Can’t live with my husband’s health anxiety anymore

I'd try leaning into it just to see what happens, but that's probably not very good advice.

Ah that's how you spell ultimatum I was well of, I knew mine didn't look right 🙈🤣🤣

Wife to a husband with Health OCD here. It can be exhausting OP - for my DH some days are worse than others.

Before we realised he had Health OCD, life was unbearable, much like you're describing. For us, that manifested itself in him calling the doctor weekly because he was convinced he had cancer.

I'm lucky that he has sought help, and the lovely husband I fell in love with has returned. We still have bad periods, but no longer live under the constant cloud you're describing.

You're doing the right thing by encouraging him to see a therapist. I'd also suggest not engaging with any further chat on his anxiety - if he too has Health OCD, then offering reassurance can actually make the symptoms worse.

I really hope things improve. So important you have a care plan for you too - it can be exhausting being the partner of someone with mental health problems.

Honestly fuck that - your poor child. I'd leave or give a final ultimatum at minimum.

OP’s husband refuses to see a therapist? Can’t you empathize with the carer role at all, or is that of now interest to you? Are you aware of how/who was supporting your husband whilst you got better. Do you honestly think that because it was hard for you, then it was easy oeasy for him? Have you ever asked him?

Tell me you’ve never had to support someone with MH issues without saying the words.

Why don’t you walk a mile in her shoes, and spend years of your own life in homage to someone else’s illness that they refuse to think about treating.

What about his vow to love honour or cherish her. Don’t they count too? If is it just some people that get a pass to trash it all, so that others can pick up the pieces?

The solution is him getting help for his mental health condition. Is she to tie him up and drag him there, pray tell?

The replies on this make me so very sad.
I myself have suffered with the most horrific health anxiety.
My therapist told me that mental health issues are as valid as physical health issues. If your husband for instance had cancer and not nice symptoms of that, I don’t think you’d be posting here.
Health anxiety is the worst thing I’ve ever experienced and almost killed me, which is ironic.
I would be even more devastated if my husband hasn’t supported me through it whole heartedly.
I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy… x

Saves the kid being given nightmares about Daddy dying. It only takes him to tell them or wail and howl a bit louder to give the poor kid the absolute terrors for the next 40 years.

OP, do you remember your wedding day and your wedding vows? In sickness and health...does that ring a bell?

Mental health issues and anxiety aren't an easy thing to live with. Maybe to have some sympathy and look for solutions rather than giving up on tge man you chose to marry to and have a kid with.

my reassurance doesn’t help. Getting checked at the dr doesn’t help. He has had colonoscopies and nothing changed.

Because these things only feed the anxiety. Therapy and anxiety medication are the answers, in conjunction. If he won’t help himself then it’s time to leave. You can’t set yourself on fire trying to keep someone else warm.

I can see it from both sides I suffer with severe health anxiety and it's honestly hell so I feel for him but I have had therapy for it. But I do see where your coming from and you would be well within your rights to walkaway guilt free. To live with someone suffering from a mental illness is draining and it's important for you to protect your mental health and your child's. In your situation I would be giving him an ultamatem he either gets mental health help and you will support him throughout. Or he doesn't and that's the end as you can't live like this.

I feel your pain. My husband has frequent, long lasting bouts of Health Anxiety. I can't get through to him when he's in these funks, and it makes me hate being with him when he won't get medical help, won't address his mental health, and just sits in the bedroom staring at the wall. I try to be kind, it doesn't help. I get angry, it doesn't help. I am at a loss. We've had a heart attack (we haven't), we've had skin cancer, (nope) all the other cancers (nope), a weird "lump" on his abdomen (nope, there really wasn't) that he would just be touching all the time, looking sad and frightened. I don't like seeing him like that, it makes me sad too, but also it's so frustrating and I feel helpless. I'm bloody glad he doesn't get headaches, because that would be a tumour. And the worst thing is, maybe it would be! But how would we know, if he won't go to the doctor? It's so stressful to live like this. So frustrating.

I first came onto MN because he was so depressed one Xmas a few years ago and I just didn't know what to do, or where to turn to. (No-one replied!!) With him, these anxieties come and go as instantly as they descend, which also does my head in. No explanation for it, no idea why he suddenly doesn't think he's dying. I've no advice for you, I'm afraid, but I really feel for you. We don't have children and god knows I struggle with it just being me here living under that cloud, it must be even harder for you. Honestly, you have my sympathies xxx

It will affect your child, yes.
There's no way here to not affect your child.
You have to be honest here with yourself about which situation will affect your child the worst.
Perhaps research groups that help people cope with family members who have the issues your husband has. They are likely to have the best information on how badly it fucks up the kids and how best to protect them from it or at least minimise the damage it does to them.

I say this as someone with health anxiety... You cannot help him. He needs meds and therapy. Until he does that he is damaging you and your child's mental health.

He is not logical. His neuro pathways have been altered because of the health anxiety and he needs help thinking logically again.

I think you need to sit him down in a calm manner and tell him if he can get help you will support him but without help you cannot varry on the way you are.

You are being MORE than fair. You need to protect your child from this.

He won’t see a dr. He won’t get mental health help. Flat out refuses to do either.

This is the key part. He may not be able to help having a mental illness but he is utterly selfish for not seeking health.

Your child comes first OP.

He is ill. Just not physically. He really needs to get help and I'd be issuing him with an ultimatum that he got help or I left. Do you have the funds to pay for private MH care? Services are so poor is likely to quickly conclude its pointless and give up otherwise.

Oh, for Heaven's Sake, if he thinks he's had liver cancer for that long, he needs to get himself down the doctors because he's a sodding medical marvel with the genetic key to curing cancer once and for all.

You need him out of your daily life, as he's controlling every part of your day, any chance of a break, absolving himself of all responsibilities. And he sounds just like a pisshead with all the histrionics.

Sad as it is, I think the wellbeing of your child has to take priority here, even if that means ending your relationship or at least living separately and doing everything in your power to minimise the impact your husband's mental health problems are having and will have on your child.

It's not your husband's fault he has this fixation but that won't stop it affecting your child and that's how you've got to view it.

This. Your poor child is going to end up with severe mental health problems.

You have to leave for your child’s sake. Imagine your dad wailing he doesn’t want to die. Constantly thinking you are going to loose a parent- it’s one of a child’s worst fears and it is being highlighted over and over. If he won’t get help then you can’t help him. But you can help your child.

Health anxiety is awful - he needs to take anti anxiety meds which will greatly help and then therapy.

Of course it is affecting your child, no doubt about it.

If you feel you have offered every support and ultimatum, then please don't feel guilty about splitting up. You have done all you can .