Can’t live with my husband’s health anxiety anymore

There's your answer then- leave him to it! Start making arrangements to leave. Dont feel guilty - maybe he's doing it purposely to push you away so that he doesn't have to be the one to leave. You'll soon know once you do leave if his mental health suddenly dramatically improves. I've seen this many times before in couples where one uses an illness or other means to force the other one to leave and be the 'bad guy'. Life is too short and your son will be so much happier - leave him.

This is heartbreaking to read. But there does not seem to be much sympathy for the person in a severe MH crisis.

i lost two years of my life to HA. The best thing I did was CBT, the forum ‘no more panic’ and stop googling. I’m only allowed to google a symptom if I write ‘no more panic’ first.

My trigger was similar and the fact that severe anxiety causes physical symptoms. Symptoms that would be present in serious illnesses, then the realisation that most doctors were guessing.

I was very hard work for a while with constant reassurance checking but I’m so glad my family did not abandon me.

Can you issue an ultimatum? Seek help or I have to leave for my own good? A couple of private health checks brought me back to reality too. £350 for 10 minutes of a doctor looking at my (apparently very healthy) throat.

Decided at some point to try and be as healthy as I can, wait two weeks before worrying about anything and I’m mostly fine now. I still worry but it’s not life ruining.

Yes it is hard

I do rationalise and reassure with myself though. It is the only thing I’ve found that works for me to stop panic attacks. It does not work if you ask other people to do it for you.

For me personally what works is saying oh yes this is an intrusive thought. If I am unsure I will ask does this seem real? Once I know it is an intrusive thought I will often challenge it. I will use an example. I don’t have really strong thoughts often that tell me something is 100% wrong it is usually a feeling of unease. I can describe it like a little devil sitting on my shoulder whispering in my ear. So you could visualise the devil/angel on each shoulder.

My most common thought is what if this pain or symptom is something worse and undetected cancer. So I will ask myself why I think that, what else could it be (this one is a key question because there are other answers) and I will then have multiple options and I can say to myself, it seems more likely to be IBS, I’ve had tests and all the symptoms match that. In a balance of probabilities this is most likely isn’t it. Yesterday I had a pain and I asked myself if it could be trapped gas rather than something more serious and rational me decided to let 20 mins pass before thinking about it again and by that time it had gone.

Then I will also do something physical to try to get me out of the rumination rut - stand up, play music, use my hands in some way, change a topic of conversation, visualise myself on a beach, sing a song in my head.

Not necessarily. Leaving him might be the kick up the bottom for him to get some treatment. If he’s too mentally unwell (and it sounds like he might be) either he’s unlikely to push for contact or the OP would be justified in only allowing contact on a supervised basis, so either her, grandparents or at a contact centre.

And even if he did get unsupervised contact for short periods, far better that than living with him all the time as he gets 6.5 days a week of normality. Having a young child forced to listen on a daily basis to a parent telling them he is going to die is unbelievably damaging.

Very much doubt op's husband will be well enough to try and see his child. He is completely consumed by his illness.

Op, he is very sadly too far gone to help. He refuses to help himself and is a serious threat to your sons wellbeing as well as yours. You've done all you can for your husband but your son needs your help and protection now.

But if they split, the child will still be in that environment on a regular basis except without OP there to mitigate

Do it. Leave as soon as you possibly can.

Go see a solicitor after you have left.

Do not leave your son alone with him though. He is volatile (anger, raising his voice) and has already shown a violent side (with the chair).

He clearly has no concern for the child, and is completely wrapped up in whatever is going on in his own head.

I would be very concerned here about a murder-suicide, sorry to say. Please get the support of your family and do not tell him where you move to.

Your child will finally experience peace.

I appreciate this is a horrible choice to make. I made a choice to divorce too. It was the least worst choice.

Nothing in life is perfect. Sometimes your options are far from optimal. But sometimes there is a clear advantage to one, and where children are concerned, freedom from living with a parent who won't address a serious mental illness is a clear winner.

You can't help him, but you can help your child experience normality.

Yes, this will affect your child.

Go to see a solicitor.
Find out your financial position.

Investigate the possibility of making a new home for yourself and your child.

Do all this without telling him.

Pack and leave.

Be careful. A man who bashes a chair around when challenged isn't going to take it well when you leave.

Do you have a supportive family or friends?

My ex was like this. Drove me mad. One day I reached a point where I wrote down on a virtual calendar every single symptom he had. Gathered 3 months of evidence and sent it to him. He could see for himself just how often he had a headache, backache, earache, sickness, itchy, arse ache, whatever, I told him to take to the Dr, but he didn’t, he realised he was being stupid. But by then I had the major ick and left. Life so much better without the drama.

@MoSalahsBeard

He's crossed the line when he made your child part of the 'discussion'.

He told you that perhaps you should leave? That is your clue to say "Perhaps I should". And then do it if just saying it doesn't shake him up enough to get the help he needs.

Maybe if you leave then he'll get help. Maybe he won't. But either way it won't be your problem anymore. And you'll be able to shield your child from his behaviour.

I know it's very easy for me to say this. But you need to realize that whatever 'damage' you think you'll do your child by leaving, your H is doing double by you staying.

Tried to edit my last again but it wouldn't give me the option!

Read your posts through again and honestly, it's time to look to the future, a future that's about your son's wellbeing and your own.

Your DH is so mentally ill that he is not fit for your child to be around. So many women here live with the lifelong after-effects of being kept around a damaged person, who would not see how they were damaging their child.

I was so sorry to read that you had been the victim of child abuse. Did you ever seek therapy for yourself? Perhaps time for that, too?

Him deliberately involving your son in your (effectively) initiating-divorce conversation is utterly selfish and proof he is a terrible, terrible father. Run away fast. I'm furious on your son's behalf.

Your poor child. It's unfair to inflict that kind of atmosphere of fear on them. They are your responsibility, not him. Can you get away for a while, visit relatives? Stay longer? See if you and your child feel better not having this constantly draining on?

He is clearly unwell mentally. Tell him to see a psychiatrist and get any health checks going to see if there is something else going on - depression, for example.

Thank you. You’ve given me hope. X

You'll find an approach that works for you, and you'll bit by bit start to see improvement. Stick with it, and good luck.

So he's deliberately dragged your child into this to hear him try to blame you and coerce/guilt you into giving in to his demands? So that 'Don't leave Daddy, Mummy' is an extra thing to terrorise you into making his wants the single focus and priority in your life?

Wanker. Selfish bloody wanker, using your child and their distress as a weapon to get his own way yet again.

Can you imagine how peaceful it could be next weekend if you leave him? How your child could sleep without this man deliberately, knowingly waking them up with his shouting because he wanted to use them as a tool in his manipulations against you?

Thank you very much for this advice. I’ll have a look into it and the techniques. I really appreciate it :)

Dragging your child into it is reprehensible.

I think it is now time to end the marriage so you and your son can recover.
He does not wish to recover at this point, so you must leave him/ put on your own oxygen mask.

Finding a technique that prevents you from moving to ruminating is the key.

Label your intrusive thoughts and then abandon them, shift your focus back to whatever you were doing. Some people sing (internally lol) the thought, some people agree with the thought. Whatever takes away the sting and prevents you from moving to rumination (this is why reassurance and rationalising isn't advised; both are, essentially, ruminating. Both give strength to what are actually just random and meaningless thoughts).

It sounds very simple, and in reality the theory IS very simple, it's putting it into practice that can be difficult. It takes persistence.

Oh you poor thing. I have a friend who is like this, luckily I don’t have to deal with her too much, but I can’t imagine having to live with it. He should find an outlet for it that isn’t you. You are not a dumping ground and you do not deserve to be burdened with his obsessions.

Brill thank you- do I need to find a councillor who specialises in cbt for health anxiety do you know? Or is it something they all do x

He does love you but sadly anxiety like this is so all consuming he can't feel anything like love because the anxiety trumps every other emotion in his being - he is utterly terrified

I'm so very sorry for him - it's hell. I've suffered myself and it's not a place anyone would want to be. However I also feel desperately sorry for you too.

I will give you some advice to point him FIRMLY in the direction of getting help - for his health anxiety. If he doesn't then you need to be really firm and say you love him but he can't hear you and only his anxious/unwell mind can. You are NOT going to be dictated to by that unwell mind and if he chooses to not to get help then you have to walk away because otherwise this very sick and unwell mind is getting the better of both of you. I would threaten to walk away and do so if needed. I know you love him and I hope this will have the effect of him waking up and getting help.

I would say it with utter kindness but force because he really does need that. He cannot see that this is health anxiety because he is convinced it is cancer. He is very unwell but you have to tell him how mentally well you ARE and so you are NOT listening to this talk because it is NOT TRUE.

When I've been mentallyunwell my DH has done the same with me and I love him for it. He does get really really firm with me and tells me in no uncertain terms that he is not going to buy into my mental thinking like I am! He's really firm with me and it honestly is a good thing. It helps me to see that I am being hijacked by my mind!

He desperately needs to get help and you cannot force him but you can try this and if he won't then know you are saving yourself from this. By being kind and gentle with him it's not helping him. If he starts to recognise this for what it is (mental illness) then maybe you might be able to shift your approach but right now I would be so firm.

CBT. I also have the same issue. CBT has helped me very well. I am still alive. I also did change my diet and this helped my symptoms a lot. So I was able to see that my diet was the cause of the issue.

If he doesn't want therapy, can you have it? I obviously don't know you but you probably need support too