To not let 13 year old have TT or SC

The delay smart phones movement is huge in our school so def feel like the tide is turning. My son is 10 and I know with six or seven of his friends the parents have said they will hold off getting phones for as long as possible.

@Mummyoflittledragon I have a year 12 dd actually. And she must live in another world as most of her male friends have had relationships of some description even if online…

Yes, that's the boys within her circle of friends, which is a minority of boys. If you were to look at boys across her school as a whole, most of them will be single and will not have had relationships.

An online relationship is not a relationship.

Yes, the girls send snaps to each other in a way that boys won’t send pictures to other boys. But both sexes snap. Both sexes tend to send a generic snap to one set of kids (boys / girls) for streaks or because they’re mates and individual ones to boys they’re interested in.

Seems really strange to me. I think the idea of taking a picture of yourself is very effeminate, which is why I raise an eyebrow when I see teenage boys doing it. It also stinks of insecurity, which is not a good quality for young people to develop. So again, it sounds like an app I would want to discourage.

They also use it as a method of communication such as I’m here at x place, come join me.

Yet, I can inform people of my location without using snap chat, or any photographs at all.

OP stick to your guns. No social media or smartphones for my DCs. Everyone saying they’ll use it eventually - why? I’m a millennial and I’m no longer on social media, why is it the norm? Everyone just follows like sheep, it drives me absolutely mad.

Came here to say this but you’ve very eloquently done it for me.

I’m disgusted by some of these responses.

I have a year 12 dd actually. And she must live in another world as most of her male friends have had relationships of some description even if online… and there are lots and lots of boys after her, popular or not popular. Ditto her friends. And just because dd and her friends are popular, they don’t necessarily want to go out with the most popular boys even when those boys are chasing them. The popular boys seem to want sex and not all girls want that at 16/17. Some do, some don’t.

Yes, the girls send snaps to each other in a way that boys won’t send pictures to other boys. But both sexes snap. Both sexes tend to send a generic snap to one set of kids (boys / girls) for streaks or because they’re mates and individual ones to boys they’re interested in. This seems to be the only way the girls can really communicate with boys as in the current dating world, boys ask girls out, boys ask girls to be exclusive, boys ask girls to be their girlfriend. This is just so 1950s. They also use it as a method of communication such as I’m here at x place, come join me.

Therefore I don’t think boys are wasting their time per se. Out of the 3 boys interested in dd and who dd also finds attractive, she has picked the boy who is the least popular of the 3 because she likes him the most. He is also in the head below at a different school. And that is despite one of those boys apparently being mega lusted after by the girls: a gym bunny, his demeanour oozes confidence and she says he’s a good fun. She doesn’t care one way or another for muscles (neither do her friends, it’s a misconception rather like boys only liking skinny girls) and reading between the lines, I suspect she thinks he’s too experienced and will expect too much too soon. She says the boy she’s picked is lovely to her, the nicest person in her view and that is most important to her.

As for the claim most teen boys don’t date, I am not finding the same stats and idk where you’re getting them from? This suggests boys start a year after girls on average at 12.5 and 13.5 respectively https://www.webmd.com/parenting/when-can-teenager-start-dating… But that can’t be proper dating (albeit I know some children sadly have sex very young). A UK study of 2000 adults claims the first kiss on average at 15 and first relationship at 17 https://www.indwww.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/life-events-age-study-marriage-first-home-poll-revealed-a8958996.html I can’t be bothered to trawl for hours, a Chinese study showing the average age for both sexes over there is almost identical at just over 16 https://www.statista.com/statistics/1170248/china-average-age-for-first-relationship-by-gender/.

Anecdotally I also know more than one 16 year old boy not in the popular crowd, who has had at least one gf.

Most boys don't date during their teenage years. There are a minority of popular boys who date a range of girls, yes, but the majority of boys are not involved. It carries through into adulthood as well- the data shows that even in their 20s, a large minority of men do not date or have sex at all.

I've never used Snapchat, but isn't it one of those weird apps with people taking pictures of themselves? Your DS's experience of snapchat would probably consist of nothing more than browsing photographs that girls have uploaded. That would not be worth his time at all.

I refer to my post just above about chatting whilst never actually meeting up. I don’t believe it is such a small minority by year 12, which at 16 and 17 are still classed as mid teens.

Only a small minority of teenage boys go on "dates," so DS likely won't be missing much.

Because that’s how dating is done these days. A hell of a lot happens online before face to face... much more so since the pandemic, when phones were the way to keep in touch with others.

Snapchat is used to ‘chat’ and to talk. Ie chat / talk to one another online - messages (pictorial or written) and call / facetime. Chatting to someone is different to talking to someone. Two people chatting indicates a romantic connection. If talking, it’s friendship only. It is possible to chat to more than one person at once. But once people start meeting up, it’s more usual to only meet with one person… however, strictly speaking, you can do so until exclusive or boyfriend and girlfriend.

There just needs to be rules and monitoring in place to ensure the person is who they say they are. My dd has been on and off chatting to someone 30 miles away for the past year. They’ve never met. They were keen for a while. Then it fizzled. Then it started back up again and fizzled again. For me it’s just a past time.

I disagree Snapchat is just used by teenage girls. It’s used by teens as a dating app. So both sexes.

Why oh why do teens need a dating app when they can meet potential dates at school or when they go out? Do they not go out any more? Surely meeting a potential date in person, who they know, is better than using a dating app!

Just a 👍 to this really.

My three kids have SC and TT, they are 17, 14 and 12. All the group chats are on SC and they all love getting the streaks with their friends. I randomly look at the two youngest ones SC every now and then and I've never found anything that concerns me or found anyone on there that they don't know. They are sensible kids and I've had lots of conversations about using it safely, also told them what happened to a girl near us who was lured by a predator and killed, so they are very aware of the dangers.

Obviously it's up to you as a parent but I personally think it's best to introduce these things while you still have the power to monitor it and teach them how to use it safely

My DD also said they found having a location on creepy so I'm not personally worried about that.

Parents can see if the location is on and off. So if a child was to turn a location on (they would have to manually do it in settings) then the parent can just turn it off. If my child did that I would delete the app and explain why. To me it's about explaining the reasons behind it, expectations of trust if they have the app, if they can't follow that the app gets removed.

Okay fine. Take a step back relax and look at the stats. Your insults mean nothing to me.

I’m encouraged you know educated, intelligent, open minded, positive people so you could ‘know my kind’. All the best. You stay positive and uplifting.

I assume that it can be easily turned back on then?

I won't allow SC - but have just recently re-allowed TikTok (it was banned for a long time - like a year - after DD was busted trying to get round parental controls) and they all still use WhatsApp in her friends group. I re-allowed TT as she was just going to go scroll it on her friends' phones anyway (or mine) and she's got a good understanding of algorithms and seems to spend her entire time watching videos of terrible airfryer recipe suggestions.

Personally for me it's a hard no on snapchat and tiktok. Look at what harm can come from them and little to no gain.

help.snapchat.com/hc/en-gb/articles/18416565314964-Frequently-Asked-Questions-About-the-European-Digital-Services-Act

This was brought into force in January of this year. I'm unsure when the article you mentioned was posted. As I said I only recently allowed SC for my DD. It's very different to how it used to be. As I said I believe social media still needs parental monitoring and it needs to be set up correctly. I thought it would be useful to share this as it's a recent update.

For people using it you can easily turn off the location in the settings.

What the hell have I just read?
SC - I mean, yeah it can be fun for kids but just remember that predators make full use of disappearing messages to not leave a trace and the quick add features to gain access to you young children, there is loads of inappropriate content, people can see you location and teens sending nudes is a common theme on the platform but yeah, other than that it’s absolutely fine
😳

My son is 14 and has never had any form of social media. Hes my child and therefore lives by my rules. Social media is literally destroying the brain function and mental health of our children and young people as a society. It is so dangerous. I think it should all be banned for under 18s. Problem is most parents would rather their child be exposed to god knows what depravity on social media just so they don’t have to parent their kids because screens will do it for them. The avenue for bullying that SM opens up is also a huge concern and these parents are total dickheads and are equally a part of the problem. I can’t believe a fully grown adult and furthermore parent would laugh at someone trying to protect their child. Says more about them imo. You need new friends and to be calling these people out.

My 13 year old DD will never have Snapchat but has had tiktock for about 2 years now with no issues but I have set parental controls on it and stopped certain words. The rule is I can look and check whenever I want and I do frequently.

The more you restrict the worse it will be. You need to give them freedom but have open and trusting discussions with them. Don’t be that parent who’s child can’t come to you to talk about things.

If you have the family setting the stories feed filters out inappropriate content. I checked this on my DD's SC. Just for information I can see from reading through you don't intend to have the app.

I was also hesitant about the app but like I say I check my DD's phone and it's been absolutely fine. I think it's important to check children's devices and keep communication open so they can talk to you. As you have mentioned your son had a friend that's been unkind. That can happen on any platform.

I hope whatever you decide you have found the discussion helpful.

I think as parents of teens we are in uncharted waters. I think there are 2 acceptable paths, each with its own risks and problems.

Path 1 - ban SC and TT. This needs a fairly authoritarian parenting style to enforce and ideally quite tech savvy parents. Your child will be socially 'othered' which will be no big deal to some kids but cause problems for others. Your child may try to access these platforms anyway. If they succeed they will be less likely to come to you with any problems that do result from those apps and you will lose some opportunities to discuss online safety.

Path 2 - allow SC and TT and hope you can educate your children to avoid the harms and that they will come to you with any problems. This needs a successful authoritative parenting style and, again, ideally tech savvy parents. The risk here is that you cannot foresee and forewarn against everything your child will encounter online and you can never be 100% sure they will come to you with problems - or indeed spot problems in the first place.

I think it's one of those screwed if you do and screwed if you don't situations. All you can do is your best and console yourself that either path is better than Path 3 which is to sit back and not take an interest at all.