Can’t live with my husband’s health anxiety anymore

Usually it is someone dying that will trigger a health anxiety. For me it was my worst time but I was already circling it, I would have dreams about my parents dying, so someone close to me passing away really impacted me badly. Both my grandparents died very quickly when I was still a child. But it can be reading about someone in the news. IBS symptoms have been one of my anxieties for many years, but I have had enough CBT to recognise I am still alive.

I do think OP should leave for her child’s sake

What is there left to salvage? It sounds like you already know in your mind what you want to do. You don't want to be with him and you don't want your child around this either, but 20 years is a long time and it's always much easier to say leave when you're not the one in the thick of it.

If he won't seek help then nothing will change. I guess it's how long you can continue living with this and it sounds like he's ground you down to the last straw now.

I'd be getting my ducks in a row and making a bit of a plan for if you DID leave. Then it will help you weigh up the considerations and also be easier to do it if and when you come to that decision.

Good luck op you sound like you've done everything you can and this isn't on you Xx

Hey- can I ask what you have found to help please? I suffer horrendously with health anxiety I think it stems from the horrific ibs pain I get. I’m now constantly on edge and any pain in my body I think is catastrophic.

I have tried meditation, breathing, trying to really rationalise in my head, councilling (they suggested the meditation and box breathing) propanalol, mirtazapine and nothing is helping. X

I also suffer from health anxiety and diagnosis myself with cancer constantly. I wouldn't say I'm convinced I'm dying but I catastrophise, constantly rechecking my symptoms e.g keep checking the lump, bump, mouth ulcer etc on repeat. Sometimes I google, panic, check again etc It's exhausting . Sometimes something will spiral, recently it was my eyesight, a few months ago it was a skin growth. I'll get checked and relax for a bit but then something else crops up. Some things I ignore but it's lingering in the back of my mind and then every so often I panic about that thing. So what I'm saying is I emphasize with your husband but I don't constantly complain about it to my partner. 90% of my worries go unspoken, I secretly worry but pretend to the rest of the world that I'm fine. I never worry or panic infront of my kids. That's probably not healthy either. I did try CBT and it helped a little. I don't really see the point in verbalising my worries to my husband because he'll just tell me to go to the Dr and sometimes that stresses me out even more plus what's the point in constantly complaining. It doesn't change anything. It just makes everyone else miserable too. Your husband should try CBT. It might help.

I'm so sorry @MoSalahsBeard , you must feel absolutely broken. None of it is about you, it's all him. He hasn't given you anything cos he's using it all, it's being eaten up by his illness - he's none spare to give you.

Stick to your guns - he must get help or you'll separate or whatever you need to do. Truly I doubt any of what's coming out of his mouth is actually about you at all - but you can't live like that. Help is out there for him, but he's refusing to take it & you're suffering the consequences. It's not the being ill, it's the refusal to fix it that makes this unmanageable.

Sending big digital hugs to you xx

I had a friend who's husband was dying of cancer and she'd talk to me about it often. I think this might have set me off as well. x

I'm in a similar situation but not as severe. My dh's dad also died prematurely and that's what set off his health anxiety. So now the slightest talk of cancer and I send him off for tests.. in his case, unlike your dh's, it does help but doesn't solve the next crises.

He can't be happy living like this, but getting help in the form of perhaps CBT has to be his wish or it won't help. It's really hard to live with, I'm sorry.

💐 OP.

Im so sorry it’s come to this after everything you’ve done to rescue it. But it needed both of you to want that.

If it’s any help, in 6 months you’ll be wondering why you stayed so long - you’ll be miles, miles happier.

Interestingly, this is right, but there’s also growing evidence of the vice versa too. That the gut can cause mental health issues. The metabolic system is all connected. It’s quite interesting.

I'd personally not live with someone with a mental health issue which they were unwilling to address, but expect everyone else to deal with the consequences.

I’m sorry for your illness but the very fact you have sought help makes this very different.

It is entirely unreasonable to behave the way OP’s husband is and refusing to get help.

And yes, mental illness is just as real and debilitating as physical illness but I’d judge someone with significantly terrible symptoms refusing to see a doctor.

This is a man with a family who care about him and he’s refusing to do the bare minimum. It’s not acceptable.

I could have written this about a family member except that he spends half of his life at the doctors and has had every test under the sun but won't entertain the idea that his health problems might be more mental than physical. He's older than you and his anxiety started when his dad died 40 years ago. Since then he's got progressively worse and has become a spiteful old man who is vile to his wife and I don't honestly know how she puts up with him. He makes her life miserable and I truly wish she would leave him but I appreciate it's difficult when you've been together for half a century and live in a small community as they do. I hate to say it but I fear this is your future if you stay and he won't seek help.

I’m so sorry. It is absolutely heartbreaking.
however , you know you have tried and tried and tried to help and support him.
If he refuses help, you can’t force him.

you and your son will be better away from him (and honestly him refusing to lower his voice is really poor as well! Your poor son).

You have all my sympathies.

Very insightful post.

"The only way to win the rigged game that anxious thoughts want to engage you in is to not play".

Sadly, not much you can do if he won't get help. I was the opposite and down the doctors every few weeks (I don't do that any more though!).

I have OCD and it very much started in health anxiety as a small child. I would say you need to protect your child from this becoming their normal. I’ve had so many different manifestations of OCD but health anxiety is the one I struggled to get on top of the most. I’ve had CBT and it was very helpful but along the way I’ve lost friendships and relationships to my OCD being out of control and it is a real consequence of not seeking help. The NHS is terrible for mental health and the person has to want to get help. I am perhaps different from your husband as I do not want to live with my OCD and let it become my life, I fight it very hard back against it. Some people do not have that fight at times, it can be too overwhelming, or seem so normal they do not recognise that it isn’t normal and you are having intrusive thoughts but thanks to CBT I have insight to recognise what is OCD and that it’s an abnormal intrusive thought that I do not want and I don’t welcome it. I’ve had times of it overwhelming me and becoming my identity but I don’t think you alone can get someone to this point. You do need to protect yourself and your child so I think leaving is probably your best option. Otherwise OCD is taking you all down..

What also helped me was breathing exercises and there are loads of apps to help with this and bring some calm. Music is the best medicine.

The NHS has always been relatively poor on mental health, and sadly it's a whole lot worse now @MoSalahsBeard. His GP will refer him to services, he'll wait 18 months to see an OT or a nurse therapist and they'll give him text book/catch all exercises (they may inadvertantly worsen his anxiety). Tailored CBT with a clued up psychologist would help him recover, however getting same (of a decent standard) via the NHS is unlikely.

There is a gold mine of self help online (one of the few benefits of the internet). Your husband can be his own therapist, however he needs to have insight (that this is anxiety) and motivation. It's worth you (as the partner of someone with an anxiety disorder) having a nose round youtube for advice on how to motivate him. That's all you can do I'm afraid. I agree with PP's saying that leaving (for your own sanity, and that of your child) may ultimately become your only option.

OP, I can totally relate because I had it from out of nowhere about 2 years ago.
It was horrendous and I thought I was dying too. I'm 44 and had to get my mum to come and stay with me lots of nights and my anxiety was making me so ill.
I lost about 3 stone very suddenly and had all kinds of tests including 2 cancer pathways (nothing found).
It took me a year or so to get better but I am much better than I was. I am just scared it will return at some point.
I was put back on ADS along with Amytriptoline which really helped.

It will hopefully pass for him but it does take some time. As I say mine came and went like a hurricane had knocked me down.

I had all kinds of symptoms related to my anxiety and I honestly felt like I was dying. I even made my will in that time and thought about songs I'd have played at my funeral!

It's no joke but he needs to get help quickly.

My dad had untreated anxiety and paranoia, and I wish most days that I could have grown up without him. He made me scared of completely harmless things by manipulating me emotionally. He believed that mental healthcare was for the weak, so instead of a healthy childhood, I spent two decades suffering from HIS disease.

My mom made the choice to stay because she was afraid of what people would think rather than how I felt. Why not take your child and go to an anxiety-free house for 6-8 weeks? DH can start meds and therapy and hopefully show you he wants to manage this, then your child can just have a few months without a dad. But, if as I suspect, he will refuse treatment and get worse, the only person he can harn is himself. And you may find life easier and happier for you and your DS.

If her husband had horrible side effects from cancer but refused to see a doctor / her help for them then yes, I would be telling her to leave him

It's the not seeking help that kills the marriage isn't it OP. I've been there. I was happy to support the MH problems but the expectation that we were doing it alone and without help is what broke me. I was shouldering this massive burden of secrecy to hide his behaviours and it felt like it would never end..
OP you have my absolute sympathy and respect for what you have already done.

@Rain11 I’m sorry that you also suffer with your mental health, but what @MoveToParis is saying is that none of us can expect our partners to cure us, can we?

Yes, they can be supportive, but my DH isn’t medically trained so he couldn’t help me with my GAD. I need professional medical help to get my anxiety under control and my husband couldn’t provide that, -anymore than I could help him when he broke his wrist. Neither of us are medically trained!

The OP’s husband needs to accept professional help for his illness, instead of expecting his wife and child to somehow cope.