Can’t live with my husband’s health anxiety anymore

Do you even understand what it is to live your life with health anxiety?

It is not just him living his life with health anxiety is it? He is forcing the OP and their child to live with it too and that is not right, fair or reasonable.

I have supported him for 20 odd years and nothing has worked. It’s just got worse. Should I continue throwing myself under the bus for him?

No, @MoSalahsBeard you should not continue throwing yourself under the bus for him nor should you allow him to throw your child under that bus either. 20 odd years is more than long enough, either he admits he needs help and gets the help he needs or you have no choice but to leave to protect yourself and your child. That may well sound harsh but the cold hard fact is that he cannot be allowed to destroy your life and that of your child which is what is happening and will continue to happen.

I’ve suffered with severe mental health issues that made me a nightmare in relationships. Now I’m healthy after engaging with therapy and medication, I can absolutely see why I was repeatedly dumped by people who couldn’t handle my volatility and I don’t blame them. I’d leave a partner if they were severely detrimental to my wellbeing, including not being able to cope with physical or mental health issues.

You can stay married while living apart.

My son developed a phobia because my late dh had one (a tiny part of his severe MH problems). Zero sign of that phobia now. I'm afraid I would give him an ultimatum. Id suggest he takes his GP a letter which you will write ('Please see my H for his health anxiety and consider him for medication and therapy as it is having a major impact on our son and threatening our marriage. Please confirm to me that you have read this letter'). I'd hen go and stay with a friend or family member and focus on your son. Play therapy? He will have internalised some of this.

Even if he won't countenance therapy show him my AMA on remedial hypnosis. It might (only might) show him that there are alternatives to 'traditional' counselling.

What would happen if you booked him a GP appointment next week? Would he go?

Des he work OP?

You know nothing about my life. Your response is absolutely pointless.

Have you ever experienced anxiety or any other mental health problem? Do you even know what you are talking about or if her husband cherishes? Do you even understand what it is to live your life with health anxiety?

I don't think so.

I was thinking more of saying it to let him know how serious this is for you rather than actually packing your bags. Because in truth, if something doesn't change here, what choice will you have? Leave, or stay and live a half life sacrificed to a health condition he refuses to get help with. As for your DD, health anxiety can be contagious. When she gets old enough to understand that an adult she trusts is saying he's dying, then it's likely to make her pretty anxious too.

Another person with, at times crippling, health anxiety checking. It's all internal for me, saying my fears aloud make them worse, so I don't.

However! You need to give him a ultimatum - he HAS to get help, even if it's just a low dose of sertraline (which has changed my life). He will be manifesting all the pain & discomfort (shittest superpower ever!) & it will just be feeding it all.

do not make jokes or flippant comments about everyone dying, it's the worst possible thing you could do. There isn't anything you can say to help but some of the advice on this thread will make it worse. There is nothing fun about this level of health anxiety, nothing at all. It's terrifying.

But

He's being selfish by refusing to get help, it's that's simple. It's not fair on you OR him.

Ultimatum is your only option.

Nobody can say whether leaving will have a terrible affect on your child. I imagine most will say that on balance, no it won't.

All anyone can say is that staying and living with a self-obsessed hypochondriac will definitely have a terrible affect on him/her. And the likelihood is that your child will develop "illnesses" too as they see it is the best way to get attention.

Save yourself and your child from this.

He won’t be helped so end the relationship before it harms your child.

I am sorry if this is the wrong thing to suggest but he sounds like he needs inpatient mental health treatment.

No. Of course not. Apart from anything else (like for example the wellbeing of your child) your support isn't helping him in the slightest.

He doesn't have the right to destroy the family with his mental health issues. And he certainly doesn't have the right to expect you to "help" (not that you can) without helping himself.

@Catza That’s disheartening. 🙁 I was lucky that my GP recognized that I needed proper help and referred me.

@MoSalahsBeard

I suffer from health anxiety. I try hard not to share all my worries with my husband as I know I have it and it's just not fair on him.

What I can say that's helped is a yearly health check up with my doctor.

And there are companies who do a full blood screen including cancer markers and it's not much (about £100+) for the peace of mind. Maybe this is something that might put his mind at rest. He can factor that in maybe twice a year. That does help.

I really get it. For me it's constant and has got so much worse with menopause.

He sounds a like a supremely selfish individual.

The irony of the situation being that I’m sure parents who do have cancer do everything they can to sheild their young children from their own emotional fallout, they don’t bash chairs around and take to their beds wailing at the top of their voice about how they don’t want to die, deliberately creating a gloomy and anxious atmosphere in the house, whilst refusing any treatment.

OP, I was your DC - bloody nearly died when Daddy Dearest was whining about his oh-so fatal indigestion as my appendix started to burst.

The A&E surgeon had a go at DM about why they hadn’t brought me in earlier and she said ‘there’s only room
for one hypochondriac in the family’.

No one was impressed.

It’s absolutely fine to have a disabling illness that you choose not to control, but you have no rights to damage or risk hurting anyone else.

Especially the people who are unlucky enough to be close to you.

his doctor will soon work out that he’s suffering from severe anxiety, rather than cancer).

Let's hope the Dr knows what to do about it, though. Last week I assessed someone in a specialist clinic who was referred to us for "reassurance" and I had to write a long letter to the surgery explaining that reassurance is not helpful for health anxiety and they need to refer to therapy

@RandomMess Yes, that’s what it boils down to. We have to take responsibility for our mental health, especially when we become parents.

In your situation, I think that you had no choice except to give him an ultimatum.

As others have said, this isn’t an healthy environment for your child and as a father, he should be trying to manage his anxiety so that it doesn’t affect his child. I grew up with a mentally ill Dad and it’s not OK when they refuse to seek treatment. Tbh, a part of me wishes that my Mum had given him an ultimatum before things got really bad, but they were a different generation who didn’t talk so openly about mental health.

I’m diagnosed with GAD and when it got bad a few years ago, I did seek help, because I didn’t want it to affect my family- Like your husband, I needed counseling and medication to manage my illness. My life has been far better since and I know that I can parent better.

That’s what he needs to recognize, that he’s ill and he needs medical treatment (his doctor will soon work out that he’s suffering from severe anxiety, rather than cancer). If he broke his leg, for example, he wouldn’t avoid medical treatment, would he?

If he won’t step up for his child, you’ll have no choice but to protect them. Good luck. 💐

But you had a therapist so you was doing something about it. Op husband isn't there's a big difference

I think it's wet documented that IBS doesn't increase risk of stomach or bowel cancer. It's a shame he won't go to the doctor. My male colleague went with IBS (which can be stress related) and was prescribed a low dose of the anti-depressant Amitriptyline, which is often used for IBS type symptoms. This relived his pain (it stops brain-to-gut pain signals) and improved his mental state at the same time.

His mental illness is not his fault but it is his responsibility to deal with, not drag you and DC through it behind him.

I would absolutely be at ultimatum stage, and be needing a commitment to sustained professional help on an ongoing basis to see some improvement to the point where you can remain in the marriage, otherwise it would be over and out for me.

You would honestly suprise yourself at how easy solo parenting would be compared to what you're dealing with now. You might feel like you're fucked either way, but think about what you're showing your DC and how you're preparing them for their own life. Showing them that you lay your life down for someone to trample all over isn't a brilliant message, and it's certainly ok to show them you can take action when necessary to back yourself, and that you matter in your own right, not as someone's support human.

He needs to see a GP about his anxiety. Why won't he?

I would also give the ultimatum that he gets help or end the marriage to protect your DC.

I am someone who has been very mentally unwell in the past but pushed always for treatment and take responsibility for improving/getting better.