Can’t live with my husband’s health anxiety anymore

You deserve so much more.

My dad has health anxiety, has had it for as long as I can remember. Got T1 diabetes in his 40’s and has had one foot in the grave ever since. At one point he thought there was some hidden mould in their house, his anxiety about this in the end actually got him sectioned, and whilst in the mental health residential hospital he was convinced the air conditioning system had the same issue?! It’s like a delusion that plays on their mind constantly.

Would never see the doctor. Never take responsibility for managing his diabetes properly. Extremely stressed and anxious. Ironically he now has a life limiting illness which to some extent could have been prevented by addressing his diet and lifestyle (stress/sleep).

I’ve definitely ended up with anxiety as a result, in particular health anxiety around my children’s health. Hypnotherapy helped immensely.

I don’t know whether leaving would have protected me per se. If you separate, would he get 50% sole care for example? However, your mental health and happiness matters too. You’re trapped in a living hell with no other way out. It’s very likely both of your own mental health state is rubbing off on your child. Isn’t it better if at least one of you is coping, or even thriving?

So sorry OP. My first relationship was with someone like this, who would not seek help for the psychological issues stemming from a shitty childhood that caused his health anxieties. I am so glad that I didn’t stay with him. It’s so much harder when you have a child with someone, but I feel pretty sure that your own mental health and that of your child will be far worse if you stay.

At the end of the day he has to want to get help to change things and the fact that he won’t do that is not your responsibility. 💐

@YourFunMember 💐💐💐x

@DemelzaandRoss believe me I know. I have OCD and HA. I know how real it can all feel. I am currently in a state where I think I have cancer - bowel or pancreatic, possibly another tumour, I don’t know. I know how it feels. I’ve had all sorts of thoughts and The extreme anxiety stops me sleeping, eating, enjoying life. But I also know I have HA.

Absolutely not.

There are three people involved. You, your husband, and your child. You have done all that can be done for your husband; but unless he helps himself, nothing will change for him. But you can help yourself and your child, and frankly your responsibility to your child far outweighs your responsibility to any other adult (including your husband).

It is time to reconsider your priorities. You move him down a notch, you move your child up two notches and yourself up one notch. And with that picture in your head, you focus on creating an appropriate home environment for your child.

You have since posted that "husband told me we should split as I’d be happier without him and he won’t get help. I’m absolutely heartbroken." To be honest I think you should split too. It may give your husband a big enough jolt to seek help, it may not. But it will allow you to provide your child with an environment not laden with anxiety / gloom / stress.

@YourFunMember I agree with you, but sometimes the illness includes an avoidance issue, where going to the Dr or anything medical is too scary. OCD, depression & anxiety also join up with this horrible affliction.
He will be 100% sure in his own mind he is ill. No amount of reassurance helps because he is mentally ill & totally irrational. The obtrusive thoughts will be with him day & night. Until treatment there is no respite.
Of course this is difficult for other people to deal with & understand. That is why the OP is in such an unenviable position.

OP, you have to protect yourself and your child. Children of anxious parents often grow up to have anxiety problems themselves. He has told you he wont get help. Take him at his word and leave. I have seen a number of people who came into therapy at that point, but it was not until it really happened that they would contemplate it. HA is a terrible thing to have, but there are things about what he is doing which are not typical of all HA sufferers (bringing your child into it, wailing about dying). You did not cause this, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it. You have done your very best and tried really hard. Enough is enough now.

I have health anxiety but as soon as it started affecting my family I got CBT. I’m not fixed AT ALL (HA is notoriously difficult to treat) but surely he knows he has HA and wants to get better? Being anxious is utterly miserable.

S/be DH.

It’s extremely sad that in 2024 Mental Illness is still misunderstood or dismissed completely.
The only way forward here would be if the DH agrees to talk to a health professional, which he does not want to do. Being mentally ill, which is outside of his control, he is probably terrified of going to the Doctor. This is all part of HA previously called Hypochondria.
Luckily we have mainly moved on from patients being told to ‘pull themselves together’ and similar comments. A totally ignorant & almost funny remark to a mentally ill person.
The poor OP is in a dreadful situation. The only small advice I would give, would be to contact her GP & explain the situation to them. My DH has previously spoken to our GP who was incredibly helpful. It is not actually that uncommon.
However it comes down to whether the OP can face the situation any longer. Friends or family may possibly also be helpful in speaking to her DC, who will be in a constant state of torment.

maybe the alternative isn’t that you have to separate but living apart could give you and your child the space you need until he can start taking some action. I have a daughter and husband who both have anxiety. Hers is more chronic, his more episodic. I have found it easier since coming to the realisation that I can’t fix them. My daughter won’t help herself, yet but at least he does, he works hard on himself but it is still completely exhausting carrying the load for the family and for there to be so little payback. I think you should take some time away from each other, it may give him the incentive to get help and give you some time away from the stress to just focus on you and your child.

Absolutely this

Just a wooshing sound wasn't it?

I'm glad you could afford it and you're on the mend. But your post was so short sighted it boggles my head.

'Determined to press my point'? Why so hostile? I'm just saying what worked for us. Chill out!

if your children are anything like me they will bail out as soon as they can; I lived in a similar situation all of my childhood and left as soon as I could. Personally, I’d leave him before his health obsessions break the family apart anyway.

You might be helping him in the long run by saying you won't put up with this anymore. He needs help and he might need to get to rock bottom.
I'm a CBT therapist and if it was my husband I would back so far off you couldn't see me. Detach detach detach.

Let him live under his black cloud while you and your DC walk in the sunshine.

My own DH is a raging hypochondriac and after seeing my Dad die so brutally from cancer last year, my tolerance hit zero and has stayed there. He gets short shrift if he starts, and reminded that I'm not a GP so can't remotely help. I've got a lifelong chronic condition that I get absolutely no help or support for - yet I'm expected to pander to his imagined conditions....

Unless you've lived with it, you have no idea what supporting someone with this entails. And I suspect the partners of the HA sufferers on this thread would tell a very different story to those who've written them.

Are you a man like? My husband's head and shoulders above me and weighs twice my weight. If he doesn't want to go somewhere, he won't.

Not everyone can find thousands of pounds for a month in a private mental hospital. Your husband might have been willing to suddenly 'find the money ' but not everyone can. Maybe you should ask him how he did it and pass the info on to the OP if you're so determined to press your point.

What actually are his symptoms, other than IBS?

Is he a member of a gym? What physical exercise does he do?

If your DH is up for it, find a strenuous yoga class for him & encourage him to go as often as possible - honestly, so much better than anxiety meds for me, it was a revelation.

If you could get a babysitter, maybe try to find a dance class to do together once a week. Or even just walks. Anything where you both concentrate on something entirely different for a while.

All best

I feel for you and this is absolute not an issue with your empathy etc, it’s clear you have tried. My DH ex is like this, one of the reasons they struggled to live together, although she is nowhere near as extreme as your husband. It impacts her children already though - both are very overly worried and dramatic about minor health issues. At least if you and your DH weren’t living together your child would only be exposed to this max 50% of the time.

My father threatened the family with his death throughout my childhood and my mother, also a hypochondriac, reinforced the message. It was mainly about his kidneys packing up because he had to pee every few hours (a condition I seem to have inherited). I left at 18 because I couldn’t stand it any longer. Looking back I think it was akin to child abuse… Anyway, he did die, when he was 90 and five weeks. I have every sympathy for you and your children living with this ‘dying’ man.

I am currently going through a wave of health anxiety which honestly has made me feel worse and therefore more anxious (vicious cycle). Its horrible so I sympathise.
However, he needs to seek help from his gp and get into counselling. He cannot continue this way, for his sake and his family's.

Well, we certainly couldn't afford it and I'm as stubborn as they come. He still managed it, so...

Well tbf not everyone can find 300 quid a night for a month and you certainly can't make a grown man do anything he doesn't want to do... So..

The Op wants her husband to get help, he won't.

What is the difference in impact on the people living with them between an alcoholic who won't accept they are an alcoholic and seek help and a person who has HA won't accept they have it and seek help? None that I can see. Both are extremely selfish and care nothing for the damage they are doing to others.

The OP and her child do not deserve to have their lives and mental health destroyed.