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Original poster

Can’t live with my husband’s health anxiety anymore

192 replies

MoSalahsBeard · 26/10/2024 19:23

We are living under a big black cloud and I can’t take it any longer.

he was always paranoid about his health and death but it’s reached ridiculous levels. Every day he tells me he is dying. He is utterly convinced. He has IBS style stomach problems and has been diagnosed with IBS but for him no it’s not IBS, it’s cancer. For years I’ve been trying to convince him otherwise but I’ve hit my limit. He now reckons he’s got another sort of cancer as well that is affecting his urine.

He won’t see a dr. He won’t get mental health help. Flat out refuses to do either.

his dad died of liver cancer 20 years ago and he’s certain he is suffering the same fate.

we are living under an umbrella of death because of his anxiety. He is in constant gloom. I love him but I’m exhausted.

my reassurance doesn’t help. Getting checked at the dr doesn’t help. He has had colonoscopies and nothing changed.

I’ve told him this is it, no more, he has to get help. I said if he ends up hating me over it then I don’t care. Things have to change. He bashed a chair around then stomped off to the bedroom, put his head under a pillow and was wailing that he doesn’t want to die.

what do I do here?

OP posts:
Original poster
MoSalahsBeard · 26/10/2024 19:52

Allmarbleslost · 26/10/2024 19:41

This has been going on for years? Have you pointed out that if it was cancer he'd be dead by now?

Yep. It’s like he doesn’t take it in. Can’t compute.

OP posts:
Original poster
MoSalahsBeard · 26/10/2024 19:49

I just feel devastated. We have been together for half our lives and he has helped me through a ton of family problems including the child abuse I went through. He’s been my rock. But with this issue there is so much tension in the house. He is constant irritable and upset. I don’t think he loves me much anymore either. Doesn’t say I love you, doesn’t want to give affection etc.

OP posts:
AgileGreenSeal · 26/10/2024 19:45

I don’t think you can do anything.
He’s a grown up and he needs to see a doctor and a psychiatrist.

quirkyquerty · 26/10/2024 19:45

I could have written this post. My husband had a bout of health anxiety for the first time earlier this year. It seemed to go away over the summer but is back now, it's awful. My husband is the opposite to yours and keeps going to a and e, doctors appointments, spending hundreds on private appointment and scans. I woke up to him taking my oxygen levels this morning with a finger thing, and looking at my nails to compare them to his. It's really reached an unmanageable level, we are looking at various therapist options and waiting to hear back.

We also have young dc, it's a constant game trying to be cheery and over the top so they don't realise daddy has had to go for ANOTHER lie down (probably up there googling symptoms)

I'm sorry. It's hard xx

Noisyplace · 26/10/2024 19:44

The IBS symptoms are probably due to his anxiety, or at least made worse by. I have health anxiety too and also IBS and there's definitely a link between stress and stomach issues. The difference between your husband and I is that I will go to the doctor's about my symptoms. But I know lots of men, health anxiety or not, that won't go to the doctors. They hate it.

JMSA · 26/10/2024 19:42

I couldn't put up with this. OP, you're a Saint Flowers

Allmarbleslost · 26/10/2024 19:41

This has been going on for years? Have you pointed out that if it was cancer he'd be dead by now?

MoveToParis · 26/10/2024 19:40

So he DOESNT WANT TO DIE, but also doesn’t want to go to the doctor that might help get the treatment he needs.

Have you tried a brisk - “No you don’t, you have health anxiety that you refuse to get treated, force everyone in the house to live with, and are slowly destroying your marriage for.” alternatively how do you feel about “Well we’re all dying in a way, aren’t we, but not all of us milk it for attention. You’re going to be dead one day, and so am I, and so is everyone. It’s such a pity that you spend so much time dying rather than living”

Heronwatcher · 26/10/2024 19:39

You cannot keep a child in that environment. I agree, either he actively tries to get help or he has to leave. Could you afford to have him treated in house somewhere?

Popadomorbread · 26/10/2024 19:38

I have health anxiety and it is utterly horrendous and I am so so grateful for the support of my DH. The difference is though I am doing everything possible to get better and no manage it so much better. Medication, therapy and knowing my triggers has really helped. I’m sorry though if I was refusing to get help and behaving like your DH I would not expect to be supported. He has to get help and accept this for the sake of his family. If he is not willing to do this then I would not blame you for leaving.

Jifmicroliquid · 26/10/2024 19:38

I would worry that he will pass these anxieties on to your child.
I’m afraid if he won’t get help, I’d have to leave him, for the sake of your child if nothing else.

moonshinepoursthroughmywindow · 26/10/2024 19:38

To be fair, if he hasn't been to the doctor at all he might have cancer, but it's not your job to tell him whether he has or hasn't.

I'd just refuse to engage on the subject any more at all. Any hint of a moan or worry - "well, you know what to do if you're concerned." If he says he doesn't want to die - "well, you know what to do if you're concerned." Just keep batting it back to him. If he's worried enough to be that much of a drama queen, he's worried enough to go to the doctor. (Yes, I know if it's anxiety it's not easy to go to the doctor but just keep modelling the idea that the sensible thing to do is consult the doctor, not you.)

BCBird · 26/10/2024 19:37

I can sympathise. I was with my partner for 2 years . During this time he was depressed and withdrawn from me for a large chunk of the relationship. It nearly broke me. Hope he can seek help.

gamerchick · 26/10/2024 19:37

I wouldn't keep a bairn in that environment OP. He either goes and dies quietly and stfu about it, sees a doctor about his mental health or you part ways. Those are the options he has.

Original poster
MoSalahsBeard · 26/10/2024 19:35

I’m worried his constant gloom is affecting our child. The house is constantly anxious and tense.

OP posts:
RightOnTheEdge · 26/10/2024 19:34

I think if he refuses to go to the doctors or get help for himself, there is nothing you can do for him and you have to decide what you want to do with your life.

I know it's not always simple or possible to leave, but you only have one life and he is dragging you down.

You've told him how you feel and that you've had enough. It's up to him now whether he wants to do something about it.

Catza · 26/10/2024 19:32

You can't do anything. Don't give reassurance and don't encourage doctors visits for imaginary physical ailments. Empathize with his feelings without validating his delusions. Ultimately, he needs therapy to teach him distress tolerance.
And you need to protect your own well-being even if it means "yeah, yeah, we are all closer to death every day" response every now and then.