I know the intent is good but you shouldn't do that it's wrong.

AmIEnough · 30/10/2024 08:20

Every case is so individual, it really does depend on his health, how active he is and whether he’s a decent driver or not. My dad is 85, admittedly was in the police force so has done all the driving courses and advanced driving and skidpan courses. He does drive more slowly now and very carefully, but I would still trust him implicitly to drive 200 miles with no issues.

saraclara · 28/10/2024 20:07

Yep, how dare he have his own preferences for what he wants to do on Boxing Day? Everyone knows that grandparents' Christmases have to revolve around their offsprings' preferences for their own little family.

soupfiend · 28/10/2024 19:27

Allfur · 28/10/2024 10:52

Your father sounds like a stubborn mule, its all revolving around his needs, because of football. Fewer cars on the road is a good thing, train travel is much better

Revolving round his own needs? To drive his own car to and from a place he wants to go?

Yes, and what of it?

I went out today in the car, it revolved around my own needs. So what?

But then of course Im a young slip of a thing so its ok, I can make those choices apparently.

soupfiend · 28/10/2024 19:21

Itsalemon · 26/10/2024 22:24

She's concerned, I would be too !

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Why, what do you know of their driving abilities

My dad drives at 87 and I would be worried about them on public transport to be honest with louts and anti social behaviour.

Isthisreasonable · 28/10/2024 19:01

Crispynoodle · 26/10/2024 23:19

Buy them first class train tickets and a posh hamper for the journey job done!

How are they going to manage a hamper on top of their luggage? If the train is rammed on Xmas eve, they'll move people into first class. No trains on boxing day.

coffeesaveslives · 28/10/2024 15:17

Allfur · 28/10/2024 11:41

can he not adapt his plans, stay another day

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He doesn't want to - he wants to be back on Boxing Day to watch a local football match.

BIossomtoes · 28/10/2024 15:09

Nanny0gg · 28/10/2024 15:07

Why can't he watch the football at yours?

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Because it’s happening somewhere else.

Nanny0gg · 28/10/2024 15:07

BeGladHedgehog · 26/10/2024 22:57

Thanks for the replies; just to answer some questions.

I would love my parents to stay longer; whilst my mum wants to, my dad won’t, as he wants to watch the football on Boxing Day.

In relation to my dad’s driving, I don’t have any recent personal experience, but all I know is he is a very aggressive driver, and my sibling won’t get into a car with him, and my mum hates being a passenger, as my dad gets in such a bad temper (this is not a recent thing - he has been like this all of this life)

RE. Me being controlling - when people’s safety is potentially at risk, yes, I hold my hands up that I might be a bit controlling.

RE the trains being busy- we would pay for my parents to travel first class, and would pick them up from the station. Again, we would love them to arrive before Christmas Eve, and leave after Boxing Day, but my dad won’t. (Sorry for the drip feed)

Why can't he watch the football at yours?

SouthLondonMum22 · 28/10/2024 14:47

Allfur · 28/10/2024 11:41

can he not adapt his plans, stay another day

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Why does he need to when he can and wants to drive?

PaperRemote · 28/10/2024 12:57

PS first class train isn't the answer - it is often the place for terrible drunken behaviour over Christmas. I do the London to York train often (first class) and it's terrible.

PaperRemote · 28/10/2024 12:56

I wouldn't go by train at Christmas either. Can you go and collect them?

OneTC · 28/10/2024 11:51

Up to them really.

BIossomtoes · 28/10/2024 11:44

Allfur · 28/10/2024 10:50

Your father sounds like a stubborn mule, its all revolving around his needs, because of football. Fewer cars on the road is a good thing, train travel is much better

Not at Christmas it isn’t. Trains are a nightmare.

Allfur · 28/10/2024 11:41

coffeesaveslives · 28/10/2024 11:29

Except there are no trains!

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can he not adapt his plans, stay another day

SouthLondonMum22 · 28/10/2024 11:37

Commonsense22 · 28/10/2024 10:51

It's just a fact of life that we all decline as we age. And become significantly less apt to self-assess our road safety.
I don't wish on any of you to have to cope with elderly parents refusing to give up driving until it's too late. The stress is real, as is the sense of responsibility to other others.
I don't want my parents to end up in prison for injuring or killing someone. Would you give an 8 year old a knife and let then play? Elderly people need monitoring and yes, some autonomy taken away where relevant. I don't want someone to die because I didn't steel their keys soon enough.

An 8 year old is a child. There’s a difference.

Elderly people are adults and get to make their own choices.

Calamitousness · 28/10/2024 11:35

I think you invited them. you must have thought this would happen. only options i see are 1) you drive down and pick them up - go on 23rd and stay over before driving back if you need to or 2) ask your sister to come too and get them to drive them down if they have space in their car or 3) accept your df will drive. my fil is 83 and regularly drives that sort of distance. he is mentally and physically fit, very capable and used to it.

coffeesaveslives · 28/10/2024 11:29

Allfur · 28/10/2024 10:52

Your father sounds like a stubborn mule, its all revolving around his needs, because of football. Fewer cars on the road is a good thing, train travel is much better

Except there are no trains!

coffeesaveslives · 28/10/2024 11:29

Commonsense22 · 28/10/2024 10:51

It's just a fact of life that we all decline as we age. And become significantly less apt to self-assess our road safety.
I don't wish on any of you to have to cope with elderly parents refusing to give up driving until it's too late. The stress is real, as is the sense of responsibility to other others.
I don't want my parents to end up in prison for injuring or killing someone. Would you give an 8 year old a knife and let then play? Elderly people need monitoring and yes, some autonomy taken away where relevant. I don't want someone to die because I didn't steel their keys soon enough.

How utterly unpleasant you sound.

User122456 · 28/10/2024 11:11

You are not your parents - they must make their own choices in life.

Hoppinggreen · 28/10/2024 10:57

Other than their age is there anything else that suggests its unsafe?
If its that alone and your Dad's driving is fine then I think you should stop trtying to tell them what to do, however if you know or suspect he isn't safe to drive for other reasons then I can see your point

FelixtheAardvark · 28/10/2024 10:57

Commonsense22 · 28/10/2024 10:51

It's just a fact of life that we all decline as we age. And become significantly less apt to self-assess our road safety.
I don't wish on any of you to have to cope with elderly parents refusing to give up driving until it's too late. The stress is real, as is the sense of responsibility to other others.
I don't want my parents to end up in prison for injuring or killing someone. Would you give an 8 year old a knife and let then play? Elderly people need monitoring and yes, some autonomy taken away where relevant. I don't want someone to die because I didn't steel their keys soon enough.

I'm not sure you realise how unpleasantly your post comes over to those of us who are approaching 84.

That's the charitable view of it anyway.

FelixtheAardvark · 28/10/2024 10:53

Carnationstreet7 · 26/10/2024 22:35

It is not " too controlling" by any stretch of the imagination 🙄

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I'm nearer 84 than not and I think it's "too controlling" by a country mile.

Allfur · 28/10/2024 10:52

Your father sounds like a stubborn mule, its all revolving around his needs, because of football. Fewer cars on the road is a good thing, train travel is much better

Commonsense22 · 28/10/2024 10:51

It's just a fact of life that we all decline as we age. And become significantly less apt to self-assess our road safety.
I don't wish on any of you to have to cope with elderly parents refusing to give up driving until it's too late. The stress is real, as is the sense of responsibility to other others.
I don't want my parents to end up in prison for injuring or killing someone. Would you give an 8 year old a knife and let then play? Elderly people need monitoring and yes, some autonomy taken away where relevant. I don't want someone to die because I didn't steel their keys soon enough.